So I mentioned yesterday that he texted me. I didn’t think much of it at the time; blah, blah, blah, he was just telling me that he was going out of the country and therefore would not be contacting me about my furniture until he got back. But that’s not actually what he said. I was telling Marie about it last night, gave her the textish of what he said, and her immediate response was, “Well, that’s vague and open to lots of interpretation and really not helpful.” Which is true. The text basically was “Leaving on my trip. Hope you’re having a good week (HA!), I miss you, and I’ll talk to you when I get back.” (I added the “ha.” He is not mocking my pain.) But in my usual tendency to wait forever before having a reaction to stuff, I last night kept thinking about it. What exactly does he want to talk about? I see three possibilities:
Strictly logistics. How to get my stuff back, if he’s going to buy the furniture he always said he was going to, etc, etc.
Mainly logistics, with a sort of post-partum discussion, including something on his part about how “we can be friends” (again with the ha! Maybe in like a year, but…).
No logistics, because he has realized that he has made a huge mistake and desperately wants me back. This seems the most unlikely. And the sad thing is, if he really meant that he wanted to be back with me, I’d do it in a heartbeat. If he just wants to get back together, though, because this sucks and hurts and everything, it’d be a no go. I really would rather get this over with now than go back with him only to be here again in a couple of months because he again “can’t see a future with me.”
I did manage to finish the fluffier of the two books I bought yesterday. It was… okay. Not hugely helpful, but entertaining. And it did help me make friends with the local homeless guy outside of Starbucks, who stopped me and then wished that he had had that book, because then he wouldn’t be in the straights that he is. He was nice. I hope he does okay.
I also keep dreaming about SB. I don’t approve. It makes it hard for me to know deep down that he’s not mine anymore…
4 comments:
Can I make a suggestion that you may not like or approve? If he does come back to you and says 'let's get back together,' why not take some time off from each other anyway? Take a couple months break while his job calms down and you become okay on your own. This is my worry and this is where you may hate me: a break would prove a couple things, like to make sure he's coming back for the right reasons and not just out of a fear of being alone or co-dependence. Ok. Don't hate me but it had to be said. -whit
I agree with Whit. You need to stand on your own two feet before you can think about being with him again or you can't be sure you guys are together for the right reasons. Again, be strong. Or, as I have suggested before, forget the bastard, come to Chicago and shoot/fence out your frustrations.
Jess
I'm really not afraid of being alone, though. Afraid of dating or not finding anyone to date, yes. But not of having to stand by myself. If he had called a week ago, it might have been more like that. And in a week more, it'll be even less like that. But I wasn't still with him before out of fear. If I got back together with him, it would be out of love and a knowledge that what we had and could have again was really good.
And I really doubt that's what it will be. He was pretty certain when he left that I was no longer the one for him. Which is also why I would definitely be really REALLY careful if that was what he wanted to talk about. He would have to be absolutely, positively sure. I mean, some kind of religious epiphany like I had last time. A burning bush moment or whatever. I'm not going to set myself up to get hurt like this again, or let him treat me like he had the past few months only to again be here by Christmas.
I'm not worried about you being alone anymore - I'm worried he'll come back to you because he's scared to be alone, not because it's the right thing.I'm glad you're standing up for what you want though. :) You deserve happiness. -whit
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