Friday, January 19, 2007

Repressed dreams

I really had the best intentions of updating yesterday. Sadly for the great numbers of you who read this (and by great, I mean like 5), blogger was being a complete and utter pain and I was unable to. That and I was too lazy and tired later on to get back online at home on my stolen internet.

I had a dream a couple of nights about an old crush of mine. It was very bittersweet, a dream in which I knew that the crush and I could have had a good relationship, but I was with SB and I wasn't about to give up what I have with him. I of course told SB about it, since I tend to tell him most things, especially little things that might make him jealous. He, of course, was not thrilled about it. And to be perfectly honest, neither was I. Not because the dream "told" me anything in particular, but because I couldn't understand why this guy would keep resurfacing from my subconcious.

Bit of background info: This guy and I had a pretty decent flirtation going for several months. He, however, never actually asked me out, and I, for a number of personal and psychological reasons, refused to ask him out. Then I met SB, with whom things moved rather quickly, and that was that. Crush later started dating someone else, a girl of whom I was not fond. I always wondered why he could ask her out, but not me.

So, while thinking about my dream the other night, I had an epiphany. See, before SB, I never really dated much. I've been told that I can be intimidating to guys, which both bothers and frustrates me. I mean, really. Give me a break. Yes I am strong and intelligent and like to debate and I definitely don't wear my heart on my sleeve. But I am also funny and sweet and shy and fiercely loyal, some of which comes out after like five minutes of talking to me, and if a guy is so easily intimidated and can't see beyond that, then we probably wouldn't have a great relationship anyways. Knowing that in my head, though, doesn't mean that the lack of dates was not hard on me. As soon as I got upset or depressed or lonely, I started blaming myself, wondering why I wasn't worth the risk of rejection. SB has done his best to rid me of these types of thoughts, but they don't disappear that easily, much to his chagrin. So I think my former crush has come to represent all of those negative feelings and experiences. I don't want to be with anyone but SB, but I want other people to want to be with me.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007


I think it's interesting that, for someone who so rarely looks polished and who so rarely looks fashionable, I have a highly developed sense of style. Now that might sound both strange and snotty. It's true, though. I know what I like, I know why I like it, and I can spot what's wrong with an outfit in under a minute. I blame/thank my mother, as a seamstress, and my college roommate for this ability. My college roommate used to challenge me. "What's wrong with that person's outfit?" she'd ask. "They're wearing two different types of plaid, one which is navy-based and the other which is black," I would quickly respond. (Not that anyone couldn't do this. I mean, really. Multiple plaids? How could you miss that?) My mom's teaching was more subtle and less purposeful. Mainly, if I wanted clothes that I liked, I had to learn what I liked and didn't like about how things fit. I blame my current lack of apparent fashion on this. Everything I try on, I think, "Wow. This would look great if the waist was half an inch higher." Or, "Man. This looks like crap. Look at how badly it fits me around the neck. If I'm paying x-amount of dollars for something, I want something that fits me correctly." So in despair, I wear whatever and aim for comfort rather than fashion. And I may or may not still be sabotaging myself. Whatever.

All this fashion-judgment came out with the Golden Globes. There were so few dresses that I didn't think, "Well, if this had been changed, it would be great." Jennifer Lopez's was one of those few. Man, she looked hot. But most... Well, they left something to be desired. And why is it that all strapless dresses look like they are about to fall off? If they were pulled up just one or two more inches, they'd look great. But NO. We have to show as much cleavage as possible, so we double-tape the dresses on and hope for the best. It's nearly as bad as the current "tuck your pants into your boots" craze, only beaten by the coulotte pants and knee-highs. I mean, really. What is the purpose? No one looks good in that combo. It makes you look like your legs are funny lengths. Give it up, people. Accept that the designers are crazy, stop buying so much into fads for the sake of fads, and buy clothes that actually look good on you. Now, if only I could find some that I can afford...