Was really mad, but got over it. Think part of the problem was that I was pms-y AND had just been in the car for 20 hours. Also, my dad was being a prick. But I'm letting it go for the good of the family. And he really doesn't MEAN to be an ass, so I feel bad for blaming him for it.

Oh. also. Another happy thought (I have to hold on to them to keep from turning into a crazed maniac). My new hair stuff. Called G2B... Kinky. I love it. It makes me smile. And an added bonus is it brings memories back of Emily Pate not understanding why I didn't want her to call my hair kinky.

First of all, I apologize to Peggy for using to instead of too. I hate that, and I'm sure she does too, but it's really pointless changing it now that I see it four days later.
Okay, short entry that due to fatigue will have to be explained later. My dad fucking annoys the shit out of me and makes me so mad that I come close to crying, which is what happens when I get REALLY angry. There. I feel slightly better. Slightly.

Is it a bad thing that I am sick to death of hearing about my brother and think my parents talk to much about him? It makes me want to scream or better yet, leave. I mean, he's a freaking adult. I always thought that meant you were in charge of things like supplying stuff for your appartment, but my parents think it means to buy everything not stupid on his little list. and why do we, or more importantly I (hey, let's be honest. I don't care if THEY agree to do something for him... as long as I'm not involved.) have to help with everything. Like moving in. ANd why won't my parents let me drive his stuff down by myself. My dad, who is also going, is a total drag who currently is annoying the hell out of me and makes me frustrated, mad, and slightly violent.
Okay, happy thoughts, happy thoughts. Oh, I've fallen in love. I'm head over heels wiht a pair of shoes. THey are gorgeous. So damn sexy. THough not as sexy as my new, slightly uncomfortable but not murderous black shoes. And yay for postcards from Emily! And... I'm running out of happy things to think about. Must get away from house, away from parents before words are said that would be as hurtful as possible because I'm feeling bitchy.

Have you ever had a dream and when you woke up, you felt differently because of it? That happened to me last night. And they, the dreams, continue ot be like movies.
I think it's a little funny that Peggy was talking about how she didn't really choose a lot of her friends, just kind of fell into the group when sometimes last year, I didn't even feel a part of the group. PArt of that could be because I didn't meet several people till March. Which was shortly after I decided I hated all my friends and needed new ones. Luckily that sentiment changed. Anyway. Don't really know how that was connected. But I wanted to say it.
I had an epiphany on Friday. It's too complicated to explain here, but since then I have been overwhelmed with joy and peace and beauty. The smallest things will floor me, things like the sun shining through my body glitter or the trees blowing in the wind. It's lovely.
I also have been reading Atlas Shrugged, a very good but very long book. It's intriguing and brings up many societal questions about compassion and charity and what is too far. And humanity in general. There is a trainwreck which could have been avoided in which 200 people die. And part of me as the reader is furious at this waste of life. But then Rand describes the people in the train and you can't help but think they deserved to die. It really is a masterful work. If only it wasn't so damn long! I want to be done with it. I still have 500 pages left and I've already read 550. AHH!!!!! The neverending book!

Well, Amy has a semi-boyfriend. Only semi because he lives in Atlanta and Amy met him like a week ago and doesn't really know him that well. He's kind of scary, though she says he's nice and cute and Christian. But he met her at an FCA camp, knew her for a week, and then after that starts calling her like everyday and emailing her all teh time. Okay, side note. Seth Greene is a cutie. Anyway, back to Memes. When she told me about this random boy, I wasn't really surprised. Because I can kind of understand Dana not having a boyfriend and I can't even imagine a guy liking me but Amy is pretty darn hot. I mean, come on. THe girl works out like mad. I am a little jealous, I have to admit. But not a whole lot. Because it's Amy.
And if you think any part of the former statement is sad, I do too. The fact is that when a hot fifteen year old flirts with me, I wonder what the hell he wants and why in the world he would flirt with me over some of the other girls around. Even when a nerdy fourteen year old follows me around at camp, I'm just amazed at what he would see in me... Okay, I swear, I'm not some maudlin person who sits around analysing herself. I just think a lot.
Oh. And Peggy, who I think is the only person who reads this, I'd like you to know that I have almost finished the first draft of an autobiographical short story which I will put on my webpage when I'm done.

Yay!! My computer is fixed!!! IBM roxors. I called them on Thursday morning. Friday there was a nice previously owned, but working, hard drive in my yard. I had forgotten how much faster I type on this keyboard. Am now tempted to write just so I get to type. But I'm tired from babysitting. Where I was VASTLY underpaid. But oddly, I'm not upset about it. Maybe I'm just too tired to care so much. Maybe I'm just too used to being taken advantage of.
It's kind of weird reading Peggy's online diary. We are a lot alike and then totally different. I can sympathize wiht so many of her problems because I have the same ones, like having a dad who doesn't really understand or know me and the whole pain of growing apart from high school friends. Growing up sucks. ANd not knowing what to do with my life. But then, even though my dad and I have issues, both my parents support what I want to do. Maybe because they know that I would fight them to do what I want. And I regret not rebelling as a teen-ager. But then, even now I don't know what I'd rebel about, besides the whole car thing. They're just too damn understanding. I think that maybe all this time I'd been seeing Peggy as stronger than me. But maybe we're just strong in different ways. I envy her her strength, but maybe there are hidden depths in me. (oohh... deep thought... scary.)

Well, had another nice, enjoyable break-down last night, caused by being hormonal and by watching too many romances. Sigh. Luckily I was able to prevent another episode today with memories of this weekend. I lost my virginity, my CRUISING virginity, that is. (ha, did I scare you? ;-) ) It was SO much fun! We got hit on by some sleazy guys who wanted us to "earn" some Mardi Gras beads, which we didn't though I was going to show them my bra (I had taken it off. Damn strapless bras are sent from hell to torture women). One cute guy blew us a kiss from another car.
Tonight I watched A Beautiful Mind. It was good, but I could not figure out what movie the actor who played Charlie (his imaginary friend) was in. I could remember thinking how cute he was, tall and skinny with a nice little accent that makes me wanna... okay, enough of that. ;-) So, anyway, looked at the cast thingy on the dvd and saw that he was Chaucer in A Knight's Tale. That made me very happy.
Oh speaking of random things that make me happy, while I was in NY, my mom gave me $50 to spend. I bought this candle snuffer from a museum shop. I LOVE it. It's not even that cute or anything, but knowing that I own it makes me happy. Really happy. It's so odd. But then again, I am so odd. But that's okay.

Since the last REAL entry was rather depressing and dramatic, I HAVE to write a more recent one. NY was fun. I love NY, but there was entirely too much family bonding. I almost died. After spending six days with my parents, mainly my dad, I was picturing throwing stuff at them, mainly my dad... And Philly sucks. It's so boring. No atmosphere. And it finally hit me that my parents, mainly my mom, are old and don't understand youth. Though she at least liked the cute little cafe that scared my dad and Matt. But things like how people could eat dinner at ten o' clock and go to bed late and still get to work in the morning. We went to see Ground Zero, which was odd... It just seemed like a big construction site; it was almost completely cleaned up. The financial district, though, was creepy. It seemed haunted, even though the streets were full of people. I kept seeing scenes from 9-11.
Well, now I get to go escape my parents by going to Knoxville and seeing Dana. YAY!

New York and Philadelphia, here I come!!! Watch out! :-)

Talked to Emily today. Happiness!
Well, I had an interesting conversation with Peggy. Not really, but one part was kind of disastrous. Wasn't REALLY her fault, though I could try and make her feel guilty in retaliation for her snide comment in her journal...:-) Have I mentioned what a vindictive bitch of a child I was? Cutest child you will ever see, but man, could I be mean. Anyway, she asked a rather innocent question, if I've ever really had a boyfriend, which, due to my mood and the fact that I'm PMSing (at least I hope I am. Otherwise I have no excuse for either the inexplicable irritation with my parents or the cookies that I HAD to have), sent me in a downward spiral down into the boggy mires of my inner soul. Wasn't that nice and poetic? okay, in real terms, the fact that I had to answer no reminded me of old insecurities. As soon as I got into my room, depressing thoughts began to float around. Thoughts that I have been fighting since freshman year of high school. Thoughts like no wonder I can't get a boyfriend, who would want to date me, etc. Well, I decided that since I was depressed anyway, I would have a nice little cry to clean out my emotion system and started trying to make myself more depressed. And that led to an odd little discovery. While I can make myself very depressed and have a lot of insecurities, there are a few things that I know aren't true and can't even pretend that I believe them in the name of depression. Like I was like, look at me. And I have my physical flaws, which of course I went over. But then I thought, I'm ugly. And I don't believe that. Immediately this little voice of reason in my head said, "Liar!" Not that I'm the most beautiful person either. As David so nicely stated for me, I am 'professionally pretty'. Aka, I'm the type of girl you'd want to work with, not date. Grr... I could KILL him for that statement. Not that I didn't know this. But I didn't need him to state it.
But I'm okay now. Got over it. Fell asleep and woke up feeling better.

Yay for Michelle's birthday!!! Now she can officially do everything except rent a car!! [does a little excited dance] :-)
Okay. Weird dream occurence only shortly after I declared they had stopped. This one was about school, the beginning of the year when everyone is moving back in. Only it wasn't really Smith. but it was. I was looking for all my friends because I (obviously) wanted to see them, but I couldn't find them. I couldn't read the tags on the doors. It was odd. Okay, it doesn't sound that odd, but it was. You just had to be there. In my dream. Though some of you were... ;-) (and NO. Not like that.)
Yes the randomness that I have fostered for so long has taken over in a coup d'etat. It was forced to take over my mind in order to keep sanity from fleeing in boredom. (Have you noticed that I'm bored?)
I'm avoiding doing crafts right now. I have officially been asked by Mary, a family friend and last summer's slave driver, if I would come out like once per camp and help with crafts. Which will be kind of fun, if a bit sad. It's weird for me to think about not going to camp. I've been every summer since I finished third grade.It's been a rather large part of my summers. Ah... the memories come flooding back. The last time I really cried in front of people was at camp. Anyway, the only thing is that I have to do all the sample crafts and get like a hundred or two plastic lacing things started. And THEN I'll have to teach people how to do them. Now, for those of you without lacing experience, lacing is fun. It is. But TEACHING lacing is hell. Especially in large groups. It makes me tired to think of it...

Well, weird dreams have somewhat died down. Which is good and bad. They were interesting, if very odd and very random.
I had forgotten how not fun it is to be burned. Amy and I laid out on Saturday. It was nice and relaxing and I was looking forward to having non-glaring white legs. Well, now they aren't glaring white. They are a pleasant pink color. Along with my back, my knees, my shoulders. Essentially, moving hurt. I could hardly stand to wear clothes, in particular a bra, Saturday night. Luckily, my friends are for the most part not in town and I have no life, so I managed not to move or wear a bra.
Reading other people's online journals disturbs me. Not that I don't like to know what is going on in my friends' lives and heads. I do. But Emily's makes me want to go to England as a student, reviving the whole dilemma in my head and heart. Peggy's. Peggy's really confuses me. I understand how she feels about the whole what should she do question. I have no idea. Writing appeals to me, but I think I suck. Like the competition I entered. I'm just waiting to get the email saying that I didn't win. I can't even imagine placing. Plus I have no real motivation. And I don't know if I could stand having such an insecure lifestyle. Unless Peggy finds TWO great, funny, intelligent, cute, and importantly rich and gives me one. But her conflict makes me jealous for some reason. I don't understand why it should, except for the fact that in my mind, she's more talented and more likely to actually sell her artwork and writing.

Bored, bored, bored. I feel like my brain is rotting. Anyway, every once in a while a sermon is just what you need to hear. Not often. That kind of happened on Sunday. As in it was what I needed to hear, but it's easy to hear, not to believed. I find myself in an odd state in which I've actually given up on a dream. It may only be temporary (God, I hope it's only temporary). But it's not easy. The fact that I'm slightly hormonal hasn't helped. It's only made me want to cry all the time. Sigh.
OH, have now decided that I officially have the most random things happen to me. I was at the gym today. Working out, gross, not really wanting to see people I know. And I was doing these little leg/hip/ass things on a machine and this girl asks me if she knows me. I had never seen her before the gym. She knew my name. Apparently, she remembered me from my senior year (she was a freshman) at the awards banquet. Where, to be honest, I did win a lot of awards. But still. It was two and a half years ago. And she remembers my name?! Remembers me enough to recognize me?! It was crazy. Though now I feel like a bit of an important personage in little old Cleveland. I think I may have been a bit of a role-model for her. (and yes, I am aware that that sounds pompous. When someone remembers you from one night two years ago, you can too.)
I helped tonight with a program designed to teach adults English. It's pretty cool. It forces me to think about the way english really works. and it's crazy. It also just makes me feel good. Here are nice people really trying. And I get to help them.

Massive headaches suck. Anyway, I just came back from the mall. I had to get my dad's father's day present. I hate shopping for him. He has so few hobbies/interests that I can't find anything cool for him. Then I can't remember what I've gotten him before, so I'm scared to buy something that I might have given him before. That's probably why I have a headache now. Was hit on by a really creepy trucker in the mall. So the rest of the time I was in the mall, I was constantly looking around to make sure I didn't see him again. Sigh. That's what I get for being so damn sexy. That only weird guys hit on me. Resigh.
Last night I went with my parents to see Nickel Creek at Riverbend. It was fun except we had to sit on a really steep hill and that really made my ass hurt. Chris Theele, the kind of cute mandolin player, was cracking me up. He wants to be a rockstar so bad, dancing around and acting like a guitar player. It was amusing. And I've finally realized that the reason I don't like some concerts is because there is nothing to keep my mind occupied. My dad, who has been driving me up the wall lately, made us stay for a little of a jazz band. The treble was so loud that anytime the brass played, I had to cover my ears. Literally. Chris Theele jumped in on that band, too. I've decided that the little emode's quiz about what time party person you are is definitely right. I'm an observer. The only thing that kept me mildly interested for the two fifteen minute pieces that we listened to was watching the intergroup dynamics and how the addition of Chris messed them up. That was entertaining. You could see how they thought of him as a kid. An incredibly talented kid. A kid who's probably better at his instrument now than they will ever be.

Ahhh!!! There's one problem with working out. Being sore. Now, I don't really mind being sore. It makes me feel like I've accomplished something besides wasting an hour and a half. But the problem lies in where I'm sore. I made the mistake of exercising my pecs. Since my pecs are in the same general area, and in fact rather beneath other things like breasts, everytime they move (and there is NO bra that prevents all movement), I get a nice little shock of pain. It's just lovely...
I finally got to see Spiderman. I know, I know. It's been out for a month. But I knew my parents wanted to see it. And if I go with them, they pay. It's worth the eight dollars to go with them. Anyway, I loved it and have now decided that Tobey Maguire is the perfect guy. I've discovered that I like bad boys (oooooohhhhhh.... like Spike... and Lex) or really good guys. It's an odd combination.
Well, Matt's in Boston. He actually somewhat has a real job, working as a free-lance correspondent for the Boston Globe. I'm happy for him. Really, I am. But I seriously was going to jump out a window, or maybe a moving car, if I heard my mom talk about it for one more minute. She likes to discuss things that she knows nothing about. Repeatedly. Redundantly. Talking in circles. Over and over again. ;-)

Find it amusing that Peggy keeps quoting me. It almost makes it worth it to talk to her... ;-)
We went to downtown Chattanooga with Mary and David tonight. They wanted to see Matt before he left. It was fun, but made me want a boyfriend. Let me explain that... Downtown Chattanooga is really cute. There is a park right by the river with restaurants and shops on the edge and a bridge over the river. We went walking over hte walking bridge and around the park. It was warm and the sun was setting. There were flowers blooming near the paths and their scent filled the air. There was a slight breeze and as you walked over the bridge, you could see the lights of Chattanooga reflected in the water. In other words, it was a very romantic atmosphere. And while I love my parents, brother, and Mary and David, they're not exactly the people I'd prefer to be with in that situation. And no. I have no specific person in mind. Just someone... special. So now I'm in a wistfully romantic mood. At least I had Whitney's amusing one-line email to make me laugh.

okay. I feel a slight need to explain. I'm not HAPPY that Peggy doesn't have a job. The perfect situation would be for both of us to have a job. But I don't want to be the only one jobless and broke. And if that's selfish, so be it. Anyway, speaking of jobs... Barnes and Noble is hiring. Now whether or not they will be hiring me is another story. But I now have a probable back-up. And no, it's not the greatest back-up. I can babysit for the McCarleys. Babysitting is not my favorite thing, but there are some benefits. One, the McCarleys are nice and I've babysat them lots. Two, they have a pool, so I could finally get tan. Three, it would be easy to get time off for things like visiting New York and Cincinnatti (not quite in the same catagory, but still...). And four, money! I need money. Particularly before Riverbend, when my friends are going to want to go out to eat before going to the concerts. So, once I'm employed, I will get behind Peggy and support her with all that I have. Not that I wouldn't support her now. I would just have to support her while listening to a little voice in my head go "shit. Now I'm all alone in my joblessness"
Okay, that was suitable boring. In other news, Matt is driving me crazy. Since my mom has promised me not to nag, Matt has taken over. And he's a more annoying nager than my mom.grr... But I have to be nice since he's leaving soon. That and I'm sure he has good, if annoying intentions. Of course, if he doesn't back off, I may snap.
My house has been flooded with people. Worker people. But, they'll be done next Wednesday. No more having to get dressed to eat breakfast or know that people are watching you when you walk to the kitchen. And no, none of them that I have seen anyway have been cute. sigh.

Just want to point out the irony in my life. Am suffering from an allergic reaction. My tongue is swollen, my mouth itches, my eyes burn. And what am I allergic to, you ask? Clarinex. An allergy medicine.

YAY!! Just finished watching the Buffy season finale. It made me happy. WEll, the last scene especially. I even squealed. But I won't say anymore because I gave Whitney this link (if she hasn't lost it) and I know she hasn't seen any for a while.
Listened to my All-State cd.Damn, we were good. It made me miss being a part of a really good choir. I mean, All-East and All-State were so much fun. Intense, but fun. And I love singing hard music with people who can read dynamics and directors who actually made you. (for those of you not in the music world, all state is the top 300 singers from the state. You audition for your region, mine was all east. The judges give you scores, the top scores from each section get to go to all east, then the top people from all east go to all state). I've missed being out of the real music scene. Of course, I don't miss all the rejections, the not winning or even placing in competitions coupled wiht people telling you you're really good. Makes for confusion/doubt. And depression. Things I'm not a big fan of.
Went to see Star Wars: Episode II today. It was good. Definitely enjoyed it, though the whole changing of scenes abruptly and frequently got a bit old. I agree with Emily that Aniken had the dark broody thing going, but he was also really sulky. Reminded me of the bad thing about being a teen ager. which I don't really want to be reminded of. Though Obione Kanobi (and yes. I'm aware that I have no idea how to spell that) was kind of cute in an older, I'm going to save the universe and still be adorable way. And I now want a cloak.

Anyway, I'm back! Scary, I know. Matt's graduation was... long. It was nice, but long. Lots of Carolina blue. WAY too many relatives. You know you have too many people in a group when it takes twenty minutes to decide anything. I have decided, my parents can be very boring. We seriously talked about the stupidest things for WAY too long. Drank too much coffee. And am glad to be home, where I can escape from people.
It was odd. And kind of sad. We went to a dinner with the Wesley Foundation, a group Matt's been a part of (was even president of) and I could see how well he was liked. I couldn't help but be jealous. I've known for a long time that I was the smart one and Matt the popular. but there has always been a part of me that longs to be like him; the kind of person everyone is attracted to, wants to be friends with. The kind of person who is sought by others. I just feel like a social failure sometimes. Not that I don't have friends. I do. As you guys who are reading this know. But I know I'm not that type of person. And sometimes I hate that about myself.
Yeah, so I've been in a really weird mood lately. Keep swinging from bitter and cynical to pissed to easily amused to depressed. I hate hormones. I finally developed all my pictures from school. They're SO cute. And, for some reason, about ten minutes after I looked through them, they made me want to cry. Why? I have no idea. In fact, I think I'm going to go sleep. Try to snap myself out of this funk that I am in. Or I could work on the new story I started. (Yes. I actually started a new story. Oh, if anyone wants to read and comment on my old story- I might enter it in a competition, but want more feedback first- just email me.) It's about anorexia, so THAT should make me feel better (hint of sarcasm?)

The name of Rebecca creates a friendly, sociable, charming nature, but causes you to be too easily influenced by others. While you find it easy to meet and mix, and can appear agreeable and compromising in conversation, you can become dogmatic and forceful if pressed too far. Others learn that you cannot be told what to do and you seldom change your mind once it is made up. You prefer situations that allow a degree of independence, but are reluctant to take on a demanding work-load or responsibility. In a position dealing with the public, you could do well because of your friendly personality, interest in people, and desire to please. When asked, you are able to give others good advice that you would probably not follow yourself, but must guard against being too opinionated in controversial matters. The physical weaknesses due to this name centre in the fluids of the body and the senses of the head, causing headaches, eye, teeth, or severe sinus conditions; also, kidney or bladder weaknesses.
The name of Becca creates a restless, creative nature that takes you into many ventures, but does not allow you to see things through to a satisfactory completion. Yours is a versatile, musical, artistic, but independent nature and you must have the freedom to express your creative ideas and abilities to be happy. An urge for independence causes dissatisfaction and frustration in close relationships and you find the "ties that bind" restricting. The qualities of this name would find a more constructive outlet in work that involves high-pressure selling or promotional activities, possibly in community affairs, for it contains a positive, driving power. It is difficult for you to merge with others; although you have quickness of mind, you lack tolerance and can give way to impatience at another's slowness or shortcomings. If you cannot complete your plans when you wish to do so, you could suffer intense moods of depression and extreme sensitivity in the region of the solar plexus, resulting possibly in ulcers or nervous disorders. This name could take you into bitter experiences through impulsive action. You need more stability to find peace of mind, relaxation and happiness in life.
Oddly, my nickname is the one I think is the closest.
Your first name of Reebok has made you a sociable person who appreciates the beauties of nature and the refinements of life, and is moved by music and the arts. You are very idealistic and romantic within yourself and may have tried to express your beautiful thoughts through poetry or writing. Crudeness and vulgarity are very repulsive to you and you are very particular about little things. You suffer greatly with lack of confidence and self-consciousness. You crave affection and understanding, yet because you can be so easily and deeply hurt, you have learned to keep your true nature hidden; therefore people do not really know you. You always wonder if you are doing the right thing, desiring to express yourself but afraid to. People may consider you haughty and aloof because of your sensitivity and reserved ways. You may find some expression abut it would usually be light conversation, rarely daring to reveal your deeper thoughts or take others into your confidence for fear of criticism or ridicule. You have a very kind and gentle nature, and although you may be in a position in contact with the public, you will still be a lonely and reserved person. Thus, you live much within your own thoughts, often finding your escape in reading, which you love to do. This name could cause you to suffer through a sensitivity in the fluid functions, causing female disorders, swelling of the legs and ankles, or general blood debility. There is also a weakness in the region of the heart and respiratory organs.

Had strange, bizarre dream last night. I mean, talk about weird. I was at school, in Peggy and Whitney's room. They were there, along with a few other people from school. We were all there to watch Buffy (big surprise...;-)) Amy and Dana, two of my best friends from home, were there as well. But the REALLY weird thing was that Anna Colvard and Ryan Mauldin were there too. Now, I know none of you understand that, so let me explain. Anna was a friend in high school. Not a close friend. A girl I thought was really cool but didn't hang out with much. Haven't seen her since I graduated TWO YEARS AGO! But Ryan is definitely the oddest. Because Ryan was in my sixth grade class. He went to my high school (I think), but I obviously wasn't close to him. I don't think I've had a conversation with him since sixth grade. Why would he show up in my dream? I can understand my close friends; the whole "I'm trying to get rid of the close friends from home/ close friends from college dilima by combining both groups" thing. But Ryan and Anna? So not making sense. Though this is MY subconscious. Why should I expect more?
Went through my books today. I'm giving SO many away to a children's library. Mainly because I haven't ever cleaned out my books and suddenly realized that the 40 or so Saddle Club books I have really aren't necessary or even likely to be read again. It's kind of funny. I hope kids are still horse crazy; otherwise nobody's going to read my books. I've now managed to get rid of enough books that I can organize the books that I do have into some semblance of order (basically, I can see at least that there is more than one row, so I'll remember to look back there from time to time.)
Found out Barnes and Noble is hiring. Feel like sitting by the phone, waiting for them to call and offer me a job. (Yes, I did put in an application). If they don't call me, I'll call them... gag. I hate the phone.

From Peggy's journal: Like a womb for learning. Immutable. Vast. Repository for the mouldering heaps of thoughts collected by dead men and pressed into bindings crumbling with age. Comforting, terrifying, dichotymous.
Okay, dichotymous? Who uses dichotymous in a rambling rant that you post in an online diary. So, she may not always write about deep things, but still. I mean, DICHOTYMOUS!:-)
Love ya, Peggy.
Anyway, my parents keep wanting me to help them. Not that that's a horrible thing and I should hate them forever for it. But somehow, they always pick the times when I'm in the middle of something. Whichis impressive, since I really don't do anything. I hate the fact that I actually get a little annoyed. I know it's dumb and selfish, really I do. But...
Matt's graduation is in exactly a week. That's a little weird. Still don't have all of Matt's present. It'll be... interesting. I'll finally get to meet Ann's parents. They sound pretty cool, and since I'll probably be indirectly related to them by marriage, I hope I like them.

I have to say, everytime I read Peggy's journal, it makes me feel like what I write about is small, unimportant. Not that that's a bad thing on her part. She just has all these deep things that she writes about. Well, fine. Not ALWAYS. I guess it's good. Makes me think about deeper things. But I still probably won't write about them. That way, I can astound and surprise people who have forgotten how intelligent I really am... :-)
I hung out with Shannon and Amy today. Shannon didn't mention anything I'd written in here, which I feel like she would have, so I THINK she lost the link. Not that it matters if she did or didn't. I just like to know. It was fun hanging out with them, but it was odd, too. I felt like I had to self-edit more than I normally do. It's hard; we've all changed so much, yet somehow expect everything to stay the same. I know I've changed a lot. I almost feel like a different person. I look back at who I was in high school, hell, who I was last year and I've come so far. I'm so much stronger, more independent. I always hid how unsure a person I really was; now I feel like I'm more the person I was pretending to be, or maybe a person with the qualities I wanted. And I don't know how that fits with my high school friends, people I feel close to because of our past. But we're friends who don't even know each other well anymore. It's all very odd.
Oh yeah. My brief but passionate love affair with cookie dough is over, leaving me satisfied, but slightly nauseous. I know, I cheated on my one true love, my body pillow, but we've talked it out and it's okay with everything.

Craving physical contact. Well, specifically with a male. But I would accept cuddling with my friends in a completely non-sexual way. I watched Smallville tonight. Decided that Chloe should turn Clark down. She deserves better. But I missed Emily and Michelle. No EMily to grab my arm and cuddle with it. No Michelle to ooh in appreciation. It was sad.
I went and looked for a job today. I hate doing stuff like that. I feel so stupid. All "Please hire me" and whatnot. I applied at Bath and Body Works and got an application for Books A Million that I now have to fill out and take back. I really only want to work at Barnes and Noble, where I've already applied, but they aren't hiring for a couple more weeks. This sucks.

k. Apparently, while I've never considered myself a feminist, never really thought about it at all until the past year, I've been one for a really long time. My dad bought me a shirt that says I do it because I want to do it in reference to female pilots because it 'seemed like me'. Then my friend bought me a book. And you guys will love this. It's called Kiss my tiara: a guide for smart-mouth goddesses. And yes, you all can borrow it. and yes, it's highly amusing. And yes, I realize that highly and amusing don't really go together and I really don't care. But anyway, I find it odd that EVERYBODY knew before me. I guess it's just a part of who I am.

I love Peggy. Or at least her cd-making ability. I have been listening to Damn the Man lots. And lots... It's highly entertaining. And again, no one is online. I did get to enjoy reading the stuff with my new online book club.Posted randomly about how cool I am. Okay, so I lied a bit. :-)
It was kind of sad. THe other night, I was reading through my old diary. Yes, I do that sometimes just for kicks. Anyway, I found this one entry from the summer after Matt graduated. And it was talking about how at camp everyone started crying (and by everyone, I mean me and like one other girl) because people were leaving. And I realized that that was the last time I've REALLY cried in front of people. not like sad-movie crying. Actual I'm crying because my heart hurts and I have to crying. Now, to put this in perspective, Matt is going to graduate from college in like a week. So that would put this about four years ago. It's been FOUR years since I've cried in front of someone?!?! What the hell is wrong with me? Okay, don't answer that. It was just weird to realize that I have actually cried in front of people before. Yeah, random side-note. I'm bored and tired, what do you expect.

I want to get drunk. completely plastered. Okay, maybe not puking. Maybe only pleasantly tipsy. Why? I really couldn't tell you. Boredom maybe. I've never understood drinking for its entertainment value. I could always see wanting to forget yourself, escape from feelings or thoughts that wouldn't stop. But just for the heck of it? Not really. Now, though, while I still don't see getting REALLY drunk and puking, mild drunkness has its allure. Plus I think I would be hilarious kind of drunk. I mean, as weird as I am normally? You picture it. Tell me if it doesn't make you laugh.
Why isn't anybody online!?!? I was so excited last night because I had several people to talk to. I was seriously bouncing in the chair with excitement. And now there are very few people online. My buddy list looks so sad.
I am going through major clean-out phase. I've been randomly going through crap and throwing it out or giving it away. Considering that I am a HUGE pack-rat, this is rather a surprise. I save EVERYTHING. You think I'm exaggerating. I have notebooks with papers from high school. I have ticket stubs from movies I went to see three years ago. I have almost any card ever given to me. And now I am throwing them away. It's kind of fun.

Coming home is so odd. Before, when I actually wanted to come home, I would look around, seeing all the things that were familiar, that brought up memories. I just wanted to sink back into my old life. Now, I drive around and feel like I'm at a museum exhibit. A weird, changing exhibit that only has faint ties to who I am right now. And all I want to do is be back at school with my friends. All you people that I miss SO much. I want to hug Whitney and Peggy, cuddle and squeal with Emily at Smallville, make fun of serious stuff with Michelle, tell Jessie that I hate her... And lots of other stuff. Lie out in the courtyard. But no. I'm here. Here with my parents who I love dearly, but have outgrown. I never thought I'd be tired of home. I never thought I'd understand why people were so eager to go back. Now I do...
Though I don't miss the Collins soap-opera. Being Peggy's conscience was tiring. Though I really wasn't. I enjoyed the fact that she called me her good angel, perhaps a little too much. But I didn't think she would do anything. She's too nice a person and that would be too mean to Adam. Not that he doesn't deserve it. But Peggy wouldn't be that cruel. And it would be hard on her, too. Though the whole thing was entirely too hard on her. You're too good for that shit, Peggy. You shouldn't have to deal with it.

Well, apparently my last entry surprised some people. And I would like to thank those people for refraining from teasing me in front of my mom. Another taboo topic. To be honest, I was surprised that they were surprised. I mean, all this time I thought I was pretty obvious. I did blush almost everytime Whitney teased me. And NO. I do NOT have a crush. I don't like that word. It conjures up images of seventh grade girls giggling and saying how cute some guy they've never met before. I had a crush on Coverdale. That is a crush. Neal. Neal I just really like. And the more I learn, the more I like. sigh. Oh well. Though now I know that denial really does work on my friends, always useful info. I will say, to give them SOME credit, they weren't there at several more obvious moments... But really. I've been hinting about it for the past couple of weeks in this thing. And I know that some people read it. Okay. Enough of this.
Well, I'm home. gag. It's only been a day and my mom is already irritating me. Though part of that could be due to the fact that I was/am completely exhausted from my whole three hours of sleep night then moving out. And I have no floor space. All the crap that took forever and a day to move out is occupying it all. Though I GUESS I don't really need any space to walk. We have all these worker people fixing up our house. It's going to be a while before they are done. Lovely. Like right now? We have no stairs. No way to get to the other computer or big tv. And that's my escape from my parents. Hopefully they'll be done in like a week...

Ahhh!!! Peggy wrote an entry in Bridget Jones style. That always makes me want to do the same. But I shall not copy! No, I shall stay strong and not lose my subjects and superfluous words.
Am I avoiding a paper? I think so. I have a page written... five more. I'm adapting my first paper. But it's hard because I have to mix it with a new book and that's giving me difficulty. And, while Peggy's hormones have subsided, mine have not. I kicked several trees on the way back from Starbucks with Michelle and Emily, which helped some, but not enough.
I wish I could just read people's minds sometimes. Like Neal's... He confuses me. Because sometimes I think he likes me and other times not so much. He's definitely started hanging out with my group of friends more, but there are several of us that he knows. He's more physical with other people, but that could be because he's not comfortable with me because he likes me. I could continue. I wish that all this hadn't started so close to the end of the year. Even with a few more weeks, I think it would either pan out or disappear. And I'm not sure whether or not he overheard Whitney and me talking about him. Not that we said anything huge or that it would really matter, but still. And he's such a great guy.
I've decided that sleep is overrated. Or at least I'm going to keep telling myself that, seeing how I'm not really counting on getting much. After I finish my paper, I still have LOTS of packing to do. grrrr...

Ahhh!!! Boys suck! Adam is so oblivious to other people sometimes. He has managed to seriously worry/hurt three people in the past two weeks. That's got to be a record. I hope he grows up soon. Eventually, his friends aren't going to want to put up with it anymore. Meanwhile, on my end. I thought that exercise was supposed to help get rid of sexual energy. I just freaking played ultimate frisbee for TWO AND A HALF HOURS!! And am I calm, collected, COOL? nope. I feel like I should go take a cold shower, even though I just got clean. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr... And yes, Whitney. I know there are other ways. But unless I jump someone, I don't think it's going to happen.

I'm listening to the other mix Peggy made me: Rebecca's Randomass mix. I love Peggy. I see a mouse, a mouse wearing a helmet... :-)
I am SO tired. I keep thinking that I don't need sleep. And it doesn't work like that. Though I was going to sleep later today, but I woke up at ten-thirty for the last time and realized since there was no way in hell I was going to be able to sleep again, I might as well get up. I started packing. I'm slightly screwed. I can't fit all my clothes into my bags. Not a good thing. And I don't want to leave! Anyway. I tried Merlot last night, wasn't a big fan. Must be an acquired taste. I had to drive home from my teacher's party because Beth, who drove, was slightly drunk and 'probably could drive home', but since there were three other people riding with her... We votoed her probably. Then she and Gabe and Neal and I went and played frisbee. It was really fun. We all got muddy, though Gabe never fell. And it started raining and it was lighting. It was awesome. And I'm not talking about the main thing that is on my mind. And I don't think I'm going to...

Well, I had written a perfectly nice entry last night about how lovely my birthday was and how much I love my friends and how much better this was than last year when almost everybody forgot and how embarrassingly nice my cake at prayer lunch was. But then my computer refused to publish my entry and I gave up and left. So that's all you get.
I MISS WHITNEY!! It's weird. She's hasn't even been gone a full day. And I want her here to hug and have fun with. Peggy and I both went through withdrawal last night. It was a little odd. Not that I don't love Whitney. But still. I shouldn't miss her already! What am I going to be like this summer, going through withdrawal with all my friends... Even though Whitney has developed a distinct like of seeing me blush... Which is kind of amusing because she doesn't realize that I blush really easily and have worked hard for the past six years to learn to control. And now I have managed to eliminate blushing from most topics. She has discovered one of the few that I can't control. She doesn't realize, though, that she could tease me about any guy that I have ANY vague interest in and I would probably blush. And it's her fault that I blush anyway. And school is almost over. And it doesn't matter anyway because I think he likes Sara...
Peggy says that boys are the root of all evil. I say they are the root of confusion...

It's almost my birthday!!!

Hehe. I'm working on Shannon's birthday present. It's fun. I would say what it is, but I think she reads this. At least if she hasn't lost the link...
I'm kind of sad. I had to add a class and now I no longer have no Friday classes... I was planning on working three days a week for two hours and they were planning on me working two days a week for three hours. How many people just randomly have three hours in their schedule? Not I. So I had to drop linguistics. A little sad. But the class I added is going to be taught by my teacher that I have now that I love. So it's not all bad. Plus I only have one more of my awful class left. YAY!!
I had an emotional breakdown on Sunday. It was really weird. One minute I was fine, packing my winter clothes up, listening to Pheobe's cd, the next I was hugging a sweatshirt and crying. I just bummed around for a while, randomly crying for no reason, and then got over it. And NY Nate was nice, so that made me feel better. Sometimes he can be great for self-esteem. Other times... not so much. :-)
I find it amusing that I can tell when people visit my webpage by when they take the quizzes I have on here...
I turned in my final draft of my story today. I hope she thinks I changed it enough. I only added like one and a half pages. But I didn't have that many things to fix. I really, really like it. I'm THINKING about sending it in to a competition. We'll see though. Thinking and doing are definitely two different things. And I'm much better at thinking than doing.

I'm still listening to Pheobe's cd. I should be listening to the "Damn the Man" cd Peggy made for me (YAY PEGGY!) because it would probably help my mood. I'm really not in the best mood for listening to romantic songs; they make me sad. But I forgot about Peggy's cd when I got up and now I'm too lazy to get up and switch cds...
I went to Little 5 yesterday. It was fun. Not thrilling, but fun. Poor Godspeed. They had such a rough time, starting with a bad wreck in the first lap and followed by three more. By the end of the race, all four riders had visited the med tent and both bikes had been screwed up. It's hard to compensate for something like that. Especially when one guy hurt his arm/shoulder after less than one lap and couldn't ride anymore. Michelle and I were going to walk around and pretend to be drunk. We didn't, but it would have been funny.
Our joint party was last night. It was amusing. It's kind of interesting. We all are starting to get a little tired of each other, but, since we know we're going to miss each other this summer, we hang out lots and lots. It makes things... interesting. I won at loaded questions. Yay for me. We did henna, but it didn't work out very well. I figured out why Whitney reminded me of Kim at the beginning of the year. Busy weekend...

Sitting here listening to Pheobe's new cd. YAY! Love all the songs; the Sunscreen Song's my favorite. So far... PHEOBE ROCKS!! Though now am extremely short on money as only have eighteen dollars to get me through the next week and a half. Will have to conserve money. And use credit card, though hopefully not much because still will have to pay for bill and have no job yet.
Last night, listened to Alex's jazz group with Michelle. Was fun. Was kind of surprised by skill of the group, though piano needed to be miked and was bothered because piano was never on beat. Then went on veranda where talked with Michelle and others who dropped by. Met Leah and Sabine and Liz through Neal. Like them very much and think they are funny and entertaining. Slightly sad that did not meet them before as now will have no real chance to get to know them before summer. Was funny drunk guy trying to talk politics. Enjoyed confusing him as was very easy. Know. Am Evil. Enjoy that as well.
Am slightly worried by the lack of current job for summer. Am cursing stupid recession. Know that economists claim recession is receeding, but still have no job and so have no proof of their statements. Also have not started six page paper. Don't even know what to write on. Early draft is due Tuesday. Also have barely scratched the surface of revising story and, since love story, want it to be perfect. sigh. Oh well.

I am glad I'm female. I was talking to NY Nate last night and he was complaining about female solidarity, how it is unquestioning. The case we were talking about wasn't like that. But in general. Would I support a female friend over a male? Hell yeah. And I can see how that would be annoying to a guy. But deal with it. I LOVE it! YAY FOR WOMEN!!! And I can even blame it on men.(Whitney and Peggy have taught me that talent...) Really academically, too. If you want to hear my reasoning, im or email me or actually talk face to face (what a novel concept!) and I will show off my amazing mind.
On another note, I've almost decided that I'm wrong about something. I'm not going to tell you what. But it makes me slightly sad... (now, wasn't that annoying?!)
All this heat makes me apathetic. I don't want to do anything. And ballroom today was GROSS! We were all sweaty. I've decided Monday I'm just going to go naked. Okay, maybe not. but it would make things more interesting.
Well, I'm going to go outside and ruin some more skin cells.

AHHHHHH!!! I definitely am feeling flirty. Sadly, I don't have too many opportunities or even too many people I am willing to flirt with. And no, Whitney. I don't need any suggestions. Instead, I'll just go crazy. And while I can flirt with my female friends, it's just not the same. sigh.
Anyway. It is SO beautiful outside. I had to walk to Ballentine to turn in my stupid story. I really didn't want to go, but I liked it. The night was so calm and warm. I felt like I was on a tropical island. All that was missing were the cute house boys, drinks with umbrellas, and a sarong. And there are these trees. I don't know what kind of tree they are, but the blooms smell... You could smell them from ten feet away. And the moon was low in the sky and orangish. I wanted to walk for a long time, but my sweatpants (I was doing laundry, so everything else was wet) were really hot.
I love my friends. They make me happy. Peggy said they would kill anyone who dared hurt me. It seriously gave me warm fuzzies. I think I forget that people actually care about me sometimes, that I'm not just a person who amuses them. I know that THEY mean more to me than that. But it's hard to remember that it can be reciprical. I'm really going to miss them all this summer... I'm really not looking forward to the end of school that much. It'll be nice to not have to do work, but I won't be able to see my peeps. And I'll probably scare some of my friends from home... That could be amusing, though.:-) Plus at home I don't see people enough. Here I'm surrounded. If I want to be around people, I just have to walk into the hall.

AHHH!!!!! I am SO tired! What ever happened to weekends being the time to catch up on sleep?
Friday I went to see Peter, Paul, and Mary with Michelle. I was kind of blah about it. But it was so happy! It was like a big campfire concert or something. They played Puff the Magic Dragon and This Land is Your Land and lots of other songs that made me feel like I was a kid again. They did have some sad, serious songs, but that was okay too. And they were all so cute! Peter and Paul were just two cute old men. After the concert, I went over to Dan's house. THat was fun, too. I finally have met all the characters so frequently mentioned in everyone's stories. Thankfully. I feel like I'm torn between three groups and the fact that I hadn't met everyone in one of them was definitely a bit alienating. I kind of wonder if some of the people I don't know so well would be surprised to know that I'm Christian. And I don't know if I like that or don't. Because I feel like I should be different, like there should be something uniquely Christian about me. But then I also don't want to be an uptight Christian. the kind that no one other than Christians like. The kind that never can really relax.
Saturday was Collin's Fest. Marla did an AWESOME job! (Yay Marla!) It rocked. They had cotton candy and pizza and cokes and buttons and leis and music. It was totally cool. I had to leave ot go watch Pride and Prejudice, though. Collin Firth is totally cute, though they did stretch some parts of the movie out. And yes, to those who were there, I am aware that I was totally annoyingly literary. I couldn't help it, though. I'm too used to discussing and dissecting books and Pride and Prejudice is one of my favorite 'classics' and one that I've discussed in class.
Anyway, this is long enough. I know, my entries are long. But I like to write. So I don't care, you don't have to read them. I won't get mad, I promise.

Peggy said that she and Whitney weren't making me a bitch, they were liberating the little bitch I already had inside me. Now I have a funny mental picture of a little person living inside me. Maybe she's the one who loves chocolate so much and has a desire to yell and scream and possibly hurt men with stilettos. I wonder if I could evict her. I wonder if I would even want to...
It is SO nice outside. Sadly, since I haven't shaved in a while, I'm wearing jeans. Blah. Whatever man, and I'm sure it was a man, came up with the idea that women should have smooth legs should be forced to shave his legs and then put bug spray on, WHICH REALLY HURTS!!!, and then shot. Plus I am running severly low on clothes. I had to wear silky underwear today, which had the effect of making my pants almost fall off. Constantly. I also had to wear my new shirt. Not that I don't like my new shirt. I just wasn't planning on wearing it for a while. I guess I'll just have to break down and do laundry tonight... Last time this semester, though!
Walking around campus was amusing today. Spring is the time when flowers bloom, trees bud, and high schoolers come to visit. It's horrible, but I laugh at the tours. I know, I was once one of them. But that was like forever ago! Okay, only two years, but still. And even then I felt like a dork. They walk around with their parents tagging along behind them, looking really lost with their little Steve and Barry bags. I never had a Steve and Barry's bag. Of course, I didn't want to go here. At all. It's amazing what a few rejection letters and a scholarship will do to convince you...

"No, that's pizza," I want to tell them. "Pizza wants to be free. Concentrate on liberating pizza from evil pizzerias. Information, on the other hand, really hates being free, and is never happier than when manacled to a wall, like Kirk and Spock in some piece of late 70s bondage-oriented slash fiction-Neil Gaiman
I just thought that quote was really funny. I mean, I would definitely be cool with liberating pizza. Anyway. It is a gorgeous day out there. Why am I inside? I really have no idea. I should be out there, trying to get my pale skin up to some symblance of normal. Instead of the PALE whiteness that it is now. Though I will NEVER go to a tanning bed. Personally, I don't see much point. And if Michelle becomes president, it'll be illegal anyway. So, why get in a habit I'll have to kick? Maybe the good weather will make my mini-rose bush start blooming again. It stopped when I left it here over spring break... no water for a week will do that to a plant.
Oh, scariness! There is a Rockapella version of... Gangsta's paradise! HOW HORRID IS THAT!?!?!
I'm a little bit upset. Three RA's have been fired. They weren't back in the dorm when they were supposed to be for the Championship game. Okay. So they messed up a little. Though one of them went to visit his mom who had just gotten in a car wreck. And the other two say they misunderstood the rules. They shouldn't be fired! And one of them is TJ. He's cute. I don't think any cute guy who is a RA should be fired. Unless they do something absolutely horrible.
Well, I fell into the trend. I bought a Finals shirt today. But I don't care. I AM A BASKETBALL FAN!! I know some of you can't understand that. But screw you. I like it. :-)

okay, Mr. Weatherman totally lied to me today. There is NO way it is in the mid-60's out there. Luckily I had a break between classes and could come back and get a jacket. Grr...
I registered today. Yay! Okay, I'm not really excited. I'm taking French, apparently with Zach which will definitely be odd, Music of the 70's and 80's with Michelle and one of her friends (YAY!), Junior Thesis writing, and... Linguistics!! THe sad thing is I'm actually kind of excited about that one. I'm only taking it because it fulfills my science requirement, but still. I think I'll like it. I hope I like it.
Something scary is happening. My 'type' is expanding.I used to find tall, skinny guys the most attractive. Now it's just... any guy. Well, not quite. I mean, I do have standards. But first to be added to the list was red-heads. Not all red-heads, but in general... (I can't say every, because there is this one red-headed guy in my class that really annoys me.) Now it's broader guys. Actually, it's pretty much any guy who isn't a dweeb. And yes, I know that word is so old. But I can't use nerdy or dorky, because they can be attractive, too. I mean, intelligent guys. mmmmmmmm.... ;-)
The wind keeps making my door sound like someone is knocking... It's really annoying.
I have come to a realization. Or, more accurately, an admittance. Whitney likes to call me repressed (and, no, not just sexually). I'm finally ready to admit it. Yes. Yes, I am. I feel like I need a support group or something. But seriously. I feel like I have to control every aspect of myself. EVERYTHING. No wonder I'm always tired! But I can't stop... Emily was asking me if I still felt like no one really knows me. And I kind of do. Sometimes people surprise me by knowing me better than I think they do. But still. I hold a lot back. Repress a lot of emotions. And I know it isn't healthy, but I can't help it. Ahhhhhh!!!!!!!
Oh, side note. Since Peggy wants me to put up some writing and I promised Shannon a long time ago that I would let her read a poem I wrote, eventually I will post a poem. Just a little incentive for you to come back. As if my fascinating journaling isn't enough...

so...tired.... I like living on the third floor, but sometimes I want somebody to pull me up the stairs. And Peggy and Whitney are having a bad influence on me. Quelle surprise. Not only are they making me a bitch, but they are also making me lazy. Does their evil know no ends? ;-)
I hate my medieval class. My teacher is such a moron. Seriously. I can't stand her in any way, shape, or form. She treats us like we are children. We have a story due next week. She gives us all these restrictions, like we can't make up people or essentially use any artistic license. Now she wants us to turn in all this info about our story, our plot, character info, setting, blah, blah, blah. And I don't want to do it. In fact, I don't think I will. Being in a 400 level creative writing class, I think I can handle a 7 page report/story. We always have to do so much crap in her class, pointless crap, idiotic crap, we don't know how to write crap even though half the people in there are english majors.
I'm listening to happy music to try and make me happy. It's not working. Too tired... I think I ate my motivation. Because it definitely has vanished. I register tomorrow. Have I even looked at possible classes? Nope. Of course not. That would be smart and planning ahead and we all know how wrong that is. And homework? I woke up today and remembered that I had to turn in a rough draft of a composition. Luckily there were so many rules and restrictions that it required no creativity or effort. So I did it in like ten minutes. I'm sure it sucked, but I'll get full credit for it. In case you can't tell, I'm alternating between incredibly tired and pissed. It's an odd combination.
I gave Nate my web address. Now I guess I can't rant against him...;-) It was kind of weird. He read my page, then said that sometimes he forgot that I had feelings. It was a bizarre thought. I couldn't get mad at him because I understood what he meant. Since I am completely not serious about anything with him... It made me think though...

I'm a little disturbed by how good I look as a guy. I know, several of you don't understand that. So I'll explain. I went to a murder mystery birthday party for a girl I don't really know. The reason I went was because Emily asked me to. And I was like why not. Well, we were supposed to dress up and I was playing a guy. So I got Peggy to help me. My hair is stuck back into a ponytail, I have mascara pretending to be facial hair and eye-brow pencil to make my eye-brows bigger. And if I didn't have boobs or hips, I could totally pass for a guy. It freaks me out everytime I look in the mirror. Kind of sad, though, that I look better as a guy than as a girl...
Anyway, just got back from Emily's. I love Emily. She somehow gets me to talk about things that I don't normally talk about. Consequently, she is the one who gets me closest to crying. Someday I'm going to break down in front of her and then ruin my record of having no one who can say that I have really cried in front of them. And crying at movies does NOT count. Totally different. But it's good for me.
One of the things we talked about was how guys don't give enough compliments. I don't think guys understand how much girls need that. I was trying to remember, but I don't think I can think of a seriously genuine compliment from a guy. Ever. And that makes me sad. And it should make all the guys I know ashamed.

Ahhhh!!! My computer has randomly decided to unplug itself. Only it's not unplugged. I don't really understand it. My poor computer...
Anyway. I just got off the phone with my parents. I told my mom about possibly changing when I went to England. She was really supportive. I always forget how she is really like that. I get all nervous because I don't want to mess up their plans. But then my mom is always like, 'whatever you decide.' It's nice. It's kind of sad how much I really take them for granted.
Okay, stupid janitor man. Why must he ALWAYS be cleaning the showers when I need to be in the bathroom?!? Okay, TEN IS A BAD TIME!!! Other people need to take showers too. I feel like I'm in a competition with him. Who can get to the bathroom first? And why can't we have a female janitor? Then it wouldn't matter. But of course that would make sense, and sense is just evil.
I love my friends. For a while, they were fighting over me on my board. Peggy and Whitney are so cool. Not that the rest of my friends aren't. But they were the ones fighting on my board. If you fight over me on my board, you might get mentioned too. And Peggy's page cracks me up. So, PEggy, I'm glad you are enjoying my corruption to feminazi. Of course, you and Whitney are also the one's who make me watch things with cute boys in them. Though I still say anyone who is like fourteen can't be cute to me, even if he does sing and dance.
I'm going to a murder mystery party tonight! YAY! Even if it is Emily and her close friends that I don't really know. I'm playing a boy. But I can't. Not really. Damn my girlish figure. And I don't have any boy pants. oh well. It's not like I'm actually trying to fool anybody.
You know what I find odd? I can't just cry. Okay, I sometimes have break-downs, but not very often. I can feel when I need to cry; my heart feels bruised. But I have to make myself. It's like picking at a scab. I know all the things that make me sad and I think about them. A lot. And when I get tired of crying, I resupress all the tears. Some how this doesn't seem healthy....

I just got back from CSF's senior banquet. It was really fun. People were a lot more sexual in their dancing. It was interesting. Of course, it would have been better if there was anyone in CSF that I was interested in... Last night I went to a club to see Three Minute Mile. I had forgotten how good they were. I had SO much fun dancing, though I got a little too into it. I hurt my knee... I wish that I had had more energy, though. As Peggy's teacher says, "Dancing is a vertical expression of a horizontal desire," and having no boyfriend, or even a prospect, I had a lot to dance out. We all got 'slutty'. I wore my sparkly shirt and lots of glitter. My pants kept falling down, being hiphuggers. I liked it. Plus I was proud of myself for wearing that shirt out in public. I felt sexy. Not something I feel a lot. Though of course, NO guy hit on me.
I am so tired of every guy I know having a crush on the same girl. I'm not complaining that it's not me because I don't really care. But really. Can't they have SOME imagination? Vary it up a little? I'm so tired of hearing that all the single guys have crushes on Sarah. I like Sarah and I can see why they would be attracted to her. But after a while, it gets irritating. There are so many cool girls in CSF that they could have crushes on. Yet the majority focuses on her. Grr...
I was kind of irritated that Marla told Neal I had a crush on Coverdale. It was definitely a little awkward. Not that I have a crush on Neal. But there is a little bit of slight mutual (I think) attraction. And it was weird having a conversation about another guy. Especially since Neal got all protective, which was crazy. Like he thought I was going to crash a basketball party and throw myself at Coverdale's feet. I don't throw myself at anyone's feet. And I will never meet him, so it really doesn't matter. Stupid emotions. Stupid interactions. Stupid relationships.

Well, here I am on my second day as a web-journaler. And this is the second time I've written. I rock!
Anyway, today was very non-productive, as my entire week really has been. I'm still REALLY tired, but can't nap... I know! What's wrong with me?!?! I can't nap! I can always nap! I just sit there, trying to fall asleep. I'm a little bit sad. Neal told me he's heard stories about Tom Coverdale. About how he and Fife essentially make people, or rather girls, strip to get into their parties. I can only hope he's wrong... sigh... I guess all my friends who have crushes on Hornsby are lucky. I mean, he's a good boy. He even went to church the day after the Kent State game. Oh well. I think my crush is starting to fade anyway. I know, that was quick. What can I say? I am that good.
French class was boring. As usual. My prof went around several times trying to make sure everybody could say their r's correctly. I really hate it when he does that. I feel like everybody is staring at me, which they probably are. Luckily it was my only class of the day. Then I went to prayer lunch, where we had KFC. The quality has kind of gone down. No more home-cooked meals. I mean, I understand why Linda can't really do it. And why we have pre-made stuff a lot. But it still makes me a little sad.
Michelle, Shannon, and I went to the little party thing in Dunn Meadow and then went shirt shopping. Both were disappointing as we couldn't find any good shirts and no bands played while we were there. Hopefully tonight will be fun though. I'm going to a fake rave! Three Minute Mile is playing, who I like.
Well, this has been pretty boring, I know. But too bad. That's what I wrote and that's what you get.