Whitney’s wedding was this weekend, and it was glorious. So perfect for them, although I seriously came close to hitting her for her worry over whether or not anyone was mad at her and if everyone was having a good time (Seriously, Whitney. They weren’t mad and they all had fun). It was so sweet seeing her and her new husband together. Neither of them are super PDA-y or anything, and she in particular can be kind of shy about showing emotions and stuff like that, but you could just see the happiness and love radiating. SO sweet. And it was also fun to spend time around her family, in part because it helps me to see why she is the way she is, and in part because I got to hear funny stories about her childhood. I gave a decent toast, although I forgot half the stuff I was going to say, and managed not to cry, either from sappy reasons or sad.
(It was kind of hard going back there; it’s where SB and I met and started dating and lots of the places have memories and echoes of him. Like we went to a winery that I LOVE and did a tasting and a tour which was awesome and it made me think of the time we went there and how I’d always planned on having their wine at our wedding and how his favorite wine from there is their soft red…)
The whole thing just reminded me of how much I adore Whitney. She really has taught me a lot about being a real person, how to accept me for myself, how to be full of joy. Basically, she = awesome. And she totally needs to move out here. I even saw an ad for a company trying to hire people like her husband…
There was kind of an interesting twist in that I made out with one of their friends after the reception. I know, it sounds horribly tacky and I was all “it has no appeal to me,” but… it happened anyways. I would feel guilty about the tacky aspect, but a. it’s Whitney and b. Whitney did everything she possibly could to cause it to happen (which is not to say she’s responsible, as I am a big girl and am in charge of my own actions). As for the having no appeal, it didn’t appeal to me, but it also intrigued me. I think I wanted to see what making out with someone randomly was like, and I think I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it, I could be a part of that world if I so choose. I mean, it’s one thing to say you don’t want to do something when in all honesty the opportunity to do so never comes ups. It’s another to have done it and then to turn down opportunities to do so in the future. Plus I’d never even kissed anyone else. I wanted to know what it was like. I also was hoping that it would help me to fully realize that it’s over.
That said, I don’t think it was wise. And not because of anything to do with anything more than my emotional state. Because now I miss SB more than ever. I had gone days without crying over him, but now… I feel like I somehow cheated on him or something, which I know is ridiculous, but still. And, let’s be honest, that’s a part of the reason I did it. I wanted to do something that I knew would hurt him if he found out, and a part of me is plotting ways for him to find out. It’s not a noble part of me, but he hurt me and I want to hurt him back. I don’t care that I’m sure this is hard on him too. I just don’t care. He chose that pain. I want to cause pain that I’ve chosen to cause. Again, not a part of me I like, but I can’t deny that it’s there. Which makes me not want to care even more. I don’t LIKE wanting to hurt someone, I don’t like feeling hurt. I just want to not be in love with him anymore. And Saturday night just reminded me that I still am.
5 comments:
I have to tell you, I have never been to a wedding where there was anyone who I could possibly make out with randomly or otherwise, so I am a little jealous in a way. I could totally go for a random make-out- or any make out for that matter. So please do me a favor, utilize every random make out that you can, for my make-out-less sake.
Also, both you and Whitney should move to Chicago. The end.
Chicago is totally a post-graduation option. In which case, you're totally teaching me archery.
And I was a little surprised. It helped that Whitney had totally made it her goal. I'm convinced she distracted herself from wedding stress by plotting strategies to get her single friends makeout partners at the reception. I can't guarantee that I'll take advantage of ANY random make-out opportunity (a girl's got to have standards) and they seem to rarely come up, but I'll do my best... :-) And if I do move to Chicago, you and I can go on the prowl.
Man, I need to go to a friend's wedding where the bride's goal is to get her friends make-out partners. Seriously.
I await prowling and archery... and you still need to teach me fencing.
I think Whitney is the only one I know of who would make that her goal. And since she's already had her one wedding, I don't think that option will come up again.
And I haven't forgotten. Though at this point, I haven't fenced myself since college. I could be a little rusty...
Well I haven't shot a bow in years. I'd be surprised if I could even hit the target bale at this point.
Maybe you and Whitney should both come to Chicago and we can employ her to find us a stream of make-out partners.
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