Tuesday, January 06, 2009

A mixed bag

I've been feeling strange lately. Lots and lots of swinging from highs to lows for very little reason. I will go from being sure that at least 5 guys in a thirty-foot radius are looking at me to being sure that I won't ever find someone new and that I'm destined to be alone and no one is ever going to want to be with me. Plus I totally thought I beat this adorable girl at Whit's wedding, but I didn't and that made me sad.

I also thought I was over being angry. Sitting at my church at home over Christmas, I felt calm. Peaceful. Understanding. I still have residue of that. I did actually do something kind for him. If he gets my email with the necessary info. Which he probably won't, because he probably changed all his contact info to avoid having to ever deal with me again. But I'm not. I'm over being angry about stuff in the relationship. But I'm pissed at how he has treated me since. This silence? It's basically a "fuck you." Oh, I'm sure he has some sort of justification in his mind, but I don't care. I don't care if he's hurting or if he's scared. Grow a pair, put on your big boy pants, and deal with the world you've created. I'm just disgusted with how he's acted. Especially since I've been watching a ton of Gilmore Girls (yay for the entire series on DVD!!) and even Dean at 17 acted more mature.

Sigh. At least Christmas was relatively lovely. There was a travel debacle and I'm going to try to boycott Continental for their abominable treatment of my brother and sil, but it was mostly nice. Especially considering that I had absolutely no Christmas spirit this year. I mean, none. I've never felt so little. I mean the Christmas Eve service got to me (it always does), but... I have also had the realization that a. I don't care what people I went to high school think of me, and b. I'd rather not see any of them unless I'm trying and willing to see them. I did get to see Haley, who debates religion with me and with whom I will never agree on some of the points, but whom I still love. The debates might be fruitless, but it's okay because we still agree on major points (Christianity is based in love; hating people because you disagree with parts of their life is stupid) and because we're okay disagreeing. I don't leave there frustrated; I did leave exhausted, though. Debating until late at night is TIRING. I do think I'm going to love her next cd, though, especially since it's a break-up cd... I should demand she get in the studio ASAP.