Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Dissertation on Love

I had a lovely chat with Emily last night. We, not surprisingly, wound up talking about relationship stuff (there was much awwing on my part. New relationships are just so cute!). I realized this morning, some of what I said might have been a bit bitter. Which is also not entirely surprising, considering the morass SB and I are still in the middle of. But it's not really what I think or feel.

We were talking about being in new relationships and how some personality types, such as me, can put entirely too much pressure on it. I remember a few days/weeks into SB's and my relationship trying to analyze if what I felt was what I should be feeling, if it all meant anything, if he was "the one." I mean, I hardly knew him. We hadn't spent hardly any time together, not really, and I was already trying to figure out if we should get married? Was I crazy?! (The answer to that was and is undoubtedly yes.) But the problem is, society and tv abound with examples of people falling madly in love immediately and knowing someone is the person they are supposed to be with within a few weeks. I'm not saying that there aren't examples of this happening, that I don't know people who have this happen. But I don't think I'm the personality type to let it. (Neither is CW, who, as she puts it, is "not sappy.") I'm too analytical, always examining everything that is happening to try and decide what it means. It's hard for me to just let go and be in the moment. But I think having doubts can be a good thing, too. It makes you examine things. It's like having doubts about your faith; questioning can point out the flaws, but in doing so, it makes faith stronger. I wonder if people who never doubt their relationship, especially in the beginning, examine it, or if they wind up later having doubts because they fell in so quickly.

The bitterness aspect comes in in that when we were talking about doubts, I said that I thought everyone has them (which I still maintain is true, at least at some point in the relationship). Emily responded that she knew x, y, and z who fell head over heels and were insanely happy together. I said I didn't think I was that type of person. And I don't know that I am. And that's what sounds bitter, but I don't think it is, not really. I think it's just a different type of love. Or maybe it's the same kind, but I'm afraid of letting myself feel what I feel, so I hide it from myself. Which is a distinct possibility. I remember reading something somewhere about people who, rather than feel everything as deeply as they actually do, try to suppress it to avoid being completely overwhelmed all the time. Of course, I can't remember where I read it, even what type of media, but oh well. I liked it, nonetheless. Either way, I don't think either way is better, just being completely sure is easier at the outset.

Monday, April 30, 2007

A Birthday wrap-up

First of all, I would like to thank everyone for their birthday wishes. I had voicemails from 9:06 on, plus emails and facebook comments and whatnot. It was lovely. As for my birthday itself, it was pretty good. Not the most stellar birthday ever, primarily because of how many things are up in the air, but pretty good. I got a lovely necklace from my parents, plus a drawing of my elementary school and some kind of fun class from my mom. I need to find out about the pricing on the fun class, although first I need to finish my weaving. My brother and s.i.l. got me a craft magazine subscription and a "Reasons to Cancel Your Subscription: the Worst of NPR Programming" cd, which I'm sure shall be quite entertaining. SB got me some rather nice earrings and matching hair clips... I also bought myself some yarn and earrings. Plus my parents flew up here for my birthday. I haven't driven that much in one weekend in a while... We went out to Luray Caverns and up to Annapolis and out to Manassas twice to get and return my dad to his plane. I went through a whole tank of gas and bumped my car up into the 18000 mile range. Yes, I know. I don't drive that much.

After seeing an article in the Post about sexual harassment of female bloggers, I'm starting to be happy that I'm not that popular. Which actually tied into a dream where no one liked me and in fact, everyone was mad at me and I was just hovering in the background. I've had very strange dreams recently, in part, I think, because of the heat in my apartment. See, they haven't yet turned on the air in my building and my apartment for some strange reason retains heat like none other. Therefore, my apartment has been miserably hot for the past week or two. Like 80-85 degrees at night. It's insane. But yes. So I shall take the lack of readers here as a good thing.