Saturday, May 30, 2009

The anger remains the same

So even though I've moved on. Even though I've taken what I learned and made a list of my new ideal (it's a good list. I'll talk about it later), I'm still kind of pissed. I made the mistake tonight of having a martini, which eventually led me to look at his FB page. He's added a picture of him looking all happy. Dumbass. I shouldn't be upset. All of my pictures on FB are of me happy. And several are of me with other guys. Of course, he's going to put up a picture of him being happy, but it reminds me that he is having a life without me. Of course I'm having a life without him. I do wish I had the hotter pictures of me. Sadly, most of them are in my friends' hands. I just hope that he knows I have nothing but disdain for him and his actions, especially since we broke up.

I have taken stuff from that relationship to realize what I really want from a relationship. Some of it, he provided. I loved the way he cared for me, kissed my forehead, tried to incorporate my dreams into our supposed future. Despite my anger about how things wound up, I do recognize that he did provide a lot of what I needed. But he always claimed that he couldn't be as exciting as what I wanted. I think he may have been right. Not in the way he meant. But he never wanted to do anything. It was a major effort to get him to leave either of our apartments. And God forbid I wanted to go to a party or out with my friends. He never wanted to do any of that. Or even things that we could do as a couple. I had to think of them all, and he was never enthusiastic about anything that took any energy. I want someone who is willing to go on a hike, or go out, or go to my friends' parties. It's not like I want to ALWAYS do that. But sometimes. So here is my list:

1. can make me laugh.
2. can help me take myself less seriously.
3. is willing to be social.
4. is willing to plan things to do.
5. will actually follow through on plans.
6. will help me to be more active than I would be normally.

See? It's not such a horrible list, although there may be a few more. (I'd like someone taller than I am, and someone who has a relatively strong faith.)

Sunday, May 24, 2009

The End All Over Again

It has now been a little over a week since I officially earned my masters. I've been surprised by how exhausted I am. I mean, sleeping tons, having a hard time getting motivated to do anything... I do feel better about it all, though, since I talked to one of my friends last night and she said she went through that when she got her masters. Actually, she said it took her three months to start feeling totally normal. So a couple of exhausted weeks is probably not such a big deal.

The ceremony itself was... interesting. It was weird sitting in the room beforehand, knowing that a. I'll never be with all of those people in the same room again and b. I'll probably never see some of them again. Some of them I'm sad about, and some of them not so much. Which isn't to say that I disliked them, but that there are several that I'm kind of indifferent towards. But still strange. The ceremony itself... dear God, it was hot. Every time the sun came out, I about died. And of course, I didn't want to have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the ceremony, so I hadn't had much water and by the end was rather headachey.

It was lovely to have my immediate family here. There was some back and forth about the travel plans, which always throws my mom a little off and made her worried and naggy. I felt kind of bad, because by Saturday night I was a little snappy and snapped at my dad, when really it was my mom who had worn me down. "Are you sure we should do this, are you sure we shouldn't do this, what about this, why haven't you fixed this, you know you could do something about this..." I know that she likes to have everything planned out and that she doesn't know the area and therefore has to just have to trust me. I also realized over the course of the weekend that I react much better to requests phrased some ways over others.

Then my mom and dad and I went over to West Virginia. It was pretty much exactly what I needed. Slow, relaxed. I spent hours in the hot tub, reading and thinking and processing. I think it helped me to finally get to the point of acceptance with the whole break-up. I mean, I still think about it, but... I'm over it. I LOVED seeing all the stars. You can never really see the stars here. There... so many. It was gorgeous. We didn't have cell phone coverage, though, which kind of bothered me. with everything around my future all in the air, I don't like to be out of contact. Not that it made any difference. Though one of my friends is really pushing for her job to hire me. We'll see. It'd be great, though.