I really had the best intentions of updating yesterday. Sadly for the great numbers of you who read this (and by great, I mean like 5), blogger was being a complete and utter pain and I was unable to. That and I was too lazy and tired later on to get back online at home on my stolen internet.
I had a dream a couple of nights about an old crush of mine. It was very bittersweet, a dream in which I knew that the crush and I could have had a good relationship, but I was with SB and I wasn't about to give up what I have with him. I of course told SB about it, since I tend to tell him most things, especially little things that might make him jealous. He, of course, was not thrilled about it. And to be perfectly honest, neither was I. Not because the dream "told" me anything in particular, but because I couldn't understand why this guy would keep resurfacing from my subconcious.
Bit of background info: This guy and I had a pretty decent flirtation going for several months. He, however, never actually asked me out, and I, for a number of personal and psychological reasons, refused to ask him out. Then I met SB, with whom things moved rather quickly, and that was that. Crush later started dating someone else, a girl of whom I was not fond. I always wondered why he could ask her out, but not me.
So, while thinking about my dream the other night, I had an epiphany. See, before SB, I never really dated much. I've been told that I can be intimidating to guys, which both bothers and frustrates me. I mean, really. Give me a break. Yes I am strong and intelligent and like to debate and I definitely don't wear my heart on my sleeve. But I am also funny and sweet and shy and fiercely loyal, some of which comes out after like five minutes of talking to me, and if a guy is so easily intimidated and can't see beyond that, then we probably wouldn't have a great relationship anyways. Knowing that in my head, though, doesn't mean that the lack of dates was not hard on me. As soon as I got upset or depressed or lonely, I started blaming myself, wondering why I wasn't worth the risk of rejection. SB has done his best to rid me of these types of thoughts, but they don't disappear that easily, much to his chagrin. So I think my former crush has come to represent all of those negative feelings and experiences. I don't want to be with anyone but SB, but I want other people to want to be with me.
4 comments:
I hate the "you're intimidating" excuse, too. In high school I never dated since none of the guys I liked liked me back. In these past few years I've been hit on by every skeevy loser on the street, but never approached by someone who I found nice and attractive. People tell me "because you're intimidating!" It hurts to hear that, because my translation of it is "you're not worthy enough for a nice and attractive guy." Sucks.
Exactly! Most of the guys who hit on me are... interesting... and usually a bit dirty or possibly crazy. In high school, most of the guys I liked wound up dating my friends. And I think your translation is wrong, but I completely understand how you feel. I always think, "yeah, I may be intimidating, but surely if they wanted me enough, they could overcome that."
I’m starting to think that when people tell me that I “intimidate guys” they are only saying it because they don’t know what else to say. This leads me to wonder about what is really going on. Are guys just a shy and cowardly lot? Am I clueless to the more subtle attention of normal guys as opposed to the overt attention of the…interesting…ones? Am I not very encouraging? I really think that “you intimidate guys” is one of those clichés like “it’s not you, it’s me.” It just hasn’t been identified as such.
Maybe we should just rephrase the whole question to be, "what is wrong with the guys if they are so easily intimidated?" Because Emily, you are one of like the 6 or 7 girls that I know that I can't understand why you aren't getting asked out all the time. And then I see the girls who are and I, not to be mean, just don't get it. It's like the whole Sarah phenomenon. I loved Sarah to death, but why did nearly every guy in CSF drift towards her? Maybe it's more that we talk to guys more like other guys and that confuses them? But we're pretty girly, so that doesn't seem right...
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