Wednesday, August 07, 2002

Oh. also. Another happy thought (I have to hold on to them to keep from turning into a crazed maniac). My new hair stuff. Called G2B... Kinky. I love it. It makes me smile. And an added bonus is it brings memories back of Emily Pate not understanding why I didn't want her to call my hair kinky.
First of all, I apologize to Peggy for using to instead of too. I hate that, and I'm sure she does too, but it's really pointless changing it now that I see it four days later.
Okay, short entry that due to fatigue will have to be explained later. My dad fucking annoys the shit out of me and makes me so mad that I come close to crying, which is what happens when I get REALLY angry. There. I feel slightly better. Slightly.

Sunday, August 04, 2002

Is it a bad thing that I am sick to death of hearing about my brother and think my parents talk to much about him? It makes me want to scream or better yet, leave. I mean, he's a freaking adult. I always thought that meant you were in charge of things like supplying stuff for your appartment, but my parents think it means to buy everything not stupid on his little list. and why do we, or more importantly I (hey, let's be honest. I don't care if THEY agree to do something for him... as long as I'm not involved.) have to help with everything. Like moving in. ANd why won't my parents let me drive his stuff down by myself. My dad, who is also going, is a total drag who currently is annoying the hell out of me and makes me frustrated, mad, and slightly violent.
Okay, happy thoughts, happy thoughts. Oh, I've fallen in love. I'm head over heels wiht a pair of shoes. THey are gorgeous. So damn sexy. THough not as sexy as my new, slightly uncomfortable but not murderous black shoes. And yay for postcards from Emily! And... I'm running out of happy things to think about. Must get away from house, away from parents before words are said that would be as hurtful as possible because I'm feeling bitchy.

Tuesday, July 30, 2002

Have you ever had a dream and when you woke up, you felt differently because of it? That happened to me last night. And they, the dreams, continue ot be like movies.
I think it's a little funny that Peggy was talking about how she didn't really choose a lot of her friends, just kind of fell into the group when sometimes last year, I didn't even feel a part of the group. PArt of that could be because I didn't meet several people till March. Which was shortly after I decided I hated all my friends and needed new ones. Luckily that sentiment changed. Anyway. Don't really know how that was connected. But I wanted to say it.
I had an epiphany on Friday. It's too complicated to explain here, but since then I have been overwhelmed with joy and peace and beauty. The smallest things will floor me, things like the sun shining through my body glitter or the trees blowing in the wind. It's lovely.
I also have been reading Atlas Shrugged, a very good but very long book. It's intriguing and brings up many societal questions about compassion and charity and what is too far. And humanity in general. There is a trainwreck which could have been avoided in which 200 people die. And part of me as the reader is furious at this waste of life. But then Rand describes the people in the train and you can't help but think they deserved to die. It really is a masterful work. If only it wasn't so damn long! I want to be done with it. I still have 500 pages left and I've already read 550. AHH!!!!! The neverending book!

Thursday, July 25, 2002

Well, Amy has a semi-boyfriend. Only semi because he lives in Atlanta and Amy met him like a week ago and doesn't really know him that well. He's kind of scary, though she says he's nice and cute and Christian. But he met her at an FCA camp, knew her for a week, and then after that starts calling her like everyday and emailing her all teh time. Okay, side note. Seth Greene is a cutie. Anyway, back to Memes. When she told me about this random boy, I wasn't really surprised. Because I can kind of understand Dana not having a boyfriend and I can't even imagine a guy liking me but Amy is pretty darn hot. I mean, come on. THe girl works out like mad. I am a little jealous, I have to admit. But not a whole lot. Because it's Amy.
And if you think any part of the former statement is sad, I do too. The fact is that when a hot fifteen year old flirts with me, I wonder what the hell he wants and why in the world he would flirt with me over some of the other girls around. Even when a nerdy fourteen year old follows me around at camp, I'm just amazed at what he would see in me... Okay, I swear, I'm not some maudlin person who sits around analysing herself. I just think a lot.
Oh. And Peggy, who I think is the only person who reads this, I'd like you to know that I have almost finished the first draft of an autobiographical short story which I will put on my webpage when I'm done.

Monday, July 22, 2002

Yay!! My computer is fixed!!! IBM roxors. I called them on Thursday morning. Friday there was a nice previously owned, but working, hard drive in my yard. I had forgotten how much faster I type on this keyboard. Am now tempted to write just so I get to type. But I'm tired from babysitting. Where I was VASTLY underpaid. But oddly, I'm not upset about it. Maybe I'm just too tired to care so much. Maybe I'm just too used to being taken advantage of.
It's kind of weird reading Peggy's online diary. We are a lot alike and then totally different. I can sympathize wiht so many of her problems because I have the same ones, like having a dad who doesn't really understand or know me and the whole pain of growing apart from high school friends. Growing up sucks. ANd not knowing what to do with my life. But then, even though my dad and I have issues, both my parents support what I want to do. Maybe because they know that I would fight them to do what I want. And I regret not rebelling as a teen-ager. But then, even now I don't know what I'd rebel about, besides the whole car thing. They're just too damn understanding. I think that maybe all this time I'd been seeing Peggy as stronger than me. But maybe we're just strong in different ways. I envy her her strength, but maybe there are hidden depths in me. (oohh... deep thought... scary.)

Tuesday, July 16, 2002

Well, had another nice, enjoyable break-down last night, caused by being hormonal and by watching too many romances. Sigh. Luckily I was able to prevent another episode today with memories of this weekend. I lost my virginity, my CRUISING virginity, that is. (ha, did I scare you? ;-) ) It was SO much fun! We got hit on by some sleazy guys who wanted us to "earn" some Mardi Gras beads, which we didn't though I was going to show them my bra (I had taken it off. Damn strapless bras are sent from hell to torture women). One cute guy blew us a kiss from another car.
Tonight I watched A Beautiful Mind. It was good, but I could not figure out what movie the actor who played Charlie (his imaginary friend) was in. I could remember thinking how cute he was, tall and skinny with a nice little accent that makes me wanna... okay, enough of that. ;-) So, anyway, looked at the cast thingy on the dvd and saw that he was Chaucer in A Knight's Tale. That made me very happy.
Oh speaking of random things that make me happy, while I was in NY, my mom gave me $50 to spend. I bought this candle snuffer from a museum shop. I LOVE it. It's not even that cute or anything, but knowing that I own it makes me happy. Really happy. It's so odd. But then again, I am so odd. But that's okay.

Friday, July 12, 2002

Since the last REAL entry was rather depressing and dramatic, I HAVE to write a more recent one. NY was fun. I love NY, but there was entirely too much family bonding. I almost died. After spending six days with my parents, mainly my dad, I was picturing throwing stuff at them, mainly my dad... And Philly sucks. It's so boring. No atmosphere. And it finally hit me that my parents, mainly my mom, are old and don't understand youth. Though she at least liked the cute little cafe that scared my dad and Matt. But things like how people could eat dinner at ten o' clock and go to bed late and still get to work in the morning. We went to see Ground Zero, which was odd... It just seemed like a big construction site; it was almost completely cleaned up. The financial district, though, was creepy. It seemed haunted, even though the streets were full of people. I kept seeing scenes from 9-11.
Well, now I get to go escape my parents by going to Knoxville and seeing Dana. YAY!

Wednesday, July 03, 2002

New York and Philadelphia, here I come!!! Watch out! :-)

Monday, July 01, 2002

Talked to Emily today. Happiness!
Well, I had an interesting conversation with Peggy. Not really, but one part was kind of disastrous. Wasn't REALLY her fault, though I could try and make her feel guilty in retaliation for her snide comment in her journal...:-) Have I mentioned what a vindictive bitch of a child I was? Cutest child you will ever see, but man, could I be mean. Anyway, she asked a rather innocent question, if I've ever really had a boyfriend, which, due to my mood and the fact that I'm PMSing (at least I hope I am. Otherwise I have no excuse for either the inexplicable irritation with my parents or the cookies that I HAD to have), sent me in a downward spiral down into the boggy mires of my inner soul. Wasn't that nice and poetic? okay, in real terms, the fact that I had to answer no reminded me of old insecurities. As soon as I got into my room, depressing thoughts began to float around. Thoughts that I have been fighting since freshman year of high school. Thoughts like no wonder I can't get a boyfriend, who would want to date me, etc. Well, I decided that since I was depressed anyway, I would have a nice little cry to clean out my emotion system and started trying to make myself more depressed. And that led to an odd little discovery. While I can make myself very depressed and have a lot of insecurities, there are a few things that I know aren't true and can't even pretend that I believe them in the name of depression. Like I was like, look at me. And I have my physical flaws, which of course I went over. But then I thought, I'm ugly. And I don't believe that. Immediately this little voice of reason in my head said, "Liar!" Not that I'm the most beautiful person either. As David so nicely stated for me, I am 'professionally pretty'. Aka, I'm the type of girl you'd want to work with, not date. Grr... I could KILL him for that statement. Not that I didn't know this. But I didn't need him to state it.
But I'm okay now. Got over it. Fell asleep and woke up feeling better.

Wednesday, June 26, 2002

Yay for Michelle's birthday!!! Now she can officially do everything except rent a car!! [does a little excited dance] :-)
Okay. Weird dream occurence only shortly after I declared they had stopped. This one was about school, the beginning of the year when everyone is moving back in. Only it wasn't really Smith. but it was. I was looking for all my friends because I (obviously) wanted to see them, but I couldn't find them. I couldn't read the tags on the doors. It was odd. Okay, it doesn't sound that odd, but it was. You just had to be there. In my dream. Though some of you were... ;-) (and NO. Not like that.)
Yes the randomness that I have fostered for so long has taken over in a coup d'etat. It was forced to take over my mind in order to keep sanity from fleeing in boredom. (Have you noticed that I'm bored?)
I'm avoiding doing crafts right now. I have officially been asked by Mary, a family friend and last summer's slave driver, if I would come out like once per camp and help with crafts. Which will be kind of fun, if a bit sad. It's weird for me to think about not going to camp. I've been every summer since I finished third grade.It's been a rather large part of my summers. Ah... the memories come flooding back. The last time I really cried in front of people was at camp. Anyway, the only thing is that I have to do all the sample crafts and get like a hundred or two plastic lacing things started. And THEN I'll have to teach people how to do them. Now, for those of you without lacing experience, lacing is fun. It is. But TEACHING lacing is hell. Especially in large groups. It makes me tired to think of it...

Monday, June 24, 2002

Well, weird dreams have somewhat died down. Which is good and bad. They were interesting, if very odd and very random.
I had forgotten how not fun it is to be burned. Amy and I laid out on Saturday. It was nice and relaxing and I was looking forward to having non-glaring white legs. Well, now they aren't glaring white. They are a pleasant pink color. Along with my back, my knees, my shoulders. Essentially, moving hurt. I could hardly stand to wear clothes, in particular a bra, Saturday night. Luckily, my friends are for the most part not in town and I have no life, so I managed not to move or wear a bra.
Reading other people's online journals disturbs me. Not that I don't like to know what is going on in my friends' lives and heads. I do. But Emily's makes me want to go to England as a student, reviving the whole dilemma in my head and heart. Peggy's. Peggy's really confuses me. I understand how she feels about the whole what should she do question. I have no idea. Writing appeals to me, but I think I suck. Like the competition I entered. I'm just waiting to get the email saying that I didn't win. I can't even imagine placing. Plus I have no real motivation. And I don't know if I could stand having such an insecure lifestyle. Unless Peggy finds TWO great, funny, intelligent, cute, and importantly rich and gives me one. But her conflict makes me jealous for some reason. I don't understand why it should, except for the fact that in my mind, she's more talented and more likely to actually sell her artwork and writing.

Tuesday, June 18, 2002

Bored, bored, bored. I feel like my brain is rotting. Anyway, every once in a while a sermon is just what you need to hear. Not often. That kind of happened on Sunday. As in it was what I needed to hear, but it's easy to hear, not to believed. I find myself in an odd state in which I've actually given up on a dream. It may only be temporary (God, I hope it's only temporary). But it's not easy. The fact that I'm slightly hormonal hasn't helped. It's only made me want to cry all the time. Sigh.
OH, have now decided that I officially have the most random things happen to me. I was at the gym today. Working out, gross, not really wanting to see people I know. And I was doing these little leg/hip/ass things on a machine and this girl asks me if she knows me. I had never seen her before the gym. She knew my name. Apparently, she remembered me from my senior year (she was a freshman) at the awards banquet. Where, to be honest, I did win a lot of awards. But still. It was two and a half years ago. And she remembers my name?! Remembers me enough to recognize me?! It was crazy. Though now I feel like a bit of an important personage in little old Cleveland. I think I may have been a bit of a role-model for her. (and yes, I am aware that that sounds pompous. When someone remembers you from one night two years ago, you can too.)
I helped tonight with a program designed to teach adults English. It's pretty cool. It forces me to think about the way english really works. and it's crazy. It also just makes me feel good. Here are nice people really trying. And I get to help them.

Saturday, June 15, 2002

Massive headaches suck. Anyway, I just came back from the mall. I had to get my dad's father's day present. I hate shopping for him. He has so few hobbies/interests that I can't find anything cool for him. Then I can't remember what I've gotten him before, so I'm scared to buy something that I might have given him before. That's probably why I have a headache now. Was hit on by a really creepy trucker in the mall. So the rest of the time I was in the mall, I was constantly looking around to make sure I didn't see him again. Sigh. That's what I get for being so damn sexy. That only weird guys hit on me. Resigh.
Last night I went with my parents to see Nickel Creek at Riverbend. It was fun except we had to sit on a really steep hill and that really made my ass hurt. Chris Theele, the kind of cute mandolin player, was cracking me up. He wants to be a rockstar so bad, dancing around and acting like a guitar player. It was amusing. And I've finally realized that the reason I don't like some concerts is because there is nothing to keep my mind occupied. My dad, who has been driving me up the wall lately, made us stay for a little of a jazz band. The treble was so loud that anytime the brass played, I had to cover my ears. Literally. Chris Theele jumped in on that band, too. I've decided that the little emode's quiz about what time party person you are is definitely right. I'm an observer. The only thing that kept me mildly interested for the two fifteen minute pieces that we listened to was watching the intergroup dynamics and how the addition of Chris messed them up. That was entertaining. You could see how they thought of him as a kid. An incredibly talented kid. A kid who's probably better at his instrument now than they will ever be.

Thursday, June 06, 2002

Ahhh!!! There's one problem with working out. Being sore. Now, I don't really mind being sore. It makes me feel like I've accomplished something besides wasting an hour and a half. But the problem lies in where I'm sore. I made the mistake of exercising my pecs. Since my pecs are in the same general area, and in fact rather beneath other things like breasts, everytime they move (and there is NO bra that prevents all movement), I get a nice little shock of pain. It's just lovely...
I finally got to see Spiderman. I know, I know. It's been out for a month. But I knew my parents wanted to see it. And if I go with them, they pay. It's worth the eight dollars to go with them. Anyway, I loved it and have now decided that Tobey Maguire is the perfect guy. I've discovered that I like bad boys (oooooohhhhhh.... like Spike... and Lex) or really good guys. It's an odd combination.
Well, Matt's in Boston. He actually somewhat has a real job, working as a free-lance correspondent for the Boston Globe. I'm happy for him. Really, I am. But I seriously was going to jump out a window, or maybe a moving car, if I heard my mom talk about it for one more minute. She likes to discuss things that she knows nothing about. Repeatedly. Redundantly. Talking in circles. Over and over again. ;-)

Thursday, May 30, 2002

Find it amusing that Peggy keeps quoting me. It almost makes it worth it to talk to her... ;-)
We went to downtown Chattanooga with Mary and David tonight. They wanted to see Matt before he left. It was fun, but made me want a boyfriend. Let me explain that... Downtown Chattanooga is really cute. There is a park right by the river with restaurants and shops on the edge and a bridge over the river. We went walking over hte walking bridge and around the park. It was warm and the sun was setting. There were flowers blooming near the paths and their scent filled the air. There was a slight breeze and as you walked over the bridge, you could see the lights of Chattanooga reflected in the water. In other words, it was a very romantic atmosphere. And while I love my parents, brother, and Mary and David, they're not exactly the people I'd prefer to be with in that situation. And no. I have no specific person in mind. Just someone... special. So now I'm in a wistfully romantic mood. At least I had Whitney's amusing one-line email to make me laugh.

Wednesday, May 29, 2002

okay. I feel a slight need to explain. I'm not HAPPY that Peggy doesn't have a job. The perfect situation would be for both of us to have a job. But I don't want to be the only one jobless and broke. And if that's selfish, so be it. Anyway, speaking of jobs... Barnes and Noble is hiring. Now whether or not they will be hiring me is another story. But I now have a probable back-up. And no, it's not the greatest back-up. I can babysit for the McCarleys. Babysitting is not my favorite thing, but there are some benefits. One, the McCarleys are nice and I've babysat them lots. Two, they have a pool, so I could finally get tan. Three, it would be easy to get time off for things like visiting New York and Cincinnatti (not quite in the same catagory, but still...). And four, money! I need money. Particularly before Riverbend, when my friends are going to want to go out to eat before going to the concerts. So, once I'm employed, I will get behind Peggy and support her with all that I have. Not that I wouldn't support her now. I would just have to support her while listening to a little voice in my head go "shit. Now I'm all alone in my joblessness"
Okay, that was suitable boring. In other news, Matt is driving me crazy. Since my mom has promised me not to nag, Matt has taken over. And he's a more annoying nager than my mom.grr... But I have to be nice since he's leaving soon. That and I'm sure he has good, if annoying intentions. Of course, if he doesn't back off, I may snap.
My house has been flooded with people. Worker people. But, they'll be done next Wednesday. No more having to get dressed to eat breakfast or know that people are watching you when you walk to the kitchen. And no, none of them that I have seen anyway have been cute. sigh.

Saturday, May 25, 2002

Just want to point out the irony in my life. Am suffering from an allergic reaction. My tongue is swollen, my mouth itches, my eyes burn. And what am I allergic to, you ask? Clarinex. An allergy medicine.
YAY!! Just finished watching the Buffy season finale. It made me happy. WEll, the last scene especially. I even squealed. But I won't say anymore because I gave Whitney this link (if she hasn't lost it) and I know she hasn't seen any for a while.
Listened to my All-State cd.Damn, we were good. It made me miss being a part of a really good choir. I mean, All-East and All-State were so much fun. Intense, but fun. And I love singing hard music with people who can read dynamics and directors who actually made you. (for those of you not in the music world, all state is the top 300 singers from the state. You audition for your region, mine was all east. The judges give you scores, the top scores from each section get to go to all east, then the top people from all east go to all state). I've missed being out of the real music scene. Of course, I don't miss all the rejections, the not winning or even placing in competitions coupled wiht people telling you you're really good. Makes for confusion/doubt. And depression. Things I'm not a big fan of.
Went to see Star Wars: Episode II today. It was good. Definitely enjoyed it, though the whole changing of scenes abruptly and frequently got a bit old. I agree with Emily that Aniken had the dark broody thing going, but he was also really sulky. Reminded me of the bad thing about being a teen ager. which I don't really want to be reminded of. Though Obione Kanobi (and yes. I'm aware that I have no idea how to spell that) was kind of cute in an older, I'm going to save the universe and still be adorable way. And I now want a cloak.

Monday, May 20, 2002

Anyway, I'm back! Scary, I know. Matt's graduation was... long. It was nice, but long. Lots of Carolina blue. WAY too many relatives. You know you have too many people in a group when it takes twenty minutes to decide anything. I have decided, my parents can be very boring. We seriously talked about the stupidest things for WAY too long. Drank too much coffee. And am glad to be home, where I can escape from people.
It was odd. And kind of sad. We went to a dinner with the Wesley Foundation, a group Matt's been a part of (was even president of) and I could see how well he was liked. I couldn't help but be jealous. I've known for a long time that I was the smart one and Matt the popular. but there has always been a part of me that longs to be like him; the kind of person everyone is attracted to, wants to be friends with. The kind of person who is sought by others. I just feel like a social failure sometimes. Not that I don't have friends. I do. As you guys who are reading this know. But I know I'm not that type of person. And sometimes I hate that about myself.
Yeah, so I've been in a really weird mood lately. Keep swinging from bitter and cynical to pissed to easily amused to depressed. I hate hormones. I finally developed all my pictures from school. They're SO cute. And, for some reason, about ten minutes after I looked through them, they made me want to cry. Why? I have no idea. In fact, I think I'm going to go sleep. Try to snap myself out of this funk that I am in. Or I could work on the new story I started. (Yes. I actually started a new story. Oh, if anyone wants to read and comment on my old story- I might enter it in a competition, but want more feedback first- just email me.) It's about anorexia, so THAT should make me feel better (hint of sarcasm?)