So I'm turning 30 this week. And I'm absolutely not freaking out except for when I am, and that varies with the times when I'm all "New decade is going to be badass." Which alternates with the times I'm all "YAY BIRTHDAYS," and the times when I'm all, "I DON'T HAVE TIME TO DEAL WITH ANY OF THIS BECAUSE WORK IS HARD," and the times when I laugh because I totally tested event functionality on one of our test sites by making a birthday event with a list of presents including ponies and unicorns. And then when I had to open tickets, I had to reference it and realized I was sending our developers to a page that included unicorns. And that's just funny, people. I hope they were as amused as I was. And that they build me a unicorn or a pony, because otherwise why are we paying them.
Tied into all of this is the fact that I have to write a speech (!) on my success (!!!!) to give at my high school honors banquet in two weeks. When I read that I should talk about my success, I laughed because I know where I work and what my job is and what I get paid, and I have to laugh about some of that or I cry with rage and frustration. Also I'm turning 30 and barring the people who started their own company and then sold it to Google, I don't know of many people at 30 who could talk about how successful they are. I think my success may be defined by the fact that I'm living outside of the state and can pay rent. Not a mortgage, because let's not get too crazy here, but I have yet to not make rent. Plus I have financed one out-of-country vacation, so I'm totally living high.
Both these events at once do mean that I am forced to think about where I am in my life, which is not all bad, but not all awesome, either. I mean, I had ideas about where I would be at this point. And it was not where I am. Which again isn't all bad. Life is confusing and different and I'd still rather be single than be with the wrong person. But I liked being in a couple. And I want kids. And at this point... I just don't know. I never meet anyone, when I do meet people, they either aren't interested or are dating someone or I'm not interested in them... I just wonder if it's ever going to happen, or if I should just try and move on to different dreams. And I know I'm not that old. But seriously. It's been an entire presidency since I've been single. Two election nights. Two inaugurations. It could be time to sublimate all of that into writing the great American novel, and get people to shut up about The Great Gatsby. I hate that book.
Which is not to say I am not closer to becoming who I want to be. Despite the many frustrations at work, I hear my boss say things like, "when you leave here to take over somewhere else," and I think, "I could do that. I could take over online strategy for an organization." I'm staying because I want another six months to a year of experience, although I'd stay longer depending on what my job turns into. I have a love/hate relationship with the fact that I'm apparently intimidating, because while it may hinder my love life, it sure as hell can be good for my career. I've gotten much more comfortable taking over conversations when I feel it's necessary and advocating for myself. And I like that. I feel all adult. Like I've been through a crucible and come out as someone who, while not completely adult, is a lot closer than I was a year ago.
But seriously. I expect a unicorn.
2 comments:
You'll do fine at your speech. I had to give a presentation recently in front of several hundred people and I rocked it. I read a book (actually I listen to audiobooks on my iPod mostly these days) which was really, really helpful called The Charisma Myth. It's got some great exercises for public speaking good luck!
Pete
Thanks... I'm sure it'll go well. You know, unless I freeze or forget the whole thing or accidentally cuss in front of a bunch of conservative southerners... I did have to do an oral presentation for grad school, so it can't be any worse than that. Probably.
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