A Day for Corduroy and Dreams?

Let's face it, I'm mainly blogging today because of teh date. It's not the first time; I've been journaling on cool dates for YEARS. Who cares if I have nothing to say! What I was doing on 11/11/11 must be known! Though the whole corduroy thing is a bit ridiculous. "It looks like corduroy, so we're going to declare a day after it." What other fabric gets a day? Well, I know Congress has seersucker day, but that's just because of the freaking heat and humidity here. I want a plaid silk day. I have the perfect skirt, even.

I've become obsessed with Once Upon a Time. I mean, obviously a part of it appeals to my romantic nature, plus the natural desire to hate people. A part of it is figuring out what is going to happen. A part of it is... well, let's just say that I get the feeling of a happily ever after thwarted. And I am NOT implying that X was Charming. I didn't think that when we were dating. But I sometimes feel like everything is just out of reach. If only I were in teh right spot, joined the right group. But beyond that, I *want* to believe. Even if not for me. I'm obsessed with the thought of magic and fairy tales. And a place where things are black and white. I know they aren't. Not in real life. But wouldn't it be nice if bad were obviously evil, and good always won? Plus it's just a damn good show. And it's hard to beat horseback riding and sword fights. Man, I miss horseback riding...

The End of Things

This weekend... was exhausting. On the one hand, it was great. My parents flew up my grandparents and rented a house on the Eastern Shore for my immediate family, and my grandparents. Which was lovely. I love the Eastern Shore. It was so lovely, great weather. I finally won over my niece. Not as much as my dad, but still. It's nice to get smiles as opposed to funny faces and crying.

But on the other hand. Well, first of all, my room was creepy as hell. It was up this crazy staircase, and the first night I hardly slept. There was an antique mirror. It freaked me out. The house creaked and no one was on the same level and the house was built in 1790. I'm just saying. If there were going to be a haunted room, it was this one. By the time we left, I was fine with sleeping up there, but the stairs still made me nervous.

But the saddest thing was realizing that my grandparents are aging. I'm not sure how much longer they are going to be around, especially my grandpa. My grandpa has Parkinsons, and last I saw him, he was doing okay. Better. He's always been a great storyteller, and every once in a while you see a glimpse of that. but... now. You still see glimpses, but he's having a hard time. I think help and maybe a dog would be good.

But I sat there, and I watched him and my grandmas with my niece and nephew, which was oh-so-sweet. And on the one hand, I'm so glad they got that. On the other, I can't help but wonder if I ever get married, if they will even meet my so, much less my kids (again, if I have them). I love my grandparents, and having someone be such a part of my life who doesn't know them... it just makes me a bit sad.

After

Some of my friends posted about their experiences being in New York on 9/11. I know many DC friends have similar memories. It almost feels strange to not have that experience. Despite living in DC for seven years, I can't imagine what I'd do, how I'd react. I can't picture the city shut down, people walking home. The smells, the sounds, the terror of not knowing what happened to people you know and care about. Seeing the gaping holes. People in NY mentioned being afraid of planes, always plotting their trajectory. I can't imagine those in DC. DCA is right outside the city and desperately close to the Pentagon; planes are constantly on the last approach over that area. How unnerving that must have been.

My story is no where near as dramatic. I was a sophomore in college, in the shower getting ready for class when the first plane hit. My mom called nearly immediately, "just to be sure, even though I know nothing happened to you." I had no idea. I hung up with her (they were stuck in Denver trying to get home for several days), and turned on the tv. I sat there, hugging a teddy bear, watching what was happening, seeing the second plane hit and then the towers collapsing. Being shocked and terrified and horrified. And then getting up and going to class, because I didn't know what else to do. We were supposed to have a review for an exam, and that's exactly what we did. Our professor wanted to keep things as normal as possible for us.

There was a strange atmosphere over the whole campus. No one knew how to cope; should things go on as normal, should we take time to grieve? My dorm had a kind of fluff "getting to know the dorm" class; in that one, we colored, which seemed strangely appropriate. I had a paper due the next day on Machiavelli and *The Prince*'s impact on politics. I wrote it that night, trying to ignore what had happened (I got a C+, one of two in my whole college career. The other was my first paper at Oxford, from my tutor who wanted me to be writing at a grad school level, and graded at that level). There were probably 30 vigils. I went to two or three, singing and holding hands with people I'd never seen before, and didn't see after. I lay in bed at night, feeling unsafe, thinking how easily we could be attacked. I remember CSF's banquet the next year, and the sister (a CSF alum) of Todd Beamer came and spoke about her brother.

After, several country singers wrote songs about it. Some are angry, like "Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue" by Toby Keith, but my favorite is "Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning?" It makes me tear up almost every time I hear it. Things changed for America that day, but I look at how people banded together, and *that* seems like a good thing.

I have other friends who have mentioned that they don't want to look back, they want to look forward. That all the media attention is too much, that the best way to pay tribute is by living. And I get that; every other year, I've done my best to ignore the anniversary. And today, I'm not watching the news, I'm not going to any vigil. I went to the local coffee shop, I went to the farmers market. Life continues.

But I'm a sucker for anniversaries anyways, and this was something that had a profound impact on not only me, but everyone I know.

The Seinfeld of Blogposts

Welcome back to my blog. I know you have missed it dearly. It changed appearances a bit while you were gone; I'm going to change the background pic to one I took in Wales, but I'd have to bend over to plug in my media drive and it's too hot. Also, I'm feeling random, so I am declaring this to be the post of random snippets I thought about blogging on but didn't.

I love Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day. I don't know why. I find it so soothing. It's like the perfect combination of romance and calm and Britishness. It's like Chicago, but without all the killing.

I was going to go into drama here. Then I was going to go into some stuff about my own two-year-old drama (It's a toddler!) that I recently found out and was hurt by. But really. It's exhausting and I'm tired and really who the hell cares. Especially after three days of nothing but talk about it.

So lately. I started a new job. I am overly paranoid about everything involved, mainly because of my old job. Bought too much yarn. Went to my friend's wedding. She had a plan that nearly worked, but I am giving up hope on it now.

Every once in a while, I get emails from OKCupid with the title, "someone chose you!" I find them insulting. It's like they're surprised. "NO, we can't believe it EITHER." You know what, OKCupid? Screw you.

I was also going to blog about a piece on NPR on size issues (It was really good). I was then going to tie it into an article on Rosario Dawson and how she was deeply disturbed by getting comments about how good she looked when she was losing weight so she could play Mimi, a crack addict dying of AIDS, in Rent.

Or I could blog about the sad state of the world right now. (Seriously. SO glad I'm not planning on retiring. You know, ever. Alternate plan, marry rich.) It's not like I can even pretend like it's not happening, what with being surrounded by it at work. We occasionally meet to just shake our heads in shock.

A Mourning.

Between watching the episode where Angel breaks up with Buffy and the time of year, I'm feeling a bit maudlin. See, while the X and I didn't break up until August, we had a close call before. I now think of this as the beginning of the end. It was the Wednesday before Maundy Thursday, and X tried to break up with me. While this time, he didn't tell me that he couldn't see a future with me, he did go through the motions. And I went along, for 24 hours. That day was one of the worst of my life. I don't know that I have ever hurt so much. I walked to work and thought of throwing myself in front of buses. Then I went to church that night. I walked in and felt... calm. Peaceful. Like I was supposed to be with X, and that it would all work out. So after the service, I called and went over to his place and fought to stay with him.

I wonder if he expected the same thing when we actually broke up, that I would fight. But see, after the Maundy Thursday event, I spent so much energy. I worked HARD to keep us together, fought with everything I had. Whereas he... He did nothing. he shut me out, pushed me away. I think he wanted me to fight for him, but wasn't willing to put forth any effort of his own. I'm not saying I was the perfect girlfriend; I have my own baggage, I have my own childish needs that I try to push forward. I hadn't treated him well before the first close-call. I took out the fact that I hated my job on him for a while. But after? After I did everything I could think of, only to be continually shut down.

So this Good Friday I mourn. Not for our relationship; I'm over that. If I never see him again, I'll be happy. But I mourn for all the torment I put myself through. I mourn the scars that I might have avoided if I'd just let him go then. I mourn the issues that he made worse, the extreme self-doubt that I have. And I blame him.

Family et al.

I was looking at some drafts of blog posts, and one was written the day before my niece and nephew were born. BIG SIGH. Which, of course, was after the last time I wrote. So for those of you not on Facebook (and let me tell you, you're missing out. I'm hilarious over there.), I became an aunt in mid-October. I love being an aunt. I love being a local aunt even more, though I have got to time my visits more so I'm not there at dinner. The babies are adorable, and I heart them muchly. I can't wait to see what they become. Right now, my niece smiles every time you catch her eye, which is so freaking cute. That is, of course, when she's not screaming. My nephew sits there and makes funny faces at everyone. I swear, he's got the whole doomed chipmunk look down pat.

Anyways, I have been driven back to blogging by my friend Mandy, who blogs here nearly daily and makes me feel ashamed of myself and my total lack of blogging. She writes heart-wrenching, bared-soul truths. I wish I had that courage; I don't.

Though in all honesty, I have never known the trauma she's had to go through. The more people I know, the more of an anomaly I realize my family is. Loving and supportive and nice. Not perfect. Not perfect at all. But I see some of my friends and how their parents and other family members tear them down or wear them down, and I think of my own family, my own parents who unfailingly support me? And I know that's a support that many of my friends lack.

Not that I haven't needed that support lately. It's ridiculous how little able I am to cope with stress, but I can't. And there have been a couple of things in my life that I am not cool with. I'm working on changing them, but it's hard. And once I've hit a point where I know a situation is not healthy, I have a really hard time dealing with it until I can easily leave.

Frustration, or Why I Hate People

I've been really frustrated lately, somewhat unfairly at people. I'm under stress at work, my roommate is never ever going to move out, leaving me with the options of allowing Stephie to do something horrible, to sell her and her unborn baby into white slavery, or (what I'm actually doing) keeping my mouth shut and trying to deal until she moves out in January. I know, I know. I said she wasn't ever moving out, but she was supposed to be out at the beginning of this month. Then it was November. Now it's January. And she's passive-aggressive about everything, refuses to acknowledge that this is any kind of inconvenience, and hasn't bought toilet paper since January. She's also using my salt. I realize these may be small and petty things, but they add up to me not liking her (along with some other stuff), and living with people I don't like, even if they are only in town a few days a week, stresses me the hell out.

But she's not the only one I'm frustrated at. I see so many people who say "I want x," but they act like they want y. And this drives me a little insane. It's mainly in relationship stuff, and it's not that I want to be in a relationship with these people, it's the incongruity. The attitude of, "If I can't find the right one, well, I might as well date/hook-up with whomever." It's not that I can't understand that thought. It's one that has crossed my mind. But it is fundamentally not who I am, and one that just seems wrong. If you want to be in a real relationship, why waste time with other people? Why hang out with someone just because you want to have someone to hang out with? Why risk the possibility of meeting someone special, but not noticing because you were too busy trying to hook up with someone else? The whole thing makes me sad, in part because I can see so clearly what I want. And it's not to date, it's not to hang out, it's not to find someone I can stand. I am so ready, and these other people are driving me nuts.

Besides that, I keep seeing people act like 14-year-olds. Is it me? Am I expecting too much of people? I'm not going to say I act like I should; I see lots of areas for improvement. I will avoid things. I will be horrible at communication. But if you are my friend and you need me, I will be there. If I invite you out to celebrate something, we shall celebrate. Your happiness may make me feel a twinge of longing for what I don't have, but I will wholeheartedly be happy for you, and I will damn well keep that twinge to myself. If friends come to visit, visiting shall be had. They shall be the theme and centerpiece of the visit.

All this is not to suggest that there are not people in my life who don't act like that. I have some truly lovely friends, people who help me and are there for me and who I hope know that I would do anything for. These are the people who help to show me what I want to be, and give me hope that maybe I can be better.

The rest of you? Well. Be glad that I am non-confrontational.

Socially Awkward

Every once in a while, I have moments that make me feel 14 again. And not in the good way. In the "omg, wtf did I do THAT?" way. The way that makes you feel thisbig. And it always happens when I'm tired and stressed and feeling vulnerable. Which means I'm very sensitive. Which means I do something that makes me feel even more tired and stressed and vulnerable. And then I feel like a moron. Which I REALLY hate.

Not that most people like feeling like morons. but my own particular aversion to being wrong is well-known. I've always been like that, or at least for as long as I can remember. I would do ANYTHING to avoid feeling like that. Especially when there is nothing I can do. I have screwed up at work. And there is a sinking feeling you get when you realize that you made a mistake. But that stresses me out in one way. Social awkwardness stresses me out immensely more, mainly because there is no fix. There is only continuing through the awkwardness...

In other news, I was interviewed about my blog. I feel so special! I mean, not as special as when I was in the Express. But you, you DOZENS of readers. Have led me to this.

STFU with the singing on the metro

This apparently is "refer to old posts" week. Every once in a while, I'm hit by the fact that things have changed since I've moved here. I know, that seems obvious. A very "no shit, Sherlock" moment. Sometimes I'm impressed by how I've grown. Sometimes, I'm a little sad that things have changed.

For example, YEARS ago (the fact that I can say that makes me feel old), I wrote a post about a guy singing on the train. I thought it was awesome. How unreserved, unpretentious. Just a guy riding along, doing what he wanted. An attitude I still like. But lately? I've seen a few girls, singing along on the train. And it ANNOYS THE CRAP OUT OF ME. Listen, I have my OWN ipod. I am quite happy in my own little world. You singing a few lines off-pitch shakes me out of my own world. That makes me unhappy. Why do you think I want to be shaken out of my world? I DO NOT. LEAVE ME ALONE.

I've noticed that I'm getting crankier with tourists and people in general. Starting to understand one of my former coworkers who rode his bike to work primarily because he couldn't stand the people on the metro. Only days he didn't were when the trails were too icy. While I haven't reached that level YET (though metro? you are so on my list. Raising prices when service SUCKS? NOT COOL), I'm not that far from it.

Though I say all this and then the other day? I saw a guy doing tai chi on the metro. And I didn't get annoyed. I thought it was freaking awesome. Kind of gave me chills...

Bad Finishers!

Every once in a while, I get a crazy person commenting on my blog. For the most part, I actually kind of enjoy it, mainly because they are so out of left field and contain misspellings and grammatical errors. Because, really? If you are going to call me a moron but can't even use the correct form of "you're," I'm not going to take the critique too seriously, and in fact will mock you to my friends. Because I am THAT kind of girl.

So it is now that time of year when a young girl's heart turns to football/soccer (for some reason, my 10 weeks in England converted me to calling it football. Pretentious, yes. I accept it). I say that, but let's face facts. I watch the games when it's convenient or involved with a social activity. Last World Cup, my then-coworker and I watched a couple of games in the local pub, which led to the infamous blog entry on what not to tell your boyfriend. This time, I spent the USA/England game in a bar that was approximately a billion degrees, yelling obscenities and reveling in the fact that Lampard again could not finish. I was rather upset since I'd just gotten my hair done, and the temperature in teh bar immediately made my hair frizz up so I went from having smooth, hot wavy hair to having a bizarre Bozofro. It was not attractive, I'm not going to lie. And I still haven't decided if I like the cut or not. I then was forced to drink to forget the crazy hair (Note to self: Just because you CAN shoot whiskey does not mean you SHOULD). I also ran into a girl I knew through X, which was rather surreal. Can't quite decide how I feel about it. I like her, I always thought she and her roommate were lots of fun. But seeing her dredges up feelings ONCE AGAIN that I thought I was over with.

Saturday was also the beginning of knit in public day. I know, you're saying "It's a day. It should just LAST a day." I agree, and unless I wasn't paying attention, it was last year. But instead, somehow KIPD has turned into a week. So tomorrow I'm celebrating by knitting on a brand new scarf (path of flowers). Luckily I haven't gotten far into it (and by not far, I mean I'm ALMOST done casting on), so I should be able to knit and make small talk. Which is good because my other project (I'm also mid-casting on) is easier, but I broke the needles and am waiting on my replacement from KnitPicks. I'm gradually getting more and more yarn and one day, I'll be on "Hoarders" sobbing as they try to get me to give up my Wollmeise.

Writer for Hire

I love my neighborhood. I mean, like really love it. Every day, I walk by a crazy kangaroo statue, a bunch of purple houses, various hippies. But one of my favorite things I walk by is a simple sign. but here's the thing. The sign is an office sign, hanging out like an advertisement. Not that unusual, but this one? Is for a writer. That's right, the sign says, "Someone's Name, Writer." And every time I see this sign, it makes me wonder. (Well, not every time. Sometimes I'm thinking about breakfast or coffee or that I'm going to be late or that I like my shoes or wondering about why soft cheese is soft.) But a good portion of the time, I look at it and think, "Why does a writer need a sign?" Are there people out there going, "I need a writer... LOOK. A sign! I'll hire him!" What kind of writer is he? Is he a technical writer, fiction, non-fiction, political biographer? It is so confusing. I feel like I should go talk to this guy and ask him these questions. But then I wouldn't have anything to think about when I walk by (except for the previously mentioned meanderings of my mind).

And it's nice to have these distractions, as some things have happened lately that have made me once again very angry at X. I mean, furious. I did see him a couple of weeks ago. We ignored each other (he even ducked. I mean, HE DUCKED. Dumbass. Did he really think that I wasn't going to recognize him). I did and do judge him harshly for the ducking, but given my resurgence of righteous anger, perhaps he was wise. I wouldn't mind beating the shit out of him, and then siccing Stephie on him. He should and hopefully does know that he deserves it. The only good thing is that I didn't expect anything more from him, and I don't have to be disappointed by his behavior.

Inane Friendship ramblings

I've had like a billion things to post. First adult trip to the ER, FTW! I sliced my finger open, drove myself, got four stitches, later took out my own stitches (not my number one choice, but had to be done). I felt very independent. Like, look. I could have support and a boyfriend or something to help by at least driving me to the ER (probably the one supportive thing X would have done. Boy could not deal with difficult things AT ALL. Apparently still can't, after the whole October debacle). But I didn't need that. I stayed calm, I did try to call cabs (note to self: get local cab numbers to put on fridge), I didn't do anything dumb, I remembered to take the cookies out that I was baking so I didn't burn the whole place down.

Basically right now I'm happy being single, but not satisfied, if that makes sense. I have some lovely friends, some of whom I mainly interact with online but whom I still love. I do kind of wish I lived out in Loudoun. because I swear, some of those girls are my soulmates. I'd like ot have a local best friend, but you know? Having some good local friends and some good long-distance friends is working okay.

It is kind of funny to realize that I had better taste in friends as a kid then I do now. I mean, I have met some amazing people as an adult. But I've also met some people that I trusted wrongly. Some people I thought liked me for me. And then I've been wrong, and then I get hurt. And then I tell my high school friends about the whole thing, and they are still amazing. They still reassure me about who I am, and that I am a good and likeable and loveable person. I love that about my old friends. I love that about some of my new friends, too.

As a side note, tourists? I HATE YOU. I might not actually whack you with a bag or anything, but do not doubt that I am thinking about it. Guy whose bag kept hitting me today? I'm looking at you especially hard.

RAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!

RAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Originally uploaded by mewmewbecky

This lovely drawing was done by my friend/doppelganger Becky. Sadly, there was no drinking (at least on my part) when we came up with the idea for Ursa Imgonnaeatyou (real name has not been decided, though Bear Gunn has been discussed). picture this, if you will. A seal doing the skeleton race, followed by a land shark, followed by this bear.

yes, we may have lost our minds. I'm okay with that.

Pardon me, have you seen my sanity?

I have lost my freaking mind. Cabin fever? people asked, and I scoffed. I LIKE being inside. I have books and knitting and spinning. I'll be FINE. Ah, the words of the braggart. The naive young girl that I was a week ago. When my biggest worry was getting snowed in with my roommate and her husband for three days. (I wasn't.) I thought this will be fun. I like snow. It's pretty.

And I am going insane. I hate my apartment, my cat is driving me nuts (except for when she's being adorable), I can't do anything fun because I'm supposed to be working. I can feel my muscles losing strength. Pretty soon, I won't be ABLE to leave my apartment. Outside will become a rumor, something covered by glass and kept away as far as possible.

Crazy, you say? Given that I started with me losing my mind, I wouldn't disagree. After all, it is only snow. Snow that must eventually melt. The metro will run, I will go into work and the city. I will see other people, make small talk.

But I have spent twenty minutes chatting with friends and saying only "sweatpants." They had a perfectly lovely conversation about differing standards of formality. I said sweatpants. All I can say is, "DON'T JUDGE ME!" It's the white stuff... I SWEAR.

A New Obsession

I HAVE DISCOVERED A NEW BLOG.

Yes I realize that it makes more sense to write about Snopocoplyse II (or SnoWTF or SnOMG), as I like to call it. but really. It snowed. Lots. It's still snowing. I'm inside with power. My car is literally buried under the snow, meaning I shall not be able to dig it out for days. Luckily I commute using public transit which is also buried, but which I don't have to dig out. The end.

While I have been stuck inside, though, watching my neighbors molest the poor tree outside my window (seriously. They were sitting on it. Poor tree is going to be traumatized. I wanted to take a picture, but then I'd be the crazy girl taking pictures of them through the window. Which I'd be more okay with if I weren't still in pajamas with gross hair.), I've been reading Hyperbole and a Half. My friend Stephie mentioned it last night in order to distract me from the fact that I still don't have the yarn she promised to send me like a whole TWO DAYS AGO. (Kitten, I still heart you. In fact, you might be one of my favorite imaginary people I only know on the internet.)

But yes. So I've been reading through the archives, and Allie is awesome. I've been laughing ridiculous amounts reading it, and I never actually laugh out loud when I'm reading something funny. Last night, I started to do that thing where you're laughing at stuff, and then you keep reading and you're not even reading anything that funny anymore, but you still keep laughing and you're trying to stop and you make that awkward "I can't stop laughing" noise that's something between a laugh and a donkey bray. I mean, no one is here so no one could hear me, but still. It's the principle of the thing.

So basically the point of this post is to tell you to go read her. But only while you're alone in the house or around people who won't judge.

We're Melting!

I thought briefly about writing something about the State of the Union. After all, I actually watched it (something I don’t always do, since I then read about it for DAYS and get all the main points), and I live in DC, where you can even attend SotU parties and participate in drinking games (neither of which I did).

But then I read in the Post this morning that a scant majority of Americans believe in global warming. Apparently, the “it still gets cold, and hey, look at the snow” argument has convinced a sizable number of people that it’s all a conspiracy. Seriously? SERIOUSLY??? Please explain this to me. Scientists, people who are paid to study these types of things, point out that things are warmer. They can explain why there is more snow in some areas, and why others are colder. They can point out rising sea levels. And yet Joe Schmo thinks, “Florida froze this year, it must all be wrong”?

And usually I wouldn’t care. Well, I’d care enough to rant about it, and then move on. But this scares me. Because I firmly believe that if we don’t do something soon, it could be too late. And I know that the massive changes probably won’t happen until I’m dead, but that they will happen in the next generation’s lifetimes. And that’s not acceptable.

I do recognize the difficulty in ecological changes. The mountaintop mining in West Virginia is a perfect example. Blowing up the tops of mountains to get at coal seems like an obvious “this has to be bad for the environment” example. Yet there are lots of people protesting the EPA’s rulings not allowing all of these mines, and while I agree that the mines should be stopped, it’s easy to understand why people are against that, since many of these people’s livelihoods depend on that mining. It’s hard to be gung-ho about saving the environment when it means that you’re not sure if you’ll be able to pay your mortgage or feed your family.

That said, it would be shortsighted to be so afraid of negative economic impact that we don’t do anything. (Which, actually, brings me back to the State of the Union.) Jobs are important, and I feel for these people. I would love to see some training programs, not necessarily funded by the government but by corporations (Ford, I think, was doing training programs to help workers they laid off), to help these people find other work. But it seems crazy to stay, “it’s better to destroy the planet, affecting billions, than to make laws and regulations that might affect the economy.

All's Fair in Love and Politics

I was going to blog about religion and religious discussions (which I adore and can hardly stand to not participate in). It was going to be witty and erudite and full of amusing anecdotes about duct tape and a brief belief in reincarnation. Aren’t you sad you missed it?

But reading the Post this morning made me want to write about something else. I mean, religion is fascinating and religious beliefs are at the core of so many people’s personalities, but religion is always there.

So instead, I want to tell politicians and political groups to stop being so freaking divisive. I’m so SICK of both sides excoriating their opponents, reaming members of their own parties who disagree on some issues with them. I like moderates. Moderates are closer to the majority of Americans than those who are more far right or far left. Moderates are like combining the two extreme sides and coming up with something that most people can live with.

This stands out to me more with Republicans in the minority in Congress. I’m perfectly willing to admit that that is probably due to my own political leanings. But don’t rail against the tools that the Democrats used to get their way when they were the minority, and then turn around and be perfectly okay with them. I admired the Democrats for filibustering judicial candidates. I thought it was a way to work the system, a way for the minority not to get steamrolled by the majority. I’m okay with Republicans now threatening to filibuster. But when the SAME Senator who previously stood up, declaring that filibustering Democrats were ruining the process when they disagreed with him, stands up and declares that filibustering candidates is perfectly acceptable and indeed should be done? That bothers me. When Republicans throw hissy fits about everything that Democrats say and do, and offer no alternatives, it annoys me. When either side sabotages their own members for disagreeing, it frustrates me. (The recent election in NY comes to mind, as does the threat by MoveOn to fund any Democrat who runs against a Democrat who votes against the health care bill.)

Senators and Representatives should be able to vote in the way they feel is best for their region and the country as a whole, without fearing reprisals by those on the extreme ends. I worry that as politics grows more polarized, less and less will be accomplished by our government bodies. I’m not naïve enough to believe that this is a new phenomenon. But the strength and impact of the organizations with the most money who are the most radical is frightening.

Gone hoarse

So I was reading some of my past entries, and I’ve decided. I have lost my voice. I blame stress. Or grad school. Or the stress of being in grad school. Either way, my entries sound so flat, so without that spark that makes me giggle when I go back and reread (because, of course, amusing myself is the true reason for the blog). So that is my new goal. Regain my voice and make myself laugh more. It shall be grand. Glorious even.

Of course, this requires me to come up with topics to write about. I could follow some of my favorite bloggers and write about tv. Except that they watch most of the shows I do, and there’s no way I can live up to that. Though I have to say, something about *Glee* was a little disappointing last night. I don’t know if it was because I had built it up so much after its baseball-induced vacation. I still love it, but they are dragging some of the plot points out too much. I want more focus on the quirky people! Let’s face it, I could care less about the cheerleader. So what if she got herself knocked up? She was only entertaining as a saboteur; now she’s just blah.

I did get one of two packages I’ve been expecting. Still no yarn yet, though, much to my disappointment and despair. No, instead I came home to a GIANT box taking up a third of the front porch, holding my still unseen dining room table. And only little old me to drag it in. (I looked at the weight on the side. It was 160 or so pounds. I am not that strong.) I kind of wish more people had walked by, since I’m sure the site of me struggling to shove the box through the door was entertaining. And if I’m going to be sore and with back twinges, I would at least like to have provided some amusement. I’m refusing to open the box. And by refusing, I do mean am being too lazy. Instead, I put it on the floor and unpacked a couple of boxes onto it. I’d consider leaving it as a centerpiece, you know, one that is a conversation starter and really brings the room together, but I can barely get into the kitchen. And while I don’t cook MUCH, I do still need to eat, so…

As for the non-amusing parts of my life, I am actually finding them to be sources of amusement. Which sounds strange, I know, but I do like watching drama even if I don’t like being a part of it. Since I can’t help the one, I might as well enjoy the other.

Life Lessons- A Teal Deer of Growth

My life has been rather full of drama, some of which I played a part in creating, and some of which is just life. I've been sick, I've been down in the dumps, I feel like I have lost my funny a bit. I knew when I moved that I wouldn't be able to see people as much as I had been, but I didn't realize how much that would make me sad. I need to find people up here to hang out with.

It's also been an interesting experience in figuring out who I want to be, and how to accomplish that. I've gotten flack for not following people's advice, which first of all is a crap reason to give someone shit, and second of all should surprise no one who knows me at all. Of course I'm not going to blindly go along with what people tell me to do; it's so not in my personality. It doesn't mean I don't listen to the advice, and think about the advice, because I do. It just means that I think that I have the most comprehensive view of things. like the whole ex debacle. I know that lots of people didn't agree with how I handled that. I asked for advice, and I listened to it and in some ways, they were proven right. But he and I are the only ones who truly know what our relationship was. So I tried to combine my friends' experience with what I knew as best as I could. And if that pisses people off, so be it.

Going along with the ex thing, I'm also working on how I want to handle things, and how handling difficult moments define who you are. One of the things that people were upset with me about was that I communicated with him at all. After all, they said, he didn't deserve it and was just being selfish and it was going to accomplish nothing. and while they were right, I don't regret it. I want to keep that naively hopeful part of myself alive. If he had changed and I passed up a chance to get back together, I would wonder about it for a long time. Because of how he handled things, now I know that even if he was smart enough to want to get back together, the issues that made me most unhappy are still there. I don't want to be the type of person who once hurt, automatically assumes the worst of the person. I don't want to be the type of person who refuses to see the consequences of her actions, intended or not. I don't want to close myself off, I want to remain empathetic. And that is what I am using as my lodestone. Last night, I went to see Dar (I HEART DAR) wiht a couple of friends, and she was talking about the origins of "The Mercy of the Fallen." It's a song I like, but not one I had spent much time thinking about. But the whole song is about getting lost, and what that teaches you and leads you to, and one of the things is hopefully compassion. I have seen an amazing lack of compassion this past week. Losing compassion is not something I want to happen to me. (Of course, I've also seen a large amount of awesomeness from people who want to help. Even if some of them worry a little too much about me messing up my life.)

I'm also getting better at cutting people I feel are negative influences out of my life. Which sounds uncompassionate, but I don't mean for mistakes they make, and I'm not cutting them out out of vengance or anger. But I don't want people in my life who fake friendship, who try to justify their behavior in any way possible, who are perfectly okay with hurting others. I'd rather save my time and energy for other things and other people. This is a cumulative decision after several weeks and months of thinking.

Most of all, though, I want to look at how I've responded to things and be happy with my actions. I know I'll make mistakes, but it's how you handle those mistakes that shows who you are.

Something Borrowed, something blue

So one of my oldest friends is now married. For nearly a week. It was a lovely wedding, though it is a bit weird to think that my friend that I met for the first time in third grade now has a new last name… *sniffs* I do love weddings, though, especially in cases like these where I am just so happy for the bride and groom. The wedding planner was a nightmare, though. Seriously not on top of stuff for the wedding. I mean, she was a freaking hour late. An HOUR late. We were only a half-hour late and we were 7 girls getting hair and make-up done. No excuses, no phone call. Just showing up like that was when she was supposed to be there. We get there, have no idea where to go, and the sanctuary wasn’t decorated. The limo that was supposed to take the bride and groom to the reception. Never showed. The bride had to climb into her new husband’s freaking huge truck in a wedding dress. With a train that hadn’t been bustled. The whole thing was ridiculous.

The wedding was quintessentially my friend, though, and her family. So not what I would have done, but as long as they were happy with it, that’s all that matters.

As for my last post, apparently a false alarm. There were one or two more emails, but I am not going to force him to communicate with me, not when he started this all. The majority of my friends think that he was just being selfish and wanted some reassurance or comfort or something. I didn’t think that, but now… Well, whatever. I’m not going to worry about it, I’m going to keep looking forward, and if he wants anything, he’s going to have to a. work at it and b. convince me that it’s worth it. I’m not holding my breath.