Friday, April 22, 2011

A Mourning.

Between watching the episode where Angel breaks up with Buffy and the time of year, I'm feeling a bit maudlin. See, while the X and I didn't break up until August, we had a close call before. I now think of this as the beginning of the end. It was the Wednesday before Maundy Thursday, and X tried to break up with me. While this time, he didn't tell me that he couldn't see a future with me, he did go through the motions. And I went along, for 24 hours. That day was one of the worst of my life. I don't know that I have ever hurt so much. I walked to work and thought of throwing myself in front of buses. Then I went to church that night. I walked in and felt... calm. Peaceful. Like I was supposed to be with X, and that it would all work out. So after the service, I called and went over to his place and fought to stay with him.

I wonder if he expected the same thing when we actually broke up, that I would fight. But see, after the Maundy Thursday event, I spent so much energy. I worked HARD to keep us together, fought with everything I had. Whereas he... He did nothing. he shut me out, pushed me away. I think he wanted me to fight for him, but wasn't willing to put forth any effort of his own. I'm not saying I was the perfect girlfriend; I have my own baggage, I have my own childish needs that I try to push forward. I hadn't treated him well before the first close-call. I took out the fact that I hated my job on him for a while. But after? After I did everything I could think of, only to be continually shut down.

So this Good Friday I mourn. Not for our relationship; I'm over that. If I never see him again, I'll be happy. But I mourn for all the torment I put myself through. I mourn the scars that I might have avoided if I'd just let him go then. I mourn the issues that he made worse, the extreme self-doubt that I have. And I blame him.