Wilted

I wish I could fight for him. I do and I would in a heartbeat. But how can I? How can I fight someone who so nicely and sweetly looked at me, and said, "sorry, but no thanks. I can't see a future." How can I respect myself, how can I deal with that feeling of knowing that he stayed with me out of pity? But then... I don't know. I feel like eventually he should come to his senses, and that when he does, he'll come running back. Would I take him back? Right now, the answer would unequivocally be yes. Well, it would depend on how he put it. I mean, if he's coming back to avoid the pain we're both going through, that wouldn't be enough. If he came back because he realized he was making a monumental mistake and now knew that he should be with me and he would never find anyone better for him, then it would be easy.

I miss him so freaking insanely much and hate all of this. I feel so impotent. There isn't anything I can do. All I can do is keep going, get dressed every day, try to eat somewhat regularly, get some sleep, and make sure I have my regular cries. I can't deal with trying to change my entire world view, my life plan. I have been a part of an "us," a "we" for so long. And I liked that. I love him and I loved being in a relationship with him. Now I am a lonely "I." He was my support system, and a part of all of my plans. I could count on him. It was safe and comfortable and lovely. It's not just the future, though. It was the past. All the shared moments, the "remember whens" and now? Now I have to say those things to myself. It's all gone now. How do I manage this? I've now been to two parties and been out a couple of times, and all the time it's not fun for me. He's still there, still peeking through all my thoughts, making me wish that I were with him.

I did get a beautiful (if belated) purse from misskate, and that made me smile. Plus she has loaned me some more distracting tv, thoroughly necessary since I'm almost through all my "How I Met Your Mother...."