Frustration

So some of you may have noticed that I vanished recently. This was for a few reasons. One, last Friday was a holiday. Two, I realized Thursday that my boss would be back on Monday and therefore would expect several things to be done. Most of which she has not asked for, except for the one that I KNOW she thinks should be quick, but actually takes a bit of time, and so was not completely finished when she got back. So yes, Thursday was a little frantic. Three, I have had some kind of bug that has knocked me completely on my ass. Seriously, I spent like 80% of this weekend sleeping AND had to miss a birthday party last night out of sheer exhaustion.

I did read through some of my old writing this weekend. It was highly entertaining. See, I apparently am very good at starting stories. I mean, funny starts, highly entertaining writing style (if I do say so myself). The only thing is that I never get passed the first two or three pages. Mainly because my story ideas are not so much plotlines as character ideas. So I have all these characters that I love, but no idea what to do with them...

Also, my boredom has gotten so bad at work that the thought of banging my head against my desk doesn't sound so bad. I mean, the pain would be a distraction, the noise mildly entertaining. And it might relieve some frustration.

I'm also frustrated with SB for one main reason. He is going out of the country for work for a month or so in January. I'm not thrilled about this, but I do kind of understand. I still wish he would tell them no, because I'm not sure what this will do to our relationship and it'd be nice if he put us first, but I know he hasn't quite figured out how to tell work no, particularly when they really want him to do something. So that irks me, but not really. The real reason I'm upset is that he wants to get back to the States and IMMEDIATELY leave again to go to Florida to see his family. I mean like fly out again two or three days later for a week and a half. I know he loves his family, but still. I did the exact opposite thing when I got home from England because I wanted to spend time with him. I immediately left home to come to Indiana. He's all, "but I want to fly you out for the weekend," but we all know that that's different.

In happier thoughts, it is gingerbread latte season. Sadly, the two I have had so far have been a bit disappointing. I'm hoping it's the coffee shop I got them from and not a sign of my getting tired of gingerbread lattes... Because, seriously people. That would be a real tragedy.

Go vote!

I am highly amused by the fact that everyone in my office who actually has voted (all but two of us) is actually wearing the "I voted!" sticker. I'm wearing mine because I wanted to make sure my boss knew that that was why I was late. Why she's wearing one, I don't know. Maybe she genuinely wants the world to know that she voted.

This is the first mid-term election I've voted in. (Don't yell! It's the first one I've been eligible to, except for the one in 2002 and I wasn't registered then because I was a lazy college student.) It definitely is the first election I've felt like my vote counted. Voting in 2004 in Tennessee was kind of a protest vote. I still did it, but I knew Bush was going to win the state no matter what I did. Funny how I moved from one of the most competitive states now to another. I'm glad. I can't be hitting myself in the head for changing my voter registration from Tennessee to Virginia because either state could be swayed by my vote. I HAVE THE POWER!!!

Testy Goodness

So the test... It's just a load of crap. I mean, honestly, admission people. Do you really think you are learning ANYTHING about me from my scores on this test? Because, really, you're not. Instead, you are learning how good I am at taking tests. And guessing. I guessed a lot. Luckily, most of them were educated guesses. There were definitely some random, "I feel like the answer must be x" guesses, but most I could eliminate at least one or two options. The good thing is, though, I walked out of there thinking that I could not have studied more and done any better than I did. The majority of the questions were based on identification and unless you had read those exact novels by the authors, you probably weren't going to know the right answer for sure. So I did how I did and it's just going to have to be good enough.

It was very sweet, though. SB drove me down to the test on Saturday morning and waited on me while I took it. Which meant that I got that much more time to review what exactly an alexandrine is (a line of iambic hexameter) and who used it the most (Spencer). And it means he had to get up MUCH earlier than he usually does on Saturdays. Afterwards we went to Cracker Barrel, where my beloved apple dumpling was not on the menu... Stupid seasonally switching over to pies. Cracker Barrel, pie does NOT equal dumpling. The dumpling has so much more lovely crust and cinnamon goo and struesel... It's just delicious. And now I have to wait for January. Hmph.

Stupid people...

Well, it is now the 11th hour. Tomorrow is the day, people. Tomorrow I shall attack the test from hell!!! I'm not worried... not worried at all... even though my studying plans totally failed and I'm going to spend a good portion of the night curled up with my Norton and my dictionary of literary terms. It'll be great...

I have decided that living in a big city might have been a bad step. Why? Because I used to be nice. I used to always give people the benefit of the doubt. And now? Now I hate them all. HATE. Woman who shoved her arm into my waist so she could push by me and get to the metro stairs an eighth of a second faster? Hate her. Almost hit her with my paper. Stupid people who won't move on the metro? Hate them. The numerous men who are complete snots and push in front of me constantly? They are horrible and I hope they die a bitter, lonely death. I mean, I'm not saying they have to let me go first. That would be chivalrous, but I understand that the metro is crowded at rush hour and people have places to go. I'm just saying that they should not shove in front of me when it is clearly. my. turn. I do have to say, though, that ethnic men around here are much more likely to be courteous than white guys. Shame on you, white men!

I'm also not so sure anymore that I really want to be a full member of the DC blogging community. I keep trying to find bloggers that I really like and there are only a few. And I read some of the rest, but they are so full of drama and snobbery and hate. It just seems like so many of them are sitting there, thinking they are so cool and judging everyone else. It's just not my bag, baby...

Secretly Crazy

Oi. I may be saying that because Emily used to all the time and she and I joined a bookclub together last night in my dream. Or I could be saying it because I have spent the whole day running around, trying to get things set for the next couple of days for my boss and coworkers. Or I could be saying it because Cassie decided to wake me up at 2:45 crying (I think her stomach hurt. She later used the litterbox and then promptly fell asleep.) and again at 6 (I think she just wanted me to get up and play with her). On top of which, I didn't get to bed until later because SB's friend from home was in town and we wound up chatting at an ice cream place in Old Town until late. But I shall still be good and go to the gym!

SB's friend and I did have an interesting conversation about blogs. He was talking about how he and his friend found the blogs of two of the girls in his small group. He was amused by how the crazy came out in their blogs, as opposed to the calm, collected girls they usually were. I only kind of understand trying to hide the crazy. Like there was that episode of Scrubs where Eliott was trying to pretend she was normal for the guy she was dating. And she almost exploded and then, when she did act like herself, it was a big turn-on for him because she was finally letting him into her. I can honestly say, I never really tried to hide those things from SB. Because let's face it. I can only hide it for so long. If he's going to find out eventually, why not get it over with? It's like my weirdness. The only thing that hides my weirdness is my shyness. It took my former coworkers several months to find out how strange I am. And then they realized and were entertained. I do try not to be TOO weird at work. Which, actually, I kind of miss. There aren't that many people I'm comfortable being truly weird around here. And it's fun. I find myself highly entertaining.

Family friendly

Sigh. This weekend reminded me of many things. The first being that I love my family. You have gone so long without an update from me courtesy of my family reunion. My mom's side of the family (minus our two internationals - my two aunts, one of whom I have never met) all joined up in this huge condo in Myrtle Beach. This place was freaking crazy. We had 11 people there. We had two queen-size beds empty AND two pull-out couches. There was a tv in every room. There was a game room with an arcade style game, where my brother spent hours trying to get the top score on Ms. Pacman. Seriously. He was crazy-good at it. Didn't get it, but still. My mom brought me and my sister-in-law kits to knit baby hats. And no, that was not a clue, though my s.i.l. thought it was at first. There is a knitting campaign because apparently thousands of babies who die every year could be saved if they had a warm hat to wear. Her kit was cute. She had those plastic envelopes and inside was a box with sewing needles (to finish the hats), scissors, and a tape measure. She also had three sizes of knitting needles and printed instructions for three different hats. It was all very organized. And I did teach SB how to knit, so now, as soon as he learns how to purl, he has to knit a baby hat. And my family in general is just hilarious. I about died during our rounds of Catchphrase, mainly because sometimes, people were just SO bad at it.

I also remembered how much I love the ocean. It's so soothing and relaxing. You look at it and it makes you feel small. And it was late enough so there weren't tons of people. I should visit the sea more.

Kids and stuff

You know it's sad when a five-year-old starts hinting that it's time for you to get married. So, this weekend was family overload. My brother, sister-in-law, and s-i-l's family was all in town, as was SB's sister, niece, nephew, and mom. So I got to juggle all of them. Nearly literally in some cases, as his niece is 5 and his nephew is 2 and they decided I was their new toy. They were cute and I didn't mind, but by the end of Saturday, I was so tired I could hardly move. PLUS this weekend was Cassie's vaccination and therefore, I got ot be worried that she was having a reaction while running around town.

SB's mom also bothers me, in that she states things entirely too bluntly. Such as telling me and SB that if we got married, SB's sister would make us the guardians for the kids rather than her and SB's dad. I know that she is where the five-year-old got the idea to question me about when I was going to get married. It just harkens back to the first time I met all his family and they were all welcoming me. We'd only been dating like 4 months. Totally freaked me out.

I was entertained, though, by the fact that both SB and I decided, due to the madness of this weekend, that we don't want to have kids for a very long time. And my S-i-L and I talked about having kids someday (obviously NOT together), and that was a little weird, too. It was interesting to see her going through the same type of thigns I went through when she and my brother got engaged. Because I like her, I really do, and I'm glad that I was in the wedding. On the other hand, though, I didn't know her THAT well, and it's kind of awkward because she's becoming a part of your family and you want to make her feel welcome, but it's still all weird. Also the mother of the bride gave the bride feathery sex shoes, and I thought that was weird, too. NOT the relationship I have with my family, I can tell you that...

It's Almost Done.

So today was random coincidence in the blog world day. I found this one blog that is much more like this one would be if I were actually open about what I was going through. But let's face it. That's not going to happen. It's like my secret blog. I could hardly stand to have a secret blog because if I'm not willing to say something where the whole world can read it, I'm not comfortable being upfront about it even with my good friends. But yes. So she's got cats, she's close to my age, she's a former english major...

Then I found another blog (work was slow today. Can you tell?) that is written by a girl who's from my hometown (or close enough) and who works in a non-profit. Craziness.

And while I haven't been very productive at work, I have been productive in other ways. For example, I worked on graduate applications. I'm nearly done with my personal statement. I'm pretty happy with it. I think my voice comes through fairly well. I only hope Georgetown likes it. I think they are still at the top of my list, though I've heard they are stingy with funding. Crazy when they are charging $30,000+ per year for tuition. I'd just be happy to get my tuition funded. I think I can handle the debt for the rest, what with parental help and all. Without them covering tuition, though... That's like $100,000 in debt with living expenses AND I'll have an english degree, so it's not like med students who eventually make much more money. I did email a friend about how he likes NYU. He's not emailed back. My friends have developed a conspiracy theory for this fact.

I also applied for a new job today, and looked for others. It's funny how before I would consider something that was part personal assistant, but now I won't. It might be better with a different boss, but I don't care. The work irks me and I don't like people thinking my life (or at least my work life) should be spent making someone else's life as easy as possible. Again, maybe if I were working for someone I really supported, it might be different because then I would want to make their life easier. Either way, it's not worth the risk to me.

And now it's off to "Crazy insane family weekend," in which my brother, his wife, his in-laws, SB's sister, mom, niece and nephew all come on the same weekend. Plus Cassie has a vet appointment. She's not going to be happy...

Lack of Communication

I rediscovered the link to the Love Cave. Sigh. Even looking at the pictures make my shoulders want to relax some.

So the rest of this post I feel the need to say, but I'm a little afraid. People get vehement and stubborn and close-minded on all sides, and I really feel no need to have people yelling at me on my blog. With that said, I'm writing it anyways, because I want to and because when have I ever shrunk from a challenge?

And the controversial topic is... the student strike at Gallaudet. For those of you not in the area, Gallaudet is the main college for people with hearing disabilities in the country, if not the world. The old president is stepping down at the end of December. The board went through a search procedure, and picked someone who already worked for the school. The students went nuts. Really, really angry about the fact that this woman was chosen. This was all in the spring of last year. Now there has been a sudden resurgence in the anger, the students protested and shut the school down for three days, and the only thing they'll accept is the soon-to-be president's resignation.

Now I'm not going to say much about the protest. I tend to think most protests can be pointless, since frequently the protesters don't seem to know what they want to accomplish. In this case, the students seem to be claiming that they are primarily upset about the way the new president was chosen. They feel they had no voice, although there were students on the selection committee. But when the administration offered to have outsiders audit the selection process, the students refused. I have no contacts there, I haven't talked to any students, but that confuses me. Other people have pointed out that very few students have a voice on university presidential selection committees. Maybe all university students should care so much who is in charge of the university.

One of the more interesting issues that has come up, though, and one that confuses me the most is that one of the main problems students have with the incoming president is that she supports children having cochlear implants implanted. Apparently, this is a kind of betrayal in the deaf community. Now I understand that there is a deaf community. These people have faced a lot of difficulty in their lives and I admire them for their fortitude. But why would they want children to not be able to hear? People have argued that parents should wait and let the children decide for themselves, that the parents are being selfish because raising a deaf child is more complicated. But no one really complains about children who have physical deformities having them fixed. No one would tell the parents of a child missing a leg not to let him have a prothestic. I haven't heard any blind people arguing that someone who's blind shouldn't have surgery that could repair their sight. They might argue against it. I've never heard anyone, but how many blind people do I know whom I can ask? I can't think of one. Maybe they have the same arguments as the deaf community. Either way, it doesn't make sense to me. Am I missing something? To me, not having a sense makes life more challenging. I want my kids to be able to hear Beethoven's 5th, Christmas carols. I love music so much, and nature sounds, and talking, and listening, and a million other things. Why shouldn't I want my kids to have the opportunity to experience those things? When did being deaf go from being a disability to being a form of diversity?

Beauty, part deux

The Today show mentioned a new Dove video which shows how advertising companies modify the model's normal appearance so she looks like what we see in ads. It was a little crazy. Not only did they put a ton of make-up on her and make her hair big, they also electronically modified her appearance, making her hair even bigger and her neck longer. I have thus decided that Today show editors obviously read my entry on beauty earlier this week. Though when you throw the whole using computers to modify picture thing into the mix, it makes our concept of beauty all the more complicated, since now we are striving to look like people who don't exist in real life. No wonder people are so screwed up.

There is this online "What famous person do you look like" thing, where you input your picture and they scan it and compare your features to those of celebrities. I put in two different pictures and got Deborah Messing and Drew Barrymore. And it's funny. When you put my picture next to theirs, I can see some resemblance. Only in the face in Deborah Messing's case. I mean, she's so skinny, her clavical could be a weapon. It reminds me of that woman on "Last Comic Standing" who claimed having sex with her was like doing a hanger. She was funny. I was sad to see her get kicked off.

Speaking of tv and sex, Paula Deen on her new show, "Paula's Party," is a dirty little flirt. I mean, I thought the whole conversation with the French guy about her breasts on the show on her European vacation was bad. But the one episode of "Paula's Party" I've seen, she sat on a guy's lap, fed him brownie off of a wooden spoon, and licked the spoon while he was eating off it. It was highly suggestive. And a bit disturbing.

Testing, One, Two, Three

I got my official gre scores yesterday. It's one of those things that even though the score pops up on the screen before you leave, I somehow start to doubt if I saw things correctly. So I was glad to see that I did indeed remember my scores correctly, and did as well on the writing as I thought I would. My mom was very excited. Though she went to see David Sedaris yesterday, so she was just in an excited mood yesterday anyways. And my gre literature books should get in today, so that test won't entirely kick my ass. Just partly. I mean, really. I looked at some of the suggested vocab lists. Words I had never even heard of. Terms that describe word play that I'm familiar with in practice, but didn't know there was a term for. Things I cannot even pronounce. Besides the fact that Paradise Lost is the most sited work on the whole test and I haven't read any of that since high school. What makes me mad about this whole thing is that the academy is in the midst of an argument about whether or not the Canon as we know it even really exists. No one reads the same books any ,ore. I'm sure Jessica Hagedorn's Dogeaters won't be on there, though I read that for a class.

So here is my question. What is the point of this test? I'm sending these people a writing sample, recommendations from professors, my transcript from 4 years of study. How is knowing whether I can identify a passage from The Faerie Queene really going to show admissions how I'll deal with studying modern lit in grad school? Should I not get funding because I thought a passage by Shakespeare was from A Midsummer Night's Dream rather than Twelfth Night? It all seems a little ridiculous.

I did get into a fight today on DC Bachelor. Surprisingly enough not with DCB, but with some other guys who decided that all women secretly want to be dominated, and that no relationship in which the woman earns more than the man will succeed. I'm annoyed, though, because the stupid site is not letting me post my next comment (the guy claims that career women make bad moms, and that I would never marry a poor, short dude) and I really want to comment. Grr...

Only Skin Deep

"Beauty is only skin deep," will forever remind me of my friend Emily from high school. My french teacher quoted it to us. Emily paused for a minute, looked up, and asked, in all seriousness, "How deep is skin?" It made us all laugh, and my teacher looked at her askance.

So I was looking through old pictures today, and I noticed how my face has changed. I'm not entirely sure why. Change of weight, getting older, whatever. But I looked and I thought, "Wow, my skin looked great, and look at that," blah, blah, blah. And I know at the time I wasn't any more comfortable with my appearance than I am now, which is a frequent discussion with SB. I have wished before that I could somehow see myself through his eyes. Or anyone's eyes, for that matter. Just to see what I look like to everyone else.

Now this is not to say that I am all that obsessed with my appearance or that I really think it matters all that much. I know, I know, studies show that more attractive people do better in life, but I think there is really a limit to that. Because think about it. If someone is super-attractive, are people going to want to be around them? Are less attractive people going to feel anything but jealousy for the more attractive?

All of this made me think, though, not about my own insecurities. Because let's face it. Been there, done that. It bores me now. Instead I started to think about the role and history of beauty in our society. The concept of beauty has changed so much over the past centuries. Beauty once was more a symbol of wealth. Bigger was better because it meant you could afford not to work. Now beauty has been tied into cultural hegemony. As women have gained power, the concept of beauty has gotten smaller for them. As if society is telling women that they must pay for their increased power by taking up less space. The opposite is true for men.

So how much of beauty is anything beyond societal concepts? How much do we read into beauty signs of other things? That man can't be evil; he's too pretty. That woman must be dumb because of how she looks. Is beauty anything beyond a way to sort the world? To pretend like we know something about people we have no contact with?

An unraveling rug

There was a really interesting article in Slate today, called "Welcome to the Age of the MySpace Novel." The article was about the future of literature, and whether or not authors can survive in a culture as inundated with new media as we are. The authors posited that we are now living almost settingless lives. How can writing encompass the new reality that we live in?

A subtext of the article was the question of identity, a topic that very much interests me and one that I believe I will base my graduate study around. Identity formation has become a very chic topic in the past few decades, mainly because it seems to have become more complex as the world goes stronger. Whom do we identify with, and why? Am I a woman first, an American, a resident of DC, a Southerner? If I am asked to indentify with a woman from India or a man from Georgia, who will I pick? What makes that portion of my identity stronger than the other? And now we are forming new, even more nefarious identities. How many people go online and create a different persona? We have now added another dimension to our social interaction. And social interaction is crucial to identity. A person frequently doesn't associate herself wiht one group until another group is opposed to it. (Those of you familiar with Said's Orientalism will recognize this argument.) This flows into Butler's argument that by setting yourself against something, you are in fact helping to perpetuate it by helping to define it. But how does this all play out online? The rules are still there, but slightly different. It's like in space. Gravity exists, the rules still work up there, but nothing acts quite as you're used to. People have genuine relationships, real friendships online. People do have real interactions. I know that I feel it can be easier to open up in an electronic medium, because you don't have to see facial expressions. You are more seperated from the reactions. But you are also more vulnerable. Once you have typed something to someone, it's documented. Look at Foley. If he had only called pages? His case would be much different. Not only that, when you communicate electronically, you are limiting your ability to influence reactions to your words. How many bloggers have been incredibly frustrated by commenters who just don't get it? If you type something that was meant to be a joke, but the other person thinks is mean, you can't see their reaction and try and fix it. And they're more likely to misinterpret what you are saying as well. How is all this electronic communication going to effect the next generations?

Cranky? Never...

So I've realized that my main problem with my job just might be the work. Well, not the main, but at least half of it. I HATE being an assistant. It grates at my soul. Everytime I even think it, a part of me goes, "Really? YOU? Are you serious?" But beyond the pride part, it's just boring. Make files, make trip arrangements, input data. This is all stuff I could have done right out of high school.

Between the job-hatred, the boyfriend gone, and the supreme heat of my apartment (Seriously. Yesterday it was 82 when I got home. They turned off the air and THEN it gets back up to 80.), I've developed a bit of crankiness. And it's so hot that I can't sleep, which only makes things worse, or cook anything. Which reminds me that I don't know what to eat for dinner. The only good thing about the heat is that it calms down Cassie, so she sleeps a lot more. SB does get home tomorrow, so at least two problems will be gone. (since he feeds me, too.)

With that said, I'm taking my crankiness and going home.

A Bit of Yarn

Sigh. No more holiday weekends until Thanksgiving. (How weird is that?! I can't believe it's almost Thanksgiving again.) I did totally go outside my budget this past week. And by outside, I mean I spent any money at all beyond the like $10 per day for food I'm allowed. See, here's my problem with severe budgeting. I do really well, until I explode and then I spend a ton of money. I'm currently logging into my credit card bill... Be afraid, be very afraid. Though I did support small artists at the Arts on the Avenue fair in Del Ray. And I got ideas for possible Christmas presents. Maybe. We'll see. And I do really like the pictures I got, even thoguh I was thinking of giving one to my brother and sister-in-law. Yeah, I changed my mind on that. And then I had to go to AC Moore because they were having a sale on knitting needles. I'm really surprised by the popularity of knitting these days. And then there was homespun yarn on sale, too, and while it's a bitch to knit, it looks so pretty. So I've started SB another scarf. When I told him about it (He's still out of pocket), he was kind of sulky, though. Actually, he was just sulky in general. He's sick and he got tired of the food and his room is crap, even though he is totally milking the per diem thing. CW is convinced that it's just because he misses me. Now, I'm not saying that he doesn't miss me. I'm just staying that he gets whiny even when he's with me if he doesn't feel well and is tired. Like on the ski trip, where he got mad the last day and blamed the snow for not being good to ski on. But yes. He wants me to finish his OTHER scarf (aka the scarf that will not die) first. Yeah right. I knit that thing on size 6 needles with WAY too many stitches. It takes forever just to do a row. I've been working on that since we started dating. (Ie nearly 4 years now.) Who knows if I'll ever finish it? And this one will be more versatile since it has flecks of gray and cream and brown. He can wear it with anything! And I got me some yarn in brown. Now I just need to chug a bottle of Chianti, and I can be like Jordan Baker . It'll be great...

Sunny Days

All of the schools today in Culpepper County were closed because of a vague bomb threat. I'm not going to make a judgement on that call. I mean, if something did happen and school officials had known of a potential threat, everyone involved would be fired. Not to mention the tragedy of kids dying. And, with all the recent occurences, everyone is a bit on edge.

It does, however, remind me of my high school days. Sophomore year, someone at school began calling in bomb threats. One of my teachers thought she knew who it was, but refused to turn him in. I don't know if she thought it was funny or she was trying to be cool or whatever. I think he just wanted to get out of school because of a test or something. Because the thing with our bomb threats is that the school officials wouldn't let us leave. See, the parking lot was right next to the school and if the school blew up, the lot would go as well. So we were all shepherded out into the football stadium where we would seek out our friends and chat for the next few hours. Or be chased by bees, as frequently happened, causing many of my friends to scream and me to roll my eyes. (I am conviently not afraid of bees. Now if there had been a tornado... hmm. I wonder what they would have done if there had been a tornado watch AND a bomb threat.) Another fun fact about the whole bomb scare thing is that my town had no bomb squad and we had to call in one from another town. This all took a fair amount of time. The bomb squad had to drive up (45 minutes) and then scan the entire school and then they could let us in. I never was really scared. It was all a novelty. I did think, though, that if there really were a bomb, we'd probably all get hurt. I mean, we really weren't THAT far from the building. We all did kind of enjoy it, though. It was a chance to get outside, the days it happened were pretty, we all liked to chat. I wonder what would happen now, though, if something like that happened at my school. I mean, at the time they tried to find the person, but never had any luck. Maybe they have video and thus could prove who was using the phone when the threat was made.

This little storytime is in no way, shape, or form meant to trivialize the horrible shootings that have occurred recently. Violence at school is no joke.

Also, welcome Wonkettereaders! Now the pressure is on...

Issues of Invasion

So my coworkers and I were having a discussion about rape today. It all started with a discussion of former Rep. Foley and went from there. It was kind of interesting. I posited my theory that rapists, paticularly repeat offenders, should be castrated so they can't commit that crime again. My supervisor (a male) thought that violent rape and rape that occurs while the woman is alseep or drugged or otherwise mentally impared should have different punishments, with the punishment for violent rape being more severe. I thought otherwise. He said that with violent rape, the victim is more likely to be physically injured. Now this part I agreed with. I, however, think that I would almost rather be violently raped than date raped. At least with the violent rape, you have a chance to fight, to do something. It's probably a stranger. I mean, think of all the mental issues involved with date rape. Someone you at least quasi-trust has not only invaded your body, but also your mind. You wouldn't have the horrible fight memories or (possibly) the physical scars. I think, though, that the emotional scars from date rape might balance the scales. CW (also a female) somewhat agreed. Is this a girl versus guy thing? Is it that my supervisor will never be put in either situation, but might be attacked and so understands that side better?

But Mommy... I wanna be a hobo...

I would like you to note the ugly yellow tile in this shot. I really, REALLY hate my bathroom...

So I know I've been pretty whiny about work. Well, too bad. It's my party and I'll whine if I want to. Plus there is very little else going on with me. Work and grad school apps. Those are my two concentrations. Especially with SB on his trip. And nothing hugely funny has happened, so... It was funny yesterday because I was spreading the whining to include my friends at church. It's mroe that this other girl and I both hate the atmosphere of our jobs and would like to quit, so we complain loudly to each other in front of other people. So we were talking about how miserable things have gotten and I mentioned something to her. I said that when I walk by this homeless guy on the way into work, I look at him and think, "that doesn't look like such a bad lifestyle." And then they all yelled at me and told me I am not allowed to be homeless or earn my money by being a prostitute. It made me giggle a little.

And I did talk to my parents this weekend about stuff. Well, I had promised my mom that I would call and let her know how I did on the GRE's. (Which was pretty well, btw. Now we just have to see if someone will fund me. And I told my mom about all the work drama and now she's mad at my boss. She also said that she and my dad would help support me if I wanted to go back to retail or something, just to make ends meet until grad school. She kind of hesitated, though, before she said it, which makes me think that the offer is not whole-hearted. Not that they wouldn't do it, but they've got fiscal responsibilities of their own and I know they want to get the house paid off before my dad retires, and they're building this expansion... I just don't want to burden them with it.

I'm also greatly entertained by teh fact that someone got to my blog by asking if sex kills brain cells. While it might explain some things about some people, I do highly doubt it. So, Michigan, sleep well tonight. You are not going to kill cells through sex. You might get a disease. But the cell-killing will remain up to the drugs and alcohol.

Mood Swingy

So I stayed home from work yesterday, primarily because I didn't feel well, haven't felt well for quite some time, and yesterday was the first day I could freely miss without messing something up. As angry as I am today about work, it's a good thing I missed yesterday when all the shit hit the fan and my boss showed her crazy colors. I'm not going to go into details, but I will say this. It has been a long time since I have been this angry. Angry enough that talking about how angry I am makes me want to scream or cry or both. Let's just say that this has cemented my need to get the hell out of here. I don't need to put up with this shit. I just have to decide how to finance all of this.

Sadly, I didn't get to see Haley last night. Seriously, go buy her music. It's great. And I know her, which makes her even cooler. But yes. Her dad was playing down in Fredricksburg and I tried, I really did. But she would pick the one night we have a storm. I mean, it took me an hour to get from Del Ray to Old Town. There was no way I could have gotten to Fredricksburg before the concert was nearly over and then I'd just have to turn around and come back. I did get to chat with her on Wednesday, though, and that was nice. It's funny how different we are and that we're still friends. And we are very different. She did say that she wasn't surprised I was getting ready to go back to school, that she'd been thinking recently that it was time to go back for me. It was good to hear. And she and all her family are doing well, and that makes me happy.

Haley and I go back to 7th grade. We were always strange together. I mean, really strange. She and Julie and I were good friends in 7th grade; for my birthday that year, we had a sleep-over and did makeup which devolved down to smearing it all over and seeing who would look the funniest. We were in the talent show together. It was so unfair, though. She had her professional guitar-playing father accompany her; I had a tape. I still can't hear "When You Say Nothing at All" without thinking of her. In high school, we went to Disney World with the choir and made up our own dance. We then performed that for a group of our friends. They were not impressed. (It was very strange. We thought it was funny.) I would post a picture, but I only have one and it's not online. Haley is one of those rare people who accepts everyone as they are, and who is freely who she is without reservation. She looked like a hobo last time I saw her (her mom's words, not mine) and a random woman gave her money. And she talked about that as a sign of God on her website. I might be a little embarrassed about that. Not her. She thought it was funny/a miracle.

She's great and you should all go buy her cd. Seriously. Do it now... or else...

Tried and True

So for my job, I was forced to go onto the Republican National Committee's website. (And still couldn't find what I was looking for. What, are the Republicans anti-find buttons?) It was frightening, in the "Dear God, are people really that crazy about their party affiliation?" "Democrats will run us into the ground. Democrats hate babies. Democrats love terrorists."* On and on and on. Which reminded me of a quote in the Post today. Basically, the article was discussing the chances of Democrats winning a Republican seat in this one district in Ohio. People in Ohio are kind of mad right now at the ruling party. There have been several cases of corruption in office, mainly by Republicans. (I'm not saying Republicans in general are more corrupt. But they are the party currently in power in Ohio and they've been caught doing some nasty stuff.) So anyways, the Post went and interviewed the common folk to see what they thought of the upcoming midterms. Some people said they were still thinking about it, some people said that they were angry enough to vote Democrat, some people were just mad in general at politicians. All understandable. The quote that really struck me was from a couple (I feel like they are old, married, and white. I have no proof of that, though.) Their quote was basically "We will vote Republican no matter what happens." Now, that just strikes me as dumb. I hate this whole concept of "party loyalty." I vote for the person I agree with most, be they Republican or Democrat or Independent or whatever. If there is a Democrat up for election who disagrees with everything I believe the most strongly in? I'm not voting for him. I'll write myself in if I have to, sent a protest vote. And if a Republican I agree with runs, I may very well vote for him. Like I would consider voting for McCain, whose main obstacle to getting my vote is his base. Why would I blindly go along with a party, just because they're "my" party? Screw that. I swear, some of the people would vote Republican even if Jesus himself came down and told them that voting Republican led straight to hell. **

*Okay, those of you in the area may have seen these. But the political campaigns using puppies? Crack me up. The first is the guy himself saying, "they may make crazy claims, like I hate puppies. Well I love puppies." The new one from his opponent is now "He may love puppies, but what do puppies have to do with government?" It's just all so random.
**Apparently Orbitz has a disclaimer on their ad with Snoop saying that chewing Orbitz does not get you into heaven.

Am I Funny to You? Am I a Clown, Here for Your Amusement?

I put this picture up in honor of Cassie having it taken away. That's right, I took away her bed. Why did I do this? Because she apparently decided that it was more fun to poop in her bed than in the litter box. And I am not letting that get to be a habit. So I put her bed in the closet she's not allowed in, and this morning she used the litter box. I was much relieved. It was kind of funny yesterday, because I put my foot in my shoe and thought, "Oh, no" when I felt something, but it was just her little play mouse. Which she oh so sweetly brought me last night and put on my back. (I was lying on my stomach.)

So SB leaves for far-off lands tonight. I know I said he was leaving last week, but part of his trip was cancelled. Now he's gone for two weeks and I am sad. And more broke, as he pays for a good portion of my food. I know he'll have fun, though.

I was reading an article in Slate today about why we need to be funny. Apparently, even IBM staff is trying to make humorous clips about need-to-know issues. It made me think. Because it seems like everyone wants to date someone "who can make them laugh," everyone wants to be friends with the funny guy or girl. I've even seen job postings that require a sense of humor. When did being funny get so important? Not that I don't like to laugh. Because who doesn't? But I also like to think and have intelligent discussions. I don't want to be around someone who tries to make everything funny. Let's face it. Some things aren't funny. And people trying to be funny when they aren't is also not funny. But since our culture seems to have made humor the crucial part to having friends, more people seem to feel the need to be funny. Just look at the blogging world. Or at least the comments. The favorite blogs are the ones that are funny, and the comments are always, "OMG, that was so funny! I just died. You are teh funniest EVAH." Not to denegrate these blogs or those commenters. (Though I feel those comments don't always add to the conversation. Except for the one I read this morning about someone snorting out coffee at a staff meeting while reading a blog. That one gave me an amusing mental picture.) Is it that we, as a culture, as a generation, whatever, are so inundated with depressing things, we don't want to think? We need to laugh to keep from crying? Or are we trying to escape from reality? I'm all for using humor as a coping mechanism. I loved White Noise, which is a book all about the humor in horrible situations. But I feel that all this emphasis on humor and being funny and able to laugh at everything might be blinding us as a society to other qualities that are important, as well as creating pressure on those who aren't funny to be something they are not. So relax, non-funny people. Feel no obligation to make me laugh, or entertain me! Instead, why don't we have a deep discussion? Or we can just sit in silence doing Sudoku and crossword puzzles. Whatever you would like.

Murkiness

I miss my bloggers. So many quit (okay, like two and I swear I'll change the sidebar sometime to reflect those and the ones I've added. Then again, my new big project is to practice HTML by reworking the whole layout... It'd be great! But we'll see) and now, every morning, I have so few I want to read. I know I've found more that I liked, but then I forget which ones and they vanish into the murky recesses of my mind.

Speaking of murky recesses, I have been having the most BIZARRE dreams lately. And, now that I think about it, snakes have featured fairly prominently in at least two. And in both, the snakes were trying to bite me (one dream, they were venomous, the other they weren't). The venomous snakes were in a strange dream about a video game/amusement park/pirate skelatons. The good guy was a pirate and had a certain number of lives, but we weren't sure how many and so the snakes were very perilous. I should go see an analyst who can interpret how everything in the dream represents an aspect of myself or sex (a la Freud). I also had one last night that featured the K family, best friends of my family while we were in the military and for a good few years after both families got out. Actually, my dad still sees Dr. K every once in a while and Dr and Mrs. K came to my brother's wedding. Anyways, they apparently (inside my mind) live in a giant house propped up on two sets of two slabs, one of which is angled on top of the other. Kind of like a bug, actually, with long legs. There was also something about Christmas and me being excited... And maybe some Halloween in there, too. It's all a bit fuzzy. At least, I didn't dream about weddings or my teeth. Those were both topics for a while.

Also, as MSN informs me, necrophilia is currently not a crime in Wisconsin. They found this out when tryign to charge 3 men with digging up a five-day-old corpse and trying to have sex with it. Which brings one word to mind... EWWWW... That and that boys are strange. As CW and I discussed, if one were that desperate for sex, why wouldn't you get a prostitute? Or a blow-up doll? CW thought the blow-up doll would be the most appropriate, since it would even seem lifeless. No matter what, though, it's gross. I mean, I was into Spike on Buffy, mainly because he was British, brooding, and HOT, but he at least was of the undead. The actually dead? [shudders] What can be the appeal? Honestly. The whole thing is beyond my comprehension. How many of these people are out there? Doesn't it all smell? I thought about googling it to see if I could find some numbers and if they wear jewelry like pedophils do, but I don't want that in my google search record.

My head hurts. I'm going home. And by going home, I mean run home to eat quickly before going to choir.

Not as bad as expected

So the dreaded day was not nearly so dreaded as imagined. Why was today dreaded? WEll, mainly because the boss came back today from vacation. Now you might say, "Oh, she's just come back from vacation, she'll be all nice and relaxed." Which might have been true if she had gone on vacation during a normal time. But she decided to go on vacation when we have massive goings on, when 18 things are being completed and sent out, and when we're in the middle of hiring. So she comes back to 37 things that should have been done yesterday, but couldn't because she wasn't here and she must approve everything. Luckily, she's been pretty busy on calls and such and therefore has not been such a terror. And I think she's a little afraid of hurting my feelings (I think she thinks I'm young and fragile... HA!) so she's relatively nice to me even when she's upset. I thank the blushing. Because everytime she's tried to be mean or upset with me, I started blushing and we all know that the blushing is adorable. It may become my secret weapon. "I screwed up? I'll take full blame. [blushing begins] Ha! Now you can't be really mad at me!!!" Plus if she went crazy on me today, I may have snapped. I'm tired and cranky and beware. Because, again, if it's my fault, I'll take the blame. It's being blamed for things that I have no control over that drives me mad.

I also figured today wouldn't be great because of all the mishaps. Yesterday, for example, my doorknob broke. Meaning I got home from work and couldn't get in. Poor Cassie heard my keys and started crying. It was heart-wrenching. The building maintenance guy had to cut off my doorknob. This is the second time. I was not amused. So Cassie had to be locked in my closet/bathroom/changing area today so she wouldn't escape out the door while they put in a new doorknob. So I leave work this morning, feeling all guilty for locking her in a small room, and catch the bus and get to the metro. Where the metro card I had stolen from SB (he had left over cards from when his family was here) chose not to work. To get it replaced, I have to go somewhere "to the right and upstairs" at the Pentagon. I don't really know where the guy was talking about. Oh well. So I missed my train because I had to go and ask the manager and then walk back to the machines and put money on my smartrip. Then my muffin did not have the sugar on top that I enjoy so much. It was still a good muffin, and reduced fat, but I really like the sugar. It makes it so nice and crispy... But the day is almost over and then I can go home and let my poor kitten out. And I finally dealt with some insurance thing that I've been meaning to deal with forever. Mmm... and I have cold watermelon at home. I might have to go home and ball me some melon... :-D

Like Disneyland, only weirder

So this weekend. This weekend was SB family time. And I like his family. I do. They're a bit rural, but nice enough. I actually really like bits and pieces. Like his dad's sister. Really like her. And one of his cousins. And his grandparents on one side. But yes. But the family visiting consisted of: SB mom, SB dad, SB grandparents on his dad's side, and SB aunt on dad's side. Now his grandparents decided that everyone should drive out there. So rather than a quick 2-hour flight, they had a 12-hour drive. This created some under the hidden resentment on the part of aunt and mom, as they then lost several hours of tourist/shopping time. Plus the grandparents weren't planning on going in the first place and aren't incredibly mobile, so what they can do is somewhat limited. Then the grandparents decided they wanted to see their friends up in Baltimore. SB suggested that we meet them in Annapolis, because Annapolis is cute and that way, people not caring so much about the friends could still enjoy the day. This was overriden by the grandfather. Not that he really cared THAT much, as long as he got to see his friends. But I don't think he likes planning and he can't hear very well, so I think the cell phone is hard on him. And since no one complained, we all went up to Baltimore. Lovely, lovely Baltimore which is not lovely. Not lovely at all.

But before the joyous Baltimore trip was the trip to the Masonic temple in Alexandria. Now those of you in the area will recognize it. For those of you not in the area, the beginning of Old Town is this ginormous building that is a combination of a lighthouse (in size and shape) and a cathedral. It's all imposing and remeniscent of the Washington Monument (I say that because my brother once thought it was...). I am not a Mason. I am not particularly fond of the Masons. I think it is a strange, strange group and I'm not a big fan of a group that claims to be powerful, is full of "alternate" history theories, and does not allow women. So I wasn't in a respectful mood anyways. SB's family, however, does have Masons, including SB, SB's dad, and SB's grandfather. So snarkiness had to be ruled in. The first thing that struck me was the strangeness of having stained glass of the Founders. They even had little small stained glass around the edges that showed specific events. My favorite was the small one showing John Adams being inoculated. Because when I think stained glass, I think protection from disease. Also, there is a giant, frightening statue of Washington wearing Masonic garb.

Then we moved on to the tour. The tour covers the tower portion of the temple. And the tower tries to steal several different histories, most notably those of hte Jews, the Egyptians, and all Christians. The tour itself consists of the guide pressing the button, the lights going down with spotlights on the area currently being discussed, and the booming voice telling us that the menorah is an important symbol to the Masons. They even have a replica of the Ark of the Covenant, but you are only allowed to see it for the 15 seconds that the curtains open. They also have icons showing the Masons putting Masonic symbols into the Ark of the Covenant. Impressive, since no one really knows where it is and no one could touch it without dying. They have a temple for the Knights Templar (not the real ones, whihc the Masons probably have no real connection to), a replica of King Solomon's throne room, and many pictures in the Egyptian style showing Jewish stories. Our guide claimed you only had to believe in a higher deity to be a Mason, but I have a REALLY hard time imagining anyone of any religion besides Christianity being comfortable there. I don't know. I walked out of there feeling annoyed with the whole group. I know that now it is mainly an organization where older men get together and hang out. But they were trying to claim parts of history that they have no right to. I was expecting them to start claiming that the builders of every wonder of the world were big M Masons. (Obviously they were actually little m masons, as they were stoneworkers.) But I wasn't allowed to complain or make comments because SB's grandfather is very proud that he has been a Mason for 62 years. I think I deserve a lollipop. Or something.

I don't have time for a real entry, but stay tuned for tomorrow's. There shall be much snarkiness about many topics, including the Masons. (Apologies to any Masons out there.)

More than Missionary

Why has Cassie shoved her head inside a box? I don't know. There was a plastic bag in there and she does love her some plastic bags. Plastic bags and paper are like the two things that make her happiest. Though her new happy thing is to jump on things that make loud noises. Like a box or a paper bag. Which she decided to do at 6:00 this morning, making me not very happy. It didn't help that SB decided he wanted to chat last night after he left his family and thus kept me up until entirely too late. Which I later spazzed out on him for, since I wasn't feeling great and CW is horribly ill and I don't want to get whatever she has and thus I wanted to sleep a lot. And while it's very sweet that he wants to cuddle/be with me and talk, I'd rather he paid attention to the time and the fact that, while he is off today, I am not and need to get stuff done. Between the two of them, I think I got maybe 6 hours of sleep last night which is totally not enough for me.

It looks like I have to say farewell to another blog I read. Liberal Banana apparently is jumping ship, too. I would start to think it had something to do with me ("Man, I love blogging, but Rebecca's comments... They just drive me nuts!"), but I think it's blogosphere-wide and several people I don't read have quit as well. Even bloggers who haven't quit have cut back and seem to be suffering writer's block. I know that I am... Even coming up with comments on posts that I like has been difficult. I go, I pull up the screen, I start to write something. And then I close out the page.

Though MSN tends to save me, having funny articles that make me want to post. Like...this. This article is about a preacher who is trying to encourage Christians to be more experimental with their sex lives. And I mean, he is REALLY detailed in some of it. For example. He gives tips to guys on how to make their cum taste better. He thinks anal is fine, as long as there is no physical damage. A position in the Kama Sutra intrigue you? Go for it. Now, all these things are supposed to take in a married relationship, you aren't supposed to lust after others besides your spouse (thus, no porn), and no outsiders should be involved (no threesomes). So there are limits. But the limits kind of make sense. Loving, committed relationships are crucial to opening up to someone else, and I've heard that threesomes rarely work out well for the couple, even if both partners were all about it. The fact that he is encouraging the Christian community to talk about sexuality is great. Christians can be so repressed and are taught so frequently to think that sex is evil and a sin. Hello? God wouldn't have made it feel so good if He/She didn't want us to do it. I mean, procreation is important and all, but only like three species have sex for fun (us, dolphins, and I believe monkeys). Why shouldn't we revel in that? Enjoy sex for its creation of closeness? Be comfortable in our own skins? Have fun getting to know ourselves and someone we love?

I also enjoyed that article because it reminds me of my small group in college. Emily's parents had sent her a taped sermon on the same topic, focusing on "Song of Solomon." In the Song of Solomon, the male compares his love's breasts to fawns. Which led to "fawns are fun. They're bouncy." Seriously, there are some strange similes in that book. Sigh. The number of sex-related conversations I remember with that group is a bit ridiculous. It was a fun group, though...

Rainy Day Blues

I'm feeling a bit melancholy today. I blame the weather. And something in the air. And the fact that SB is going away for 3 weeks next week and I'm trying not to be horribly jealous of him (I love traveling... especially abroad. It's not fair.) or mean to him because he's leaving me. I know he's not really leaving me and it's his work and he has to go. But he's excited about it and I want him to be excited about it. But it's going to be sad not having him here.

And then KassyK wrote an entry about people dying young. Which made me think of Bethany. Those of you who don't know, Bethany was the little sister of Emily, one of my high school friends. I remember watching Bethany grow up a bit. Not that I knew her that well, but she went on a couple of trips with the French classes and choir. She was just a funny kid, quirky and individualistic and not caring what anybody thought of her. I hadn't seen either Emily or Bethany in a few years (basically since I graduated high school) when Bethany died. She went for a hike with her friends at a camp she was working at. It was a few days before the camp ended. And she tripped and fell over a cliff. My friends and I went to the viewing to support Emily. It was sad that that was what finally brought us all together again.

Then I read that Ann Richards died. Now, Ann Richards has not had much of an impact on my life. Except for her famous quote, "Ginger Rogers did everything that Fred Astaire did. She just did it backwards and in high heels," which makes me think of the Rent song, "The Tango Maureen." But I was reading the article and it mentioned that she had a drinking problem, caused mainly because she had such high expectations of herself, that she could never live up to them. SB has always said that I am too hard on myself and expect too much. I've always replied that that is because I know what I am capable of, I know what I should be able to do. Maybe I'm falling into the same trap she did. But then it raises the question of whether or not that's a bad thing. Because I feel like I do know what I am capable of and it's not that I expect myself to be perfect. It's that I know that I need to be pushed and I know that very few things have ever REALLY challenged me. That's not to say that things haven't been hard or I've done well on everything I've tried. But I know when things are my fault and I know when they aren't. I can accept that there are some things I'm just not good at (ultimate comes to mind, although I probably could be decent at that if I tried and were willing to look stupid in front of many people). And I'm learning that the more I'm challenged, the better work I do. Which is something I feel I've known inherently for a while. (Hence the need to do a semester abroad or go to college where I don't know anyone, even though I desperately hate change.) So where is the line? When does it go from challenging myself to punishing myself? Do I cross that line more than I think I do? And should I even be constantly pushing myself to do better, be better?

I have to say, though, if it is unhealthy to push myself so much, these past two jobs have really sucked that will out of me. To a point, anyways. But not being able to challenge myself bothers me as well. I don't know. It's all a big mush.

Not quite a parfait, but not bad

Oi. I am SO tired. Cassie has recently decided that RUNNING AS FAST AS YOU CAN is very entertaining. Last night she decided to do this back and forth across my bed, pausing only to attack my feet, my legs, my hip, trying to attack my back, but sliding off, and then dashing off. Cute? Maybe. Less so at 3 in the morning...

So this weekend SB's parents come to visit. Actually, it's his parents and aunt and grandparents. I'm not so much looking forward to this visit. It's not that I don't like them. I do. Though his grandparents are a bit intimidating. It's just that I'm tired and getting over something and my stomach hurts and SB goes out of town for like 3 weeks next week and I really just wish it was another weekend. And Cassie will be alone a lot this weekend and she doesn't like that. Oh well. At least it's getting to be fall. Even if I can't open my windows because the screens are full of holes. Yes, I'm getting new ones in that they are replacing all the screens and windows in the building. I do, however, have to wait until they get to me. And it's taking forever.

My building amuses me. Not my apartment building (they annoy me because they take so much of my salary in rent every month), but my office building. There are so many great people-watching moments here. Like today, for instance. Today, the building had free ice cream, coffee, and pastries as a kind of "get to know the new manager" type thing. Of course CW and I partook. I mean, it's free, it's sweets... what more could you want? Well, yes, they could have been served on silver platters by hot young men who also handed you flowers and nice wine, but let's be realistic. We go downstairs and there are several people waiting in line for the ice cream. We stand in line and this old woman, she must have been seventy, eighty at least, tries to cut. She "didn't have to wait in any line for her ice cream." This other older woman (probably in her 70's) actually confronts her and won't let her cut. They get into a bit of a spat with the cutter trying to cut, wandering away, then wandering back and cutting some other people. The confronter told her that she was no more important than anyone else waiting in line and she should have to wait. The cutter cut anyways, and the confronter walked off muttering, "just who does she think she is." You might be wondering why we have such elderly people in our building. Our building is connected to some rather expensive apartments. So many of the people who live there feel rather entitled. It was nice to see one of htem standing up for us.

Hurts So Good

There comes a point in any job with a not-so-great boss where things go from being frustrating and stressful to being funny. I just reached that point. I had really started to let her get to me, wear me down, and make me feel bad about myself. And then she goes and does something that reminds me of who I am dealing with. And it just helps to remind me that it's really not me. It makes me excited for my "let's bitch about everything" lunch that should be happening next week with my friend from church.

So this season on Ellen the main focus is going to be life lists. She totally stole this from me. Who has had a life list for YEARS? Oh, that would be me. I think she should make it up to me by helping me cross a few small things off that list. I've done a few by now (kissed a boy, moved to a big city), but there are things left to be crossed off. And she could facilitate. Like the whole riding in a one-horse open sleigh thing. Who doesn't want to do that?! And I just googled a bunch and found some. SB, GET PLANNING!!!

Perspective

Well, I know it has been a sad, lonely time without my daily posts. Okay, so I only skipped two. And work was busy/hellish and I may begin pulling out my hair in frustration, but that is okay.

I did kind of go off on a girl yesterday after lunch about liking your job. She is dating a guy who only works because he likes it. His family is independently wealthy. I declared that I needed to talk to my parents about that. (Not that I would really let them support me entirely. I'd feel to guilty. But I could guiltlessly live off of a trust-fund...) This girl thought that having to work for money helped people find what they were good at and thus their passion. I don't really agree. I mean, I don't think sitting around doing nothing because you have all the money you need is healthy. But if I didn't HAVE to work, I would spend my time trying to find the things that I really loved doing. Things that excited me. I'm not saying there wouldn't be some lazy lying around for a few weeks or months. And I'd totally travel for a while. But right now, I can't just hop from job to job. I can't afford it. I have to make strategic moves to better employment. But I don't really know what would be better employment, so where am I supposed to go? Thus hatched the grad school plan. Another girl yesterday (after my tirade) asked what I wanted to do after that. I said that was what the two years were for. :-)

As other bloggers today have said, I could do a perspective on the past five years or what September 11 means to me. But what is there left to say? It was tragic, life-changing even, changed the course of this country and thus the world. But saying it was tragic isn't going to help those who have lost someone. It doesn't change anything.

Warm-up Pants!!!!

Note the crazy eyes in this picture. This is what I wake up to every morning.

Today has been a day of ups and downs. First of all, we must say farewell to Belligerent Intellectual of the Daily Dump who left us so abruptly and with only juicy tidbits of an explanation. He is the only blog I've ever read that has groupies. I mean, seriously. Women offering themselves up to him. Of course, it's all online so one can be racier than usual. But still. I won't say that I'll work more with him gone (because, really. Let's face it. I'll do as much work as I want to do or have to do, but no more, and I can really find other distractions if I need to). But it does make me sad. So Dan, if I weren't lazy, I would offer up a montage of your funnier stories. Too bad that I am and therefore will not. Instead, I will pass out in a drunken stupor tonight in honor of you. (Not really. I do have work tomorrow and have never passed out and really, I'm not sure a blog passing is a good reason to start. Or deal with a hangover.)

In good news, I heard back from a professor of whom I asked grad school advice and a recommendation. After the whole Oxford tutor thing, I was feeling a bit panicked. Because if my tutor in Oxford tried to claim that he didn't know my work well enough, anyone could. But this professor remembered me (another worry), a presentation I did for his class, gave me advice, AND said he'd write me a recommendation. So I can breathe a sigh of relief. There was a reason he was my favorite prof. (That and he was totally cute in a nerdy way and I had a crush on him and was kind of tempted to stalk him by taking like 4 classes with him...)

Speaking of college crushes, someone got here by googling Tom Coverdale. Which got them into my archives, because Tom was FOREVER ago, but it made me laugh. And wonder how many pages they had to go through. Sigh. That was such a golden spring for me. Crushes galore, a flirtation, a championship run and rioting... And the wonderful WARM-UP PANTS (I totally yelled that randomly in college). I would totally get SB a pair of those if they weren't like $125. Because something about them is hot. Those of you who don't agree? Well, I just don't care.

Meanderings

My friend just sent out pictures of her and her husband and their new house. I may hate her. Or be horribly jealous. Probably more of the second. Although her husband is going to be gone 6 months of the year (he's in the military), so maybe it's okay that they can buy a house in Washington...

Spyboy and I came so close to making this a holiday weekend without a fight. We've had a bad track record over the past six months. So basically on Memorial Day and on the Fourth. Last night was minor compared to those, but still. Not fun. It's all hashing out communication issues. Mainly he does not communicate well. Or at all sometimes. Why do guys always claim the excuse, "I didn't know what to say?" Because, really. That can only work so many times before the girl gets fed up with it. Not knowing what to say is no excuse for not saying anything. Poor Cassie. She shouldn't have to see such fights.

I have to say, Steve Irwin's death bothers me much more than I would have thought. I mean, I never really cared much about the guy. I kind of respected him for defying death so often. I thought he was entertaining in a "why the hell would you do that" type way. I watched his show a grand total of once. But I think the thing that really bothers me is that he died not stung by a poisonous snake or because his head got bitten off by a crocodile (though he actually was pretty careful with those). No. He died doing something tourists do. His cameraman claims Steve never saw the stingray before it stung him. And even then, stingrays are rarely fatal. But it hit him right in the heart. It's just bizarre. And now there is no crazy Australian animal lover who jumps on crocodiles on tv for our entertainment and to encourage us to love wildlife. It makes me sad.

On a completely different topic... what does dreaming about weddings mean? Because I keep dreaming about them and teeth and it's starting to bother me. Last night also included a fabulous dream about french and not being that good at it. Oh well. At least my dreams are true to life... Wait. Then what does that mean about the weddings? Because that's not happening. Nope. Not for a while, anyways. Crap...

What's in a blog?

You know what I would like? I would like for once at work to be able to ask someone exactly what they wanted, in what format they wanted it, what the purpose of it was, and when they wanted it by and to have all of those questions answered. Instead, we have our current haphazardness, where the procedure seems to be giving vague directions (from multiple people, of course), no real timelines (they are currently either "we needed it yesterday" or "whenever you get around to it"), and then expecting exactly what the boss was thinking of but never told you that that was what they wanted. Frustrating, huh?

Anyways, to ignore that frustration and move onto something else that has been bothering me. Recently several bloggers have been talking about the role of blogs. Which is an interesting topic. Blogging can and will change the world and the way we communicate. Look at the role of blogging and online communities in politics and in business. If a politician or business gets on the bad side of the wrong blogger, they can damage their career or business. On the other side, Howard Dean rose to prominence primarily because of his success in raising awareness through the internet.

I think all of that is fascinating. Honestly. I'd totally take a class or do a study on it. More bloggers, however, seem mostly interested in why people blog. Which you might think a blogger would know; afterall, who can understand a blogger better than a fellow blogger? Why do we write these things? Is it because we want an audience? I think that has to be true for most bloggers. Why else write something to put online? People say it's a good way to stay up with friends, and that's certainly true, but if that's your sole mission, then why not just send group update emails? I remember reading once that most people who write in diaries have an imagined audience. That is something I completely understand. When I write in my diary, I picture someone, somewhere, at some time finding it and reading it. In a blog, the audience becomes immediate. For some bloggers, it seems to be a popularity contest. How many readers and hits can you get? How many people will write in comments telling you how great and funny or entertaining or intelligent you are? For some, it's perhaps cathartic. It's a way to get something outside of your head, to express your feelings and think that perhaps someone is reading and understanding what you are saying. I know I've been comforted by things I've read in other people's blogs. They feel things that I've felt, say things that I've been too afraid to say, experienced things that are similar to what I've gone through. Some people maybe want a connection. So many bloggers are in big cities, where you pass by hundreds of people everyday, but can count how many really know you on one hand, two or three if you are lucky.

There are many more reasons people blog and they're all legitimate. And here is what bothers me. It seems like so many bloggers trying to figure out why people blog tend to judge or pidgeonhole people. The reasons I blog are probably more complex than I realize. But I do it because I want to. I can see myself in many of the blogs I read. I see real people behind them. I don't care why they blog. I don't care how many people read their blog. If I don't like the blog, I don't go back. It doesn't mean that my blog or a more popular blog (not that that's hard at this point) is any better or any worse than that blog. It just means the topic might not interest me. Because, let's face it. No matter what topic you write about, you're only writing about yourself. There are some blogs out there with a specific topic area and specific readership. But for the most part, it's just people talking about whatever they want to. With as much information is out there, the only novel thing a blogger can bring to teh internet is their own perspective, their own experiences, and their own voice. And no one should judge that.

Lonely little shoe

Today I saw a shoe. This might not seem strange in and off itself. But this shoe was missing a foot, an owner, a mate. It was sitting all by itself on the curb. This made me wonder. How do you lose a shoe like that? If it were right outside a hotel or apartment building or dorm, I might be able to understand that. After all, someone might be moving stuff in or out of a room and just have had a shoe fall out. But this one wasn't. It was all alone, lost. And I couldn't help but want to know its story.

Whatever, Wilson

This woke me up last night. Not that I wasn't prepared for it, thanks to article. Well, that one and the 180000000 others written about that stupid bridge. Really. They blow up one bridge and it becomes this huge mass production. Yes, I know that they have been working on it forever. I know like a zillion people cross it every day in their commute from hell. The reason it matters to me though? A. it woke me up. I don't like that. Even if I'm prepared. And there is no way that that was "as loud as a thunderclap." I slept through an earthquake once but this woke me up. (True story, too. My friend woke up, saw everything shaking, saw me sleeping and thought it was a dream. The next morning, everyone was talking about it. I didn't even roll over. No recollection of the shaking at all.) And B. I didn't get a free carwash. I realize most of you aren't going to read those articles (really, they aren't that interesting), so let me explain. The Wilson Bridge is a pain in the neck for all involved. The commuters hate it. The neighborhood around it hates it. The construction project, only half-way done btw, has been going on for years. And the construction teams have constantly put the convienence of the drivers above that of the local people. Not without reason. After all, if they blew something up or shut anything down vaguely close to rush-hour, the entire city would implode. Or at least a lot of people would be very late and very pissed. So the loud construction has been done at night. Such as loud explosions that really aren't that exciting. ANYWAYS. All this construction has also made a lot of dust, dust which gets on everyone's car. (It also has rattled a lot of snakes. Can you imagine waking up with a snake around your arm? Oh, it happened. Not to me. But it happened.) In order to make up at least for the dust, since they can't do anything about the lost sleep, they handed out free carwash coupons. I live relatively close to this area. My car indubitably has become more dusty thanks to the construction. But did I get a coupon? No! I had to pay for my carwash, which wasn't all that thorough, thank you very much. I feel they owe me.

Foodgasms

Sorry no post or picture on Friday. Blogger was being a pain and I had work to do, so... Also, I promise that I'll get more recent pictures of Cassie to put up soon. These are all from two batches, both of which were taken at least two weeks ago. And two weeks is a big deal in the life of a kitten. For example, since the last one of these pictures was taken, Cassie discovered tv. She also has developed that awkward legginess of a teen, has taken to attacking my legs while I'm walking, and now has a tiny little belly. Since I just know all my readers want to be a part of that... Though, if you really cared, you'd either send me money to pay for an internet connection at home or start campaigning my boss to give me a raise.

So, date weekend was fun. The Carlyle was amazing. I had the best steak (probably not as good as Little Zagrebs, but up there, and definitely better atmosphere). They even butterflied it so it would be cooked the way I liked it. And I didn't even ask. And the bread pudding? OMG, SO GOOD. It was a complete food-gasm. White chocolate, with melted caramel in the middle and topped with ice cream. I thought my stomach was goign to explode, but it was worth it. The atmosphere, though, was a little strange. I don't know why the Carlyle has trance music in the downstairs area, but they really need to quit it. It's just annoying. Luckily they turned it down before too long into dinner, but still.

Apparently everything we decided to do on Saturday was somethign the retirement community wanted to do. We got to Shirlington and the line at the movie theater was almost to the parking lot. Most of the older people in line with us wound up at another movie (something about a beach?), but once our theater filled in, it was primarily full of older people as well. And they all clustered around us. Spyboy said he was getting a little claustrophobic. There were very few buffer seats. It was strange. Then at the restaurant, it was all older people or families. I mean, I know we aren't hip, but are we really on the same level as retired people and families? It was like 7:30, totally a decent eating time. Though I was glad we were there, because we wound up chating with this woman who had been abandoned by her family. Seriously, they came and sat and then all four of them (son, daughter-in-law, two grandkids) left for 20 minutes at least. It was the daughter-in-law's birthday and the woman was from near Annapolis and REALLY didn't want to drive all the way to Arlington, but did anyways. And then they just leave her? What could have needed to be done in Shirlington at 7:30 when you're waiting for a table that took all 4 of them? And then, when they were there, they just ignored her. Their baby though? So freaking cute.

Also, I've started getting google hits. Whee!! They're a little strange, but highly entertaining...

Cyberstalking

So the tail sticking out of the bag is Cassie, the bag itself is my gym bag (ie full of slightly smelly clothes), and no, I did not put her in there. She dove in all on her own. Though I am growing more tempted to throw her in there. She really has got to stop this getting up at 6:30 and running on me thing. This morning? She was purring while attacking me. It was a little disturbing.

CW is starting a cyber-stalking plan. Completely legit, I promise. Her boyfriend gets a call from a girl and hurries to get it and then reminds CW that she has in fact heard of said girl, because he has listed her on this stupid crush thing. Which really. I mean, this boy has got to be smart, but are you kidding me? He really should know better. So CW is hunting her down just to see what she's like. Which all reminds me of The Little Black Book, a movie I never saw mainly because I thought it'd give me ideas. As some of you might know, I wanted to stalk SB's exes, but restrained myself. Mainly because I don't know any of their last names and can hardly remember their first. Though one of them apparently has gotten married and had a child. I remembered her last name because it was the same as SB's. I made fun of him a lot for that. The sad thing is that I still would cyberstalk these girls if I could. And I'd update him and make him feel guilty and role his eyes at me. It'd be great. I also cyberstalk former friends. Like my former best friend's older brother? Did some of the graphic work on the second Zorro movie. It was cool.

And yet another reason to be proud of SB. He planned a date for this weekend. I'm so excited. We're going out to eat at a very good restaurant, courtesy of his place of employment, and then we're going to see Little Miss Sunshine. Which is sweet because I know he really wants to see Talladega Nights. My last getting upset may actually have made a difference for once. It only took four years...

Nudity and Death Don't Mix

I'd always had the plan of getting Cassie on Cute Overload. I sent in a picture, but she never posted it. I may have to boycott. Or probably not. Because, let's face it, it's still a cute website, even if she doesn't always have the best taste. I am going to have to make another coffee shop run, though, so I can upload more pictures of Cassie for you people. I'm running precariously low.

So there was no surprise last night from SB. Not even a good meal (we had frozen stirfry). He did, however, clean my kitchen like it hasn't been cleaned in a while and did the dishes that I didn't want to do. So I guess we'll let it slide. I mean, it's not like the time he told me (after I had taken a day off work to spend it with his family at his graduation) that it would have been so much easier for him if I hadn't gone to dinner with them. He of course told me this on the way to dinner with his family, making dinner so. much. fun. Yeah, that was just great... Plus he means well and while I didn't get a surprise, I now have a clean kitchen.

This story entertains me highly. For those of you too lazy to click there, apparently in some parts of China, it was common practice to have a strip tease at funerals. Why? No, not because sex is a reaffirmation of life or because of some strange religious ritual. Because the more people who came to a funeral, the more it honors the deceased. Are you kidding me? Doesn't bribing people to come to a funeral kind of defeat the honor aspect? "So many people cared deeply for your uncle. Look, 250 showed up!" [pan out to show scene consisting of a few people mourning, the rest (all men) clustered around a corner while a girl eases her shirt off her shoulders) I mean, I want my funeral to be a party (an Irish-style wake), but that's a bit extreme.

Baby Steps

OMG. My brother has a myspace!!! That makes me laugh. Maybe I'll try and get him to friend me. Since I only have 7 friends myself on Myspace. The funny thing is how we wound up there. (CW and me). We actually were there for work. Kind of. We were looking to see if anyone we knew would have connections with someone we want to have a work connection with. And then I found my brother's friend and then I thought, "hmm... I wonder if HE has a myspace page." And he does. Of course, it still claims he's single and he doesn't want kids and he hasn't even logged in for over a year. But still. It entertains me.

I do have to give a shout out to Spyboy. Even though we had a tiff last night. Except that it wasn't so much a tiff as him accidentally being mean to me and then feeling absolutely horrible for it. I expect something special tonight. At least a good meal. Maybe Guapos... I love Guapos. Mainly their butter sauce. But yes. See, he is not good at follow-through. But he actually went and got tickets for the Dar Williams' concert ALL BY HIMSELF. YEs, I told him that she was coming and sent him the page. But he went online without me and bought them without me nagging or anything. I'm very proud of him. Baby steps and all.

Family tidings

I think I may get more hits when I post pictures of Cassie. Who I swear has gained like a pound in the past week or so and who is scarfing down food like none other. And who only seems to want to sleep on the bed when both Spyboy and I are up there. Otherwise, she just likes to jump up there, check on me, and attack me before running off. If we're both up there, though, she'll crawl on one of us or nestle in the crook of an arm or the curve of a back adn fall asleep. I think it might be because Spyboy radiates heat like a freaking sauna.

So I've decided my family is just depressingly successful. Or at least my brother and his wife. My brother? Graduated when the economy was at its worst in a field that is shrinking and yet manages to get a job a week before he moved up to Boston at a great organization where they love him and give him great career advice. Now another organization is offering him a decent job in a place where his wife would love to live (she wants to be closer to her family). My sister-in-law gets her PhD, gets a job at another great organization again where they love her and give her promotions and whatnot and bend over backwards to get her to stay there. And I'm not saying these two don't deserve their good breaks. Especially my sister-in-law because most of hers have come through hard work. It's just depressing to hear about all of this from MY end of things. IE stuck in a not-great job, doing stuff that requires very little brainpower, and having no idea of what I'd rather be doing except that this is NOT it. Sigh. Oh well. I'll just have to go to grad school, get a kickass job, and then move somewhere exotic while making tons of money. (No, I'm not competitive with my brother... why do you ask?)

Though at least I didn't have to juggle two cats, a dog, three thirteen year olds, and my aunt, as my parents did a few weekends ago. Not that my cousin and her friends aren't adorable. Well, I haven't met the friends, but my cousin is pretty damn cool, so I'd trust her to have some decent friends. But my aunt, being not entirely sane, thought that bringing their dog on a road trip which involved staying with my parents for a weekend would be a good idea. Now my parents' house has no place for a dog. None of it is fenced in. AND we have two cats, one who is old and cranky, and the other who is huge and playful. Felix (huge and playful) might have gotten along okay with a dog. Oreo (old and cranky) definitely would not. She barely puts up with Felix. But my aunt somehow thought that all would get along. So my poor mother spent the weekend shifting cats from upstairs to the basement, trying to avoid the dog all the while. And then? When the dog (and my relatives) had left? The dog had chewed through the cord of my mom's sewing machine. Of ALL the things to chew through, that would probably be the worst.

Food Network

CW (coworker) yelled at me for not putting up a picture of Cassie yesterday. So today, I shall not be remiss. And SB made fun of me for taking so many pictures of her (and more importantly, none of him). But, as I told him, he's not as cute and he's not going to change that much that quickly. Where as she gets a little bigger (mainly rounder) every day. Now she can even get onto the bathtub, if she runs and hits it at just teh right angle. Of course, she does tend to slide off... And he should take more pictures of her. Like last night. She totally passed out on my legs, all floppy and dead-asleep. Not only did he NOT take a picture (I couldn't; she was on my legs), he also kept fidgeting and waking her up.

While he was fidgeting, we were watching Throwdown, the new Bobby Flay show on the Food Network. This is a show where he surprises people at an event where they are cooking the thing that they are really good at cooking and challenges them. Last night, it was a barbeque. The sad thing, though, was that he shows up at the guy's daughter's birthday party. So basically, the party thrown so everyone could focus on this one girl was interrupted by Bobby and everyone then only paid attention to the throwdown. As a formerly 13-year-old girl, I have to say that this sucks. AND he didn't bring a present. Ina would have totally brought a present. At least Bobby won. But he should remember... It's not ALL about him, no matter how many food network shows he's on.

We also watched the new cake show with the guy in Baltimore who likes to blow stuff up. Like when he made a cake and shot firecrackers out of it and then everyone ate it. I was really looking forward to this show, but honestly? A bit disappointing. I mean, the people who work for him are funny, though his receptionist/manager? Dear God. I'd be afraid to order a cake from them just because she is THAT frightening. Very strict. His anal-retentive head sous-chef was pretty funny, though. I think I'd like to work all day on something like decorating a cake. Though the sous-chef was a little discombobulated to watch the people tear apart the cake he's spent HOURS on.

Mmmm... Leather pants...

So all this work has made my head tired. And I haven't finished two of the things I have to get done this week... OH well...

SB and I were talking last night when I came up with the perfect solution. I will get my parents to support me and then I'll spend a year "trying to find myself." Either that or I could win a grant that will pay me to do that. Either way. I think it's a good solution. Now I must iron out the pesky details, such as the fact that, as far as I know, there are no grants out there to "find yourself" and I don't know that my parents can really afford to support me up here. What with their new house and the addition and all. And I couldn't move home because my dad has sworn that I may never bring Cassie to that house. (He pretends to hate cats, when really he loves them and Cassie would so have him wrapped around her little paw in like five minutes.)

The whole "finding myself" thing reminds me of a past college plan. Jessie and I were going to go travel the world, looking for our motivation. Because we clearly hadnone. This trip was going to involve exotic locals, long leather jackets for us (because long leather jackets are totally badass), and an entourage of hot men wearing tight leather pants. I believe we may have even specified that the tight leather pants for the men needed to be red. Either way, it was going to be great. Hey, maybe there's a grant for that...

In slightly more serious news, I have decided that as an eventual escape plan, I'm going to go to grad school with the goal of starting next fall. I've even already registered for the GRE. In slightly more annoying news, my tutor from Oxford said he wouldn't write me a recommendation because my application would be stronger with a recommendation from someone who "was more familiar with [my] work." Liar. He just didn't want to do it. I met with him for over an hour every week for nearly three months, wrote him 7 papers, and he's not familiar with my work. Hmph. Damn Canadians... (Not really, I have nothing against the Canadians. They seem very nice.)