My Grown-Up Break-up List: Like Amy Grant, but Totally Not

Okay, so while I’m sure I don’t really hate him, I do right now in the unreasonable side of myself. I said earlier that there wasn’t really anything to be mad about, and logically there isn’t and I still recognize that. But I hurt both heartwise and pridewise and it’s his fault in that he initiated and, as Allison (CW’s friend, who is AWE-SOME) said, he clearly did not recognize the full awesomeness that is me because otherwise he never could have left. So I’m okay with hating him for right now, in the recognition that it will fade, too, and then I can just remember my time with him fondly and without anger or sadness. And I am so glad that I didn’t break up with him. I know there is the whole pride thing of him choosing actively to not be with me, and that sucks, but will be remedied if and when I win the break-up. Whereas I can freely hate him and I don’t have to second guess myself because there is nothing to second guess. And I don’t feel embarrassed because I didn’t do anything like beg or whatnot. And I am free to write the following rather cruel list, which I may or may not still want later in life, but which currently contains my hopes for him.

I hope the next several relationships are crap for him. I want them to be empty and annoying and meaningless with dumb girls who have nothing interesting to say and who contribute nothing to the general population. Either that or they can be super smart, but also super mean, the kind who feel the need to prove that they are better than everyone else and who can’t be supportive. I want this to last at least a couple of years, or until after I have married someone else, preferably someone hotter than he is.

I hope (and this is particularly vicious) that at his happiest moments, I flicker through his head and make him wonder “what if.” I always wanted to be someone’s one regret. So this one is evil, but unsurprising.

I hope his friends and family all gossip about how letting me go was a huge mistake, and aren’t really satisfied with her when he does find someone else.

I want him, before he embarks upon the miserable dating life mentioned above, to not even be able to find anyone he wants to ask out. A long while of absolutely no new person in his life.

I’m sure there are more things I could wish, for him to not be able to buy a place, to not get his promotion at work, etc., but I don’t really wish for those things. Just the bad things around the personal stuff.