Find it amusing that Peggy keeps quoting me. It almost makes it worth it to talk to her... ;-)
We went to downtown Chattanooga with Mary and David tonight. They wanted to see Matt before he left. It was fun, but made me want a boyfriend. Let me explain that... Downtown Chattanooga is really cute. There is a park right by the river with restaurants and shops on the edge and a bridge over the river. We went walking over hte walking bridge and around the park. It was warm and the sun was setting. There were flowers blooming near the paths and their scent filled the air. There was a slight breeze and as you walked over the bridge, you could see the lights of Chattanooga reflected in the water. In other words, it was a very romantic atmosphere. And while I love my parents, brother, and Mary and David, they're not exactly the people I'd prefer to be with in that situation. And no. I have no specific person in mind. Just someone... special. So now I'm in a wistfully romantic mood. At least I had Whitney's amusing one-line email to make me laugh.

okay. I feel a slight need to explain. I'm not HAPPY that Peggy doesn't have a job. The perfect situation would be for both of us to have a job. But I don't want to be the only one jobless and broke. And if that's selfish, so be it. Anyway, speaking of jobs... Barnes and Noble is hiring. Now whether or not they will be hiring me is another story. But I now have a probable back-up. And no, it's not the greatest back-up. I can babysit for the McCarleys. Babysitting is not my favorite thing, but there are some benefits. One, the McCarleys are nice and I've babysat them lots. Two, they have a pool, so I could finally get tan. Three, it would be easy to get time off for things like visiting New York and Cincinnatti (not quite in the same catagory, but still...). And four, money! I need money. Particularly before Riverbend, when my friends are going to want to go out to eat before going to the concerts. So, once I'm employed, I will get behind Peggy and support her with all that I have. Not that I wouldn't support her now. I would just have to support her while listening to a little voice in my head go "shit. Now I'm all alone in my joblessness"
Okay, that was suitable boring. In other news, Matt is driving me crazy. Since my mom has promised me not to nag, Matt has taken over. And he's a more annoying nager than my mom.grr... But I have to be nice since he's leaving soon. That and I'm sure he has good, if annoying intentions. Of course, if he doesn't back off, I may snap.
My house has been flooded with people. Worker people. But, they'll be done next Wednesday. No more having to get dressed to eat breakfast or know that people are watching you when you walk to the kitchen. And no, none of them that I have seen anyway have been cute. sigh.

Just want to point out the irony in my life. Am suffering from an allergic reaction. My tongue is swollen, my mouth itches, my eyes burn. And what am I allergic to, you ask? Clarinex. An allergy medicine.

YAY!! Just finished watching the Buffy season finale. It made me happy. WEll, the last scene especially. I even squealed. But I won't say anymore because I gave Whitney this link (if she hasn't lost it) and I know she hasn't seen any for a while.
Listened to my All-State cd.Damn, we were good. It made me miss being a part of a really good choir. I mean, All-East and All-State were so much fun. Intense, but fun. And I love singing hard music with people who can read dynamics and directors who actually made you. (for those of you not in the music world, all state is the top 300 singers from the state. You audition for your region, mine was all east. The judges give you scores, the top scores from each section get to go to all east, then the top people from all east go to all state). I've missed being out of the real music scene. Of course, I don't miss all the rejections, the not winning or even placing in competitions coupled wiht people telling you you're really good. Makes for confusion/doubt. And depression. Things I'm not a big fan of.
Went to see Star Wars: Episode II today. It was good. Definitely enjoyed it, though the whole changing of scenes abruptly and frequently got a bit old. I agree with Emily that Aniken had the dark broody thing going, but he was also really sulky. Reminded me of the bad thing about being a teen ager. which I don't really want to be reminded of. Though Obione Kanobi (and yes. I'm aware that I have no idea how to spell that) was kind of cute in an older, I'm going to save the universe and still be adorable way. And I now want a cloak.

Anyway, I'm back! Scary, I know. Matt's graduation was... long. It was nice, but long. Lots of Carolina blue. WAY too many relatives. You know you have too many people in a group when it takes twenty minutes to decide anything. I have decided, my parents can be very boring. We seriously talked about the stupidest things for WAY too long. Drank too much coffee. And am glad to be home, where I can escape from people.
It was odd. And kind of sad. We went to a dinner with the Wesley Foundation, a group Matt's been a part of (was even president of) and I could see how well he was liked. I couldn't help but be jealous. I've known for a long time that I was the smart one and Matt the popular. but there has always been a part of me that longs to be like him; the kind of person everyone is attracted to, wants to be friends with. The kind of person who is sought by others. I just feel like a social failure sometimes. Not that I don't have friends. I do. As you guys who are reading this know. But I know I'm not that type of person. And sometimes I hate that about myself.
Yeah, so I've been in a really weird mood lately. Keep swinging from bitter and cynical to pissed to easily amused to depressed. I hate hormones. I finally developed all my pictures from school. They're SO cute. And, for some reason, about ten minutes after I looked through them, they made me want to cry. Why? I have no idea. In fact, I think I'm going to go sleep. Try to snap myself out of this funk that I am in. Or I could work on the new story I started. (Yes. I actually started a new story. Oh, if anyone wants to read and comment on my old story- I might enter it in a competition, but want more feedback first- just email me.) It's about anorexia, so THAT should make me feel better (hint of sarcasm?)

The name of Rebecca creates a friendly, sociable, charming nature, but causes you to be too easily influenced by others. While you find it easy to meet and mix, and can appear agreeable and compromising in conversation, you can become dogmatic and forceful if pressed too far. Others learn that you cannot be told what to do and you seldom change your mind once it is made up. You prefer situations that allow a degree of independence, but are reluctant to take on a demanding work-load or responsibility. In a position dealing with the public, you could do well because of your friendly personality, interest in people, and desire to please. When asked, you are able to give others good advice that you would probably not follow yourself, but must guard against being too opinionated in controversial matters. The physical weaknesses due to this name centre in the fluids of the body and the senses of the head, causing headaches, eye, teeth, or severe sinus conditions; also, kidney or bladder weaknesses.
The name of Becca creates a restless, creative nature that takes you into many ventures, but does not allow you to see things through to a satisfactory completion. Yours is a versatile, musical, artistic, but independent nature and you must have the freedom to express your creative ideas and abilities to be happy. An urge for independence causes dissatisfaction and frustration in close relationships and you find the "ties that bind" restricting. The qualities of this name would find a more constructive outlet in work that involves high-pressure selling or promotional activities, possibly in community affairs, for it contains a positive, driving power. It is difficult for you to merge with others; although you have quickness of mind, you lack tolerance and can give way to impatience at another's slowness or shortcomings. If you cannot complete your plans when you wish to do so, you could suffer intense moods of depression and extreme sensitivity in the region of the solar plexus, resulting possibly in ulcers or nervous disorders. This name could take you into bitter experiences through impulsive action. You need more stability to find peace of mind, relaxation and happiness in life.
Oddly, my nickname is the one I think is the closest.
Your first name of Reebok has made you a sociable person who appreciates the beauties of nature and the refinements of life, and is moved by music and the arts. You are very idealistic and romantic within yourself and may have tried to express your beautiful thoughts through poetry or writing. Crudeness and vulgarity are very repulsive to you and you are very particular about little things. You suffer greatly with lack of confidence and self-consciousness. You crave affection and understanding, yet because you can be so easily and deeply hurt, you have learned to keep your true nature hidden; therefore people do not really know you. You always wonder if you are doing the right thing, desiring to express yourself but afraid to. People may consider you haughty and aloof because of your sensitivity and reserved ways. You may find some expression abut it would usually be light conversation, rarely daring to reveal your deeper thoughts or take others into your confidence for fear of criticism or ridicule. You have a very kind and gentle nature, and although you may be in a position in contact with the public, you will still be a lonely and reserved person. Thus, you live much within your own thoughts, often finding your escape in reading, which you love to do. This name could cause you to suffer through a sensitivity in the fluid functions, causing female disorders, swelling of the legs and ankles, or general blood debility. There is also a weakness in the region of the heart and respiratory organs.

Had strange, bizarre dream last night. I mean, talk about weird. I was at school, in Peggy and Whitney's room. They were there, along with a few other people from school. We were all there to watch Buffy (big surprise...;-)) Amy and Dana, two of my best friends from home, were there as well. But the REALLY weird thing was that Anna Colvard and Ryan Mauldin were there too. Now, I know none of you understand that, so let me explain. Anna was a friend in high school. Not a close friend. A girl I thought was really cool but didn't hang out with much. Haven't seen her since I graduated TWO YEARS AGO! But Ryan is definitely the oddest. Because Ryan was in my sixth grade class. He went to my high school (I think), but I obviously wasn't close to him. I don't think I've had a conversation with him since sixth grade. Why would he show up in my dream? I can understand my close friends; the whole "I'm trying to get rid of the close friends from home/ close friends from college dilima by combining both groups" thing. But Ryan and Anna? So not making sense. Though this is MY subconscious. Why should I expect more?
Went through my books today. I'm giving SO many away to a children's library. Mainly because I haven't ever cleaned out my books and suddenly realized that the 40 or so Saddle Club books I have really aren't necessary or even likely to be read again. It's kind of funny. I hope kids are still horse crazy; otherwise nobody's going to read my books. I've now managed to get rid of enough books that I can organize the books that I do have into some semblance of order (basically, I can see at least that there is more than one row, so I'll remember to look back there from time to time.)
Found out Barnes and Noble is hiring. Feel like sitting by the phone, waiting for them to call and offer me a job. (Yes, I did put in an application). If they don't call me, I'll call them... gag. I hate the phone.

From Peggy's journal: Like a womb for learning. Immutable. Vast. Repository for the mouldering heaps of thoughts collected by dead men and pressed into bindings crumbling with age. Comforting, terrifying, dichotymous.
Okay, dichotymous? Who uses dichotymous in a rambling rant that you post in an online diary. So, she may not always write about deep things, but still. I mean, DICHOTYMOUS!:-)
Love ya, Peggy.
Anyway, my parents keep wanting me to help them. Not that that's a horrible thing and I should hate them forever for it. But somehow, they always pick the times when I'm in the middle of something. Whichis impressive, since I really don't do anything. I hate the fact that I actually get a little annoyed. I know it's dumb and selfish, really I do. But...
Matt's graduation is in exactly a week. That's a little weird. Still don't have all of Matt's present. It'll be... interesting. I'll finally get to meet Ann's parents. They sound pretty cool, and since I'll probably be indirectly related to them by marriage, I hope I like them.

I have to say, everytime I read Peggy's journal, it makes me feel like what I write about is small, unimportant. Not that that's a bad thing on her part. She just has all these deep things that she writes about. Well, fine. Not ALWAYS. I guess it's good. Makes me think about deeper things. But I still probably won't write about them. That way, I can astound and surprise people who have forgotten how intelligent I really am... :-)
I hung out with Shannon and Amy today. Shannon didn't mention anything I'd written in here, which I feel like she would have, so I THINK she lost the link. Not that it matters if she did or didn't. I just like to know. It was fun hanging out with them, but it was odd, too. I felt like I had to self-edit more than I normally do. It's hard; we've all changed so much, yet somehow expect everything to stay the same. I know I've changed a lot. I almost feel like a different person. I look back at who I was in high school, hell, who I was last year and I've come so far. I'm so much stronger, more independent. I always hid how unsure a person I really was; now I feel like I'm more the person I was pretending to be, or maybe a person with the qualities I wanted. And I don't know how that fits with my high school friends, people I feel close to because of our past. But we're friends who don't even know each other well anymore. It's all very odd.
Oh yeah. My brief but passionate love affair with cookie dough is over, leaving me satisfied, but slightly nauseous. I know, I cheated on my one true love, my body pillow, but we've talked it out and it's okay with everything.

Craving physical contact. Well, specifically with a male. But I would accept cuddling with my friends in a completely non-sexual way. I watched Smallville tonight. Decided that Chloe should turn Clark down. She deserves better. But I missed Emily and Michelle. No EMily to grab my arm and cuddle with it. No Michelle to ooh in appreciation. It was sad.
I went and looked for a job today. I hate doing stuff like that. I feel so stupid. All "Please hire me" and whatnot. I applied at Bath and Body Works and got an application for Books A Million that I now have to fill out and take back. I really only want to work at Barnes and Noble, where I've already applied, but they aren't hiring for a couple more weeks. This sucks.

k. Apparently, while I've never considered myself a feminist, never really thought about it at all until the past year, I've been one for a really long time. My dad bought me a shirt that says I do it because I want to do it in reference to female pilots because it 'seemed like me'. Then my friend bought me a book. And you guys will love this. It's called Kiss my tiara: a guide for smart-mouth goddesses. And yes, you all can borrow it. and yes, it's highly amusing. And yes, I realize that highly and amusing don't really go together and I really don't care. But anyway, I find it odd that EVERYBODY knew before me. I guess it's just a part of who I am.

I love Peggy. Or at least her cd-making ability. I have been listening to Damn the Man lots. And lots... It's highly entertaining. And again, no one is online. I did get to enjoy reading the stuff with my new online book club.Posted randomly about how cool I am. Okay, so I lied a bit. :-)
It was kind of sad. THe other night, I was reading through my old diary. Yes, I do that sometimes just for kicks. Anyway, I found this one entry from the summer after Matt graduated. And it was talking about how at camp everyone started crying (and by everyone, I mean me and like one other girl) because people were leaving. And I realized that that was the last time I've REALLY cried in front of people. not like sad-movie crying. Actual I'm crying because my heart hurts and I have to crying. Now, to put this in perspective, Matt is going to graduate from college in like a week. So that would put this about four years ago. It's been FOUR years since I've cried in front of someone?!?! What the hell is wrong with me? Okay, don't answer that. It was just weird to realize that I have actually cried in front of people before. Yeah, random side-note. I'm bored and tired, what do you expect.

I want to get drunk. completely plastered. Okay, maybe not puking. Maybe only pleasantly tipsy. Why? I really couldn't tell you. Boredom maybe. I've never understood drinking for its entertainment value. I could always see wanting to forget yourself, escape from feelings or thoughts that wouldn't stop. But just for the heck of it? Not really. Now, though, while I still don't see getting REALLY drunk and puking, mild drunkness has its allure. Plus I think I would be hilarious kind of drunk. I mean, as weird as I am normally? You picture it. Tell me if it doesn't make you laugh.
Why isn't anybody online!?!? I was so excited last night because I had several people to talk to. I was seriously bouncing in the chair with excitement. And now there are very few people online. My buddy list looks so sad.
I am going through major clean-out phase. I've been randomly going through crap and throwing it out or giving it away. Considering that I am a HUGE pack-rat, this is rather a surprise. I save EVERYTHING. You think I'm exaggerating. I have notebooks with papers from high school. I have ticket stubs from movies I went to see three years ago. I have almost any card ever given to me. And now I am throwing them away. It's kind of fun.

Coming home is so odd. Before, when I actually wanted to come home, I would look around, seeing all the things that were familiar, that brought up memories. I just wanted to sink back into my old life. Now, I drive around and feel like I'm at a museum exhibit. A weird, changing exhibit that only has faint ties to who I am right now. And all I want to do is be back at school with my friends. All you people that I miss SO much. I want to hug Whitney and Peggy, cuddle and squeal with Emily at Smallville, make fun of serious stuff with Michelle, tell Jessie that I hate her... And lots of other stuff. Lie out in the courtyard. But no. I'm here. Here with my parents who I love dearly, but have outgrown. I never thought I'd be tired of home. I never thought I'd understand why people were so eager to go back. Now I do...
Though I don't miss the Collins soap-opera. Being Peggy's conscience was tiring. Though I really wasn't. I enjoyed the fact that she called me her good angel, perhaps a little too much. But I didn't think she would do anything. She's too nice a person and that would be too mean to Adam. Not that he doesn't deserve it. But Peggy wouldn't be that cruel. And it would be hard on her, too. Though the whole thing was entirely too hard on her. You're too good for that shit, Peggy. You shouldn't have to deal with it.

Well, apparently my last entry surprised some people. And I would like to thank those people for refraining from teasing me in front of my mom. Another taboo topic. To be honest, I was surprised that they were surprised. I mean, all this time I thought I was pretty obvious. I did blush almost everytime Whitney teased me. And NO. I do NOT have a crush. I don't like that word. It conjures up images of seventh grade girls giggling and saying how cute some guy they've never met before. I had a crush on Coverdale. That is a crush. Neal. Neal I just really like. And the more I learn, the more I like. sigh. Oh well. Though now I know that denial really does work on my friends, always useful info. I will say, to give them SOME credit, they weren't there at several more obvious moments... But really. I've been hinting about it for the past couple of weeks in this thing. And I know that some people read it. Okay. Enough of this.
Well, I'm home. gag. It's only been a day and my mom is already irritating me. Though part of that could be due to the fact that I was/am completely exhausted from my whole three hours of sleep night then moving out. And I have no floor space. All the crap that took forever and a day to move out is occupying it all. Though I GUESS I don't really need any space to walk. We have all these worker people fixing up our house. It's going to be a while before they are done. Lovely. Like right now? We have no stairs. No way to get to the other computer or big tv. And that's my escape from my parents. Hopefully they'll be done in like a week...

Ahhh!!! Peggy wrote an entry in Bridget Jones style. That always makes me want to do the same. But I shall not copy! No, I shall stay strong and not lose my subjects and superfluous words.
Am I avoiding a paper? I think so. I have a page written... five more. I'm adapting my first paper. But it's hard because I have to mix it with a new book and that's giving me difficulty. And, while Peggy's hormones have subsided, mine have not. I kicked several trees on the way back from Starbucks with Michelle and Emily, which helped some, but not enough.
I wish I could just read people's minds sometimes. Like Neal's... He confuses me. Because sometimes I think he likes me and other times not so much. He's definitely started hanging out with my group of friends more, but there are several of us that he knows. He's more physical with other people, but that could be because he's not comfortable with me because he likes me. I could continue. I wish that all this hadn't started so close to the end of the year. Even with a few more weeks, I think it would either pan out or disappear. And I'm not sure whether or not he overheard Whitney and me talking about him. Not that we said anything huge or that it would really matter, but still. And he's such a great guy.
I've decided that sleep is overrated. Or at least I'm going to keep telling myself that, seeing how I'm not really counting on getting much. After I finish my paper, I still have LOTS of packing to do. grrrr...

Ahhh!!! Boys suck! Adam is so oblivious to other people sometimes. He has managed to seriously worry/hurt three people in the past two weeks. That's got to be a record. I hope he grows up soon. Eventually, his friends aren't going to want to put up with it anymore. Meanwhile, on my end. I thought that exercise was supposed to help get rid of sexual energy. I just freaking played ultimate frisbee for TWO AND A HALF HOURS!! And am I calm, collected, COOL? nope. I feel like I should go take a cold shower, even though I just got clean. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr... And yes, Whitney. I know there are other ways. But unless I jump someone, I don't think it's going to happen.

I'm listening to the other mix Peggy made me: Rebecca's Randomass mix. I love Peggy. I see a mouse, a mouse wearing a helmet... :-)
I am SO tired. I keep thinking that I don't need sleep. And it doesn't work like that. Though I was going to sleep later today, but I woke up at ten-thirty for the last time and realized since there was no way in hell I was going to be able to sleep again, I might as well get up. I started packing. I'm slightly screwed. I can't fit all my clothes into my bags. Not a good thing. And I don't want to leave! Anyway. I tried Merlot last night, wasn't a big fan. Must be an acquired taste. I had to drive home from my teacher's party because Beth, who drove, was slightly drunk and 'probably could drive home', but since there were three other people riding with her... We votoed her probably. Then she and Gabe and Neal and I went and played frisbee. It was really fun. We all got muddy, though Gabe never fell. And it started raining and it was lighting. It was awesome. And I'm not talking about the main thing that is on my mind. And I don't think I'm going to...

Well, I had written a perfectly nice entry last night about how lovely my birthday was and how much I love my friends and how much better this was than last year when almost everybody forgot and how embarrassingly nice my cake at prayer lunch was. But then my computer refused to publish my entry and I gave up and left. So that's all you get.
I MISS WHITNEY!! It's weird. She's hasn't even been gone a full day. And I want her here to hug and have fun with. Peggy and I both went through withdrawal last night. It was a little odd. Not that I don't love Whitney. But still. I shouldn't miss her already! What am I going to be like this summer, going through withdrawal with all my friends... Even though Whitney has developed a distinct like of seeing me blush... Which is kind of amusing because she doesn't realize that I blush really easily and have worked hard for the past six years to learn to control. And now I have managed to eliminate blushing from most topics. She has discovered one of the few that I can't control. She doesn't realize, though, that she could tease me about any guy that I have ANY vague interest in and I would probably blush. And it's her fault that I blush anyway. And school is almost over. And it doesn't matter anyway because I think he likes Sara...
Peggy says that boys are the root of all evil. I say they are the root of confusion...

It's almost my birthday!!!