Monday, September 14, 2009

A year later

It’s hard to believe it’s been a year. 365 days since I’ve seen someone who was so much a part of my life for so long. Someone who was my absolute best friend, someone who knew things I’d never told anyone else. Someone who also drove me absolutely crazy, who would ignore me when I needed reassurance, sit there silently or, even worse, fall asleep, when I was upset, and who made me feel so unimportant so many times. Someone who yelled at me for being an inconvenience when I had sacrificed to be somewhere to support him, who so often wouldn’t make the effort when an activity was important to me, and who repeatedly stole my joy and excitement.

This weekend was a strange one, in part because my friend decided to tell me that she had seen him. with another girl. on a boat cruise in Annapolis. I’m not going to say that it didn’t hurt, just like I won’t deny that I still miss him sometimes. Actually, it felt like being hit in the stomach. Repeatedly. And then it made me nervous, which was unexpected. Hurt, I get. But her telling me this ruined the hopeful illusion I had created for myself that I will never run into him. That he has vanished from my life for good. It’s not like I didn’t expect him to move on. I would and will have no problem with dating someone when I meet someone I’m interested in. And I’m not really surprised that he found someone first. For all that I wanted to be the first one in a new relationship, I’m also the picky one.

And after some advice and love from my wonderful knitting friends (both in real life and online), I restabilized myself and am cleansing my mind of him. I mean, I am in so much better of a place now than I was when I was with him, especially towards the end. I’m calmer, saner, happier, less stressed (or at least only stressed by outside circumstances, like moving and starting a new job). We were good together, but I’m looking forward to finding someone I’m better with. No, I’m not just looking forward. I’m excited. I just hope it happens soon, since I’m also not particularly patient.