Thursday, April 11, 2002

Peggy said that she and Whitney weren't making me a bitch, they were liberating the little bitch I already had inside me. Now I have a funny mental picture of a little person living inside me. Maybe she's the one who loves chocolate so much and has a desire to yell and scream and possibly hurt men with stilettos. I wonder if I could evict her. I wonder if I would even want to...
It is SO nice outside. Sadly, since I haven't shaved in a while, I'm wearing jeans. Blah. Whatever man, and I'm sure it was a man, came up with the idea that women should have smooth legs should be forced to shave his legs and then put bug spray on, WHICH REALLY HURTS!!!, and then shot. Plus I am running severly low on clothes. I had to wear silky underwear today, which had the effect of making my pants almost fall off. Constantly. I also had to wear my new shirt. Not that I don't like my new shirt. I just wasn't planning on wearing it for a while. I guess I'll just have to break down and do laundry tonight... Last time this semester, though!
Walking around campus was amusing today. Spring is the time when flowers bloom, trees bud, and high schoolers come to visit. It's horrible, but I laugh at the tours. I know, I was once one of them. But that was like forever ago! Okay, only two years, but still. And even then I felt like a dork. They walk around with their parents tagging along behind them, looking really lost with their little Steve and Barry bags. I never had a Steve and Barry's bag. Of course, I didn't want to go here. At all. It's amazing what a few rejection letters and a scholarship will do to convince you...

Wednesday, April 10, 2002

"No, that's pizza," I want to tell them. "Pizza wants to be free. Concentrate on liberating pizza from evil pizzerias. Information, on the other hand, really hates being free, and is never happier than when manacled to a wall, like Kirk and Spock in some piece of late 70s bondage-oriented slash fiction-Neil Gaiman
I just thought that quote was really funny. I mean, I would definitely be cool with liberating pizza. Anyway. It is a gorgeous day out there. Why am I inside? I really have no idea. I should be out there, trying to get my pale skin up to some symblance of normal. Instead of the PALE whiteness that it is now. Though I will NEVER go to a tanning bed. Personally, I don't see much point. And if Michelle becomes president, it'll be illegal anyway. So, why get in a habit I'll have to kick? Maybe the good weather will make my mini-rose bush start blooming again. It stopped when I left it here over spring break... no water for a week will do that to a plant.
Oh, scariness! There is a Rockapella version of... Gangsta's paradise! HOW HORRID IS THAT!?!?!
I'm a little bit upset. Three RA's have been fired. They weren't back in the dorm when they were supposed to be for the Championship game. Okay. So they messed up a little. Though one of them went to visit his mom who had just gotten in a car wreck. And the other two say they misunderstood the rules. They shouldn't be fired! And one of them is TJ. He's cute. I don't think any cute guy who is a RA should be fired. Unless they do something absolutely horrible.
Well, I fell into the trend. I bought a Finals shirt today. But I don't care. I AM A BASKETBALL FAN!! I know some of you can't understand that. But screw you. I like it. :-)

Tuesday, April 09, 2002

okay, Mr. Weatherman totally lied to me today. There is NO way it is in the mid-60's out there. Luckily I had a break between classes and could come back and get a jacket. Grr...
I registered today. Yay! Okay, I'm not really excited. I'm taking French, apparently with Zach which will definitely be odd, Music of the 70's and 80's with Michelle and one of her friends (YAY!), Junior Thesis writing, and... Linguistics!! THe sad thing is I'm actually kind of excited about that one. I'm only taking it because it fulfills my science requirement, but still. I think I'll like it. I hope I like it.
Something scary is happening. My 'type' is expanding.I used to find tall, skinny guys the most attractive. Now it's just... any guy. Well, not quite. I mean, I do have standards. But first to be added to the list was red-heads. Not all red-heads, but in general... (I can't say every, because there is this one red-headed guy in my class that really annoys me.) Now it's broader guys. Actually, it's pretty much any guy who isn't a dweeb. And yes, I know that word is so old. But I can't use nerdy or dorky, because they can be attractive, too. I mean, intelligent guys. mmmmmmmm.... ;-)
The wind keeps making my door sound like someone is knocking... It's really annoying.
I have come to a realization. Or, more accurately, an admittance. Whitney likes to call me repressed (and, no, not just sexually). I'm finally ready to admit it. Yes. Yes, I am. I feel like I need a support group or something. But seriously. I feel like I have to control every aspect of myself. EVERYTHING. No wonder I'm always tired! But I can't stop... Emily was asking me if I still felt like no one really knows me. And I kind of do. Sometimes people surprise me by knowing me better than I think they do. But still. I hold a lot back. Repress a lot of emotions. And I know it isn't healthy, but I can't help it. Ahhhhhh!!!!!!!
Oh, side note. Since Peggy wants me to put up some writing and I promised Shannon a long time ago that I would let her read a poem I wrote, eventually I will post a poem. Just a little incentive for you to come back. As if my fascinating journaling isn't enough...

Monday, April 08, 2002

so...tired.... I like living on the third floor, but sometimes I want somebody to pull me up the stairs. And Peggy and Whitney are having a bad influence on me. Quelle surprise. Not only are they making me a bitch, but they are also making me lazy. Does their evil know no ends? ;-)
I hate my medieval class. My teacher is such a moron. Seriously. I can't stand her in any way, shape, or form. She treats us like we are children. We have a story due next week. She gives us all these restrictions, like we can't make up people or essentially use any artistic license. Now she wants us to turn in all this info about our story, our plot, character info, setting, blah, blah, blah. And I don't want to do it. In fact, I don't think I will. Being in a 400 level creative writing class, I think I can handle a 7 page report/story. We always have to do so much crap in her class, pointless crap, idiotic crap, we don't know how to write crap even though half the people in there are english majors.
I'm listening to happy music to try and make me happy. It's not working. Too tired... I think I ate my motivation. Because it definitely has vanished. I register tomorrow. Have I even looked at possible classes? Nope. Of course not. That would be smart and planning ahead and we all know how wrong that is. And homework? I woke up today and remembered that I had to turn in a rough draft of a composition. Luckily there were so many rules and restrictions that it required no creativity or effort. So I did it in like ten minutes. I'm sure it sucked, but I'll get full credit for it. In case you can't tell, I'm alternating between incredibly tired and pissed. It's an odd combination.
I gave Nate my web address. Now I guess I can't rant against him...;-) It was kind of weird. He read my page, then said that sometimes he forgot that I had feelings. It was a bizarre thought. I couldn't get mad at him because I understood what he meant. Since I am completely not serious about anything with him... It made me think though...
I'm a little disturbed by how good I look as a guy. I know, several of you don't understand that. So I'll explain. I went to a murder mystery birthday party for a girl I don't really know. The reason I went was because Emily asked me to. And I was like why not. Well, we were supposed to dress up and I was playing a guy. So I got Peggy to help me. My hair is stuck back into a ponytail, I have mascara pretending to be facial hair and eye-brow pencil to make my eye-brows bigger. And if I didn't have boobs or hips, I could totally pass for a guy. It freaks me out everytime I look in the mirror. Kind of sad, though, that I look better as a guy than as a girl...
Anyway, just got back from Emily's. I love Emily. She somehow gets me to talk about things that I don't normally talk about. Consequently, she is the one who gets me closest to crying. Someday I'm going to break down in front of her and then ruin my record of having no one who can say that I have really cried in front of them. And crying at movies does NOT count. Totally different. But it's good for me.
One of the things we talked about was how guys don't give enough compliments. I don't think guys understand how much girls need that. I was trying to remember, but I don't think I can think of a seriously genuine compliment from a guy. Ever. And that makes me sad. And it should make all the guys I know ashamed.

Sunday, April 07, 2002

Ahhhh!!! My computer has randomly decided to unplug itself. Only it's not unplugged. I don't really understand it. My poor computer...
Anyway. I just got off the phone with my parents. I told my mom about possibly changing when I went to England. She was really supportive. I always forget how she is really like that. I get all nervous because I don't want to mess up their plans. But then my mom is always like, 'whatever you decide.' It's nice. It's kind of sad how much I really take them for granted.
Okay, stupid janitor man. Why must he ALWAYS be cleaning the showers when I need to be in the bathroom?!? Okay, TEN IS A BAD TIME!!! Other people need to take showers too. I feel like I'm in a competition with him. Who can get to the bathroom first? And why can't we have a female janitor? Then it wouldn't matter. But of course that would make sense, and sense is just evil.
I love my friends. For a while, they were fighting over me on my board. Peggy and Whitney are so cool. Not that the rest of my friends aren't. But they were the ones fighting on my board. If you fight over me on my board, you might get mentioned too. And Peggy's page cracks me up. So, PEggy, I'm glad you are enjoying my corruption to feminazi. Of course, you and Whitney are also the one's who make me watch things with cute boys in them. Though I still say anyone who is like fourteen can't be cute to me, even if he does sing and dance.
I'm going to a murder mystery party tonight! YAY! Even if it is Emily and her close friends that I don't really know. I'm playing a boy. But I can't. Not really. Damn my girlish figure. And I don't have any boy pants. oh well. It's not like I'm actually trying to fool anybody.
You know what I find odd? I can't just cry. Okay, I sometimes have break-downs, but not very often. I can feel when I need to cry; my heart feels bruised. But I have to make myself. It's like picking at a scab. I know all the things that make me sad and I think about them. A lot. And when I get tired of crying, I resupress all the tears. Some how this doesn't seem healthy....
I just got back from CSF's senior banquet. It was really fun. People were a lot more sexual in their dancing. It was interesting. Of course, it would have been better if there was anyone in CSF that I was interested in... Last night I went to a club to see Three Minute Mile. I had forgotten how good they were. I had SO much fun dancing, though I got a little too into it. I hurt my knee... I wish that I had had more energy, though. As Peggy's teacher says, "Dancing is a vertical expression of a horizontal desire," and having no boyfriend, or even a prospect, I had a lot to dance out. We all got 'slutty'. I wore my sparkly shirt and lots of glitter. My pants kept falling down, being hiphuggers. I liked it. Plus I was proud of myself for wearing that shirt out in public. I felt sexy. Not something I feel a lot. Though of course, NO guy hit on me.
I am so tired of every guy I know having a crush on the same girl. I'm not complaining that it's not me because I don't really care. But really. Can't they have SOME imagination? Vary it up a little? I'm so tired of hearing that all the single guys have crushes on Sarah. I like Sarah and I can see why they would be attracted to her. But after a while, it gets irritating. There are so many cool girls in CSF that they could have crushes on. Yet the majority focuses on her. Grr...
I was kind of irritated that Marla told Neal I had a crush on Coverdale. It was definitely a little awkward. Not that I have a crush on Neal. But there is a little bit of slight mutual (I think) attraction. And it was weird having a conversation about another guy. Especially since Neal got all protective, which was crazy. Like he thought I was going to crash a basketball party and throw myself at Coverdale's feet. I don't throw myself at anyone's feet. And I will never meet him, so it really doesn't matter. Stupid emotions. Stupid interactions. Stupid relationships.