Gone hoarse

So I was reading some of my past entries, and I’ve decided. I have lost my voice. I blame stress. Or grad school. Or the stress of being in grad school. Either way, my entries sound so flat, so without that spark that makes me giggle when I go back and reread (because, of course, amusing myself is the true reason for the blog). So that is my new goal. Regain my voice and make myself laugh more. It shall be grand. Glorious even.

Of course, this requires me to come up with topics to write about. I could follow some of my favorite bloggers and write about tv. Except that they watch most of the shows I do, and there’s no way I can live up to that. Though I have to say, something about *Glee* was a little disappointing last night. I don’t know if it was because I had built it up so much after its baseball-induced vacation. I still love it, but they are dragging some of the plot points out too much. I want more focus on the quirky people! Let’s face it, I could care less about the cheerleader. So what if she got herself knocked up? She was only entertaining as a saboteur; now she’s just blah.

I did get one of two packages I’ve been expecting. Still no yarn yet, though, much to my disappointment and despair. No, instead I came home to a GIANT box taking up a third of the front porch, holding my still unseen dining room table. And only little old me to drag it in. (I looked at the weight on the side. It was 160 or so pounds. I am not that strong.) I kind of wish more people had walked by, since I’m sure the site of me struggling to shove the box through the door was entertaining. And if I’m going to be sore and with back twinges, I would at least like to have provided some amusement. I’m refusing to open the box. And by refusing, I do mean am being too lazy. Instead, I put it on the floor and unpacked a couple of boxes onto it. I’d consider leaving it as a centerpiece, you know, one that is a conversation starter and really brings the room together, but I can barely get into the kitchen. And while I don’t cook MUCH, I do still need to eat, so…

As for the non-amusing parts of my life, I am actually finding them to be sources of amusement. Which sounds strange, I know, but I do like watching drama even if I don’t like being a part of it. Since I can’t help the one, I might as well enjoy the other.

Life Lessons- A Teal Deer of Growth

My life has been rather full of drama, some of which I played a part in creating, and some of which is just life. I've been sick, I've been down in the dumps, I feel like I have lost my funny a bit. I knew when I moved that I wouldn't be able to see people as much as I had been, but I didn't realize how much that would make me sad. I need to find people up here to hang out with.

It's also been an interesting experience in figuring out who I want to be, and how to accomplish that. I've gotten flack for not following people's advice, which first of all is a crap reason to give someone shit, and second of all should surprise no one who knows me at all. Of course I'm not going to blindly go along with what people tell me to do; it's so not in my personality. It doesn't mean I don't listen to the advice, and think about the advice, because I do. It just means that I think that I have the most comprehensive view of things. like the whole ex debacle. I know that lots of people didn't agree with how I handled that. I asked for advice, and I listened to it and in some ways, they were proven right. But he and I are the only ones who truly know what our relationship was. So I tried to combine my friends' experience with what I knew as best as I could. And if that pisses people off, so be it.

Going along with the ex thing, I'm also working on how I want to handle things, and how handling difficult moments define who you are. One of the things that people were upset with me about was that I communicated with him at all. After all, they said, he didn't deserve it and was just being selfish and it was going to accomplish nothing. and while they were right, I don't regret it. I want to keep that naively hopeful part of myself alive. If he had changed and I passed up a chance to get back together, I would wonder about it for a long time. Because of how he handled things, now I know that even if he was smart enough to want to get back together, the issues that made me most unhappy are still there. I don't want to be the type of person who once hurt, automatically assumes the worst of the person. I don't want to be the type of person who refuses to see the consequences of her actions, intended or not. I don't want to close myself off, I want to remain empathetic. And that is what I am using as my lodestone. Last night, I went to see Dar (I HEART DAR) wiht a couple of friends, and she was talking about the origins of "The Mercy of the Fallen." It's a song I like, but not one I had spent much time thinking about. But the whole song is about getting lost, and what that teaches you and leads you to, and one of the things is hopefully compassion. I have seen an amazing lack of compassion this past week. Losing compassion is not something I want to happen to me. (Of course, I've also seen a large amount of awesomeness from people who want to help. Even if some of them worry a little too much about me messing up my life.)

I'm also getting better at cutting people I feel are negative influences out of my life. Which sounds uncompassionate, but I don't mean for mistakes they make, and I'm not cutting them out out of vengance or anger. But I don't want people in my life who fake friendship, who try to justify their behavior in any way possible, who are perfectly okay with hurting others. I'd rather save my time and energy for other things and other people. This is a cumulative decision after several weeks and months of thinking.

Most of all, though, I want to look at how I've responded to things and be happy with my actions. I know I'll make mistakes, but it's how you handle those mistakes that shows who you are.

Something Borrowed, something blue

So one of my oldest friends is now married. For nearly a week. It was a lovely wedding, though it is a bit weird to think that my friend that I met for the first time in third grade now has a new last name… *sniffs* I do love weddings, though, especially in cases like these where I am just so happy for the bride and groom. The wedding planner was a nightmare, though. Seriously not on top of stuff for the wedding. I mean, she was a freaking hour late. An HOUR late. We were only a half-hour late and we were 7 girls getting hair and make-up done. No excuses, no phone call. Just showing up like that was when she was supposed to be there. We get there, have no idea where to go, and the sanctuary wasn’t decorated. The limo that was supposed to take the bride and groom to the reception. Never showed. The bride had to climb into her new husband’s freaking huge truck in a wedding dress. With a train that hadn’t been bustled. The whole thing was ridiculous.

The wedding was quintessentially my friend, though, and her family. So not what I would have done, but as long as they were happy with it, that’s all that matters.

As for my last post, apparently a false alarm. There were one or two more emails, but I am not going to force him to communicate with me, not when he started this all. The majority of my friends think that he was just being selfish and wanted some reassurance or comfort or something. I didn’t think that, but now… Well, whatever. I’m not going to worry about it, I’m going to keep looking forward, and if he wants anything, he’s going to have to a. work at it and b. convince me that it’s worth it. I’m not holding my breath.

A Year Plus

So, he emailed me yesterday, basically saying a lot of what I had wanted to hear. I can’t decide how I feel about this. Of course, I immediately start analyzing everything, what this means, what it could lead to, are we going to get back together, do I want to get back together… basically thinking way too far.

But I am proud of how I handled it. Yes, I responded, being honest. I thought about ignoring it, but my reason for not responding would be that I was trying to punish him by treating him in the same frustrating way that he had treated me. And that’s dumb. If I hadn’t responded, then I would be thinking about responding and that’s not good for my zen-like calm. Plus I’m trying to make sure that I behave in a way that I can respect, and acting out for petty reasons is not on that list.

The question though is what I want to do. I thought about calling people to get advice, but I know what most people would say. Especially those who have only heard the worst parts of things. Though I think after emailing him, I am leaving it entirely in his court. And I am okay with whatever scenario plays out. Yes we had a great relationship for a long time, and yes we could get that back (I think, depending on a variety of things). I do still miss him, and it’s not just because he’s “in my head.” It’s because I miss him. Genuinely and frequently, which to me says something. But if that’s not what he’s thinking, or if we did talk and some things were just not going to be fixed, then… I’m okay with that option as well.

A year later

It’s hard to believe it’s been a year. 365 days since I’ve seen someone who was so much a part of my life for so long. Someone who was my absolute best friend, someone who knew things I’d never told anyone else. Someone who also drove me absolutely crazy, who would ignore me when I needed reassurance, sit there silently or, even worse, fall asleep, when I was upset, and who made me feel so unimportant so many times. Someone who yelled at me for being an inconvenience when I had sacrificed to be somewhere to support him, who so often wouldn’t make the effort when an activity was important to me, and who repeatedly stole my joy and excitement.

This weekend was a strange one, in part because my friend decided to tell me that she had seen him. with another girl. on a boat cruise in Annapolis. I’m not going to say that it didn’t hurt, just like I won’t deny that I still miss him sometimes. Actually, it felt like being hit in the stomach. Repeatedly. And then it made me nervous, which was unexpected. Hurt, I get. But her telling me this ruined the hopeful illusion I had created for myself that I will never run into him. That he has vanished from my life for good. It’s not like I didn’t expect him to move on. I would and will have no problem with dating someone when I meet someone I’m interested in. And I’m not really surprised that he found someone first. For all that I wanted to be the first one in a new relationship, I’m also the picky one.

And after some advice and love from my wonderful knitting friends (both in real life and online), I restabilized myself and am cleansing my mind of him. I mean, I am in so much better of a place now than I was when I was with him, especially towards the end. I’m calmer, saner, happier, less stressed (or at least only stressed by outside circumstances, like moving and starting a new job). We were good together, but I’m looking forward to finding someone I’m better with. No, I’m not just looking forward. I’m excited. I just hope it happens soon, since I’m also not particularly patient.

Whales 'R' Us

THIS makes me so mad that I want to hate PETA (Not the blog entry, but the topic). Except I already think they are crazy and awful. But still. This is a new low. Apparently while they are so worried about treating animals well, they could care less about people. Who thought that this would be a good campaign? What gives THEM the right to be so cruel and demeaning towards women? Jerks. This makes me even angrier than the Bacardi ad campaign which I am too lazy to relook up. It basically consisted of the "ugly girl accessory, the must-have accessory for the summer." I'm now boycotting Bacardi. And might hit any PETA people I see. (Okay, probably not. In part because I never see PETA people. Greenpeace, yes. I do talk back to Greenpeace people, and refuse to give them money or sign their petitions. Every once in a while, I tell them WHY I don't like Greenpeace, but they are all punk kids who have no idea how Greenpeace has acted in the past.)

Luckily my anger has been off-set by the good news that I have a phone interview on Friday. I feel so wanted... :-) I'm still hoping for the job that I have the second interview for on Monday, but it's nice to have options and to be getting attention from the job-hirers. Plus I'm going to have Five Guys for dinner, in protest of PETA's encouraging people to be vegetarians.

Taxiing

CW has yelled at me one too many times. Every time I see her, "You never post, the last time you blogged was in May, and it was about being angry." So I'm reblogging. Well, not reblogging, since that implies that I'm taking an old entry and redoing it or something. But blogging a new entry. Plus I'm about to be an attention hoar on ravelry, and I need a new entry for those girls to comment on.

So things for me are kind of in a weird holding pattern. Either that or I'm taxiing to the runway, to keep with the plane metaphors. I'm in the finals for a job that I think could be really amazing. I mean, totally a great opportunity to make it what I want, lots of writing, for a good cause. I'm trying not to get my hopes up. I'm close, really close, but I don't want to be entirely crushed when/if I don't get it. I've also got a couple of other interviews, so I feel like things are looking up. I just want it all settled. Especially since I have to decide on where to live... I really wanted to live by myself. Or I thought I did. I wouldn't mind living with a roommate, if they were cool and didn't expect much of me. I don't like feeling like I HAVE to socialize, though right now I'm totally undersocializing.

This whole not seeing people at work or class means that I feel really chatty when I am around people. I have decided that now when I drink, I try and make up for whatever I'm missing in my life. I get really chatty and huggy. Which is kind of a new thing. Not the drinking, but the massive amounts of chatting. I think I've been surprising some of my friends who are used to the more reserved me...

As for the ex. I won't say I'm entirely over things, since stress makes me more emotional and being emotional brings stuff I felt for or about him. But I will say that I'm 98% over him. I saw something a week or so ago that brought up memories of him and I wasn't angry. I wasn't even really sad. I was nostalgic. I smiled. I kept going. Which I think is an excellent sign. Now I just need to find a new guy. And for any rubberhoar who reads this, let me add a post-script. A GUY I'M ATTRACTED TO. I think I'm ready for it. Entirely and utterly.