Unwell

I actually thought about writing poetry today. Then I thought about reading poetry about such situations, googled it, and quickly realized that 98% of what came up was written by some angsty teen who is clearly not that good at writing poetry. (Makes me think I should go back and reread the poetry I wrote for SB. Too bad he’s got the only collected copy. Oh well.)

I don’t feel good. Not just emotionally, but physically. I think I might be getting sick. I kind of hope I’m getting sick; it’s a good distraction. Though I’m sure the not sleeping very well still isn’t helping. Nothing seems to help. I still wake up in the middle of the night, staring blankly into space and thinking about stuff. And of course, feeling terrified.

I did start reading my other book. Apparently I’m supposed to feel angry, although that is the emotion most women repress most. (The four you are supposed to be feeling are sadness, anger, fear, and sorrow. I’m not 100% sure of what the actual differences between sadness and sorrow are; I mean, I could posit guesses, but it seems like a fine line.) I hate being like most women. And I’m not angry, at least not at him. So I’m working on it. I’m kind of angry about the situation, I’m angry at the Today Show for having a special on today about why people get married, I’m angry at people getting married or who are married, I’m angry at his work, I’m angry with God for letting me fool myself into thinking it was going to last (I prayed about it. I did. Bunches of times. And every time, I got the same answer. Or thought I got the same answer. And now I get nothing.), I’m angry with myself for staying in crap job for too long. I’m kind of angry at him for giving up, but it’s a reaction that doesn’t last long and not because I’m suppressing it, but more because I understand and it’s hard to stay angry when you understand. So maybe I am angry, but it’s more of a frustration than anger. The rest, I’ve clearly got going on.

I also am not doing so well at school. I’m not doing badly, but definitely half-assing it. I haven’t finished all the articles for either of my classes this week (one was Tuesday, the other’s tonight), I can’t think. Trying to come up with analysis just isn’t happening. And I can’t seem to pull myself away from the TV long enough to concentrate on anything. I’m supposed to have a tentative reading list for my thesis advisor. I don’t. I can’t even pick out the main authors I want to write on…

Interpretations

So I mentioned yesterday that he texted me. I didn’t think much of it at the time; blah, blah, blah, he was just telling me that he was going out of the country and therefore would not be contacting me about my furniture until he got back. But that’s not actually what he said. I was telling Marie about it last night, gave her the textish of what he said, and her immediate response was, “Well, that’s vague and open to lots of interpretation and really not helpful.” Which is true. The text basically was “Leaving on my trip. Hope you’re having a good week (HA!), I miss you, and I’ll talk to you when I get back.” (I added the “ha.” He is not mocking my pain.) But in my usual tendency to wait forever before having a reaction to stuff, I last night kept thinking about it. What exactly does he want to talk about? I see three possibilities:

Strictly logistics. How to get my stuff back, if he’s going to buy the furniture he always said he was going to, etc, etc.
Mainly logistics, with a sort of post-partum discussion, including something on his part about how “we can be friends” (again with the ha! Maybe in like a year, but…).
No logistics, because he has realized that he has made a huge mistake and desperately wants me back. This seems the most unlikely. And the sad thing is, if he really meant that he wanted to be back with me, I’d do it in a heartbeat. If he just wants to get back together, though, because this sucks and hurts and everything, it’d be a no go. I really would rather get this over with now than go back with him only to be here again in a couple of months because he again “can’t see a future with me.”

I did manage to finish the fluffier of the two books I bought yesterday. It was… okay. Not hugely helpful, but entertaining. And it did help me make friends with the local homeless guy outside of Starbucks, who stopped me and then wished that he had had that book, because then he wouldn’t be in the straights that he is. He was nice. I hope he does okay.

I also keep dreaming about SB. I don’t approve. It makes it hard for me to know deep down that he’s not mine anymore…

Downs and Downs

I can’t take the mood swings. Honestly. I am somewhat used to being mood-swingy, but nothing like this (I was going to say that I can make up the word “mood-swingy” if I want to, but Word recognizes it). Usually mild mood swings, or swings from normal into irritability. Not all over the map and not for this long.

I did go out and by a couple of books today. Because that’s what I do. I don’t know how to fix something (ie. me or how I’m feeling or whatnot), I buy a book about it. They didn’t have the book I wanted, but I bought a couple of others and might venture out to Borders to get the original. (seriously, B&N. EVERY Borders in the area has a book, and you can’t be bothered to carry it?!) One I bought because the first chapter is all about mood swings. As in, you might be feeling kind of okay for like one minute, might start thinking of some of the things you’ll get to do now, but then will spontaneously erupt into massive sobbing and heartbreak. Which seems to be par for the course for me right now. I thought the other day that I was feeling somewhat like doing stuff, so I decided to clean because my apartment is rather messy and I’m tired of having to avoid things on the floor. That led to me putting away stuff he had given me, which led to massive depression and crying, which led to me returning to my couch and watching 324789 more hours of TV. And that was all within 10 minutes. I only got through a song and a half on my cleaning music.

Then I’ve been pretty constantly terrified for no discernable reason. He just texted me to let me know that he’s leaving on a business trip, and that terrifies me (again for no discernable reason). Except that it’s contact with him and I don’t know what that means. He says we’ll talk when he gets back, and that scares me. I don’t know how to handle talking to him. I know I don’t have to talk to him when he gets back, but I’ll have to talk to him eventually, if only to see if he wants to buy some stuff he was going to before and to figure out how to exchange stuff. (Ah, and now we are back to the familiar ground of near tears.)

And I say I want this all to be over, but that’s not entirely true either. Because once it’s done, it’s really done. It will really be over. And I don’t know how to deal with that.

Drowning

I woke up this morning, terrified. Of course, a part of that might be because I was dreaming that I was wandering outside around a pool and there was all this water and Cassie was following me and then she vanished into the pool and I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to save her. It was really deep pool and she was sitting at the bottom, looking at me, all "Please help me." But as soon as I woke up, I petted her (she was sleeping on a book next to me), and then was scared. Scared about not having him in my life. Scared about losing him and having him move on and never getting him back. I miss him. I want him back. I want him to call and say that he wants to be with me and... And instead he's going to move on and meet other people and I don't want that.

Fighting

I wish he had fought for me. I understand why... no, no, I don't. What happened? I think back a few years ago, and he loved me so much. And now? Why won't he fight for me? I fought for him. I would still have, but it doesn't make sense. I'd been saying that I needed a Barney (Barney teaches Marshall how to date again), and now after seeing the episode where Barney goes to visit Lily in San Francisco and tells her she is being stupid and Marshall is great, I think I need a Barney even more. I hope that his next few relationships are empty and he realizes that he let something amazing go. It's hard for me to not start to feel bad about myself. I'm resisting it, but a part of me keeps trying to think that if I had been better, this wouldn't have happened. I mean, my main unhappiness in the relationship was that he started pulling away and wasn't as loving as he was before. If he still loved me like that...

Wilted

I wish I could fight for him. I do and I would in a heartbeat. But how can I? How can I fight someone who so nicely and sweetly looked at me, and said, "sorry, but no thanks. I can't see a future." How can I respect myself, how can I deal with that feeling of knowing that he stayed with me out of pity? But then... I don't know. I feel like eventually he should come to his senses, and that when he does, he'll come running back. Would I take him back? Right now, the answer would unequivocally be yes. Well, it would depend on how he put it. I mean, if he's coming back to avoid the pain we're both going through, that wouldn't be enough. If he came back because he realized he was making a monumental mistake and now knew that he should be with me and he would never find anyone better for him, then it would be easy.

I miss him so freaking insanely much and hate all of this. I feel so impotent. There isn't anything I can do. All I can do is keep going, get dressed every day, try to eat somewhat regularly, get some sleep, and make sure I have my regular cries. I can't deal with trying to change my entire world view, my life plan. I have been a part of an "us," a "we" for so long. And I liked that. I love him and I loved being in a relationship with him. Now I am a lonely "I." He was my support system, and a part of all of my plans. I could count on him. It was safe and comfortable and lovely. It's not just the future, though. It was the past. All the shared moments, the "remember whens" and now? Now I have to say those things to myself. It's all gone now. How do I manage this? I've now been to two parties and been out a couple of times, and all the time it's not fun for me. He's still there, still peeking through all my thoughts, making me wish that I were with him.

I did get a beautiful (if belated) purse from misskate, and that made me smile. Plus she has loaned me some more distracting tv, thoroughly necessary since I'm almost through all my "How I Met Your Mother...."