Since the last REAL entry was rather depressing and dramatic, I HAVE to write a more recent one. NY was fun. I love NY, but there was entirely too much family bonding. I almost died. After spending six days with my parents, mainly my dad, I was picturing throwing stuff at them, mainly my dad... And Philly sucks. It's so boring. No atmosphere. And it finally hit me that my parents, mainly my mom, are old and don't understand youth. Though she at least liked the cute little cafe that scared my dad and Matt. But things like how people could eat dinner at ten o' clock and go to bed late and still get to work in the morning. We went to see Ground Zero, which was odd... It just seemed like a big construction site; it was almost completely cleaned up. The financial district, though, was creepy. It seemed haunted, even though the streets were full of people. I kept seeing scenes from 9-11.
Well, now I get to go escape my parents by going to Knoxville and seeing Dana. YAY!

New York and Philadelphia, here I come!!! Watch out! :-)

Talked to Emily today. Happiness!
Well, I had an interesting conversation with Peggy. Not really, but one part was kind of disastrous. Wasn't REALLY her fault, though I could try and make her feel guilty in retaliation for her snide comment in her journal...:-) Have I mentioned what a vindictive bitch of a child I was? Cutest child you will ever see, but man, could I be mean. Anyway, she asked a rather innocent question, if I've ever really had a boyfriend, which, due to my mood and the fact that I'm PMSing (at least I hope I am. Otherwise I have no excuse for either the inexplicable irritation with my parents or the cookies that I HAD to have), sent me in a downward spiral down into the boggy mires of my inner soul. Wasn't that nice and poetic? okay, in real terms, the fact that I had to answer no reminded me of old insecurities. As soon as I got into my room, depressing thoughts began to float around. Thoughts that I have been fighting since freshman year of high school. Thoughts like no wonder I can't get a boyfriend, who would want to date me, etc. Well, I decided that since I was depressed anyway, I would have a nice little cry to clean out my emotion system and started trying to make myself more depressed. And that led to an odd little discovery. While I can make myself very depressed and have a lot of insecurities, there are a few things that I know aren't true and can't even pretend that I believe them in the name of depression. Like I was like, look at me. And I have my physical flaws, which of course I went over. But then I thought, I'm ugly. And I don't believe that. Immediately this little voice of reason in my head said, "Liar!" Not that I'm the most beautiful person either. As David so nicely stated for me, I am 'professionally pretty'. Aka, I'm the type of girl you'd want to work with, not date. Grr... I could KILL him for that statement. Not that I didn't know this. But I didn't need him to state it.
But I'm okay now. Got over it. Fell asleep and woke up feeling better.

Yay for Michelle's birthday!!! Now she can officially do everything except rent a car!! [does a little excited dance] :-)
Okay. Weird dream occurence only shortly after I declared they had stopped. This one was about school, the beginning of the year when everyone is moving back in. Only it wasn't really Smith. but it was. I was looking for all my friends because I (obviously) wanted to see them, but I couldn't find them. I couldn't read the tags on the doors. It was odd. Okay, it doesn't sound that odd, but it was. You just had to be there. In my dream. Though some of you were... ;-) (and NO. Not like that.)
Yes the randomness that I have fostered for so long has taken over in a coup d'etat. It was forced to take over my mind in order to keep sanity from fleeing in boredom. (Have you noticed that I'm bored?)
I'm avoiding doing crafts right now. I have officially been asked by Mary, a family friend and last summer's slave driver, if I would come out like once per camp and help with crafts. Which will be kind of fun, if a bit sad. It's weird for me to think about not going to camp. I've been every summer since I finished third grade.It's been a rather large part of my summers. Ah... the memories come flooding back. The last time I really cried in front of people was at camp. Anyway, the only thing is that I have to do all the sample crafts and get like a hundred or two plastic lacing things started. And THEN I'll have to teach people how to do them. Now, for those of you without lacing experience, lacing is fun. It is. But TEACHING lacing is hell. Especially in large groups. It makes me tired to think of it...

Well, weird dreams have somewhat died down. Which is good and bad. They were interesting, if very odd and very random.
I had forgotten how not fun it is to be burned. Amy and I laid out on Saturday. It was nice and relaxing and I was looking forward to having non-glaring white legs. Well, now they aren't glaring white. They are a pleasant pink color. Along with my back, my knees, my shoulders. Essentially, moving hurt. I could hardly stand to wear clothes, in particular a bra, Saturday night. Luckily, my friends are for the most part not in town and I have no life, so I managed not to move or wear a bra.
Reading other people's online journals disturbs me. Not that I don't like to know what is going on in my friends' lives and heads. I do. But Emily's makes me want to go to England as a student, reviving the whole dilemma in my head and heart. Peggy's. Peggy's really confuses me. I understand how she feels about the whole what should she do question. I have no idea. Writing appeals to me, but I think I suck. Like the competition I entered. I'm just waiting to get the email saying that I didn't win. I can't even imagine placing. Plus I have no real motivation. And I don't know if I could stand having such an insecure lifestyle. Unless Peggy finds TWO great, funny, intelligent, cute, and importantly rich and gives me one. But her conflict makes me jealous for some reason. I don't understand why it should, except for the fact that in my mind, she's more talented and more likely to actually sell her artwork and writing.

Bored, bored, bored. I feel like my brain is rotting. Anyway, every once in a while a sermon is just what you need to hear. Not often. That kind of happened on Sunday. As in it was what I needed to hear, but it's easy to hear, not to believed. I find myself in an odd state in which I've actually given up on a dream. It may only be temporary (God, I hope it's only temporary). But it's not easy. The fact that I'm slightly hormonal hasn't helped. It's only made me want to cry all the time. Sigh.
OH, have now decided that I officially have the most random things happen to me. I was at the gym today. Working out, gross, not really wanting to see people I know. And I was doing these little leg/hip/ass things on a machine and this girl asks me if she knows me. I had never seen her before the gym. She knew my name. Apparently, she remembered me from my senior year (she was a freshman) at the awards banquet. Where, to be honest, I did win a lot of awards. But still. It was two and a half years ago. And she remembers my name?! Remembers me enough to recognize me?! It was crazy. Though now I feel like a bit of an important personage in little old Cleveland. I think I may have been a bit of a role-model for her. (and yes, I am aware that that sounds pompous. When someone remembers you from one night two years ago, you can too.)
I helped tonight with a program designed to teach adults English. It's pretty cool. It forces me to think about the way english really works. and it's crazy. It also just makes me feel good. Here are nice people really trying. And I get to help them.

Massive headaches suck. Anyway, I just came back from the mall. I had to get my dad's father's day present. I hate shopping for him. He has so few hobbies/interests that I can't find anything cool for him. Then I can't remember what I've gotten him before, so I'm scared to buy something that I might have given him before. That's probably why I have a headache now. Was hit on by a really creepy trucker in the mall. So the rest of the time I was in the mall, I was constantly looking around to make sure I didn't see him again. Sigh. That's what I get for being so damn sexy. That only weird guys hit on me. Resigh.
Last night I went with my parents to see Nickel Creek at Riverbend. It was fun except we had to sit on a really steep hill and that really made my ass hurt. Chris Theele, the kind of cute mandolin player, was cracking me up. He wants to be a rockstar so bad, dancing around and acting like a guitar player. It was amusing. And I've finally realized that the reason I don't like some concerts is because there is nothing to keep my mind occupied. My dad, who has been driving me up the wall lately, made us stay for a little of a jazz band. The treble was so loud that anytime the brass played, I had to cover my ears. Literally. Chris Theele jumped in on that band, too. I've decided that the little emode's quiz about what time party person you are is definitely right. I'm an observer. The only thing that kept me mildly interested for the two fifteen minute pieces that we listened to was watching the intergroup dynamics and how the addition of Chris messed them up. That was entertaining. You could see how they thought of him as a kid. An incredibly talented kid. A kid who's probably better at his instrument now than they will ever be.

Ahhh!!! There's one problem with working out. Being sore. Now, I don't really mind being sore. It makes me feel like I've accomplished something besides wasting an hour and a half. But the problem lies in where I'm sore. I made the mistake of exercising my pecs. Since my pecs are in the same general area, and in fact rather beneath other things like breasts, everytime they move (and there is NO bra that prevents all movement), I get a nice little shock of pain. It's just lovely...
I finally got to see Spiderman. I know, I know. It's been out for a month. But I knew my parents wanted to see it. And if I go with them, they pay. It's worth the eight dollars to go with them. Anyway, I loved it and have now decided that Tobey Maguire is the perfect guy. I've discovered that I like bad boys (oooooohhhhhh.... like Spike... and Lex) or really good guys. It's an odd combination.
Well, Matt's in Boston. He actually somewhat has a real job, working as a free-lance correspondent for the Boston Globe. I'm happy for him. Really, I am. But I seriously was going to jump out a window, or maybe a moving car, if I heard my mom talk about it for one more minute. She likes to discuss things that she knows nothing about. Repeatedly. Redundantly. Talking in circles. Over and over again. ;-)

Find it amusing that Peggy keeps quoting me. It almost makes it worth it to talk to her... ;-)
We went to downtown Chattanooga with Mary and David tonight. They wanted to see Matt before he left. It was fun, but made me want a boyfriend. Let me explain that... Downtown Chattanooga is really cute. There is a park right by the river with restaurants and shops on the edge and a bridge over the river. We went walking over hte walking bridge and around the park. It was warm and the sun was setting. There were flowers blooming near the paths and their scent filled the air. There was a slight breeze and as you walked over the bridge, you could see the lights of Chattanooga reflected in the water. In other words, it was a very romantic atmosphere. And while I love my parents, brother, and Mary and David, they're not exactly the people I'd prefer to be with in that situation. And no. I have no specific person in mind. Just someone... special. So now I'm in a wistfully romantic mood. At least I had Whitney's amusing one-line email to make me laugh.

okay. I feel a slight need to explain. I'm not HAPPY that Peggy doesn't have a job. The perfect situation would be for both of us to have a job. But I don't want to be the only one jobless and broke. And if that's selfish, so be it. Anyway, speaking of jobs... Barnes and Noble is hiring. Now whether or not they will be hiring me is another story. But I now have a probable back-up. And no, it's not the greatest back-up. I can babysit for the McCarleys. Babysitting is not my favorite thing, but there are some benefits. One, the McCarleys are nice and I've babysat them lots. Two, they have a pool, so I could finally get tan. Three, it would be easy to get time off for things like visiting New York and Cincinnatti (not quite in the same catagory, but still...). And four, money! I need money. Particularly before Riverbend, when my friends are going to want to go out to eat before going to the concerts. So, once I'm employed, I will get behind Peggy and support her with all that I have. Not that I wouldn't support her now. I would just have to support her while listening to a little voice in my head go "shit. Now I'm all alone in my joblessness"
Okay, that was suitable boring. In other news, Matt is driving me crazy. Since my mom has promised me not to nag, Matt has taken over. And he's a more annoying nager than my mom.grr... But I have to be nice since he's leaving soon. That and I'm sure he has good, if annoying intentions. Of course, if he doesn't back off, I may snap.
My house has been flooded with people. Worker people. But, they'll be done next Wednesday. No more having to get dressed to eat breakfast or know that people are watching you when you walk to the kitchen. And no, none of them that I have seen anyway have been cute. sigh.

Just want to point out the irony in my life. Am suffering from an allergic reaction. My tongue is swollen, my mouth itches, my eyes burn. And what am I allergic to, you ask? Clarinex. An allergy medicine.

YAY!! Just finished watching the Buffy season finale. It made me happy. WEll, the last scene especially. I even squealed. But I won't say anymore because I gave Whitney this link (if she hasn't lost it) and I know she hasn't seen any for a while.
Listened to my All-State cd.Damn, we were good. It made me miss being a part of a really good choir. I mean, All-East and All-State were so much fun. Intense, but fun. And I love singing hard music with people who can read dynamics and directors who actually made you. (for those of you not in the music world, all state is the top 300 singers from the state. You audition for your region, mine was all east. The judges give you scores, the top scores from each section get to go to all east, then the top people from all east go to all state). I've missed being out of the real music scene. Of course, I don't miss all the rejections, the not winning or even placing in competitions coupled wiht people telling you you're really good. Makes for confusion/doubt. And depression. Things I'm not a big fan of.
Went to see Star Wars: Episode II today. It was good. Definitely enjoyed it, though the whole changing of scenes abruptly and frequently got a bit old. I agree with Emily that Aniken had the dark broody thing going, but he was also really sulky. Reminded me of the bad thing about being a teen ager. which I don't really want to be reminded of. Though Obione Kanobi (and yes. I'm aware that I have no idea how to spell that) was kind of cute in an older, I'm going to save the universe and still be adorable way. And I now want a cloak.

Anyway, I'm back! Scary, I know. Matt's graduation was... long. It was nice, but long. Lots of Carolina blue. WAY too many relatives. You know you have too many people in a group when it takes twenty minutes to decide anything. I have decided, my parents can be very boring. We seriously talked about the stupidest things for WAY too long. Drank too much coffee. And am glad to be home, where I can escape from people.
It was odd. And kind of sad. We went to a dinner with the Wesley Foundation, a group Matt's been a part of (was even president of) and I could see how well he was liked. I couldn't help but be jealous. I've known for a long time that I was the smart one and Matt the popular. but there has always been a part of me that longs to be like him; the kind of person everyone is attracted to, wants to be friends with. The kind of person who is sought by others. I just feel like a social failure sometimes. Not that I don't have friends. I do. As you guys who are reading this know. But I know I'm not that type of person. And sometimes I hate that about myself.
Yeah, so I've been in a really weird mood lately. Keep swinging from bitter and cynical to pissed to easily amused to depressed. I hate hormones. I finally developed all my pictures from school. They're SO cute. And, for some reason, about ten minutes after I looked through them, they made me want to cry. Why? I have no idea. In fact, I think I'm going to go sleep. Try to snap myself out of this funk that I am in. Or I could work on the new story I started. (Yes. I actually started a new story. Oh, if anyone wants to read and comment on my old story- I might enter it in a competition, but want more feedback first- just email me.) It's about anorexia, so THAT should make me feel better (hint of sarcasm?)

The name of Rebecca creates a friendly, sociable, charming nature, but causes you to be too easily influenced by others. While you find it easy to meet and mix, and can appear agreeable and compromising in conversation, you can become dogmatic and forceful if pressed too far. Others learn that you cannot be told what to do and you seldom change your mind once it is made up. You prefer situations that allow a degree of independence, but are reluctant to take on a demanding work-load or responsibility. In a position dealing with the public, you could do well because of your friendly personality, interest in people, and desire to please. When asked, you are able to give others good advice that you would probably not follow yourself, but must guard against being too opinionated in controversial matters. The physical weaknesses due to this name centre in the fluids of the body and the senses of the head, causing headaches, eye, teeth, or severe sinus conditions; also, kidney or bladder weaknesses.
The name of Becca creates a restless, creative nature that takes you into many ventures, but does not allow you to see things through to a satisfactory completion. Yours is a versatile, musical, artistic, but independent nature and you must have the freedom to express your creative ideas and abilities to be happy. An urge for independence causes dissatisfaction and frustration in close relationships and you find the "ties that bind" restricting. The qualities of this name would find a more constructive outlet in work that involves high-pressure selling or promotional activities, possibly in community affairs, for it contains a positive, driving power. It is difficult for you to merge with others; although you have quickness of mind, you lack tolerance and can give way to impatience at another's slowness or shortcomings. If you cannot complete your plans when you wish to do so, you could suffer intense moods of depression and extreme sensitivity in the region of the solar plexus, resulting possibly in ulcers or nervous disorders. This name could take you into bitter experiences through impulsive action. You need more stability to find peace of mind, relaxation and happiness in life.
Oddly, my nickname is the one I think is the closest.
Your first name of Reebok has made you a sociable person who appreciates the beauties of nature and the refinements of life, and is moved by music and the arts. You are very idealistic and romantic within yourself and may have tried to express your beautiful thoughts through poetry or writing. Crudeness and vulgarity are very repulsive to you and you are very particular about little things. You suffer greatly with lack of confidence and self-consciousness. You crave affection and understanding, yet because you can be so easily and deeply hurt, you have learned to keep your true nature hidden; therefore people do not really know you. You always wonder if you are doing the right thing, desiring to express yourself but afraid to. People may consider you haughty and aloof because of your sensitivity and reserved ways. You may find some expression abut it would usually be light conversation, rarely daring to reveal your deeper thoughts or take others into your confidence for fear of criticism or ridicule. You have a very kind and gentle nature, and although you may be in a position in contact with the public, you will still be a lonely and reserved person. Thus, you live much within your own thoughts, often finding your escape in reading, which you love to do. This name could cause you to suffer through a sensitivity in the fluid functions, causing female disorders, swelling of the legs and ankles, or general blood debility. There is also a weakness in the region of the heart and respiratory organs.

Had strange, bizarre dream last night. I mean, talk about weird. I was at school, in Peggy and Whitney's room. They were there, along with a few other people from school. We were all there to watch Buffy (big surprise...;-)) Amy and Dana, two of my best friends from home, were there as well. But the REALLY weird thing was that Anna Colvard and Ryan Mauldin were there too. Now, I know none of you understand that, so let me explain. Anna was a friend in high school. Not a close friend. A girl I thought was really cool but didn't hang out with much. Haven't seen her since I graduated TWO YEARS AGO! But Ryan is definitely the oddest. Because Ryan was in my sixth grade class. He went to my high school (I think), but I obviously wasn't close to him. I don't think I've had a conversation with him since sixth grade. Why would he show up in my dream? I can understand my close friends; the whole "I'm trying to get rid of the close friends from home/ close friends from college dilima by combining both groups" thing. But Ryan and Anna? So not making sense. Though this is MY subconscious. Why should I expect more?
Went through my books today. I'm giving SO many away to a children's library. Mainly because I haven't ever cleaned out my books and suddenly realized that the 40 or so Saddle Club books I have really aren't necessary or even likely to be read again. It's kind of funny. I hope kids are still horse crazy; otherwise nobody's going to read my books. I've now managed to get rid of enough books that I can organize the books that I do have into some semblance of order (basically, I can see at least that there is more than one row, so I'll remember to look back there from time to time.)
Found out Barnes and Noble is hiring. Feel like sitting by the phone, waiting for them to call and offer me a job. (Yes, I did put in an application). If they don't call me, I'll call them... gag. I hate the phone.

From Peggy's journal: Like a womb for learning. Immutable. Vast. Repository for the mouldering heaps of thoughts collected by dead men and pressed into bindings crumbling with age. Comforting, terrifying, dichotymous.
Okay, dichotymous? Who uses dichotymous in a rambling rant that you post in an online diary. So, she may not always write about deep things, but still. I mean, DICHOTYMOUS!:-)
Love ya, Peggy.
Anyway, my parents keep wanting me to help them. Not that that's a horrible thing and I should hate them forever for it. But somehow, they always pick the times when I'm in the middle of something. Whichis impressive, since I really don't do anything. I hate the fact that I actually get a little annoyed. I know it's dumb and selfish, really I do. But...
Matt's graduation is in exactly a week. That's a little weird. Still don't have all of Matt's present. It'll be... interesting. I'll finally get to meet Ann's parents. They sound pretty cool, and since I'll probably be indirectly related to them by marriage, I hope I like them.

I have to say, everytime I read Peggy's journal, it makes me feel like what I write about is small, unimportant. Not that that's a bad thing on her part. She just has all these deep things that she writes about. Well, fine. Not ALWAYS. I guess it's good. Makes me think about deeper things. But I still probably won't write about them. That way, I can astound and surprise people who have forgotten how intelligent I really am... :-)
I hung out with Shannon and Amy today. Shannon didn't mention anything I'd written in here, which I feel like she would have, so I THINK she lost the link. Not that it matters if she did or didn't. I just like to know. It was fun hanging out with them, but it was odd, too. I felt like I had to self-edit more than I normally do. It's hard; we've all changed so much, yet somehow expect everything to stay the same. I know I've changed a lot. I almost feel like a different person. I look back at who I was in high school, hell, who I was last year and I've come so far. I'm so much stronger, more independent. I always hid how unsure a person I really was; now I feel like I'm more the person I was pretending to be, or maybe a person with the qualities I wanted. And I don't know how that fits with my high school friends, people I feel close to because of our past. But we're friends who don't even know each other well anymore. It's all very odd.
Oh yeah. My brief but passionate love affair with cookie dough is over, leaving me satisfied, but slightly nauseous. I know, I cheated on my one true love, my body pillow, but we've talked it out and it's okay with everything.

Craving physical contact. Well, specifically with a male. But I would accept cuddling with my friends in a completely non-sexual way. I watched Smallville tonight. Decided that Chloe should turn Clark down. She deserves better. But I missed Emily and Michelle. No EMily to grab my arm and cuddle with it. No Michelle to ooh in appreciation. It was sad.
I went and looked for a job today. I hate doing stuff like that. I feel so stupid. All "Please hire me" and whatnot. I applied at Bath and Body Works and got an application for Books A Million that I now have to fill out and take back. I really only want to work at Barnes and Noble, where I've already applied, but they aren't hiring for a couple more weeks. This sucks.

k. Apparently, while I've never considered myself a feminist, never really thought about it at all until the past year, I've been one for a really long time. My dad bought me a shirt that says I do it because I want to do it in reference to female pilots because it 'seemed like me'. Then my friend bought me a book. And you guys will love this. It's called Kiss my tiara: a guide for smart-mouth goddesses. And yes, you all can borrow it. and yes, it's highly amusing. And yes, I realize that highly and amusing don't really go together and I really don't care. But anyway, I find it odd that EVERYBODY knew before me. I guess it's just a part of who I am.

I love Peggy. Or at least her cd-making ability. I have been listening to Damn the Man lots. And lots... It's highly entertaining. And again, no one is online. I did get to enjoy reading the stuff with my new online book club.Posted randomly about how cool I am. Okay, so I lied a bit. :-)
It was kind of sad. THe other night, I was reading through my old diary. Yes, I do that sometimes just for kicks. Anyway, I found this one entry from the summer after Matt graduated. And it was talking about how at camp everyone started crying (and by everyone, I mean me and like one other girl) because people were leaving. And I realized that that was the last time I've REALLY cried in front of people. not like sad-movie crying. Actual I'm crying because my heart hurts and I have to crying. Now, to put this in perspective, Matt is going to graduate from college in like a week. So that would put this about four years ago. It's been FOUR years since I've cried in front of someone?!?! What the hell is wrong with me? Okay, don't answer that. It was just weird to realize that I have actually cried in front of people before. Yeah, random side-note. I'm bored and tired, what do you expect.