Betrayal

So my coworker pointed out this today. Apparently Bear Grylls and Man Vs. Wild is a big fraud. He stays in hotels. Consultants make his rafts and show him how, so they can get the precious shots of him building them. Channel 4, the channel in Britain airing the show, excused themselves, saying fans should know because " he often directly addresses the production team, including the cameraman, making it clear he is receiving an element of back-up." Which is a big fat lie, obviously spoken by someone who doesn't actually watch the show. The ONLY times I've ever seen Bear address the cameraman were when they were in danger and he was telling them to get back or get out of the water or some such warning. And Bear himself has said on the show that he's not allowed to interact with them. Hmph.

Now some of you might not think that this is such a big deal. After all, he's still showing you the survival techniques and he still, as Channel 4 put it, "does his own stunts." But it is. First of all, they lied. I'm tired of people lying, relying on trickery to get good ratings. Plus, while Bear is attractive, liars are not. So all this makes him less attractive. Second of all, I only marginally watch the show to learn how to survive if, by some strange chain of events, I wind up stranded in the arctic or something. A good portion of why I watch is to see how someone well-trained can manage to do these things that are beyond my capabilities. To learn that they are beyond his, too? Such a let-down. Next, they'll tell us that he wasn't actually climbing waterfalls in the wild, that it was all a set and they had those invisible wires holding him up.

That's it. My allegiance now goes to Survivor Man. Not only is his show more informative, because he can't do a huge amount that I can't, but it's more true. After all, he doesn't even have a cameraman with him. He carries all his own equipment.

Less-es approaching

I have decided that one of my new big pet peeves is people who don't email back in a timely manner. No, I'm probably not talking about you. But if I am... beware...

So the big move is approaching and I will officially have no where to live. Then, one and a half weeks after I become homeless, I shall become jobless, too. I will essentially be a bum, living off the government. Of course, in this case, I shall eventually have to pay the government back and will have a place to live at some point in time. But still. It's all so exhausting.

I would, of course, write about the final Harry Potter book, but I know several people who don't know what happens, and I don't want to ruin it for them. For some reason, though, that kindness doesn't want to extend to people on my commute. Every time I see someone reading it, I really just want to yell out, "So-and-so dies. DIES. Kaput. They are gone." I don't get it. Most of these people I feel rather neutral towards. One is one who does tend to annoy me by talking loudly and obnoxiously to her friend, but the rest are perfect strangers. I don't actually do it, but the temptation... always there. I did enjoy the last book, but now I have to go back and reread it. I read it in a speed-reading marathon of approximately 6.5 hours, meaning I averaged over 100 pages an hour. I'm rather proud of that. But now I need to go back and reread the 4th and 5th and then the 7th. I just reread the 6th like last week, so don't really need to. There are things I only vaguely remember. Like Sirius' mirror. Minor flashes of recollection, but for the most part? Only grayness... Appropriately enough.

Furthering my nerdom

I discovered something sad today. Apparently, there is a Buffy Musical sing-a-long this weekend. And I don't have tickets. And it's sold out. Though it'll be back in November, if I can remember and have the time to go.

Also, I have to force myself to stay away from the news. How dare they leak details about the last Harry Potter book?! Jerks.

And Arlington sucks. See, I went to see a place last night that was a forever long walk away from the metro. It involved crossing 50 where it intersects Washington Blvd. Both are 4 lanes. 50 is crazy and really can't be crossed without a light. There is a sidewalk on the side of Washington and you go under 50, so theoretically it should all work out. HOWEVER. Arlington had to redo the bridge. They are trying to make it more pedestrian-friendly, which I am all in favor of. To do this, they, in their infinite wisdom, decided to destroy both sides of the sidewalk and put confusing little "Sidewalk closed. Go this way." signs everywhere that wound up pointing to each other.

So I wind up perilously walking in construction trenches where the sidewalk should be, as cars going 45 whiz by three feet away. I was hot, I got dirt blown on me, and I'm still apartmentless. And my ankle starting twinging with pain last night. This morning, it hurts more and I have a funny bruise/swollen area. I blame the county. CW thinks I should sue.

Moving sucks, and other things

I am so ready for a vacation. Good thing that I bought my tickets home! Yay. And I'm leaving a day earlier, because that's when flights were cheapest and when I could overlap trips with my brother and sister-in-law. Now, if I can just get housing nailed down...

Speaking of which, I met with Most-Likely Roommate. She's pretty cool. Nerdy enough to like Eureka, which is always a good sign. CW decided I wasn't excited enough about the whole thing, but really. I'm just completely exhausted. This whole thing is just wearing me out to the point that I just want it to be over. Although I did discover a lovely coffee frappucino type-thing when I went to meet her. (The exhaustion plus the stress = me craving coffee and sweets, or better yet, sweet coffee.)

I also am making gradual process on my lists. Applied for health insurance, which hopefully will not take the 4-6 weeks they mention, as I am supposed to have it for grad school and that will barely get it going in time, as my old cuts of September 1. I also really need to go get my shots (I can't believe I still have to be vaccinated for school. As my mom puts it, "You're in GRAD school and you need to fill out health sheet?!) I've been decent on my packing plan, although Cassie hates it. She is enjoying one of the tubs, as she likes to sleep on it or just jump up there to better attack me. Her hating the changes, though, leads to her crying entirely too much. Some of that is because she found one of these little flower roses that she absolutely loves to chase around. She carries it around, though, and cries. Apparently, she associates crying and carrying. I'm not quite sure why.

Nothing funny or entertaining seems to be happening lately. I mean, there are the political fiascos still, the quotes from the Administration that make me want to run through the streets screaming, "STOP LYING TO US, WE AREN'T MORONS!" until I listen to quotes from the general public and am reminded that, yes, we are morons. My brain isn't working, so I'm not even having funny thoughts. Although I did feel like I had fallen inside a Zach Braff movie the other day, listening to a French cd on the metro. Something about the type of music and the movement of the metro. I also thought that it would be cool to shoot a scene that included the reflection of a person climbing the escalators in the metro, mainly because I saw the reflection of me climbing the stairs in the metro.

Oh, I am almost done with the scarf that would not die! That excites me. My goal is to finish it before I move. I think I can do it. I only need to knit a few more inches. And then I have to sew part of it together, because of a whole fiasco which is not that interesting but which led me to threaten to burn a row of the scarf for every minute the next time SB fell asleep.

Besides all that, I just desperately need a break, one which will hopefully occur after I quit. If I haven't moved, then I won't be so relaxed. But, we are keeping our fingers crossed....

A Harry Week

I am declaring this week to be (somewhat) the week of Harry Potter. First, of course, the movie came out last week. I, being the faithful fan that I am, went this weekend. It was thoroughly entertaining. Much better, I thought, than most of the previous. It felt more like a complete movie, able to hold its own separate from the book. I still walked out going, "well in the book, this happened and this was this way and..." but that was more for SB's edification and to prove that he really should just freaking read the books. He doesn't "want the books to ruin the movies for him." Hmph.

And of course, this weekend is... the last book of the series. I'm excited, but yet... It'll be the end. No more Harry Potter. No more getting excited to see what happens next. I'll know. Plus I'm worried for the characters. See, I get way too involved in my books. I mean, entirely caring too much. It's the reason I didn't really like The Lord of the Rings. I couldn't relax for them until I had finished the whole trilogy. Even at the end of one, you knew it was just a breather of safety. And it's not like they are quick reads. I mean, it took a couple of weeks to work through them all. That's a long time to be worried. But yes. And I KNOW that someone I care about is going to die in Harry Potter. It's kind of a given. I mean, I'm rereading the 6th in preparation and I'm having a hard time forcing myself to finish it because I know what happens. I know who dies. But not knowing who but knowing that it's coming and could be anyone? If she's killed off Hermione, I'm going to be pissed.

At least this time there will be no delivery fiasco such as last time, when a stupid company lost my book and I didn't get it for a week and by then was so pissed off, I'd gone to their competitor to buy it. And then, because by then everyone had already finished it, my friend accidentally told me the ending. Which I don't blame her for and which certainly didn't ruin the book or anything. But still. And I'd better have it done by the end of this weekend. Because I know one of my coworkers and he'd tell me the ending just for fun. And Amazon has promised that I will have it in my hands on Saturday, or I don't pay for it.

"Aid"

My dad is officially driving me insane. I think he and my mom are not on the same page about helping me out with school. Either that, or he keeps changing his mind and is feeling frugal. Whatever. All I need to know is a. if they are helping me out and b. if so, by how much. Right now he keeps calling my loans "aid" and acting as if they are like free money, while every once in a while throwing out a mention of them helping me. I've got too many other things up in the air right now; all I need is some freaking answers.

Luckily, I have my escapes. 1. I am totally going to see Harry Potter this weekend. Also, I really need to start rereading the last book so I'll be ready for this next one. Whee!! I was a bit disturbed to see Daniel Radcliffe turning into an almost attractive guy. Not that he's unattractive, but for a long time he was very nerdy and very obviously insanely young. Too young for me, though those of you obsessed with the boys from Newsies... You know who you are... But now he's getting all adult looking. 2. Eureka's new season started last night! I love that show. SB was totally making fun of me, though, because I was really excited about it and then proceeded to pack while it was on. But I was still listening and I watched most of it. I'd just had a bunch of sugar and I have a gradual pack plan. I shall pack a couple of boxes a day and that way I don't have to freak out right before I move. And moving boxes are freaking expensive. I was looking into getting some of the wardrobe boxes, but they are $10 a piece at least, and I'd need several of them. I may just go the tacky route of just putting a big plastic bag around them and taping the hangers together. 3. Watching Cassie, who remains highly strange and entertaining. She just has the best kitty facial expressions. The other night, I looked over and see her sitting on the air conditioner just staring at me with giant eyes. It actually could have been a little frightening, except I know she can't do anything.

The Countdown begins

Ugh. Back here at work again. I took last week off, thanks to some comp time I wanted to use before quitting (QUITTING!!!!) and went home. Home was nice. Not quite as relaxing as I might have hoped, given that I know the 180084782038472890 things I need to do, and don't want to bother with. And there were some mad knitting issues. See, I've been working on a scarf for SB since, well, practically since we started dating. It started out of frugality/I don't know if he's getting me a present for x and need a back-up. Nice plan. However, we are now 4.5 years into the scarf that will not die. I hate this scarf. I hate it with a passion. I threatened to rip it out or burn it or something. Sadly, he does not seem to think this is a great option. He also didn't go for the "it'd just be a really SHORT scarf..." approach. So I got out my how-to book, figured out after I had ripped out the cast-on row that I couldn't add on to the scarf that way, replanned the whole thing, and threw it and SB out the window. Okay, maybe not the last step. But whatever. It's what I wanted to do. I did, however, knit some on my lovely silk shawl while I was at home and remembered why it is so much fun to knit on. It's gorgeous and crazy soft. And I've already loosely planned out my next two projects, with my mom promising to help pay for the yarn for my first sweater...

Also lovely was seeing my grandparents, who are absolutely amazing and gave me enough money that I don't have to flip out for the next few months. Such a stress relief. I can just relax now, once I find a place to live. Which I think I'm close to. I've found a roommate (probably) at least, and we think we know of a place to apply to. I just have to go check it out, actually talk with her in real life, and then get ready to move. I am keeping an eye out for two-bedroom houses, though, since I'd really rather be in a house. I'd love something like this place I looked at in Old Town, which also came with a cool roommate with two cats for Cassie to play with, but a slightly too high price tag and a location not exactly where I wanted.

Not so lovely is the fact that my apartment's air conditioner sucks and currently the temperature hovers around a balmy 78, meaning that I can't really sleep well. Combine that with the hideous headache I had last night, and you get one very sleepy, not wanting to be here worker.

Farewell, Studio 60

I think last night may have been the last ever episode of Studio 60. Studio 60, I shall miss you. You were dramatic and intelligent and therefore had to die. I thought the last episode tied everything up a little too neatly. "She's dying, she's dead, he's dead, no, everyone is alive and happy and in love!!!" But I still enjoyed you muchly. And I nearly missed you entirely. Luckily, I was watching the So You Think You Can Dance? results show immediately before and remembered right as I was about to turn off the TV. (Sidenote: If my brother weren't white, he'd look like Dominic.)

I also think that there is only one other woman working on my floor today. Thanks to the sheer amount of water I usually drink and the tea and coffee I had in addition, I've spent a fair amount of time running back and forth to the bathroom. And there has only been one siting of anyone else and very little evidence that anyone besides us has used the restroom. I know, this is a weird thing to notice, but when you have to pee 8 times in 5 hours, you need something to occupy your mind.

The Hells of House Hunting

Or apartment hunting. Whatever. Technically, I'd like to live in a group house, so it's house hunting. Though if I could buy a place... [drools] I don't know WHY I want my own place so badly, but I do. Poor SB gets to hear a lot about it. Usually at dusk for some reason, when I'll look out the car window (it always happens while driving), and whine, "I want my own house..."

Anyways, I always forget how strange it can be to look for a place. It's like a job interview, a first date and a house sale all rolled in to one. You have to find someone that you'll get along with. Not just someone you'd get along with as friends, because there are some friends that if you lived with them, someone would not come out alive. But someone you can live with, hopefully have fun with, and only want to kill occasionally. This also has to be someone with a comparable level of responsibility, someone who fits you in levels of cleanliness and rent paying. You also have to like the room/place itself. And you are supposed to be able to tell all of this in a matter of minutes. If you are wrong... well, we all know how miserable it can be to be wrong in that kind of situation.

Cassie has been particularly cute lately. I think it is to make sure that I don't start resenting her for keeping me out of houses. Sigh. Stupid people and their biases against cats. Not the people who are allergic. Because I know you can't help that and it's no fun. But the people who think my cute little cat is secretly going to eat their apartment. Now, I know some cats don't behave. Some people don't behave, for that matter. But Cassie is a pretty clean little cat. Her only destructive tendencies are to destroy things that are for her (like her place mat. Completely ripped apart) and to knead select items of my clothing. That I don't really get, or like, but she only does it occasionally and I think she's trained out of it.

In other news... well, I don't have much. I'm going home next week for a much needed pampering. If I could only have a place by then... Pipe dreams, I know. I'm hugely cranky right now. Stupid tourists. Stupid work (and coworkers in general). Stupid heat. Stupid metro. I do have macaroni and cheese for dinner tonight. That, sadly enough, makes me somewhat happier. I also retrieved my poor AWOL iPod last night. I left it on Friday night in SB's car. Well, SB left for other climes on Saturday. He found it, called be obscenely early in the morning to let me know he'd found it, and put it in his mail cubby inside his house. Only problem with this scenario is that I don't have a way to get into his house. I went by Sunday. No one was there. I couldn't make it over there (it's like forever, and by forever I mean a 25 minute drive, away) until last night. I had to commute for TWO DAYS with no iPod. I felt my iq dropping, being forced to listen to the conversations of lost tourists and new interns. Those are iq points I can never get back, people. They are gone for good. So yesterday, I went back by and chased one of SB's roommates into the house. One I'd never met, by the way, which is actually a little frightening. I wonder what I could have stolen...

Befuddling Shoes

There is a man at my metro stop who intrigues me. I see him a couple of times a week, and I'd really like to stop and talk to him, except I'm afraid he might be crazy and, while I don't think he would or could hurt me (it's in the morning, there are lots of people around, he has shoe issues), I really don't want to get stuck in a crazy conversation. Particularly not if he turns out to be internally angry. After watching the crazy guy at Farragut West walk the streets and yell at people, I've realized such things can be a risk.

Anyways, there are lots of people around this town asking for money, but I've never seen anyone like this guy. First of all, he looks nearly normal. The only thing stopping him from completely fitting in to society is the fact that he is mutely asking for money. Well, that and the aforementioned shoe issues. See, the shoes are a big part of the mystery. He HAS shoes, but only some days. And the days when he has shoes, it's not a guarantee that he's wearing them. Some days, you see him standing there, no shoes on, but with a pair quietly sitting beside his feet. Other days, he's wearing them. Still other days, there are no shoes in evidence. What happened to the shoes? Did he walk to the corner without shoes? I've never seen him not at that corner, but maybe I have and didn't recognize him due to his ordinariness. I don't know that I would notice a random person walking with no shoes. I don't look at people's feet THAT often...

The other unique thing about this guy is how he asks for money. There is no sign, he doesn't plead. He just stands there, not looking at anyone, with his hand outstretched and cupped. Which makes me wonder if he really needs that money desperately, because there are very few people who will walk up to someone that closely and put their money directly in his hand. Though he did shave his head a couple of weeks ago and that made him seem more approachable.

It all makes me wonder if perhaps he's doing some kind of social experiment. Perhaps in a few years, I'll open up some magazine and read about the guy who want to see how people would react. Or, I guess I could just talk to him...

Bear Bared

I got my hair retrimmed. And I'm not sure how I feel about it this time. It's more square. I'll give it a week or two to grow on me (ha!), and maybe I'll get my hair cut next time I'm home. The woman I go to there is insanely good and only costs $35, as opposed to the $50 this haircut cost me.

In more exciting news, CW discovered, and more importantly passed on to me, the link to a Bear Grylls blog!! He is of Man Vs. Wild fame and is very hot. Even better, the blog is linked to a photo gallery of some very nice shots. Both SB and CW's boyfriend are a bit jealous of our love for Bear. I'm sorry. He's hot, he's in amazing shape, he knows how to get out of any situation alive, and does crazy stunts for charity. I'm not saying I'd want to marry the guy, partly because he's already married and partly because I wouldn't want to worry that much about my husband while he's jumping into freezing waters and floating on small rafts above shark-infested waters. But I wouldn't turn down a date with him, either.

I'm also trying to decide on whether or not to take a lease. See, the house is very cute, my roommate seems very nice, the location is ideal, and Cassie would have a pug to play with. The rent is reasonable for around here (although SB was nice enough to point out that you are paying more for the ideal location), though a little higher than what I'd like to spend. Actually, I'd like to spend much, much less, but I have this crazy idea where I don't want to live in fear of random muggings or shootings. And I don't want to expose Cassie to potential crack dealers. She is at an impressionable age, you know.

The negatives would be that the house is pretty small, including what would be my room, and there is a shared bathroom. And I have a lot of stuff, mainly clothes and a few pictures/paintings. Plus, the pug goes outside, which means that I probably should start giving Cassie heartworm medicine. And it's hard to tell how well you'd get along with someone from just a brief moment.

But I did like her and the house is cozy and there is the storage shed out back. I just don't know. I hate making decisions like this. I feel like if I say yes, and if she wants me to live there (it's a delicate dance), it's monumental. Sigh. This is why I need a real magic 8 ball...

One More Time for Junk!

Just to keep Home Improvement Ninja happy, there is now a new Catholic boy in the world. Let the gun-burying begin.

Clearly it's been a while since an update. Reasons? Getting ready for big event, big event, exhaustion, illness, no internet due to staying home due to illness... It all takes up a lot of time. The fever dreams are exciting though. Strangely vivid.

Anyways, last night, SB and I were watching So You Think You Can Dance?, at least until Last Comic Standing came on and SB made me change. (Not really mad. It's actually pretty funny. There currently is a guy literally dressed up like an ape. It's his whole shtick.) Watching the bizarre dances made me think of the wonderful time in high school when Haley and I made up a dance. Or rather a "dance." It was strange. Very strange. We spent weeks on it, working during breaks in choir. I can't remember much of it, just a few turns, a jump or two, and that it was very staccato. We only performed it once, for our friends, who stared at us in disbelief and confusion while we fell on the floor laughing.

This made me feel a bit nostalgic and I went to find the picture of us from it. I never found it, but did enjoy looking through the one scrap book I'd made and the one photo album one of my best friends made me. The pictures reminded me of one or two things.

First, and a bit redundantly given the dance story. I was/am quite strange. Not in a freak you out sort of way, but what I like to think of as a refreshingly unexpected and entertaining way. Not only was there the dance, there was also the cookie story (It looks like a cookie, it smells like a cookie, it TASTES like a cookie... IT'S A MUFFIN!!!) which Haley and I would randomly repeat. There were the strange pictures of the Gang of Four, the most innocuous high school gang (originally group) EVER. I mean, seriously. Four white, upper middle class, honor roll students who had known each other since elementary school. There were several pool pictures that I know took hours to set up. There was the picture where I "accidentally" dropped Julie on the floor during set-up. There was my and Emily's favorite joke ("Ask me if I'm a truck..." "Are you a truck?""...no...")<-- it grows on you. I haven't been quite that weird since high school, I'd say. So I'm making it my goal to find people who allow/make me be that weird. Because let's face it. It was a lot of fun.

Also, looking at the pictures, for all my self-esteem issues, I was freaking adorable. So I stick my tongue out at all my crushes who never got up the courage to ask me out. Nerds...

Stepping over the brink

So the whole office officially knows that I'm leaving. Our president made some wisecrack about how a BA in English didn't really add up to much for me. Whatever. My old supervisor who is now just a coworker was really happy for me. He's been funny about it. I think he's the most genuinely happy for me of the whole office. Not that the others aren't, but they all have reasons for wanting me to stay. Whereas this guy, I think, has felt like I should leave for a while. And I heard from the school that they received my deposit and intent to attend, so I'm all formalized there. I just have to get all my medical ducks in a row. My whole family was a little worried about that, as the form claimed the school needed to know by May 1. I had talked to the department and they seemed completely okay with me waiting to decide, and I figured it was all a bit of a scare tactic, but my mom in particular freaked out. All nagging without nagging. Now if I could just find a place... I know I'm still forever out, but as of today I have let my apartment know that I'll be leaving. They want a ridiculous 2 months notice, so... And Cassie is making it so much harder. I tell her that frequently. I do always follow it with a "but I love you, so it's okay," but still. Stupid people and their biases against/allergies to cats.

And Catholic couple should just about be Catholic parents by now. She was supposed to be induced today. So, either there is a new Catholic baby out there, or there will be any moment now. SB, who went home for the race (sigh), saw them on Tuesday and said she was huge. He also informed me that she was already starting to dilate, which was something that a. I didn't need to know and b. I'm not sure if I want him to know either. Anyways, I wish them much joy and her an easy delivery.

Neither Asian or Blond

I have become a compulsive Craigslist watcher, mainly the housing section. Though I do dream of being a missed connection. I have decided that for that to happen, I need to either become Asian or blond. Since blond seems more likely... but then I'd look strange. I'm not a natural blond and it shows.

So I told my supervisor at work today that I'd be leaving in August. He was very nice about it all. Though he did make fun of me for not wanting to tell our President. I believe he called me a chicken. Which I will freely own up to. Just paint me yellow and stick some feathers on me.

I had a rather relaxing weekend that was and wasn't. For one, I really didn't eat much on Saturday, primarily because of my weaving class. I went to the regular class and stayed late to finish warping my loom for my individual project. By late, I mean basically the entire afternoon. and then Saturday and Sunday night, I went into mad weaving overdrive and actually finished my whole scarf. Now I'm planning on going on Thursday, rewarping, and weaving a present for someone. It shall be glorious.

Political ranting

Yay! The local wine store I emailed about the Noche wine is getting it in early June. That makes me very happy. Now I don't have to plan a trip to the winery if I don't want to, or pay the ridiculous shipping charges. Not that I blame the winery for that one. I know they have to pay what the various companies charge them.

So I made the mistake of reading the comments on a Newsweek article on Bill and Hillary Clinton. The article was on whether or not Bill would help or hurt Hillary's campaign. The comments were just ridiculous. I'm not saying that I expect these comments to be erudite, but come on. All, "We shouldn't vote for a woman weak enough to stay with her husband after what he did," and "The Clintons are lying liars who lie and stuff," and "If Hillary wins, it will be the end of civilization and American values!" I'm not saying that people who disagree with me (or with whom I disagree) are dumb; everyone is entitled to their opinions. But people, if you are going to say something crazy, at least back it up with something vaguely resembling reasoning. Tell me what policies Hillary would institute that could have a negative impact upon civilization. And would someone please define American values? Because what I would consider American values (freedom, the belief that everyone can succeed with enough effort, not bombing the shit out of countries for stupid reasons) have pretty well been trampled by this administration. And yet the people who are screaming about American values also seem to be the ones who tell me that not supporting the administration is equal to support terrorism.

Oh, and this is another thing. I know they have defined it as "the war on terror" and people are "weak on terror," etc. I hate that. Terror is an emotion. Terrorists are people, terrorism is an act. Terror is an emotion. Now, I'd say that you could wage a war on terror, mainly by trying to get people not to be afraid. Take Back the Night, I would say, is waging a war on terror. Blowing people up to supposedly stop terrorism? Not waging a war on terror. And how can you be weak on terror? Does that mean you don't get scared enough? I know, I know. Crazy English major arguing semantics. But these things matter, whether or not you believe they do.

Huzzah for wine!

I adore the Mount Vernon wine festival. SB and I went on Sunday and it was just SO lovely. Much better this time than the last time we went. Last time, we went to the one in October. We had tickets for the Friday, we were running late, got stuck in traffic, it was cold, dark, raining, we didn't have enough time to sample all the wines... This time, we had a leisurely late lunch (after my audition) at Cracker Barrel, then drove over and got there right about the time they were opening the gates.

And I fell madly in love while there. With a wine. This wine is AMAZING. It is infused with chocolate. A wine. And chocolate. Mated to create a beautiful dessert wine that is like a good truffle dipped in love. It's Noche from Coopers Vineyard (a VA winery). Sadly, they SOLD out before SB and I bought our bottles. Stupid trying to be practical. Now I'm trying to figure out how best to get my hands on this wine. Because, see, I could order it online, but then I have to pay $6 per bottle for shipping. And that's just wrong. I don't think anyone sells it around here (if you know, please tell me!), and that basically only leaves driving to the vineyard. which is a possibility, but will take time and I want my wine now.

But yes. It was an absolutely lovely night with gorgeous weather. We sat out on the hill, looking at the water, drinking wine, and listening to the band play music, except when "George and Martha Washington" were leading people in cheers. "Huzzah!"

You Wanna Play Capture the Flag?

Someone got here by googling "my bf's hot daddy." This search disturbs me. First of all, what does bf stand for? Boyfriend or best friend? Either way, it's just wrong. I keep trying to find some way in my head to make it not wrong, but it still is.

Also, Roosh V has a blog today about how men should try and get flags, rather than notches. Ie, they should try and sleep more with people from different countries to prove their universal sexiness, rather than just trying to sleep with the most people in general. I've said before, a good portion of his blog is masochistic shit from bitter, bitter men who date girls only to sleep with them and then complain that they don't meet any interesting girls... But this post amused me, not because I agree with it (because it's just stupid), but because it reminded me of why I was in the Sleazy Boys Club.

See, my friends in college created the Sleazy Boys Club, primarily because they act like sleazy 13 year old boys at times. Hitting on their friends, humping their friends, humping my Legolas poster on my door... I gained entry primarily because of my tendency to come up with horrible pick-up lines. Mainly my "my breasts are sore, can you massage them?" line and the "wanna boing my curls?" line. (Sidenote: I never actually used these pick-up lines. I just thought they were funny. So I read about the whole flag concept and I'm reading the comments and all I can think is "Wanna play Capture the Flag?" Which then makes me giggle even more, since I mainly played Capture the Flag with church groups. Which of course then leads me to the time when Michelle and I snickered through an entire worship service because we were perverting it in our heads. Yeah, we weren't a good influence on each other...

On a completely different topic, if I don't figure out how to destress soon, I'm going to go Lily Allen on someone's ass. (She has the whole song about "one drink more and I'm ready for action"). Only I don't need the drink. I seriously thought about hitting this woman on the metro yesterday who apparently, although she looked to be in her early forties, was six, as she kept glaring at me and shoving her bag into me because I was, I don't know, on the metro. Standing close to her, largely because there were 349083409 other people on the metro and I had no choice. Whatever. But her ridiculousness plus my crankiness due to stress could have lead to a showdown... Hopefully, this weekend I can make decisions (I'm going to look at a room in a house that sounds PERFECT! I hope I love it... and a campus) and then I can tell my stupid bosses that I'm leaving and it'll be great.

Stop staring at me! (Or not.)

I'm finally auditioning for a non-church choir. I'm kind of excited, though I'd be more excited if I didn't have to sing my prepared piece acappella. I'm not a big fan of that. Especially since I tend to go sharp when nervous. Plus I have to drive into DC and every time I've tried to go somewhere in particular, particularly places in NW, I get lost. Luckily, the common factor seems to be trying to take 395 into the city, and this time I get to take 50. I can handle that. I hope. Otherwise I guess I'll just be massively late.

I was reading an article on how young people have a completely different idea of privacy than those in their mid-30's. I would link to it, but I'm too lazy. It was interesting, though. I mean, even when I wrote in my diary, I imagined an audience. This blog is just an expansion of that. Does that mean that I was already being impacted by a new thought on privacy when I was only 10? I mean, the internet wasn't really popular then... Did people in previous eras NOT imagine that someone, someday would read what they had written?

Then there is the whole fact that we all basically expect every aspect of our lives to be recorded. By someone at least. I wonder, though, if my age group in particular is more or less circumspect when it comes to what we put online. I wouldn't post anything on any social networking site that I didn't want future bosses to see. Well, that's not entirely true. It probably wouldn't look great all my complaining on here about my job. But if they did see it, I'd be perfectly willing to discuss why I wrote what I did. I definitely wouldn't put up anything that could get me fired. Although these days, anything you put up could get you fired, it seems. Either way, I'm always aware that someone might read stuff, or find pictures, or decide to stalk and eat me. Whatev.

The future LOOMS

Apparently this week is National AmeriCorps week. As an alum, I guess I could do something, but seeing as how I hated my stint in AmeriCorps and only know a few people who enjoyed theirs, I think I'd better not. In AmeriCorps defense, though, I did VISTA (where you do an office job for a non-profit, thus indirect service), which has to be the most confused, least defined of all the AmeriCorps types. I think plain AmeriCorps and NCCC can provide participants with wonderful experiences. VISTA seems to be hit or miss. And I definitely missed.

So I've started looking at housing stuff and I'm getting a little more excited. I definitely want to be on the metro, and it looks like I can be. Whee!! Though then I'll be further away from where I'm taking my weaving class... which makes me sad, since I really kind of want to take the four shaft weaving. See, I took the rigid heddle class because I thought four shaft automatically meant floor looms. But NO! They are these adorable little table looms and I want to work on one and then I want to buy one and it'll be great. And cute. I think I may be in love with these looms. Lust, at least. Which reminds me... I need to steal a marker from work. Our assignment this week is to weave a circle, and I need to mark the warp!

Walking on Coals

I woke up to a rather strange situation this morning. Zach Braff was on my radio station. Now this might not seem strange. Afterall, his movie is coming out today, it's logical to think that he might be out promoting it. But I listen to a country station to wake up with. And Mr. Braff and country music don't seem to go together so well. Though he did start singing some old school country music...

Last night reminded me why I love Pam on The Office. Basically, she expresses everything I hate about my job without me having to figure it out by myself. She's much more unsure of herself in general than I am, but otherwise, we don't seem so different. She had a whole rant about feeling invisible in the office, like she didn't even matter, and a part of me said, "yes! That's a good part of what I hate here!!" Not that even most of my coworkers ignore me. It's just the attitude that if there is something boring, something no one else wants to do and something that requires no real intellect, it's automatically your responsibility. The thought that you don't deserve somehow the same respect that everyone else gets. My boss has shown me that over and over again, somehow thinking that I won't notice. Which of course is untrue. I mean, give me a break. The woman has done great things in her past, but she's not of the highest intellectual caliber. And she looks down on me? Treats me like I can't figure out the smallest thing? Acts like I am only good for insignificant work? Work, I might add, if undone would cause her great problems in her life... Whatever. But yes. So all the Pams out there, I understand!!! And all you non-Pams... don't think you're better than we are. Because you need us more than you know. And soon, I shall be a non-Pam again. I can't wait.

Exhouncy

So I can't decide if I'm exhausted or bouncy. I declare myself to be exhouncy! I shouldn't be exhausted. I feel asleep at freaking 10:30 last night. I did work out like mad. Seriously. I have got to learn to pace myself more. Though if I hadn't been so tired, I might have gotten in a fight with obnoxious woman who WOULD NOT GET OFF THE MACHINE that I wanted to use. I mean, come on. If you can do like 10 sets on one machine, you clearly are not lifting enough. And it's just rude when 9 people are hovering for that same machine. When she got up, I expected a mad scuffle. I graciously got on one of the other machines that I like, abandoned by a man who was going for the other.

I also shouldn't be bouncy. I woke up with a mad headache and then spend the morning looking at possible apartments only to realize that moving is going to be REALLY expensive. Sigh. But while I enjoy my neighborhood muchly and while my rent is reasonable and does not go up because I have a cat, the commute for school would be hell, no matter which school I choose. So onto Craigslist I shall go. The thing that I don't like is that Craigslist seems to be more current. As in if I wanted an apartment in the next three weeks, I could apply. I'd like to have things settled before hand. And if I could be by a metro... Sigh... that would be a dream come true.

Though, if I were by a metro, I wouldn't get the sights I do at the Pentagon. For example. For the past two days, there has been a woman standing by the metro, holding a "welcome, all Congressional Staffers" sign. I have never seen someone look less happy to be out there, holding a sign and welcoming staffers. She stands there with a frowny pathetic face, reminiscent of Eeyore, "welcoming" Hill staff.

Mystery solved!

I have found out where my missing socks go!!! Apparently, this guy is stealing them. I don't know why this is so funny to me. Maybe the mental picture of police following a trail of socks. Maybe it's the mental picture of the thief trying to worm his way through a basement window, socks in hand. Whatever. It makes me giggle.

What did not make me giggle was waking up to loud crashing this morning. Cassie, in her oh-so-fluffy cuteness, decided that what she wanted to do at 6 in the morning was kill my plants. I had these cute little pots with these newly burgeoning plants. Did she eat them? No. I could handle her eating them. Eating them would be less messy and at least my poor little plants would be dying for a cause, rather than just being wasted. But no. She just wanted to knock them off the table, getting dirt all over the floor and leaving the poor little seedlings continued existence a bit precarious. And waking me up and making me clean up soil at 6 in the morning. She got yelled at. Maybe she learned her lesson. She seemed a bit sheepish when I actually got up for good this morning. Or maybe I'll come home to find them once again on the floor. I'd move them, but it's the only place that gets sun...

Hidden Insults

My boss just walked by and told me that she "liked me so much better with short hair." I'm not impressed. We'll just see what she says if I dye it all funky.

So, yeah, I'm totally stressed out. This whole thing with SB (still in limbo) is driving me nuts. I might just resolve it all by killing him. Not really, because then I'd be really sad AND in jail, but some shaking might occur. Or beating with a pillow. Also, I'm still trying to decide on which school. It's between two, my first choice, and my second. Now, you could say that I should automatically go with my first choice. But should I? I picked it as my first primarily on gut reaction. Now I have to put thought into it. I've talked to current students there. My second choice students have not gotten back to me. Which is a negative in their column. I'd have to move for second choice. But second choice is bigger, has more options for classes, and a better career guidance organization. First choice is smaller, which means fewer options but also more personal attention. It would be a different experience after a big school for undergrad. It is a bigger name school, which would look good on my resume. It doesn't have much career guidance. Costs are comparable. It's all just confusing. I feel like Rory Gilmore with her lists...

Which, speaking of... I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY ARE ENDING THE SHOW!!! And only two weeks before the last episode?! I needed time to say goodbye. Two weeks is not enough goodbye time. The Gilmore Girls is now a part of my life. There shall be a hole in my life which cannot be filled by any sitcom. I may just give up on non-documentary tv...

Dissertation on Love

I had a lovely chat with Emily last night. We, not surprisingly, wound up talking about relationship stuff (there was much awwing on my part. New relationships are just so cute!). I realized this morning, some of what I said might have been a bit bitter. Which is also not entirely surprising, considering the morass SB and I are still in the middle of. But it's not really what I think or feel.

We were talking about being in new relationships and how some personality types, such as me, can put entirely too much pressure on it. I remember a few days/weeks into SB's and my relationship trying to analyze if what I felt was what I should be feeling, if it all meant anything, if he was "the one." I mean, I hardly knew him. We hadn't spent hardly any time together, not really, and I was already trying to figure out if we should get married? Was I crazy?! (The answer to that was and is undoubtedly yes.) But the problem is, society and tv abound with examples of people falling madly in love immediately and knowing someone is the person they are supposed to be with within a few weeks. I'm not saying that there aren't examples of this happening, that I don't know people who have this happen. But I don't think I'm the personality type to let it. (Neither is CW, who, as she puts it, is "not sappy.") I'm too analytical, always examining everything that is happening to try and decide what it means. It's hard for me to just let go and be in the moment. But I think having doubts can be a good thing, too. It makes you examine things. It's like having doubts about your faith; questioning can point out the flaws, but in doing so, it makes faith stronger. I wonder if people who never doubt their relationship, especially in the beginning, examine it, or if they wind up later having doubts because they fell in so quickly.

The bitterness aspect comes in in that when we were talking about doubts, I said that I thought everyone has them (which I still maintain is true, at least at some point in the relationship). Emily responded that she knew x, y, and z who fell head over heels and were insanely happy together. I said I didn't think I was that type of person. And I don't know that I am. And that's what sounds bitter, but I don't think it is, not really. I think it's just a different type of love. Or maybe it's the same kind, but I'm afraid of letting myself feel what I feel, so I hide it from myself. Which is a distinct possibility. I remember reading something somewhere about people who, rather than feel everything as deeply as they actually do, try to suppress it to avoid being completely overwhelmed all the time. Of course, I can't remember where I read it, even what type of media, but oh well. I liked it, nonetheless. Either way, I don't think either way is better, just being completely sure is easier at the outset.

A Birthday wrap-up

First of all, I would like to thank everyone for their birthday wishes. I had voicemails from 9:06 on, plus emails and facebook comments and whatnot. It was lovely. As for my birthday itself, it was pretty good. Not the most stellar birthday ever, primarily because of how many things are up in the air, but pretty good. I got a lovely necklace from my parents, plus a drawing of my elementary school and some kind of fun class from my mom. I need to find out about the pricing on the fun class, although first I need to finish my weaving. My brother and s.i.l. got me a craft magazine subscription and a "Reasons to Cancel Your Subscription: the Worst of NPR Programming" cd, which I'm sure shall be quite entertaining. SB got me some rather nice earrings and matching hair clips... I also bought myself some yarn and earrings. Plus my parents flew up here for my birthday. I haven't driven that much in one weekend in a while... We went out to Luray Caverns and up to Annapolis and out to Manassas twice to get and return my dad to his plane. I went through a whole tank of gas and bumped my car up into the 18000 mile range. Yes, I know. I don't drive that much.

After seeing an article in the Post about sexual harassment of female bloggers, I'm starting to be happy that I'm not that popular. Which actually tied into a dream where no one liked me and in fact, everyone was mad at me and I was just hovering in the background. I've had very strange dreams recently, in part, I think, because of the heat in my apartment. See, they haven't yet turned on the air in my building and my apartment for some strange reason retains heat like none other. Therefore, my apartment has been miserably hot for the past week or two. Like 80-85 degrees at night. It's insane. But yes. So I shall take the lack of readers here as a good thing.

Me, A to Z

Because Jordan Baker tagged me and because all the allergy drugs/lack of sleep due to said allergies and the fact that my apartment is 10324890 degrees have temporarily broken my mind... I'll do a meme.

A- Available or Single? Um. Complicated. At this juncture, I would say no to both. Unless it's on one of those government forms, where single means not married.

B- Best Friend: Cassie. Or Whitney or Amy or SB.

C- Cake or Pie: Is it sweet? Because if it is, I'm all in. Even more so if it's chocolate.

D- Drink of Choice: Sweet tea, if offered. Or wine or a mojito (not only is it fun to drink, it's even more fun to say.)

E- Essential Item(s): Food, water, air. And books.

F- Favorite Color: Purple. For now. Changes frequently.

G- Gummi Bears or Worms? Worms

H- Hometown: Smalltown, TN

I- Indulgence: ice cream

J- January or February: Yeah, I don't get this question. Do I discriminate against February because it's shorter, or allow that Valentine's Day could balance it all out? And is having Valentine's Day such a great thing? But January isn't exactly a great month either. You're all worn out from the holidays, it's dark outside, there's not much to look forward to for a while... We'll call it a wash.

K- Kids: Eventually. What can I say, I'm a breeder...

L- Life is incomplete without: chocolate. Have I mentioned that I'm really into sweets? Because I totally am. And air, because without air, you quickly die.

M- Marriage Date: Hmph.

N- Number of Siblings: 1 and an in-law, who's rather short but whom I like, so we'll call it 1.8.

O- Oranges or Apples? Who could choose?

P- Phobias/Fears: Ghosts, failure, not death, but dying... losing loved ones

Q- Favorite Quote: I, sadly enough, don't have one. Feel free to leave yours in the comments.

R- Reasons to smile: Friends, baby animals, annoying people tripping in public

S- Season: Fall

T- Tag Three: I REFUSE!!! (Mainly because I can't think of three, but still...) Do it if you want to. And are bored.

U- Unknown Fact About Me: When I was little, I used to make up songs every day on my way home from school. They were awful. They might have been amazing, except that I also had the bad habit of falling down the stairs...

V – Vegetarian or Oppressor of Animals? Who says I can't be both? You can oppress animals in more ways than eating them...

W- Worst Habit(s): Procrastination, overthinking, laziness, comfort eating

X – X-rays or Ultrasounds? This is just dumb. I'm going to go with Xylophones.

Y- Your Favorite Foods. chocolate, sweets, pasta, asparagus, broccoli (see, I'm not ENTIRELY unhealthy...)

Z- Zodiac: Taurus.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

So, yes, I chopped off my hair. I mean, to the point I can't put any of it up. It's a slanted bob, somewhat similar to the one Sarah Jessica Parker had. But a little shorter. I like it now, but I think I'll really like it when it's a bit longer. AND she totally agrees with Whitney on giving me funky red highlights. Which will be lovely, particularly if I get someone else to go see her, because then she said she'd do them for free. :-) I was a little insulted, as she said that cutting my hair took 10 years off of me. I'm not saying that longer hair didn't make me look older and more serious. But I feel I'm still young enough to not be too worried about looking older. In fact, for a while, I really wanted to look older.

Speaking of older, I am rapidly approaching my 24 birthday. Mere days away, in fact. I wish I were more excited. I blame a. getting older, b. all the crap that has gone on in my life lately, and c. I can't really think of any presents I desperately want. Oh well. My parents are flying up, fun shall be had, and cake shall be eaten.

Toygers and other dreams

In honor of all the many people who get here thanks to my archived picture of a liger (prized for their skills in magic), I am posting a picture of a toyger. Yes, a toyger. These are cats that are being bred to look more and more like tigers, but they won't eat you. They might try (as Cassie proves by gnawing on my arm to wake me up in the morning), but they will have cat-sized jaws and claws. It's a little strange. But hey. Whatever you want to spend your time doing is fine with me.

My mind apparently decided last night that my top-choice school, on which I've given up since I REALLY doubt I'm getting funding and therefore can't afford it, was secretly Hogwarts. And Teddy Hall at Oxford, all in one. And a girl with whom I was friends in high school but haven't seen since opted to go somewhere else so that I could have her funding and her room. Rather nice of her, I thought. It would have been glorious and made me a bit sad. Then I decided to go on Facebook and see if I could find this old friend and, in the process, noticed how many people from my year are now married. That depresses me, mainly because I feel it is somewhat of a sign that they didn't ever really leave my hometown. Which if they are happy, who am I to judge? It's just not the life I would every choose...

Shifting Sand

That's it. I'm moving to Mauritania.

I have other, non-funny thoughts running around my head right now. How can I not? I mean, I looked at going to Virginia Tech for grad school. Besides, everyone who has been to college, particularly college in a college town, remembers what it was like. Remembers feeling like the campus was its own little island. Things on the island might hurt you. You might get sick from drinking or date raped by another student. But nothing like this. The worst things that should happen to you in the classroom are boredom and doing badly on a test or essay.

This all has made me think about some things. 1. The press. For the love of all that is good, leave these poor students alone. I see them on the Today Show, and all of them that I've seen who were actually on campus have this dazed, shocked look about them. The various hosts try to get them to talk about their experiences, their dead friends, their feelings about returning to class and how they're going to recover from this. And I want to scream with frustration. I understand that everyone wants information and wants to understand what is going on and how this could happen. But these kids don't need this from us. They had a girl on today who was a freshman at Columbine when that happened, one of the people in the cafeteria who luckily managed to escape. (This poor, poor girl) And that is what she said. She said that everyone needs to be able to get together, to support each other, to work through what they are going through. Without the press. Without having people ask them for interviews, without having lots of questions asked. And the whole naming the one student as the "hero" of the whole thing. Listen, I think what he did was great. God only knows what I would do in the same situation. But first of all, he was acting to save his own life. Yes, he saved lots of other lives by doing so. And what does that say about all the other people? I mean, there were other people who acted calmly and figured out how to protect themselves and others. What about the guy who blocked the door with his foot, and then, later, ran around doing first aide on the people whom he could help? I'm sure there are others. And what does calling this one guy a hero mean for all the other people, the people who didn't act as quickly?

2. What a strange world the millenials have grown up in. I mentioned Columbine, now this, September 11. I wonder if any of us can really feel safe anywhere. Not that we all think something is going to happen all the time. But I know I personally am not surprised when it does. Shocked, yes, saddened, yes. But surprised? I feel as though I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. For someone to attack the metro, for a plane to crash with me on it. For the earth to flood or a hurricane to blow away California. There are places that I think should be safe. But when I hear proof that they aren't, a part of me just sighs. I think I'll be more surprised if I die without anything tragic happening to me, like of old age or something.

Ant and Grasshopper

I feel like everything in my life is up in the air right now. I'm okay with it... For a little while. The whole thing with SB has really forced me to realize that no matter what happens, I need to make sure that I have a life and support system outside of him here. Which I've known for a while, but it just has been easier to not put myself out there, not try to claw my way into groups. So I went out with CW and her friends on Saturday. One of whom I liked muchly and is going to send me information on her choir, which she says is made up of fun people in their 20's and 30's. I also may have had my first random guy drink-buying experience, as I think a Rastafarian may have bought me a mojito. Then yesterday, I drug myself out in the rain to a meet-up book club.

As for what it actually going on with SB, it's still all confused. We're together, but he's still thinking and everything is rather fragile. I bought a book that he's been assigned to read; he's started it, and thinks it's helping. Also helping is me being sickeningly sappy. It's not sickening to me, though I think it might be a bit much for him. Not that he doesn't love it, because he totally does, but because he doesn't trust that it's real. I'm also going to have to really work on some annoying, frustrating habits. I just hope that he realizes soon that a lot of what he's feeling is frustration and hurt, feelings that can be very much overcome. Or at least that's what I think he's feeling... My prediction, though, is that if we survive this, it won't be incredibly long until we get engaged. Not like weeks or anything, but months. I, of course, can't tell him that because it puts pressure on him. And the whole no pressure thing is KILLING me. Last week, I felt like it was going to start hurting me. But no. The real problem is that I can't keep my mouth shut. You real-life people know that. If I have an opinion, then I feel the great need to say it. I also hate treading water. I see the problems, I think I know what to do, I'm ready to plunge in. Chomping at the bit and whatnot. But that's not SB. That's not him at all. He's cautious and wary and slow-moving. I bounce around, quickly changing direction, and he plods on, working and trying to figure out the best way. So I have to step back, shut up, and let him know how I feel without pushing him to decide things. Yeah, I might need to go buy some ducktape or something to help...

Questions

I was reading online about the whole Imus thing. Looking through the comment on Al Roker's blog in particular made me feel a bit sad. You could tell which of the commenters were white or black for the most part, and I wish our country wasn't that polarized. And I can't say that I'm free from that. Several of the comments pointed out that racism against white people by black people is not commented on, and I agree with that. I'm not saying that white people have to deal with racism on a constant basis or at as high a level as many black people. I know that's not true. That, however, does not mean that a black person has the right to make derogatory comments based on my race either. I think our society feels that white people can't call black people on their racism because of our history. And I think that harms everyone. We should be able to have an open dialogue about race. I wish we could free ourselves from the fear and distaste of people who are different than ourselves.

Other comments also called Al a hypocrite for not talking about the black community's use of many offensive terms. That bothers me, too. Not that Al didn't mention it; I mean, after all, it's only one small blog and he was only dealing with one issue. But why is it okay for a public persona to call a woman a 'ho'? Why are we okay with allowing over half of the public to be derided and treated with disrespect on a regular basis? Why did making a public smear about someone's sexual activity get to be a commonly accepted insult? I'm not saying this is a new phenomenon, but shouldn't we at least try to change it? What does it say about our society, our culture? What impact does it have on the identities of women everywhere to hear other women constantly being defined by sex?

A Light and Faith

I think we are going to be okay. I know, that seems a 180 turn from yesterday, and it really is, but I think it's true. I mean, I felt horrible yesterday. It was just awful. I kept thinking about whether we're supposed to be together and trying to pray about it, but all I got was pain and confusion. I even thought about not going to the Maundy Thursday service, because I figured I'd have a hard time not crying through the whole thing. But I figured it was better to distract myself, so I went. And I did almost cry during the warm-up for the choir. But then the strangest thing happened. (Warning: God stuff ahead) We went into the sanctuary and all of a sudden, I was so full of peace and calm. I prayed, and got a strong answer (YES) and a bit of a reprimand. After the service, I skipped the rest of our rehearsal and went to see SB. We cuddled and talked and he feels better about things now. He still wants time to think things through, and I understand that.

Because, see, the reprimand was about how I've been acting. I've not been a very good girlfriend for a while. I don't feel entirely guilty about this; I was going through a lot of stuff, growing pains, having a shitty job, trying to balance myself. I had to focus on me for a while. It's been a long while, but... SB took the brunt of this. I was willing to admit my responsibility for our problems, but not willing to take any action to help. The whole weight of fixing everything fell on him. And that's not good. Or fair. He dealt with everything, my mood swings, my irrationality. It was really hard on him. But now I'm through that. I'm not saying that I'm all grown up now. But I am infinitely better than I was. And I'm strong enough again to stand up and be a partner in all of this. This has been a whole wake-up call that I need to put on my big girl panties and own up to my responsibility. He still has to think about things, because it's been a long time since I've been able to do that. He has to take a risk in trusting that I actually can. I think he will. The thought that he won't makes me nervous, but I have faith.

Update

Okay, he just emailed me and things are looking less bleak...

A Sad Haiku

My heart is breaking.
He needs to think about
Us. I'm dying inside.

SB told me last night that he thinks we should break up. And not for any reason that I can be mad at or hate him for. But because he thinks I deserve better and that we might be on different paths. I asked him to give us one more chance, that I should be the one to make that decision. He said that he needs to think about it over the weekend and we'll talk on Sunday. I didn't sleep last night, I'm constantly close to tears, and I'm trying to figure out what I can do and what I did wrong. And I'm cursing my naivety years ago when I thought having a broken heart couldn't possibly be worse than being constantly alone. I don't really want to talk about it any more right now, but if we do officially break up on Sunday, I can almost guarantee this blog will not be updated much for a while.

Living with (and without) Fear

SB and I watched Stranger Than Fiction last night. It was such a good movie. I can't quite state why I liked it so much, besides that it was funny and dealt with literature. It did encapsulate something I think most book lovers feel, which is that the characters in the books we read are real. Not that we think they are, but characters in a good book have to come alive for you. Otherwise, why do you keep reading?

The movie also made me feel like I should immediately quit my job and just do what I want to for a while. Travel, really. That's what I'd do. Go horseback riding in Greece, drink wine in a villa in Italy, participate in a tea ceremony in Japan, see the Pyramids and the Great Wall of China and Masada... Experience things beyond what I currently know, stretch my mind. After all, I'm going to be going into debt anyways... Why not start a few months early? I know deep down that I'm entirely too practical to do such a thing, but I think that is part of the appeal. It would be so scary for me, but being scared is a good thing. Stretches you and makes you stronger.

Which reminds me. I'm totally making "Stand" by Rascal Flatts my theme song for a while.

Online networking

I've decided that I'm not very good at the social networking site thing. I don't go on them that often, I don' t think they're that interesting, and I don't friend every person I vaguely recognize. I could, but then I think, "I haven't seen this person since 6th grade. Why do I want to go through the trouble of friending them?" Not that I turn them down if they friend me, though some of them I wonder about. I mean, if we weren't ever friends, then why are you friending me but to increase your numbers? Don't tell me that you actually care about what is going on in my life... Unless I'm judging because I don't really care about what's going on in their lives. Maybe I mean more to them than they do to me. But really. It's all about the numbers.

But then I go on and feel bad because I have fewer friends listed than others. I see people on my friends' friend list that I know and I wonder why they didn't friend me, and who friended whom. I know I read entirely too much into it all, and think entirely too much about it. I feel left out of a system that I don't really like that well. I mean, I get excited when I see people I'd been wondering about. I figure it's a good chance to catch up with them. (That happened today. She better friend me back. I want to know what's going on, and how life has been since she got married.) But if I was close to you, I hope that I have your real contact information and can email or call or at least im. It's not like you can really get your friendship back through myspace or facebook. Or maybe some people can. I, however, don't seem to be one of them. So, people, if you really want to get back in touch with me, you're going to have to email me. Otherwise, we'll just occasionally look at each other's pictures (except I don't post any) and move on in our own separate lives.

Food stuff

I was reading an article in Newsweek where a woman talked about losing weight by eating only 1200 calories and walking a mile a day. I don't understand these types of people. First of all, it's hard for me to be impressed by her walking a mile a day on a treadmill. I mean, really. A whole big mile? I know some people don't get out much, and I, living in a city and using public transit, am forced to walk more than most. But still.

Then there is the whole 1200 calories thing. How do people survive on that? I know it's near the bottom range of what the body typically needs. But think about it. One piece of pizza has about 300 calories at least. If you have three pieces of pizza and a soda? That's it. You're done eating for the day. Don't these people enjoy food at all? I mean, I understand the needing to lose weight and to be healthy and whatnot. But, still. There's being healthy and there's torturing yourself. How are they not hungry all the time? I mean, you can only eat so much lettuce...

Also, I am so freaking excited. I just found out that there's a Jimmie John's here. WHEE!!!

Death and Taxes

Well, you are getting this rare Sunday update courtesy of the coffee store near me with free wireless and my need to do taxes. Sadly, I didn't bring all the sheets I need to actually file my taxes, so the plan is to go home, get the sheets, and take them to work so I can spend the five minutes necessary to wrap up. Luckily, while I may owe the state taxes (I don't really understand this, as I have one less deduction than I should be able to take), I'm getting a decent amount back from the federal government.

In the life of Emily, something good finally happened. I think it's all due to my haiku dedicated to her. What can I say? My writing inspires good things in the lives of friends. More people should read my blog! You're (but not really you, because you obviously are reading this) missing out on a chance to improve your life by spending mere minutes a day reading this lovely website.

I am mad at my diet, mainly because I lost no weight this week and I did really well this week. I'm just claiming that I gained like 6 pounds of muscle, so I've really lost like 10 pounds (since as we alll know, muscle weighs more than fat and to stay the same while gaining six pounds of muscle, I'd have to lose more fat). I'm claiming this, although I know it's not entirely true, though my legs are getting crazy strong. I have to work on incentives, though. It's kind of a problem when I'm used to food as a reward, and am completely broke. I'm thinking of using my tax return for stuff, but really. What is reward enough to keep me motivated? I'm just not sure... If you have any ideas, let me know.

I'm also now last in my tournament pool. Sigh. Stupid Butler. They were freaking ahead by like 10 just a few minutes before the end of the half. And then they just pooped out. Oh well. At least, as my dad keeps pointing out, I have no money riding on it. And CW's boyfriend is no longer in first. I don't know why I don't want him to win, except that I don't like his bracket name. Oh well. UNC better win today, though, or I have absolutely no chance of not being last. Let's go, Tarheels!

A Haiku

In honor of friend
Emily, who is so cute,
I poked someone on the knee.

Not really, but I will next time I see SB. Other people won't get it.

It was lovely to chat with Emily the other night. It was interesting timing, because that very day, I'd again come to the sad realization that some of my friends from high school are putting a much greater effort to stay in touch with each other than they ever have with me. Some of that, I'm sure, is because I fled from Tennessee just as fast as possible when I graduated from high school. Not from them. I still stayed in touch, I was just six hours away. Otherwise, I mean, I can come up with other reasons. But I don't feel like it. I don't feel like feeling bad about it, either, and I'm not going to. But yes. So chatting with Emily was a nice pick-me-up.

In other news... well, I don't really have any. I had all these ideas over the week about stuff to blog about, but then I didn't have time at work, no internet at home, and now the ideas have all fled. I did learn that apparently Cassie has similar traits to her sister, Callie (neither of us knew the other cat's name when we named them). For example, they both get scared very easily and hiss or growl. SB is using this as a reason to make himself feel better, as Cassie hisses or growls at him frequently, and me rarely. :-) He thinks it's a sign that she doesn't like him. I think it's a sign that she doesn't trust him as much, because he thinks she likes things like being picked up and whirled. I wonder if the two cats remember each other?

Singing Alone on the Train

I was getting on the metro yesterday when something strange happened. For the most part, there is an accepted code of conduct on the metro. Locals sit there, trying not to catch anyone's eye, spacing out and avoiding human contact, unless they know someone on the train with them. In that case, chatting quietly is permissible. Teens frequently chat loudly, rather than quietly, but that's teens for you. Tourists try not to fall over, try to figure out what stop they're at/going to, and talk loudly to the people in their group. Ones who have been to DC try to show off their knowledge.

But yesterday, there was a guy who didn't do any of these things. Instead, he got on, singing along to his music. This was enough to catch my attention. Then he started air drumming and I started wondering if I should move to a less crazy section of the train, particularly as he beat out a fast rhythm on the metal bar. I didn't; instead, I put in my earphones and watched out of the corner of my eye. And by the time he got off, I was a little jealous. Not of air drumming. I have no desire to air drum. But his complete lack of caring. He could care less what we thought of him. He just was happy to be there, happy to be himself. And that has an appeal to me. Maybe in a few years, you'll find me riding around, doing whatever I feel like, singing along to my music.

Amazingly enough, a good week

For a few reasons. First and foremost... I GOT INTO ONE OF MY TOP CHOICES!!!! This is the first school I looked at, the first one I seriously considered. And now. I'm in. "Enthusiastically" in. AND I am being seriously considered for a scholarship, something I had mildly hoped for, but never thought would actually happen. (Not in general, just at this "known to be stingy" school.) I'm really excited. Now I'm just waiting on two more.

Then I got Sims 2 Weather expansion. Yes, I know. It's sad that a game can excite me that much, but it's so fun. They can grow gardens and go ice skating (where they fall on their asses) and play catch and get struck by lightening. It's just splendid.

AND I'm in a March Madness bracket thing with CW and I'm doing well. I have some cracked out picks, but for the most part. I'm tied for third currently. Though Butler has to keep doing well; otherwise, I'm screwed. Yes, it was risky, but it's a risk I'm willing to take. No guts, no glory, and all that.

It makes all the other craziness of this week (such as losing a room for a meeting, getting that room back, finding out that we had to send out a bunch of invites instead of other people...) not quite so bad. And SB is now 29, so I get to make fun of him that much more. :-)

Things that Suck

1. Technology. After having our entire server crash because Microsoft's patch for the early hour change SUCKS, not being able to even be at my computer for most of the afternoon, and having my gym mp3 player suddenly decide to stop reading half of its memory card, technology is not high on my list. Add to that the fact that whomever I was stealing internet from has moved, and now I can't get online at home...

2. Tourists. Yes, I know, everyone here hates tourists. But during the lovely winter months, I had forgotten how truly horrid they are. If any tourists shall read this, don't take it personally. And don't take the metro before 9am. Or at 5:30pm. You clog the system, don't have the requisite balance for any kind of manuevers, clog the aisles, don't have to be there then, and don't really know when or how to get off. You must understand, those of us who aren't tourists have been or are going to be working all day. We just want to get where we are going in peace. You not only make our commutes harder, you remind us that there are people who are currently not working, who are having fun. Please spare all of us the need to beat you with something.

3. Water. I actually like water; however, drinking it means I have to pee entirely too often.

4. Listening to phone conversations that hardly acknowledge you while trying to sleep with a horrendous headache. SB decided to call his best friend last night. And then talked forever. Which is fine, except my having said horrendous headache and only wanting to sleep. Throw in hormones, him not mentioning me on the call, the lack of outrageous compliments from his friend (who usually tells SB to tell me he loves me...), plus the sheer tone of "my life was so much fun before you were in it" and you get what SB got. A not-happy me who says snotty things, acts pathetic (I really didn't feel well...), and then forces you to leave so I can go to bed.

Thorny roses

Every morning, I get up and turn on the TV to watch the Today show while I dress and drink tea and such. Most mornings, I get cheesy stories and mildly informative discussions. Today, however, I got mad. Not at the show itself, but at a school, at society. They brought on three girls. These girls are in high school and performed at an open mic night. These girls used a word the school admin had asked them not to and have been suspended for one day. They haven't served this; the superintendent is reviewing the decision. The word these girls used? Vagina. That's right. Vagina. And not in any negative, derogatory, or dirty way. They just read a paragraph from The Vagina Monologues, and not one of the racy ones. One of the empowering ones. The school's reason for not wanting this word used? There might be young children in the audience, since it was open to anyone who wanted to come.

Are you kidding me?! First of all, there was another act that used "fuck" in their performance. Are they expelled? Nope. But girls who named a freaking body part are. Why is our country so afraid of these organs. Why should we worry if small children hear the medical terminology for their own damn body parts? One of my coworkers pointed out that he could understand the school's reasoning, as people are crazy. Which I get. Yes, parents are nuts. But first of all, The Vagina Monologues was written in part as a commentary about the fact that vagina has, for some reason, become a dirty word. What kind of message does that send women? Your body is dirty and gross and wrong? Yeah, because that's what I would want my daughter to think. I admire these girls for standing up for what they believed. Second of all, the parents who think these things are wrong are teaching their children the most that their bodies are dirty and that sex is evil. Shouldn't school try to at least educate these kids on the basic facts at least? Schools shouldn't be so afraid of complaining parents that they forget their purpose as institutions of education.

This also ties to an on-going argument in the world of children's librarians. Apparently, some librarians are upset because one of the Newbury winners has the word "scrotum" in it. Again, not in any sexual kind of way, but just factual. "The dog licked its scrotum," or something along those lines. And that, apparently, is reason enough for people to not read this book, for them to worry about "age appropriateness." Hello? People? Males have scrota. If the author had said "balls," would anyone be upset?

Both these events make me wonder about the power of words, and what the fear of certain words means. People have to be afraid of these words for a reason. Why do some of us feel that children need to be protected, not from derogatory or cruel words, but scientific, anatomical ones? Is it because using medical terms makes the objects seem more real? But why would that matter? Is it because these are sex body parts? Because, I hate to tell you, sex is necessary for the continuation of the species. These adorable little girls and boys are going to grow up, have sex with their "thingies and hoo-haws," and ensure that our species does not disappear into the night. Keeping children ignorant is not going to prevent this (luckily) and instead will lead to some rebellious and horribly ill-informed teens.

Busyness

It's been weird these past few weeks. I've actually been decently busy at work, enough so I don't get a chance to write or check blogs daily. I can't handle it!! Except I really kind of prefer it, even if I still hate my job. At least this way, the day goes by faster, even though today has been both busy and dragging, so that the remaining minute portion of the day seems as though it will take forever. But it shan't, and then I shall force my way through the winds and the cold and climb the ridiculously large hill and be home with my kitty. And I shall drink my new, "good for your liver" tea and watch tv and wait until SB comes over, hopefully with food. And then we shall watch the glory that is Gilmore Girls.

I did dream about Gilmore Girls last night. I believe I switched from being Lorelai to being a friend of Rori's who was staying with her in a foreign country where everyone spoke English and where I was living in a big house with them. They were all playing video games and I was forced to join them alone, because Rori was upstairs with Logan. There was also a whole part about Cassie being there and getting to go outside and absolutely loving it, which we all know wouldn't really happen because she's a big scaredy cat who frequently growls at people walking down the hall and gets antsy when she hears people upstairs. Needless to say, it was strange.

I also heard from my "ridiculously hard to get into and it will be a complete and utter miracle if I do" school today. As you clearly should have known from the lack of exclamation points and excitement, I didn't get it. Which is what I expected, so it's hard to be disappointed. Especially since I had to lie and say that I wanted a PhD, and I would have to move. Now we have one more "ridiculous" category, one I'll probably get into, but not get funded, and two toss-ups, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed. If I don't get into the last two, I'll be sad. Though at least I do have my back-up school, even if they are poor and can't offer funding for at least the first semester....

Screaming at the top of my range

Well, I was going to write a wrathful and entertaining post about differences in generations, stirred up mostly because of comments from a coworker, but alas. The first half of today I was lethargic and the second half I was busy. Crazy busy. I feel like I've been running around like mad. And I just have the feeling that I'm forgetting something...

My choir director has now thoroughly freaked me out. Primarily because she asked me to sing a descant on our big Palm Sunday piece. For those of you who don't know, a descant is sung by a small group who sings a higher part than the rest of the choir. This part interweaves and accents the other parts. It's more of an icing-on-the-cake part. I've sung descants before without any problem. The problem with this descant is that it is insanely high. As in a C-flat. Again, for none music people, a C-flat is crazy high. Like Mariah Carey high. I'm a mezzo-soprano; I don't do crazy high. However, in the interest of being a good choir member, I told my director that I would try. Emphasis on try. Another interesting aspect to the whole thing is that trying involves vocalization exersizes to strengthen your throat. If I scream as high as I can in my apartment, someone is going to think I'm being murdered. Plus, my poor cat will be traumatized (she's a pansy anyways). And I won't really know how high I'm singing, since I don't have a piano. I did download the piece and I know the high note in "Think of Me" from Phantom of the Opera is a B-flat, so I'll have a general idea of when I'm getting close. The whole thing could wind up being very interesting. AND I think she's going to start making me sing first more. I don't WANT to sing first soprano. I LIKE being a second. It's more fun and challenging and I don't actually like singing high. Sigh. That's what I get for doing a solo this summer. Otherwise, she'd never have known that I can sing...

Idiocy, et al.

I've decided on my new career path. I'm going to be a professional class-taker. Or a graphics design person, except that our graphics design person was talking yesterday about all the desperate resumes they get from starving artists, even though the firm is two people big and has no intention of hiring anyone. I'd rather not be a starving artist. I like my food. :-) Mmm... I had Luna Grill's salmon last night. That salmon is amazing. Though, actually, last night it wasn't quite up to its usual foodgasm status. It was still very good, but not crazy good. I think they didn't give me enough lemon butter caper sauce. Anyways, all this comes from taking a suprisingly entertaining and educational design class on Monday. Twas much fun.

I did find out on Monday that I got into my back-up school. Yay for back-up school goodness!! Now, at least, I'll have SOMEWHERE to go. I remember saying a few months ago that I wasn't worried about getting in places, just getting funded. It's a lot easier to say that when you aren't staring the possibility of not getting in anywhere in the face. Which apparently happened to both of my parents. I mean, they only applied to one school each, but my dad didn't get into med school first go around. Who knew? Certainly not me... Apparently, a year later he got in and kicked everyone else's asses, gradewise. My mom said not getting in, which she blames on her lack of academic commitment in undergrad, is her one regret. Which is not too shabby, seeing as how not having a masters in music didn't seem to slow her down any. She was passionate about practicing in undergrad, though. Apparently, at her senior recital, the graduate professors were asking who she was. My mom's teacher told them, "The girl you turned down for grad school!" I feel there is an implied "dumbasses" at the end of that statement.

SB finally returned from Florida, after what can only be called the returning from Florida hell trip. United has no support from me and I shall try to avoid flying them at all costs from now on. It is one thing to cancel or delay flights for real weather reasons. It is another entirely to be incompetent, lie to your passengers, offer no real customer service, and then blame all that on weather that is happening miles away from the flight route. SB was supposed to get home Saturday at 10:30pm. He got home Monday at 1:10am, and that was only because I found him a cheap ticket on another airline. UNITED had him coming home Wednesday morning. Morons. Anyways, his attitude upon return this time was much more acceptable this time than last time. We shall almost declare him forgiven. He may be completely forgiven upon viewing of my presents.

Holding out hope

I checked on the internets today, and there may be hope for Studio 60!! This excites me, as I have fallen madly in love with this shows and its characters. It's just so good. And they always cancel good shows before they've really had time to get popular. And yes, I know it has been taken off the air. This, according to my sources, though is temporary. They did the same thing with 30 Rock, and both shows should be back some time in April.

I also have fallen in love with the band Girlyman. I saw them with Dar Williams a couple of years ago, and liked them enough to buy the cd. I bought it, but never really listened to it. And then, a week or so ago, I started listening to it and now I'm entirely obsessed. They just have such great harmonies and interplay and... it's just so good! I'm considering going to see them in Vienna (Va, sadly, not Austria). They're having a cd release party. The only problem is that it is right around SB's birthday, and I'm not sure I want to force activities on him on his birthday weekend.

I did just post about Smores on another blog. This was probably a mistake, as it has led to me craving (what else?) smores. I'm not allowed smores... Sigh.

Home Again

Sigh. I'm back at work again and already wishing to be gone. Gone for good! That would be lovely...

So my trip home was nice. I will, in a short few weeks, be the proud owner of perfectly fitting pants and jackets. As long as I don't lose or gain any weight or muscle... I got home and was promptly bitten by my former kitten, who now thoroughly is my mom's. He bit me hard enough to draw blood, nicely on my face so I went around all weekend looking as though I had food on my mouth. Then when I got back to DC, Cassie attacked me, too. Well not as quickly. But she really went after my arm this morning.

The bigger news today is that Lent has started. It's going to be rough. I always hate these first few weeks. I'm giving up dessert, soda, and all non-wine alcohol. I may just cry, as I love dessert and hot chocolate with Baileys. But that's the point. It's a sacrifice. And it'll help make me healthier, so I can't whine too much.

SB is still in Florida. His family goes down to visit his grandparents who winter down there and to see the Daytona. I am SO glad I'm not there, though one of my favorite of his relatives is down there, too. But all they do is eat and shop. And eat some more. And then hang out in the trailer park. Which is fine for them. It makes them happy, whatever. But I want to do more on my vacations. Not that I did much more at home, but going home is a different sort of vacation. My mom did support my need to have dessert before the beginning of Lent, to the extent that the only thing she cooked for dinner on Saturday and Sunday was an apple pie. A frozen apple pie. It was delicious. I also finally saw Wordplay, a highly entertaining documentary about crossword puzzles. I may or may not now be addicted to crossword puzzles, though not to the extent that I would want to compete. And it'd be nice if SOME of the people didn't exactly fit the stereotype.

I also finally saw The Devil Wears Prada. My mom asked me if it made me feel better about my job. I said no, primarily because moments before she had asked me that, I'd been thinking that I'd rather have her job than mine. At least she was going places and meeting people. And her boss had her crazy expectations set out. Here, they just lie in wait and then mug you when you least expect it.

I Hate Them with the Passionate Fires of a Thousand Burning Suns *

This week has been thoroughly shit-tastic. Well, except for Wednesday. Wednesday was a day of glorious calm in the midst of the storm. The eye in the hurricane, if you will.

And what has made this week so horrendous? Primarily working for hypocritical morons who could care less about their employees. Which might make sense if I worked for a large corporation, such as Walmart. But I don't. And it makes me want to scream and jump up and down and perhaps shove them. All not wise, but what I would like to do. Or go on a mad rampage using big words just to prove that I am smarter than they are.

Also, Metro may force me to murder someone. Not anyone in particular, but if anything is going to make me hate someone that much, it will be being shoved into other people's armpits, pushed until I can hardly breathe as if standing outside the train and pushing will make everyone inside a little skinnier and thus enough room for one more person, unable to get out because some people refuse to step outside so others can get out, and late for everything always. I mean, really Metro. We've known for a good long time that there was going to be winter weather this week. And it snows a tenth of an inch in the morning and a whole segment of the blue line goes out? Are you kidding me?? And right when the Federal Government closes, a train breaks down? Weather is only an excuse when it's really bad and unexpected.

Plus, while SB is/was back (he has now left again for Florida to watch people drive really fast in a circle), he also could not manage to stay awake at all. Jet-lag only goes so far as an excuse, so therefore I was not particularly happy with him. He knows this and had better be better when he gets back next weekend. Though Wednesday dinner was lovely and fun and could almost redeem him, except he has decided that I love Bath and Body Works stuff and that therefore means he can get me stuff from there for every present ever. I believe I have squashed this idea now, but still. I like Bath and Body Works, but it's got to be like the most generic present ever and I don't understand why guys don't get that. I'm pushing for diamonds (no, not THAT kind of diamond. A necklace or something.) for my birthday.

Luckily I'm going home where I shall let my parents pamper me. And not worry about the fact that my healthy eating habits have somewhat fallen by the roadside this week, because next Wednesday is Ash Wednesday, and the beginning of Lent, which means no sweets or non-wine alcohol or soda.

*I'm trying not to hate them. I really am. I know that hatred only hurts me. But they're just SO DAMN OBNOXIOUS... [deep breaths, deep breaths]

Call me "Your Majesty"

I went this weekend with some friends to see The Queen. It was good, definitely made me like the British more, definitely made me like the Queen more... I think we could even be friends. After all, I like the subtle British wit, I like walking, I like well-behaved dogs... We'd be set. I was suprised by how nice they were to Charles. His, shall we call it, strangeness still came out, but they didn't emphasis it at all.

The thing that struck me as unusual, though, and made me think was not anything directly from the movie in that it was reality and I remember thinking this at the time Diana died. There was so much outpouring of emotion. Genuine emotion, from people who had no real connection to her. And it wasn't just the British who were captivated by her. It seemed as though everyone was, and then everyone was devestated when she died. One of the people interviewed in the movie (I believe the clip came from news reels at the time) said she just kept hoping that it was all a dream, that she'd wake up and Diana would still be alive. And her death was a shock. But how does one person come to mean so much to so many people? I can't imagine anyone right now, any celebrity, any politician, any do-gooder whose death would have as much of an impact as Diana's did. I can imagine being saddened by a public figure's death, but my life most likely wouldn't be changed. I wouldn't feel heart-rending emotion, I wouldn't spend hours traveling to lay flowers down on a gate. If someone I knew and loved died, I would have that kind of emotion and experience. But for someone I had never met? What did Diana come to represent that meant so much to so many people? The epic underdog? The "real-life Cinderella?" I just don't get it...