One

This is awful. Honest to God, probably the worst experience of my whole life. Being left that first day at college is the only thing that I can think of that comes close. I don't know what to do. I try and distract myself with tv, I tried to go out in the real world, hoping that would help. But everything reminds me of him. Even stupid McDonalds, because he really likes McDonalds and would sometimes bring me their cinnamon rolls and sweet tea in the morning. Everything has him in it. Even Cassie reminds me (who right now is chewing on something. I don't know what. She's not near any food and seems to be becoming like a cow who chews its cud). And I want to do nothing more than call him up and beg him to come back and let everything be back the way it was.

But I can't. Because his reasoning last night rings truer than most of what he's said to me for the past few months. That he loves me and thinks I'm wonderful and amazing and that maybe for a while he was still mad at me for treating him like crap when i was in crap job, but now he's not. And he still doesn't see a future for us. The thing that sucks is that I do. I mean, things haven't been great for a while. We started to get them back, and then his work hours picked up and it felt like we were in a holding pattern. and it hurt. I remembered how loving he used to be and could tell that he wasn't acting the same. That, as hard as he was trying, he was pulling away. Not being as considerate as he had been. But I still think we could get over that.

But not if he's not in it. I can't keep putting myself through dating someone who is constantly doubting our relationship. I deserve more, and I know that. He said that he saw how his behavior was hurting me and hurting him. And it was. Not as much as this is, though. He claims we can stay friends, that he still wants to support me. And he's my best friend and my other best friend is in Indiana, and I want to still have his support. But I just don't see how that will work. "Oh, well, we just won't tell each other details of our new relationships, when we get in them." He was mine for nearly six years. How can I sit and watch him fall in love with someone else? How can he watch me?

And I am so TERRIFIED. I wasn't good at the high school dating scene, the college dating scene. I haven't been single for years. I like being a part of a couple. I want to settle down, get married, have kids (eventually). I don't want to date and meet skeazy guys who try to get too far too fast. I don't know how to meet guys, much less nice guys. And I sure as hell hate being alone like this. (Whit, not a call for you to come out. I'd still feel alone.)

I just hope I can make it through this. People keep telling me I will. I'm trying to pray and have faith and all that jazz, but right now? Right now, I'd be happiest if he'd just come back.