Searching for Quiet

This week, I was forced to read in a hurry. I'd read most of Game of Thrones, but never finished it because it made me tired and sad. Then a couple of weeks ago, I was metaphorically put in the cone of shame for still having it (I was borrowing it from a coworker who wanted to loan it to another coworker). So I finished An Unexpected Light and then repicked up Game of Thrones and finished it on Tuesday. Which meant that between dance class and work and choir, I really didn't start this week's book until Saturday afternoon.

Somehow I wound up once again on non-fiction, opting to read A Circle of Quiet by Madeleine L'Engle. I have long loved L'Engle's work. A Wrinkle in Time was one of the books that led me toward sci-fi/fantasy, and the whole series has had a profound impact on how I view the universe. Plus I wanted to be Meg, awkward smart Meg who turned into a beauty in A Swiftly Tilting Planet and who found a cute nerdy boy.  Sigh. If only I could meet a Calvin...

Besides that, I mainly picked it because the back had a blurb on how it would make you understand why you got out of bed every morning. And I've been stressed and unhappy and angry and feeling unappreciated because of work, and a reason to get out of bed in the morning sounded appealing. Maybe it would make me feel marginally better, maybe I wouldn't so frequently read emails and literally yell in frustration (which is bad for multiple reasons, including the fact that the writers of these emails could walk by at any moment).

It was exactly what I needed. There have been several moments like that recently, mostly around religion. I'm not particularly comfortable being overtly religious. I don't hide it; my coworkers, for example, all know that I have given up drinking for Lent and that I am in my church choir. But I don't like spontaneous talking about my faith. It feels mushy somehow, and pushy. I'm not a proselytizer, I'm indifferent toward converting those of different faiths, mostly because I question the existence of hell, and I have a hard time believing in a God who would send good people to it just because they grew up in a family with a different religion.

And L'Engle addresses that. The book is nominally about writing, but is actually about life and religion. And she was apparently a religious agnostic. She suffered from the same questions I have, she dealt with some of the same issues. She says things that I have been thinking. She addresses the need for community, something I've been working on, finding it mostly in my church groups, and with my coworkers.

Clearly we would have been best friends, since she also had the same mentality about birthdays I do, which involves reminding people often until they want to smack you, but they will never forget and they will make it special. She talks about some key decades for her, something that hits close to home given my rapidly approaching decade change. It was interesting to read about her challenges; apparently no one wanted to publish A Wrinkle in Time, in part because it didn't neatly fit into any genres. It seemed like most people who read it knew that it was really good, that it was worth publishing. But the fact that it was unusual, and hard to define. That was more of a battle than they were willing to take on.

While L'Engle doesn't really address this, this fits into many of the lessons of her books. After all, look at Meg, and Charles Wallace. Neither fit in. Both are rejected by their society because they don't fit into easy definitions, and both have so much to offer. What are we missing out on by ignoring things that don't fit into our own conceptions? Are we turning down great opportunities because we don't have the energy to fight for them? (This also hit close to home, since I have very little energy to fight for anything right now.)

Given my stress levels and my need for calm, perhaps the strongest reaction I had is not so strange. L'Engle mentions the fun she and her daughters had sitting on the star-watching rock, feeling the warmth it had absorbed during the day, and staring at the sky. And I had this intense reaction of familiarity. All of a sudden, I was shot into my mental image of the star-watching rock from A Wrinkle in Time, the quiet expectancy of the space. The calm serenity. And I wanted nothing more than to have a rock like that to go lie on.

I long for the sanctuary she built for herself and I love her for the awkwardness she describes. And I'm re-adding all of her books to my "must read again" list. Because these books show me who I am and who I want to be.

Risks, Danger, and Welcome in Afghanistan

My ex took Uzbek the first summer we were dating. He was never that good at it (at least not that I could tell), which isn't super surprising, considering it was an eight-week class. But once he met my uncle and they bonded over a fascination with that region of the world, my presents from my uncle took a particular bent. A mask, an antique rice steamer.

Between the two of them, I began to develop a fascination with the region, as did my mom (who was planning on taking a fabric trip to Uzbekistan, and who I believe is still obsessed with yurts). A fascination that was only strengthened by this week's book, An Unexpected Light: Travels in Afghanistan by Jason Elliot, which is part travel memoir, part history book.

I tend not to be good at reading these type of books. I start them with grand expectations. Hopes that I can live vicariously through the author, get a glimpse into a different world. And then I start. And I get bogged down, and I lose motivation, and I never finish.

BUT that is part of what this project is about. So when I felt like putting down the book, I plugged through. There is a lot of history included in this book, and while I enjoy history, at times, it turns into "and then so-and-so did x," and my eyes start to glaze over. That is not to say that I didn't enjoy the book. There are some truly beautiful scenes, and I long for the day that the region is peaceful enough that I can go without giving my parents a heart attack. The people, their culture. There were moments in the book that made me wish that we could be more like that. Elliot receives so much welcome; he shows up in strange towns, knowing no one, at most having a letter of introduction. And the only occasion where he is not welcome is because of westerners and their culture and lack of trust. The thought of a place where guests are revered, where someone showing up unexpectedly is not a problem or an inconvenience, but a gift, is alluring. A place where people have no reservations about giving others the best.

Throughout, the danger is prevalent. It is a part of the narrative, almost becoming a character in the story. Kabul is under constant attack while Elliot is living there. Driving around the city at night, they go through checkpoints which include having guns pointed at your head. Everyone seems armed. Rockets hit around the city, destroying buildings and lives. There are parts of the city he cannot go, there are limits to where he can travel in the countryside. At one point, he attempts to travel through the center of the country, and while he makes it further than many recommended, he stops when he is told that the next part of the journey would result in his death. "Even a chicken would be shot going through there." (Approximate quote, since I am too lazy to try and find the real one.)

And the danger leads to something in the book that really struck me. Sometimes I feel like I'm coasting through life, waiting to meet someone, get married, have kids. Then my real life will start. I've talked to other people who feel the same way. And Elliot addresses this, saying during his time in Afghanistan, he felt truly alive. Whether it's because of the risks of driving on perilous roads through the mountains, the knowledge of possible death, the lack of material goods, he seems to live every moment in a way that is difficult from a cushy, but stressed-out western perspective. What can we learn from both his experiences and the Afghan way of life, and how can we translate that into something that works for our culture?

Myself, I will try and be more open to surprises, and more generous with the guests in my life. And possibly, push my self to live as though I am "sucking the marrow from the bones of life."

Hanna's Daughters: A Mother's (Lack of) Voice

This week's book was Hanna's Daughters. The most interesting thing about this one was not the plot; it focused on three Swedish women, and to be honest, at times the characters were kind of flat and the plot trudged along.

What interested me, though, was what the book seemed to be saying about mother-daughter relationships. By the time you were 2/3rds of the way through the book, you realized that all of the plot, all of the descriptions of Hanna and her daughter Johanna came from Anna, Johanna's daughter. You see Anna involved in writing the very text you've already read, and you come to realize that she is an unreliable narrator; nothing that you've already read had came from the women it directly involved. At the time it's written, Hanna has passed away and Johanna is suffering from either Alzheimer's or something similar, and has no way to communicate. Both have lost their voices and are only capable of speaking of their histories through their relative.

This implies that Anna has inherited her mother and grandmother's voice. There are pieces of the text that only either woman would know, tied together with pieces that clearly could be family legend. How Hanna felt being raped would be a perfect example of the first (we learn that Johanna didn't realize this piece of her mother's history until she was an adult), and the fact that Hanna could only cry from joy for much of her life seems like a legend.

Yet how accurate can a daughter or granddaughter's interpretation be? We are so tied in by our own definitions of our relatives and the roles they have played regarding us. Anna remains bitter about her mother's acceptance of her father's treatment;given this, how can she provide a clear view? Her grandmother, she admits, she hardly knew and didn't particularly like, and her portion of the novel seems based on letters and those family legends.

What, then, is Frederickkson trying to say? The title defines the younger generations by their relation to the older, but the youngest is the only one with a voice. Do we, as a society, as daughters and sons, define how our parents and grandparents are remembered? Are we rewriting their lives simply because we outlive them? And by becoming parents, do we lose our own voices to those of the later generations?

The book ends after Johanna and her husband die, and when Anna finishes her book about her family. Only then, is she allowed to leave the bonds they had wrapped around her behind, and move on. Yet we see scenes of her with her daughters, suggesting that the cycle is continuing. Suggesting, in fact, that a new series is beginning, one that could leave her voiceless, defined by her daughters and granddaughters.

Seeing a Whole New World

I've always had a fascination with travel. If you ask me what I'd do if I won the lotto, my response is "travel for six months to a year. And then save money for later travel. and then buy a house." I hear about exotic places and I think, "I want to go there. I want to see that, experience that." I blame my childhood.

See, when I was little, we traveled a fair amount. My dad was in the air force, so we could fly really cheaply and we were stationed abroad for a couple of years. I still remember wondering around Japan, going into alleys full of shops. (And you will pry my kimono and slippers from my cold dead hands. I don't care if all that fits now is my right arm.) We hit several countries, all of which have moments that stand out for me. The bird sanctuary we went to, the giant Toys R Us (although they didn't really have different toys, just *more* of them). Even when we were in the States, we hit a lot of places. I have memories of wearing my poor dress, known to me as my spill dress, which I could never wear without some disaster happening. It had pink sparkly balloons and a teddy bear on it. We were on our way to Yosemite the first time I wore it; we'd stopped somewhere and I'd left McDonald's orange juice in the car. When I got back in and picked up the cup, the oj had soaked through the cup, and the whole thing dumped on me. I remember watching Ol' Faithful, and making fun of the smell. We went camping and skiing and biking, and just explored.

Eventually, we wound up in a small town in the south. Many there (and many of those I graduated with) stayed local and mostly vacationed in Florida. Whereas my mom has never been to Florida, and I only went for the first time because my dad wanted to go to a fly in. Instead, we vacationed in Seattle or San Francisco or Colorado or, later, in New York. In high school, I went abroad again, hitting four countries with my girls choir.

So when I read a book like The Historian, while I feel like I should focus on the plot, instead I focus on the descriptions. Kostova describes Budapest, and I try to sync that with my memories (one of the high school choir trips) and make plans to go back. The plot has the main characters bouncing around Europe, going into Soviet territory, all while going through horrible things and living in fear. Yet... all I can think is, "I want to SEE that." In all aspects, it's a good book. The plot is intriguing (though the ending is rather abrupt), the characters are fleshed out enough, and much happens. But I would mainly read it again for travel ideas.

Stressfully Paranoid

So despite the fact that I finished this week's book on Sunday, and mentioned it in last week's post, I never actually talked about it (although that is where the chaos part of last week's title came from). And Falling Under is one of those books that taps into my neuroses in a way that makes me feel normal.

See, when I hit a certain level of stress, I get anxious. Like insanely so. It's somewhat of a vicious cycle; the more stressed I get, the more I freak out about things that have very little likelihood of happening. The worst was last summer. We launched a major project in May. The week before it launched, I worked 70-80 hours, and was so incoherently exhausted it routinely took me several minutes to answer basic questions. All coworkers not so involved in the project avoided those of us who were, and I've been told we were particularly mean. I honestly barely remember that week, which was not surprising since I'd worked 17 straight days and god knows how many hours. After launch, we went to a happy hour with the consultants who worked with us on it, and I'm pretty sure I misunderstood half of what everyone said, because I didn't have the capacity to understand context or make logical connections. (Particularly awesome, since I hadn't met a lot of the team before in person. Yay for good first impressions!)

What was worse was that the launch wasn't really the end of the project; in many ways, it was the beginning for us. My coworker took a much-needed week off a couple of weeks later, and the work load plus the stress led to me having one of the most random breakdowns of my life, in which I made it home (at like 9) before I started crying, but then just couldn't stop. It's not like one of those sessions when you are thinking sad things, so you keep crying. I was sitting there, deciding what to make for dinner, with tears streaming down my face.

Then we had several other mini-launches that lasted the rest of the summer. My coworker E and I (two of the people most involved in the launches) both had physical effects from the stress levels that for me lasted until I went on a 10-day, out-of-the-country vacation in August. (This is also a warning for all of you. Stress is bad. You should try and work somewhere that will prevent stress levels that mean three days into a week off, you're getting random bursts of adrenaline flooding through you. That's no fun and makes you cranky for no good reason.)

Before my August vacation, I freaked out. First I was convinced that I was going to forget something. then I was convinced that something horrible would happen to my cat. Then I was convinced that I was going to die of an embolism on the plane, or that the plane would crash, or that something would happen to one of my family members while I was gone and no one would be able to reach me. Walking to the metro to go to the airport, I checked for my passport, my sunglasses, my wallet, my passport again, my sunglasses again, my wallet again, my chapstick, my umbrella, cycling through until I got to the train.

And my paranoia is not only tied to things like planning trips. When I'm that stressed, I lie in bed, thinking about how the floor of my bedroom is slanted and wondering if that part of the house could just fall off, and if so, should I move the stuff I love into a different room, and would my cat know in time to get out. I avoid grates on sidewalks, because what if they broke? I worry about tripping and falling onto the metro tracks, about a light pole falling and hitting me, a gas leak, my couch being too close to the radiator and catching on fire. I worry about others, too, frequently focusing on my cat, because I am responsible for her, but also family members, friends, and people just around me. "What if that person fell right now?" I wonder, and think about how quickly I'd be able to call 911, and if there is someone else around who looks like they might be better than me in an emergency.

Which leads me back to the book. The main character in Falling Under has some major psychological issues mostly stemming from a traumatic childhood. On a normal day, she is even more paranoid than I am on my worst. She too avoids grates, but she also is so paralyzed by fear that she can barely drive, barely cross the street, barely leave her apartment. Since the book is narrated from her viewpoint, though, such fears start to seem not necessarily ordinary, but understandable. I liked the narrator. I'd want to be friends with her. It kind of reminded me of how I felt reading The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime. We all have instincts that lead us to look for patterns, to think that something beyond our control is a sign, just like we all worry about irrational things from time to time. But the beauty of books is that we can see these impulses from another angle, and understand another person's viewpoint. And maybe feel a little more normal.

And for myself? I think I'll go do some yoga and take a bath and just not worry about anything for a while.

Living, Literature, and Chaos

Between Friday night and Sunday night, I finished both my book for last week, Reading Lolita in Tehran by Azar Nafisi, and this week's, Falling Under by Danielle Younge-Ullman. Because I am just that awesome.

It was a compacted week, not because I didn't plan ahead, but because I'm not enjoying the book I was reading, Illusion by Paula Volksy, despite the ringing endorsement by Anne McCaffrey. It's a little too much of a political commentary buried under fantasy; I like some of that and think playing out possible scenarios in a fantasy world can be fascinating, but I feel like I'm being hit on the head with it. Plus I don't like any of the characters, and it's over 600 pages. I may or may not finish.

But Reading Lolita in Tehran... it was everything that I liked about being an English major. It had social commentary, literary analysis, the examination of power structures, all wrapped up in a beautifully written text. I remember having read an article on how liberal Iran had been. It's hard to imagine, both from the viewpoint of our current political climate, in which Iran is constantly posturing against the West and working toward gaining more power through developing a nuclear weapon, and from the humanistic standpoint of putting myself in the place of those who lived through the transition. How does one go from living in an atmosphere where you are free to think, to opine, to teach what you want, say want you want, write what you want, to one in which merely having been associated with the wrong person at any point in your life means that you can be arrested, or blacklisted, or killed?

One of Nafisi's points was that by fighting so hard to control women, the Iranian regime was in fact admitting that those women had the power to destroy the regime: "Does she realize how dangerous she can be when her every stray gesture is a disturbance to public safety? Does she think how vulnerable the Revolutionary Guards are who for over eighteen years have patrolled the streets of Tehran  and have had to endure young women like herself  and those of other generations, walking, talking, showing a strand of hair just to remind them that they have not converted?" (pg 27)

The fact that many of these battles, these fights for power, occur over control of the female body shows how powerful that body can be, something that despite having written my thesis on it, I still feel needs more exploration. Possibly because I don't quite understand it in this day and age. I mean, as far as ensuring the continuation of the species, having more women than men is important, since one man can. But we are no longer threatened. In fact there are too many of us. Why are women who can dress and think and act however they want so terrifying?

The women in Iran are defined by the state, a state that refuses to see them as individuals with hopes and dreams. Nafisi, in her discussion of Lolita, discusses how Humbert uses Lolita as a prop, a fantasy for him, but never seems to see her as an actual living, thinking human being. While Nafisi refuses to simplify the complicated power structure in Iran by strictly comparing the government to Humbert, she does point the reader to the similarities, as the women struggle to define themselves within a system that has taken away their voices.

But beyond that, the book shows the power of literature. The Iranian population is so tightly controlled; the government censors movies, book, art. But the people in this book escape that. They explore what it means to empathize, how to define morality, how to connect with those who seem to have nothing in common with you. Literature becomes the way that the characters can escape the strict confines of their current life. A weekly book discussion becomes far more than it may seem; it is in fact a rebellion.

Writing, and Living, Bird by Bird

I've always wanted to be a writer. Well, that's not true. There was an odd period when we were in the Philippines when I was planning on being a dishwasher. (No, I don't remember what I liked about it, or why I fixated on dishwashing. But despite the fact that I now hate washing dishes, some days it still seems like a valid option.)

But then in second grade, my teacher not only gave me special projects (I spent several days once painting a diorama of Amelia Bedelia. It was awesome.), but gave us writing assignments and then, most importantly, told me I was good at it. I'm not surprised. I found my report cards from elementary school, and the military teachers? Kind of in love with me. Reading some of them, I felt like they were close to stealing me away and raising me as their own. Luckily, we were on a military base and that doesn't fly there.

I've always loved being good at stuff. So much so that I have to force myself to do things which I don't have a natural talent for (my foray into ultimate frisbee springs to mind). Being good at stuff is just about tied with being right in the list of things that I love. So my teacher told me I had a talent, which combined with my love of reading, and boom. The problem of what I want to be when I grow up was solved. You know. Until I actually became an adult and realized that writing is hard and making money at it is even harder. You have to be driven and motivated. And so I went into the non-writing world.

Despite that, I still think someday I'd like to write. And so, every once in a while, I read books on writing, despite the fact that I have done no real fiction writing since college. (I do write poetry. Don't judge.) Which leads to this week's book, Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott. I've never actually read any other books by her, and I only have this one because I stole it from my mom. Who actually is the source of most of my "how to write" books.

My favorite parts of the books were less about writing, and more about being human. A. she's crazy. And the more stuff I read by people who are amusing, the more I realize that we are all crazy. And that makes me feel less alone. B. There was a part about how people use work or drugs or life to lull themselves to sleep. To live in a fog. Given how much and how hard I work, and how foggy that can make me feel... it hit a little close to home (ignoring how much my office drinks to deal with the stress).

Ironically, the human parts were also my least favorite; it's a book on writing, stop proselytizing at me. I know Anne's a Christian. Her new book is on faith, and got rave review from my pastor. But. That's not what I'm looking for in a book on writing. I loved Stephen King's On Writing. It equally dealt with humanity, but I didn't feel like I was being lectured to, or more accurately, like there was a subtle hint of "you should be Christian." I'm not sure why that bothers me. It's a non-fiction book and her faith is obviously an important part of her life. Why would she not include it in a book that talks about how she deals with the pressure of being a writer? But still. It annoyed me.

And yet we'll see. Maybe I'll actually start writing again. Maybe I'll just keep blogging (did you know, I apparently used to update it three times a week?). If that's all that it gets me to do, it was worth reading.

Dodging Reality

I finally finished last week's book, Dodger by Terry Pratchett. I love Pratchett so hard. Last year, I spent a few months reading all of Disc World (which I think got better as you go through the series. The first were good; the last were AWESOME).

Though I have to be honest. I enjoyed the book, but I'm not blown away. Maybe I'm looking for something more from the books for the next year, but the only one I've really felt like satisfied me was Pretty Birds. Dodger was good; it had Charles Dickens as a character, and an engaging main character. But shouldn't this be challenging? I mean, reading a lot has never been an insane challenge. Yes, I missed finishing a book for one week, but that just means I didn't have the like five hours finishing a book usually takes. (Yes, I'm bragging. No, I'm not actually exaggerating, although obviously it depends on the length and complexity of the book. And I was knitting a ridiculous pair of direwolf mittens for a coworker, and had very little free time. PS. Those are awesome.)

I want books with a social commentary, not just ones that I can check off a list. I tried with The Light Years. But it was just a narrative about the life of the upper classes before the start of WWI. Which had potential. I mean, I love Downton Abbey, which is essentially the same thing but more full of cheesy drama. But nothing ever happened. There was no real character growth, no change. No message.

So now I must decide. Is a new year's resolution worth spending time reading books that I'm not sure are worth it? Do I spend more time to try and find the best books of the ones I currently own? I kind of wish I'd thought through this earlier. Then I could have prepared a list: "Books you should read." Instead every time I finish a book, I haphazardly dig through my piles and try and find something interesting. Is it worth reading mediocre books for the sake of being able to give them away?

Pretty Birds: 3 down, 49 to go

This year, for New Year's, I decided on a new resolution. Rather than make vague promises about what I would like my life to be in the next year, or changes that I would only be able to keep up for a day, a week at most, I decided that I had too many books. Too many that I had been carting around. There are books in my apartment that have been moved 6 times and never read. To change this, I'd read one new book per week, 52 books total.

Some of you may think this isn't a challenge for me. And in some ways, it's not. I love to read, and I do it quickly. I can start a book on Friday night and finish it by noon on Saturday. But I also use it as my escape. I tend to stay away from books that hit too close to the heart; I want to be moved, but not depressed. Satanic Verses, Skinny Legs and All. Even Virginia Woolf's novels. I can be challenged intellectually, but not emotionally.

But. Many of my books don't do that."Funny, but tragic. You'll laugh while you sob." And I have been a coward in avoiding them. My first two books did not challenge me. One was a fluffy romance, so horribly written it gives me hope of ever being published. The second was The Lost Gate by Orson Scott Card. And it was thoroughly enjoyable, but in my usual style.

This week's, though... Pretty Birds follows a young teenage girl in Sarajevo during the Bosnian War. The text shows her and her family learning to cope with the horror, to accept the death of loved ones, of innocents. Most of all to survive.

The thing that hit me hardest about this book (except for the ending, which truly was heart-breaking) is that I remember studying this. I was in elementary school when it was a humanitarian crisis. I remember learning about ethnic cleansing and the numbers of dead. And while I can't blame the 10 year old me for not understanding, not really caring, it makes me sad for both myself and the world. Because how many other atrocities go on today, when I can no longer hide behind innocence and youth? Look at Syria. How many innocents have died there, how many starve and plead? And they are not alone. People in countries around the world are suffering. And yet I still don't know what to do. Does anyone, though?

In the book, the people of Sarajevo mock the United States (although not as much as the UN), mourning the lack of interest. No one cares, no one stops the deaths of innocents.

While the book ends with some hopeful signs, I find myself wondering still. What can and should we be doing? Is it enough to donate money. To try and work in something that has meaning, betters the world? How can we change something that has been happening for centuries?

Magic and Wonder

This Sunday, I went to church. I know, SHOCKING. (On the one hand, I'm joking because, well, I'm Christian and I grew up going to church and I have not given up on these things. On the other, I've been absolutely AWFUL about going lately. I'm working on that.)

The sermon was on, not surprisingly, Christmas. It was interesting; I'd just read the thread on Ravelry about someone telling their stepchild that there was no Santa, and the sermon was on the question, "Have you been good?". In the Rav thread, some people talked about how Santa was awful, a way to force kids to be good by manipulation and an example of how parents lie to their kids. Which made me sad. I don't remember Santa ever being that to me. Santa was... pure magic. Something utterly wonderful that I couldn't and shouldn't understand. I don't remember threats of "If you're not good, Santa won't bring presents." Instead, I remember lying awake, listening as hard as I could for the sleigh bells my beloved babysitter had told me she'd heard (I may have passed this on to kids I babysat). Being so excited I couldn't sleep. Believing that *anything* could happen.

Anyways, so the sermon was on how it should be less about whether or not you'd been good (the children's sermon made the excellent point that everyone was a mix of good and bad), and more about who you follow. We all screw up. Every day I feel like Jiminy Cricket on "Once Upon a Time" (Amazing show, btw. Watch it. WATCH IT NOW.). I see so clearly the person I want to be; and I so often fail. (Dude at teh Christmas party. You were annoying, but I was mean. I'm sorry.) Does that mean Santa (or God) is going to take all my presents away (or smite me)? I hope not. A part of what I believe is forgiveness, and accepting we all fail and we all get back up and try again. And a religion should support that.

And at the bottom of Christmas is love and experiencing the unknowable. And to me, that's what matters about Christmas. It's not that I get presents; one of my favorite parts of Christmas is singing while candles are lit at the Christmas Eve service. It is so beautiful and mystical and beautiful. I tear up every freaking year. I love being with family. I love feeling that peace and calm and joy. I love feeling that magic that, even if I no longer hear sleigh bells, pervades the season.

A Day for Corduroy and Dreams?

Let's face it, I'm mainly blogging today because of teh date. It's not the first time; I've been journaling on cool dates for YEARS. Who cares if I have nothing to say! What I was doing on 11/11/11 must be known! Though the whole corduroy thing is a bit ridiculous. "It looks like corduroy, so we're going to declare a day after it." What other fabric gets a day? Well, I know Congress has seersucker day, but that's just because of the freaking heat and humidity here. I want a plaid silk day. I have the perfect skirt, even.

I've become obsessed with Once Upon a Time. I mean, obviously a part of it appeals to my romantic nature, plus the natural desire to hate people. A part of it is figuring out what is going to happen. A part of it is... well, let's just say that I get the feeling of a happily ever after thwarted. And I am NOT implying that X was Charming. I didn't think that when we were dating. But I sometimes feel like everything is just out of reach. If only I were in teh right spot, joined the right group. But beyond that, I *want* to believe. Even if not for me. I'm obsessed with the thought of magic and fairy tales. And a place where things are black and white. I know they aren't. Not in real life. But wouldn't it be nice if bad were obviously evil, and good always won? Plus it's just a damn good show. And it's hard to beat horseback riding and sword fights. Man, I miss horseback riding...

The End of Things

This weekend... was exhausting. On the one hand, it was great. My parents flew up my grandparents and rented a house on the Eastern Shore for my immediate family, and my grandparents. Which was lovely. I love the Eastern Shore. It was so lovely, great weather. I finally won over my niece. Not as much as my dad, but still. It's nice to get smiles as opposed to funny faces and crying.

But on the other hand. Well, first of all, my room was creepy as hell. It was up this crazy staircase, and the first night I hardly slept. There was an antique mirror. It freaked me out. The house creaked and no one was on the same level and the house was built in 1790. I'm just saying. If there were going to be a haunted room, it was this one. By the time we left, I was fine with sleeping up there, but the stairs still made me nervous.

But the saddest thing was realizing that my grandparents are aging. I'm not sure how much longer they are going to be around, especially my grandpa. My grandpa has Parkinsons, and last I saw him, he was doing okay. Better. He's always been a great storyteller, and every once in a while you see a glimpse of that. but... now. You still see glimpses, but he's having a hard time. I think help and maybe a dog would be good.

But I sat there, and I watched him and my grandmas with my niece and nephew, which was oh-so-sweet. And on the one hand, I'm so glad they got that. On the other, I can't help but wonder if I ever get married, if they will even meet my so, much less my kids (again, if I have them). I love my grandparents, and having someone be such a part of my life who doesn't know them... it just makes me a bit sad.

After

Some of my friends posted about their experiences being in New York on 9/11. I know many DC friends have similar memories. It almost feels strange to not have that experience. Despite living in DC for seven years, I can't imagine what I'd do, how I'd react. I can't picture the city shut down, people walking home. The smells, the sounds, the terror of not knowing what happened to people you know and care about. Seeing the gaping holes. People in NY mentioned being afraid of planes, always plotting their trajectory. I can't imagine those in DC. DCA is right outside the city and desperately close to the Pentagon; planes are constantly on the last approach over that area. How unnerving that must have been.

My story is no where near as dramatic. I was a sophomore in college, in the shower getting ready for class when the first plane hit. My mom called nearly immediately, "just to be sure, even though I know nothing happened to you." I had no idea. I hung up with her (they were stuck in Denver trying to get home for several days), and turned on the tv. I sat there, hugging a teddy bear, watching what was happening, seeing the second plane hit and then the towers collapsing. Being shocked and terrified and horrified. And then getting up and going to class, because I didn't know what else to do. We were supposed to have a review for an exam, and that's exactly what we did. Our professor wanted to keep things as normal as possible for us.

There was a strange atmosphere over the whole campus. No one knew how to cope; should things go on as normal, should we take time to grieve? My dorm had a kind of fluff "getting to know the dorm" class; in that one, we colored, which seemed strangely appropriate. I had a paper due the next day on Machiavelli and *The Prince*'s impact on politics. I wrote it that night, trying to ignore what had happened (I got a C+, one of two in my whole college career. The other was my first paper at Oxford, from my tutor who wanted me to be writing at a grad school level, and graded at that level). There were probably 30 vigils. I went to two or three, singing and holding hands with people I'd never seen before, and didn't see after. I lay in bed at night, feeling unsafe, thinking how easily we could be attacked. I remember CSF's banquet the next year, and the sister (a CSF alum) of Todd Beamer came and spoke about her brother.

After, several country singers wrote songs about it. Some are angry, like "Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue" by Toby Keith, but my favorite is "Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning?" It makes me tear up almost every time I hear it. Things changed for America that day, but I look at how people banded together, and *that* seems like a good thing.

I have other friends who have mentioned that they don't want to look back, they want to look forward. That all the media attention is too much, that the best way to pay tribute is by living. And I get that; every other year, I've done my best to ignore the anniversary. And today, I'm not watching the news, I'm not going to any vigil. I went to the local coffee shop, I went to the farmers market. Life continues.

But I'm a sucker for anniversaries anyways, and this was something that had a profound impact on not only me, but everyone I know.

The Seinfeld of Blogposts

Welcome back to my blog. I know you have missed it dearly. It changed appearances a bit while you were gone; I'm going to change the background pic to one I took in Wales, but I'd have to bend over to plug in my media drive and it's too hot. Also, I'm feeling random, so I am declaring this to be the post of random snippets I thought about blogging on but didn't.

I love Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day. I don't know why. I find it so soothing. It's like the perfect combination of romance and calm and Britishness. It's like Chicago, but without all the killing.

I was going to go into drama here. Then I was going to go into some stuff about my own two-year-old drama (It's a toddler!) that I recently found out and was hurt by. But really. It's exhausting and I'm tired and really who the hell cares. Especially after three days of nothing but talk about it.

So lately. I started a new job. I am overly paranoid about everything involved, mainly because of my old job. Bought too much yarn. Went to my friend's wedding. She had a plan that nearly worked, but I am giving up hope on it now.

Every once in a while, I get emails from OKCupid with the title, "someone chose you!" I find them insulting. It's like they're surprised. "NO, we can't believe it EITHER." You know what, OKCupid? Screw you.

I was also going to blog about a piece on NPR on size issues (It was really good). I was then going to tie it into an article on Rosario Dawson and how she was deeply disturbed by getting comments about how good she looked when she was losing weight so she could play Mimi, a crack addict dying of AIDS, in Rent.

Or I could blog about the sad state of the world right now. (Seriously. SO glad I'm not planning on retiring. You know, ever. Alternate plan, marry rich.) It's not like I can even pretend like it's not happening, what with being surrounded by it at work. We occasionally meet to just shake our heads in shock.

A Mourning.

Between watching the episode where Angel breaks up with Buffy and the time of year, I'm feeling a bit maudlin. See, while the X and I didn't break up until August, we had a close call before. I now think of this as the beginning of the end. It was the Wednesday before Maundy Thursday, and X tried to break up with me. While this time, he didn't tell me that he couldn't see a future with me, he did go through the motions. And I went along, for 24 hours. That day was one of the worst of my life. I don't know that I have ever hurt so much. I walked to work and thought of throwing myself in front of buses. Then I went to church that night. I walked in and felt... calm. Peaceful. Like I was supposed to be with X, and that it would all work out. So after the service, I called and went over to his place and fought to stay with him.

I wonder if he expected the same thing when we actually broke up, that I would fight. But see, after the Maundy Thursday event, I spent so much energy. I worked HARD to keep us together, fought with everything I had. Whereas he... He did nothing. he shut me out, pushed me away. I think he wanted me to fight for him, but wasn't willing to put forth any effort of his own. I'm not saying I was the perfect girlfriend; I have my own baggage, I have my own childish needs that I try to push forward. I hadn't treated him well before the first close-call. I took out the fact that I hated my job on him for a while. But after? After I did everything I could think of, only to be continually shut down.

So this Good Friday I mourn. Not for our relationship; I'm over that. If I never see him again, I'll be happy. But I mourn for all the torment I put myself through. I mourn the scars that I might have avoided if I'd just let him go then. I mourn the issues that he made worse, the extreme self-doubt that I have. And I blame him.

Family et al.

I was looking at some drafts of blog posts, and one was written the day before my niece and nephew were born. BIG SIGH. Which, of course, was after the last time I wrote. So for those of you not on Facebook (and let me tell you, you're missing out. I'm hilarious over there.), I became an aunt in mid-October. I love being an aunt. I love being a local aunt even more, though I have got to time my visits more so I'm not there at dinner. The babies are adorable, and I heart them muchly. I can't wait to see what they become. Right now, my niece smiles every time you catch her eye, which is so freaking cute. That is, of course, when she's not screaming. My nephew sits there and makes funny faces at everyone. I swear, he's got the whole doomed chipmunk look down pat.

Anyways, I have been driven back to blogging by my friend Mandy, who blogs here nearly daily and makes me feel ashamed of myself and my total lack of blogging. She writes heart-wrenching, bared-soul truths. I wish I had that courage; I don't.

Though in all honesty, I have never known the trauma she's had to go through. The more people I know, the more of an anomaly I realize my family is. Loving and supportive and nice. Not perfect. Not perfect at all. But I see some of my friends and how their parents and other family members tear them down or wear them down, and I think of my own family, my own parents who unfailingly support me? And I know that's a support that many of my friends lack.

Not that I haven't needed that support lately. It's ridiculous how little able I am to cope with stress, but I can't. And there have been a couple of things in my life that I am not cool with. I'm working on changing them, but it's hard. And once I've hit a point where I know a situation is not healthy, I have a really hard time dealing with it until I can easily leave.

Frustration, or Why I Hate People

I've been really frustrated lately, somewhat unfairly at people. I'm under stress at work, my roommate is never ever going to move out, leaving me with the options of allowing Stephie to do something horrible, to sell her and her unborn baby into white slavery, or (what I'm actually doing) keeping my mouth shut and trying to deal until she moves out in January. I know, I know. I said she wasn't ever moving out, but she was supposed to be out at the beginning of this month. Then it was November. Now it's January. And she's passive-aggressive about everything, refuses to acknowledge that this is any kind of inconvenience, and hasn't bought toilet paper since January. She's also using my salt. I realize these may be small and petty things, but they add up to me not liking her (along with some other stuff), and living with people I don't like, even if they are only in town a few days a week, stresses me the hell out.

But she's not the only one I'm frustrated at. I see so many people who say "I want x," but they act like they want y. And this drives me a little insane. It's mainly in relationship stuff, and it's not that I want to be in a relationship with these people, it's the incongruity. The attitude of, "If I can't find the right one, well, I might as well date/hook-up with whomever." It's not that I can't understand that thought. It's one that has crossed my mind. But it is fundamentally not who I am, and one that just seems wrong. If you want to be in a real relationship, why waste time with other people? Why hang out with someone just because you want to have someone to hang out with? Why risk the possibility of meeting someone special, but not noticing because you were too busy trying to hook up with someone else? The whole thing makes me sad, in part because I can see so clearly what I want. And it's not to date, it's not to hang out, it's not to find someone I can stand. I am so ready, and these other people are driving me nuts.

Besides that, I keep seeing people act like 14-year-olds. Is it me? Am I expecting too much of people? I'm not going to say I act like I should; I see lots of areas for improvement. I will avoid things. I will be horrible at communication. But if you are my friend and you need me, I will be there. If I invite you out to celebrate something, we shall celebrate. Your happiness may make me feel a twinge of longing for what I don't have, but I will wholeheartedly be happy for you, and I will damn well keep that twinge to myself. If friends come to visit, visiting shall be had. They shall be the theme and centerpiece of the visit.

All this is not to suggest that there are not people in my life who don't act like that. I have some truly lovely friends, people who help me and are there for me and who I hope know that I would do anything for. These are the people who help to show me what I want to be, and give me hope that maybe I can be better.

The rest of you? Well. Be glad that I am non-confrontational.

Socially Awkward

Every once in a while, I have moments that make me feel 14 again. And not in the good way. In the "omg, wtf did I do THAT?" way. The way that makes you feel thisbig. And it always happens when I'm tired and stressed and feeling vulnerable. Which means I'm very sensitive. Which means I do something that makes me feel even more tired and stressed and vulnerable. And then I feel like a moron. Which I REALLY hate.

Not that most people like feeling like morons. but my own particular aversion to being wrong is well-known. I've always been like that, or at least for as long as I can remember. I would do ANYTHING to avoid feeling like that. Especially when there is nothing I can do. I have screwed up at work. And there is a sinking feeling you get when you realize that you made a mistake. But that stresses me out in one way. Social awkwardness stresses me out immensely more, mainly because there is no fix. There is only continuing through the awkwardness...

In other news, I was interviewed about my blog. I feel so special! I mean, not as special as when I was in the Express. But you, you DOZENS of readers. Have led me to this.

STFU with the singing on the metro

This apparently is "refer to old posts" week. Every once in a while, I'm hit by the fact that things have changed since I've moved here. I know, that seems obvious. A very "no shit, Sherlock" moment. Sometimes I'm impressed by how I've grown. Sometimes, I'm a little sad that things have changed.

For example, YEARS ago (the fact that I can say that makes me feel old), I wrote a post about a guy singing on the train. I thought it was awesome. How unreserved, unpretentious. Just a guy riding along, doing what he wanted. An attitude I still like. But lately? I've seen a few girls, singing along on the train. And it ANNOYS THE CRAP OUT OF ME. Listen, I have my OWN ipod. I am quite happy in my own little world. You singing a few lines off-pitch shakes me out of my own world. That makes me unhappy. Why do you think I want to be shaken out of my world? I DO NOT. LEAVE ME ALONE.

I've noticed that I'm getting crankier with tourists and people in general. Starting to understand one of my former coworkers who rode his bike to work primarily because he couldn't stand the people on the metro. Only days he didn't were when the trails were too icy. While I haven't reached that level YET (though metro? you are so on my list. Raising prices when service SUCKS? NOT COOL), I'm not that far from it.

Though I say all this and then the other day? I saw a guy doing tai chi on the metro. And I didn't get annoyed. I thought it was freaking awesome. Kind of gave me chills...

Bad Finishers!

Every once in a while, I get a crazy person commenting on my blog. For the most part, I actually kind of enjoy it, mainly because they are so out of left field and contain misspellings and grammatical errors. Because, really? If you are going to call me a moron but can't even use the correct form of "you're," I'm not going to take the critique too seriously, and in fact will mock you to my friends. Because I am THAT kind of girl.

So it is now that time of year when a young girl's heart turns to football/soccer (for some reason, my 10 weeks in England converted me to calling it football. Pretentious, yes. I accept it). I say that, but let's face facts. I watch the games when it's convenient or involved with a social activity. Last World Cup, my then-coworker and I watched a couple of games in the local pub, which led to the infamous blog entry on what not to tell your boyfriend. This time, I spent the USA/England game in a bar that was approximately a billion degrees, yelling obscenities and reveling in the fact that Lampard again could not finish. I was rather upset since I'd just gotten my hair done, and the temperature in teh bar immediately made my hair frizz up so I went from having smooth, hot wavy hair to having a bizarre Bozofro. It was not attractive, I'm not going to lie. And I still haven't decided if I like the cut or not. I then was forced to drink to forget the crazy hair (Note to self: Just because you CAN shoot whiskey does not mean you SHOULD). I also ran into a girl I knew through X, which was rather surreal. Can't quite decide how I feel about it. I like her, I always thought she and her roommate were lots of fun. But seeing her dredges up feelings ONCE AGAIN that I thought I was over with.

Saturday was also the beginning of knit in public day. I know, you're saying "It's a day. It should just LAST a day." I agree, and unless I wasn't paying attention, it was last year. But instead, somehow KIPD has turned into a week. So tomorrow I'm celebrating by knitting on a brand new scarf (path of flowers). Luckily I haven't gotten far into it (and by not far, I mean I'm ALMOST done casting on), so I should be able to knit and make small talk. Which is good because my other project (I'm also mid-casting on) is easier, but I broke the needles and am waiting on my replacement from KnitPicks. I'm gradually getting more and more yarn and one day, I'll be on "Hoarders" sobbing as they try to get me to give up my Wollmeise.

Writer for Hire

I love my neighborhood. I mean, like really love it. Every day, I walk by a crazy kangaroo statue, a bunch of purple houses, various hippies. But one of my favorite things I walk by is a simple sign. but here's the thing. The sign is an office sign, hanging out like an advertisement. Not that unusual, but this one? Is for a writer. That's right, the sign says, "Someone's Name, Writer." And every time I see this sign, it makes me wonder. (Well, not every time. Sometimes I'm thinking about breakfast or coffee or that I'm going to be late or that I like my shoes or wondering about why soft cheese is soft.) But a good portion of the time, I look at it and think, "Why does a writer need a sign?" Are there people out there going, "I need a writer... LOOK. A sign! I'll hire him!" What kind of writer is he? Is he a technical writer, fiction, non-fiction, political biographer? It is so confusing. I feel like I should go talk to this guy and ask him these questions. But then I wouldn't have anything to think about when I walk by (except for the previously mentioned meanderings of my mind).

And it's nice to have these distractions, as some things have happened lately that have made me once again very angry at X. I mean, furious. I did see him a couple of weeks ago. We ignored each other (he even ducked. I mean, HE DUCKED. Dumbass. Did he really think that I wasn't going to recognize him). I did and do judge him harshly for the ducking, but given my resurgence of righteous anger, perhaps he was wise. I wouldn't mind beating the shit out of him, and then siccing Stephie on him. He should and hopefully does know that he deserves it. The only good thing is that I didn't expect anything more from him, and I don't have to be disappointed by his behavior.

Inane Friendship ramblings

I've had like a billion things to post. First adult trip to the ER, FTW! I sliced my finger open, drove myself, got four stitches, later took out my own stitches (not my number one choice, but had to be done). I felt very independent. Like, look. I could have support and a boyfriend or something to help by at least driving me to the ER (probably the one supportive thing X would have done. Boy could not deal with difficult things AT ALL. Apparently still can't, after the whole October debacle). But I didn't need that. I stayed calm, I did try to call cabs (note to self: get local cab numbers to put on fridge), I didn't do anything dumb, I remembered to take the cookies out that I was baking so I didn't burn the whole place down.

Basically right now I'm happy being single, but not satisfied, if that makes sense. I have some lovely friends, some of whom I mainly interact with online but whom I still love. I do kind of wish I lived out in Loudoun. because I swear, some of those girls are my soulmates. I'd like ot have a local best friend, but you know? Having some good local friends and some good long-distance friends is working okay.

It is kind of funny to realize that I had better taste in friends as a kid then I do now. I mean, I have met some amazing people as an adult. But I've also met some people that I trusted wrongly. Some people I thought liked me for me. And then I've been wrong, and then I get hurt. And then I tell my high school friends about the whole thing, and they are still amazing. They still reassure me about who I am, and that I am a good and likeable and loveable person. I love that about my old friends. I love that about some of my new friends, too.

As a side note, tourists? I HATE YOU. I might not actually whack you with a bag or anything, but do not doubt that I am thinking about it. Guy whose bag kept hitting me today? I'm looking at you especially hard.

RAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!

RAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Originally uploaded by mewmewbecky

This lovely drawing was done by my friend/doppelganger Becky. Sadly, there was no drinking (at least on my part) when we came up with the idea for Ursa Imgonnaeatyou (real name has not been decided, though Bear Gunn has been discussed). picture this, if you will. A seal doing the skeleton race, followed by a land shark, followed by this bear.

yes, we may have lost our minds. I'm okay with that.

Pardon me, have you seen my sanity?

I have lost my freaking mind. Cabin fever? people asked, and I scoffed. I LIKE being inside. I have books and knitting and spinning. I'll be FINE. Ah, the words of the braggart. The naive young girl that I was a week ago. When my biggest worry was getting snowed in with my roommate and her husband for three days. (I wasn't.) I thought this will be fun. I like snow. It's pretty.

And I am going insane. I hate my apartment, my cat is driving me nuts (except for when she's being adorable), I can't do anything fun because I'm supposed to be working. I can feel my muscles losing strength. Pretty soon, I won't be ABLE to leave my apartment. Outside will become a rumor, something covered by glass and kept away as far as possible.

Crazy, you say? Given that I started with me losing my mind, I wouldn't disagree. After all, it is only snow. Snow that must eventually melt. The metro will run, I will go into work and the city. I will see other people, make small talk.

But I have spent twenty minutes chatting with friends and saying only "sweatpants." They had a perfectly lovely conversation about differing standards of formality. I said sweatpants. All I can say is, "DON'T JUDGE ME!" It's the white stuff... I SWEAR.

A New Obsession

I HAVE DISCOVERED A NEW BLOG.

Yes I realize that it makes more sense to write about Snopocoplyse II (or SnoWTF or SnOMG), as I like to call it. but really. It snowed. Lots. It's still snowing. I'm inside with power. My car is literally buried under the snow, meaning I shall not be able to dig it out for days. Luckily I commute using public transit which is also buried, but which I don't have to dig out. The end.

While I have been stuck inside, though, watching my neighbors molest the poor tree outside my window (seriously. They were sitting on it. Poor tree is going to be traumatized. I wanted to take a picture, but then I'd be the crazy girl taking pictures of them through the window. Which I'd be more okay with if I weren't still in pajamas with gross hair.), I've been reading Hyperbole and a Half. My friend Stephie mentioned it last night in order to distract me from the fact that I still don't have the yarn she promised to send me like a whole TWO DAYS AGO. (Kitten, I still heart you. In fact, you might be one of my favorite imaginary people I only know on the internet.)

But yes. So I've been reading through the archives, and Allie is awesome. I've been laughing ridiculous amounts reading it, and I never actually laugh out loud when I'm reading something funny. Last night, I started to do that thing where you're laughing at stuff, and then you keep reading and you're not even reading anything that funny anymore, but you still keep laughing and you're trying to stop and you make that awkward "I can't stop laughing" noise that's something between a laugh and a donkey bray. I mean, no one is here so no one could hear me, but still. It's the principle of the thing.

So basically the point of this post is to tell you to go read her. But only while you're alone in the house or around people who won't judge.

We're Melting!

I thought briefly about writing something about the State of the Union. After all, I actually watched it (something I don’t always do, since I then read about it for DAYS and get all the main points), and I live in DC, where you can even attend SotU parties and participate in drinking games (neither of which I did).

But then I read in the Post this morning that a scant majority of Americans believe in global warming. Apparently, the “it still gets cold, and hey, look at the snow” argument has convinced a sizable number of people that it’s all a conspiracy. Seriously? SERIOUSLY??? Please explain this to me. Scientists, people who are paid to study these types of things, point out that things are warmer. They can explain why there is more snow in some areas, and why others are colder. They can point out rising sea levels. And yet Joe Schmo thinks, “Florida froze this year, it must all be wrong”?

And usually I wouldn’t care. Well, I’d care enough to rant about it, and then move on. But this scares me. Because I firmly believe that if we don’t do something soon, it could be too late. And I know that the massive changes probably won’t happen until I’m dead, but that they will happen in the next generation’s lifetimes. And that’s not acceptable.

I do recognize the difficulty in ecological changes. The mountaintop mining in West Virginia is a perfect example. Blowing up the tops of mountains to get at coal seems like an obvious “this has to be bad for the environment” example. Yet there are lots of people protesting the EPA’s rulings not allowing all of these mines, and while I agree that the mines should be stopped, it’s easy to understand why people are against that, since many of these people’s livelihoods depend on that mining. It’s hard to be gung-ho about saving the environment when it means that you’re not sure if you’ll be able to pay your mortgage or feed your family.

That said, it would be shortsighted to be so afraid of negative economic impact that we don’t do anything. (Which, actually, brings me back to the State of the Union.) Jobs are important, and I feel for these people. I would love to see some training programs, not necessarily funded by the government but by corporations (Ford, I think, was doing training programs to help workers they laid off), to help these people find other work. But it seems crazy to stay, “it’s better to destroy the planet, affecting billions, than to make laws and regulations that might affect the economy.

All's Fair in Love and Politics

I was going to blog about religion and religious discussions (which I adore and can hardly stand to not participate in). It was going to be witty and erudite and full of amusing anecdotes about duct tape and a brief belief in reincarnation. Aren’t you sad you missed it?

But reading the Post this morning made me want to write about something else. I mean, religion is fascinating and religious beliefs are at the core of so many people’s personalities, but religion is always there.

So instead, I want to tell politicians and political groups to stop being so freaking divisive. I’m so SICK of both sides excoriating their opponents, reaming members of their own parties who disagree on some issues with them. I like moderates. Moderates are closer to the majority of Americans than those who are more far right or far left. Moderates are like combining the two extreme sides and coming up with something that most people can live with.

This stands out to me more with Republicans in the minority in Congress. I’m perfectly willing to admit that that is probably due to my own political leanings. But don’t rail against the tools that the Democrats used to get their way when they were the minority, and then turn around and be perfectly okay with them. I admired the Democrats for filibustering judicial candidates. I thought it was a way to work the system, a way for the minority not to get steamrolled by the majority. I’m okay with Republicans now threatening to filibuster. But when the SAME Senator who previously stood up, declaring that filibustering Democrats were ruining the process when they disagreed with him, stands up and declares that filibustering candidates is perfectly acceptable and indeed should be done? That bothers me. When Republicans throw hissy fits about everything that Democrats say and do, and offer no alternatives, it annoys me. When either side sabotages their own members for disagreeing, it frustrates me. (The recent election in NY comes to mind, as does the threat by MoveOn to fund any Democrat who runs against a Democrat who votes against the health care bill.)

Senators and Representatives should be able to vote in the way they feel is best for their region and the country as a whole, without fearing reprisals by those on the extreme ends. I worry that as politics grows more polarized, less and less will be accomplished by our government bodies. I’m not naïve enough to believe that this is a new phenomenon. But the strength and impact of the organizations with the most money who are the most radical is frightening.

Gone hoarse

So I was reading some of my past entries, and I’ve decided. I have lost my voice. I blame stress. Or grad school. Or the stress of being in grad school. Either way, my entries sound so flat, so without that spark that makes me giggle when I go back and reread (because, of course, amusing myself is the true reason for the blog). So that is my new goal. Regain my voice and make myself laugh more. It shall be grand. Glorious even.

Of course, this requires me to come up with topics to write about. I could follow some of my favorite bloggers and write about tv. Except that they watch most of the shows I do, and there’s no way I can live up to that. Though I have to say, something about *Glee* was a little disappointing last night. I don’t know if it was because I had built it up so much after its baseball-induced vacation. I still love it, but they are dragging some of the plot points out too much. I want more focus on the quirky people! Let’s face it, I could care less about the cheerleader. So what if she got herself knocked up? She was only entertaining as a saboteur; now she’s just blah.

I did get one of two packages I’ve been expecting. Still no yarn yet, though, much to my disappointment and despair. No, instead I came home to a GIANT box taking up a third of the front porch, holding my still unseen dining room table. And only little old me to drag it in. (I looked at the weight on the side. It was 160 or so pounds. I am not that strong.) I kind of wish more people had walked by, since I’m sure the site of me struggling to shove the box through the door was entertaining. And if I’m going to be sore and with back twinges, I would at least like to have provided some amusement. I’m refusing to open the box. And by refusing, I do mean am being too lazy. Instead, I put it on the floor and unpacked a couple of boxes onto it. I’d consider leaving it as a centerpiece, you know, one that is a conversation starter and really brings the room together, but I can barely get into the kitchen. And while I don’t cook MUCH, I do still need to eat, so…

As for the non-amusing parts of my life, I am actually finding them to be sources of amusement. Which sounds strange, I know, but I do like watching drama even if I don’t like being a part of it. Since I can’t help the one, I might as well enjoy the other.

Life Lessons- A Teal Deer of Growth

My life has been rather full of drama, some of which I played a part in creating, and some of which is just life. I've been sick, I've been down in the dumps, I feel like I have lost my funny a bit. I knew when I moved that I wouldn't be able to see people as much as I had been, but I didn't realize how much that would make me sad. I need to find people up here to hang out with.

It's also been an interesting experience in figuring out who I want to be, and how to accomplish that. I've gotten flack for not following people's advice, which first of all is a crap reason to give someone shit, and second of all should surprise no one who knows me at all. Of course I'm not going to blindly go along with what people tell me to do; it's so not in my personality. It doesn't mean I don't listen to the advice, and think about the advice, because I do. It just means that I think that I have the most comprehensive view of things. like the whole ex debacle. I know that lots of people didn't agree with how I handled that. I asked for advice, and I listened to it and in some ways, they were proven right. But he and I are the only ones who truly know what our relationship was. So I tried to combine my friends' experience with what I knew as best as I could. And if that pisses people off, so be it.

Going along with the ex thing, I'm also working on how I want to handle things, and how handling difficult moments define who you are. One of the things that people were upset with me about was that I communicated with him at all. After all, they said, he didn't deserve it and was just being selfish and it was going to accomplish nothing. and while they were right, I don't regret it. I want to keep that naively hopeful part of myself alive. If he had changed and I passed up a chance to get back together, I would wonder about it for a long time. Because of how he handled things, now I know that even if he was smart enough to want to get back together, the issues that made me most unhappy are still there. I don't want to be the type of person who once hurt, automatically assumes the worst of the person. I don't want to be the type of person who refuses to see the consequences of her actions, intended or not. I don't want to close myself off, I want to remain empathetic. And that is what I am using as my lodestone. Last night, I went to see Dar (I HEART DAR) wiht a couple of friends, and she was talking about the origins of "The Mercy of the Fallen." It's a song I like, but not one I had spent much time thinking about. But the whole song is about getting lost, and what that teaches you and leads you to, and one of the things is hopefully compassion. I have seen an amazing lack of compassion this past week. Losing compassion is not something I want to happen to me. (Of course, I've also seen a large amount of awesomeness from people who want to help. Even if some of them worry a little too much about me messing up my life.)

I'm also getting better at cutting people I feel are negative influences out of my life. Which sounds uncompassionate, but I don't mean for mistakes they make, and I'm not cutting them out out of vengance or anger. But I don't want people in my life who fake friendship, who try to justify their behavior in any way possible, who are perfectly okay with hurting others. I'd rather save my time and energy for other things and other people. This is a cumulative decision after several weeks and months of thinking.

Most of all, though, I want to look at how I've responded to things and be happy with my actions. I know I'll make mistakes, but it's how you handle those mistakes that shows who you are.

Something Borrowed, something blue

So one of my oldest friends is now married. For nearly a week. It was a lovely wedding, though it is a bit weird to think that my friend that I met for the first time in third grade now has a new last name… *sniffs* I do love weddings, though, especially in cases like these where I am just so happy for the bride and groom. The wedding planner was a nightmare, though. Seriously not on top of stuff for the wedding. I mean, she was a freaking hour late. An HOUR late. We were only a half-hour late and we were 7 girls getting hair and make-up done. No excuses, no phone call. Just showing up like that was when she was supposed to be there. We get there, have no idea where to go, and the sanctuary wasn’t decorated. The limo that was supposed to take the bride and groom to the reception. Never showed. The bride had to climb into her new husband’s freaking huge truck in a wedding dress. With a train that hadn’t been bustled. The whole thing was ridiculous.

The wedding was quintessentially my friend, though, and her family. So not what I would have done, but as long as they were happy with it, that’s all that matters.

As for my last post, apparently a false alarm. There were one or two more emails, but I am not going to force him to communicate with me, not when he started this all. The majority of my friends think that he was just being selfish and wanted some reassurance or comfort or something. I didn’t think that, but now… Well, whatever. I’m not going to worry about it, I’m going to keep looking forward, and if he wants anything, he’s going to have to a. work at it and b. convince me that it’s worth it. I’m not holding my breath.

A Year Plus

So, he emailed me yesterday, basically saying a lot of what I had wanted to hear. I can’t decide how I feel about this. Of course, I immediately start analyzing everything, what this means, what it could lead to, are we going to get back together, do I want to get back together… basically thinking way too far.

But I am proud of how I handled it. Yes, I responded, being honest. I thought about ignoring it, but my reason for not responding would be that I was trying to punish him by treating him in the same frustrating way that he had treated me. And that’s dumb. If I hadn’t responded, then I would be thinking about responding and that’s not good for my zen-like calm. Plus I’m trying to make sure that I behave in a way that I can respect, and acting out for petty reasons is not on that list.

The question though is what I want to do. I thought about calling people to get advice, but I know what most people would say. Especially those who have only heard the worst parts of things. Though I think after emailing him, I am leaving it entirely in his court. And I am okay with whatever scenario plays out. Yes we had a great relationship for a long time, and yes we could get that back (I think, depending on a variety of things). I do still miss him, and it’s not just because he’s “in my head.” It’s because I miss him. Genuinely and frequently, which to me says something. But if that’s not what he’s thinking, or if we did talk and some things were just not going to be fixed, then… I’m okay with that option as well.

A year later

It’s hard to believe it’s been a year. 365 days since I’ve seen someone who was so much a part of my life for so long. Someone who was my absolute best friend, someone who knew things I’d never told anyone else. Someone who also drove me absolutely crazy, who would ignore me when I needed reassurance, sit there silently or, even worse, fall asleep, when I was upset, and who made me feel so unimportant so many times. Someone who yelled at me for being an inconvenience when I had sacrificed to be somewhere to support him, who so often wouldn’t make the effort when an activity was important to me, and who repeatedly stole my joy and excitement.

This weekend was a strange one, in part because my friend decided to tell me that she had seen him. with another girl. on a boat cruise in Annapolis. I’m not going to say that it didn’t hurt, just like I won’t deny that I still miss him sometimes. Actually, it felt like being hit in the stomach. Repeatedly. And then it made me nervous, which was unexpected. Hurt, I get. But her telling me this ruined the hopeful illusion I had created for myself that I will never run into him. That he has vanished from my life for good. It’s not like I didn’t expect him to move on. I would and will have no problem with dating someone when I meet someone I’m interested in. And I’m not really surprised that he found someone first. For all that I wanted to be the first one in a new relationship, I’m also the picky one.

And after some advice and love from my wonderful knitting friends (both in real life and online), I restabilized myself and am cleansing my mind of him. I mean, I am in so much better of a place now than I was when I was with him, especially towards the end. I’m calmer, saner, happier, less stressed (or at least only stressed by outside circumstances, like moving and starting a new job). We were good together, but I’m looking forward to finding someone I’m better with. No, I’m not just looking forward. I’m excited. I just hope it happens soon, since I’m also not particularly patient.

Whales 'R' Us

THIS makes me so mad that I want to hate PETA (Not the blog entry, but the topic). Except I already think they are crazy and awful. But still. This is a new low. Apparently while they are so worried about treating animals well, they could care less about people. Who thought that this would be a good campaign? What gives THEM the right to be so cruel and demeaning towards women? Jerks. This makes me even angrier than the Bacardi ad campaign which I am too lazy to relook up. It basically consisted of the "ugly girl accessory, the must-have accessory for the summer." I'm now boycotting Bacardi. And might hit any PETA people I see. (Okay, probably not. In part because I never see PETA people. Greenpeace, yes. I do talk back to Greenpeace people, and refuse to give them money or sign their petitions. Every once in a while, I tell them WHY I don't like Greenpeace, but they are all punk kids who have no idea how Greenpeace has acted in the past.)

Luckily my anger has been off-set by the good news that I have a phone interview on Friday. I feel so wanted... :-) I'm still hoping for the job that I have the second interview for on Monday, but it's nice to have options and to be getting attention from the job-hirers. Plus I'm going to have Five Guys for dinner, in protest of PETA's encouraging people to be vegetarians.

Taxiing

CW has yelled at me one too many times. Every time I see her, "You never post, the last time you blogged was in May, and it was about being angry." So I'm reblogging. Well, not reblogging, since that implies that I'm taking an old entry and redoing it or something. But blogging a new entry. Plus I'm about to be an attention hoar on ravelry, and I need a new entry for those girls to comment on.

So things for me are kind of in a weird holding pattern. Either that or I'm taxiing to the runway, to keep with the plane metaphors. I'm in the finals for a job that I think could be really amazing. I mean, totally a great opportunity to make it what I want, lots of writing, for a good cause. I'm trying not to get my hopes up. I'm close, really close, but I don't want to be entirely crushed when/if I don't get it. I've also got a couple of other interviews, so I feel like things are looking up. I just want it all settled. Especially since I have to decide on where to live... I really wanted to live by myself. Or I thought I did. I wouldn't mind living with a roommate, if they were cool and didn't expect much of me. I don't like feeling like I HAVE to socialize, though right now I'm totally undersocializing.

This whole not seeing people at work or class means that I feel really chatty when I am around people. I have decided that now when I drink, I try and make up for whatever I'm missing in my life. I get really chatty and huggy. Which is kind of a new thing. Not the drinking, but the massive amounts of chatting. I think I've been surprising some of my friends who are used to the more reserved me...

As for the ex. I won't say I'm entirely over things, since stress makes me more emotional and being emotional brings stuff I felt for or about him. But I will say that I'm 98% over him. I saw something a week or so ago that brought up memories of him and I wasn't angry. I wasn't even really sad. I was nostalgic. I smiled. I kept going. Which I think is an excellent sign. Now I just need to find a new guy. And for any rubberhoar who reads this, let me add a post-script. A GUY I'M ATTRACTED TO. I think I'm ready for it. Entirely and utterly.

The anger remains the same

So even though I've moved on. Even though I've taken what I learned and made a list of my new ideal (it's a good list. I'll talk about it later), I'm still kind of pissed. I made the mistake tonight of having a martini, which eventually led me to look at his FB page. He's added a picture of him looking all happy. Dumbass. I shouldn't be upset. All of my pictures on FB are of me happy. And several are of me with other guys. Of course, he's going to put up a picture of him being happy, but it reminds me that he is having a life without me. Of course I'm having a life without him. I do wish I had the hotter pictures of me. Sadly, most of them are in my friends' hands. I just hope that he knows I have nothing but disdain for him and his actions, especially since we broke up.

I have taken stuff from that relationship to realize what I really want from a relationship. Some of it, he provided. I loved the way he cared for me, kissed my forehead, tried to incorporate my dreams into our supposed future. Despite my anger about how things wound up, I do recognize that he did provide a lot of what I needed. But he always claimed that he couldn't be as exciting as what I wanted. I think he may have been right. Not in the way he meant. But he never wanted to do anything. It was a major effort to get him to leave either of our apartments. And God forbid I wanted to go to a party or out with my friends. He never wanted to do any of that. Or even things that we could do as a couple. I had to think of them all, and he was never enthusiastic about anything that took any energy. I want someone who is willing to go on a hike, or go out, or go to my friends' parties. It's not like I want to ALWAYS do that. But sometimes. So here is my list:

1. can make me laugh.
2. can help me take myself less seriously.
3. is willing to be social.
4. is willing to plan things to do.
5. will actually follow through on plans.
6. will help me to be more active than I would be normally.

See? It's not such a horrible list, although there may be a few more. (I'd like someone taller than I am, and someone who has a relatively strong faith.)

Somehow Familiar

The End All Over Again

It has now been a little over a week since I officially earned my masters. I've been surprised by how exhausted I am. I mean, sleeping tons, having a hard time getting motivated to do anything... I do feel better about it all, though, since I talked to one of my friends last night and she said she went through that when she got her masters. Actually, she said it took her three months to start feeling totally normal. So a couple of exhausted weeks is probably not such a big deal.

The ceremony itself was... interesting. It was weird sitting in the room beforehand, knowing that a. I'll never be with all of those people in the same room again and b. I'll probably never see some of them again. Some of them I'm sad about, and some of them not so much. Which isn't to say that I disliked them, but that there are several that I'm kind of indifferent towards. But still strange. The ceremony itself... dear God, it was hot. Every time the sun came out, I about died. And of course, I didn't want to have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the ceremony, so I hadn't had much water and by the end was rather headachey.

It was lovely to have my immediate family here. There was some back and forth about the travel plans, which always throws my mom a little off and made her worried and naggy. I felt kind of bad, because by Saturday night I was a little snappy and snapped at my dad, when really it was my mom who had worn me down. "Are you sure we should do this, are you sure we shouldn't do this, what about this, why haven't you fixed this, you know you could do something about this..." I know that she likes to have everything planned out and that she doesn't know the area and therefore has to just have to trust me. I also realized over the course of the weekend that I react much better to requests phrased some ways over others.

Then my mom and dad and I went over to West Virginia. It was pretty much exactly what I needed. Slow, relaxed. I spent hours in the hot tub, reading and thinking and processing. I think it helped me to finally get to the point of acceptance with the whole break-up. I mean, I still think about it, but... I'm over it. I LOVED seeing all the stars. You can never really see the stars here. There... so many. It was gorgeous. We didn't have cell phone coverage, though, which kind of bothered me. with everything around my future all in the air, I don't like to be out of contact. Not that it made any difference. Though one of my friends is really pushing for her job to hire me. We'll see. It'd be great, though.

The Madness Begins/Ends/Goes Round and Round in a Circle

Well, the madness that has been my life is... quasi-over. That's right. I turned in my thesis to the grad school last week, and my last final paper (EVER!!!) yesterday. I did loose math and figured that I wrote approximately 150 pages this semester. I do wish my final papers had been a bit better, but I just couldn't stand to care or spend more time thinking about them. Now I'm on to graduation! I don't know that it has entirely sunk in. I dreamt last night that the head of my program returned it to me with a bunch of changes that had to be made and approved by midnight, and it was 7ish, and everyone else's was fine. Needless to say, I was a bit frantic.

I blame the new madness in my life, which is what I was thinking about last night before I went to bed. The new madness is basically finding a job. I've interviewed a couple of times, but the problem is once you get to the interview, you're STILL competing against a dozen or more people. I'm starting to get a bit panicked. I mean, I don't really have a large amount of savings to carry me through finding a job, particularly if I have no real source of income. The current back-up plan is to temp or work at B&N again. Which reminds me, I should go put in applications for those soon. But neither of those are going to provide a huge amount of money, and I'm working my connections as best I can and not getting anywhere. The two interviews I've had haven't come from contacts, but from random job applications (ones where you can just hit a little button to apply).

Plus I'm heartily tired of being single. I know, it's only been 8 months, but I LIKE being in a couple. I do. I just haven't really met anyone else that I want to be in a couple with...

Eventually

I’ve been feeling strange. Not weird; I’m always that. (Why do I so enjoy alternate interpretations of simple statements?) But not myself. Exhausted, for one, which isn’t surprising given everything that’s going on and the fact that I came down with a cold this past weekend. (I TOLD my classmates that I was going to keep getting sick until I got my thesis done. Thank God the migraines seem to have relatively vanished, though.)

But mainly I just can’t bring myself to care. Or when I do care, to connect. Last night I was pondering if my inability to connect is a part of why I love the RRers so much: awesome people online, minimal effort. I get the human connection I need, lots and lots of support, and no awkward silences. But that also makes me a little sad. I mean, there are people I genuinely like in real life, but I just cannot seem to connect with them, even people I have with in the past. It just seems like I can’t get myself to have the energy, if that makes any sense.

I really think it’s stress, especially since I’ve started heading more into a funk. On the one hand, I always have my very practical, relatively upbeat voice in my head telling me that I’ll find a job, that I’ll find someone new to date, that I’ll find a new roommate… It’ll all work out and I have so much more support than a lot of people do. (Of course, I don’t have any Wollmeise to sell, which could totally put me over the top…) But a part of me is convinced that there shall be no job, there shall be no significant other. That I will watch my savings bleed away as I continue to find no roommate. That I should just give up, and go buy one of the horrible snuggly blankets.

All this led to an absolutely over-the-top reaction to the end of The House of Mirth. Plus I missed the explosion on the water today.

Jobness. Or lack there of.

Well, I promised some rubberhoars that I would post, so here I am, posting. At 2:30am. I have no good reason for posting so late, but I am. Luckily I don’t work tomorrow! Yay for part-time employment…

Which brings me to the meat of this post. I’m being let go. Oh, they are trying to sugarcoat it. All “we love you and we’d love to keep you, but we know you won’t stay for very long…” But let’s face it. The real message is “we want to change your position, so please leave.” I’m not saying they don’t love me and they wouldn’t try and keep me if I were going to stay around longer. I mean, clearly I wasn’t going to stay at a part-time position where I get rave reviews only working 20 hours a week and spending at least half of that time putzing around. (This is not to say I wouldn’t work if I had the work to do. I would LOVE to be busy. I like being busy. Having more to do makes me more productive, and I like being productive.) But they had told me that this job was mine as long as I needed it, something I saw as a lovely back-up. A nice cushion. And now… I mean, it is getting a much-needed fire under my ass. After my supervisor told me, I spent the rest of the afternoon emailing contacts. Who, I might add, all also told me that anyone would be lucky to have me. Which is a bit annoying. I mean, clearly I love that my former supervisors and coworkers love me and think a lot of me (except for horrible boss and previous ED who had no idea was she was doing), but why then is it so hard to find work? Why can’t I get anyone to interview me? I think if I could just get the interview, I could convince them. Especially with my total dream job of assistant editor of knitting. Seriously. I would push people out of the way for that job. But I applied a couple of weeks ago and despite being insanely well-qualified, I haven’t heard word one. (I did reemail them yesterday; the job is still posted, so I figured reminding them about me and showing that I’m legitimately interested and not just applying to a million positions might help.) Hopefully, though, the fact that I have more contacts this time than I did last time will help me out. Seriously, people… I’m willing to move and everything!!!!

I don’t know. I think what really bothers me about this whole being let go thing is not the being let go part. It’s how they are handling it. I mean, don’t try and pretend like I have a say in this. Don’t tell me that we need to sit down and work out a date for me to leave, when you CLEARLY have one that you want me gone by. I will respect you more for just saying it. Also, you probably shouldn’t have told me that I can stay as long as I want; if you hadn’t, I wouldn’t have started considering keeping this job as a fall-back.

Running from the chapel

Dear Friends:

I love you all. I always want to share the joyful events in your life, and I never want any friend to hesitate to tell me something that makes them happy.

Sincerely,

Me

That said, this week has been really... emotional for me. Because while I am genuinely happy for my friends (one newly engaged and one newly married), these events make a part of me sad. Because I want what they have. It reminds me of everything I've gone through over the past six months (interestingly, it was exactly six months this weekend, on the day of my friend's wedding). I was supposed to be over being sad by now, but I'm not. I think I need a rebound or something. Plus I didn't get my fellowship, and I haven't heard anything from the awesome job I was totally excited about and applied for. Which all totally bums me out.

Plus this weekend was strange. I hadn't seen the bride in four years (I kept saying three, but later did the math and I was off). There's still an abiding affection between us, and a fair amount of history, but the fact is we haven't really been a part of each other's lives for years. I don't actually know what her life is like, and she doesn't know much about mine. So there's this distance/closeness...

The people I hung out with at the wedding were lots of fun, though. I think it was actually better because we weren't hugely close in college. One girl was in my group and we hung out, but we never that close, and the other two we occasionally hung out together, but only because of hte bride. And we had a great time. Plus I got to meet Stanzi, the first of the rubberhoars I've met in real life.

Non-exciting orals.

So now that all my fellow rubberhoars are following, I really HAVE to update. Thanks a lot, guys... :-)

My orals... are done. I think I actually read too much. They were pretty impressed with the extent of the things I knew, though I could have spent more time analyzing the literature through the lens of the theory I read. But I got what I wanted, so I'm good. But now I have to work on my thesis and I'm not sure who is actually my main advisor for my thesis.

I am very glad they're done. The stress was getting to me. I was feeling sad about SB who is now to be now as AH. All missing him and whatnot. But now that I've relaxed, things are a bit better...

Panic: AKA OMG, MY EXAM IS IN TWO DAYS!!!

I'm supposed to be working on my orals. I keep freaking out about them, which is very bad since I keep giving myself migraines. And since I'm stressed out about time, the migraines make me more stressed since I can't really work with them. I am amused by the fact that most people's responses to my freaking-outness are along the lines of "you like to talk. You always have something to say. You'll do fabulously." Which in some ways is true. I do like to talk, I do like class discussions. But it's the having to say something and say something witty and intelligent and well-researched that's putting some pressure on me. What if I haven't read enough? What if I forget everything I read? What if I stop breathing or get hit by a car or get a migraine or lose my voice or... (See, this is me. This is me over-worrying.) I've thought about my subject and how it relates to my books A LOT. I know the area. My advisors don't. It should be fine. It's going to be fine. I just need to not freak out.

I did buy stickers today. I'm going to put them on my notes to make me smile during my exam. They are shamrocks. My topic is Ireland. I also very briefly entertained the thought of buying a funny "Irish" hat to wear. Which would be SO unprofessional, but would be entirely entertaining.

As the World... Tilts.

I'm sick. Sick, sick, sick. It's been a long time since I've been this sick, since I've been barely able to crawl out of bed, since getting online is too much effort, and walking to class (I had to go; it was the first week) wore me out and almost made me pass out. Cassie has loved it, though. All the sleeping and me being around. I thought I was doing better. I even went to a party last night, one that I had been looking forward to for a while. It was the English department Inauguration Gala. I had fun. But then I woke up this morning and have been dizzy ever since. I even had a moment where I sat up in bed and then the world flipped and I fell over. Not really fell over, since I was only sitting up and in bed and I only fell over onto the bed, but it was still one of the stranger moments in my life/illness. Oh well. At least I'm not coughing my lungs out anymore. And I banned myself from driving while I feel like this.

But the sickness is making me sad and stressed and bored and emotional. I don't want to still be sad. He doesn't deserve for me to be sad. But I am, and I'm so scared and sure that I won't meet anyone new. Where am I going to meet someone? Not in my program, not at work... Everything else is mostly female-oriented. No one actually meets people at bars... And I'm tired of being whiny and needy and insecure. i just want to be well and happy. Mainly the well part. Especially since I've got stuff to do on Inauguration Tuesday.

A mixed bag

I've been feeling strange lately. Lots and lots of swinging from highs to lows for very little reason. I will go from being sure that at least 5 guys in a thirty-foot radius are looking at me to being sure that I won't ever find someone new and that I'm destined to be alone and no one is ever going to want to be with me. Plus I totally thought I beat this adorable girl at Whit's wedding, but I didn't and that made me sad.

I also thought I was over being angry. Sitting at my church at home over Christmas, I felt calm. Peaceful. Understanding. I still have residue of that. I did actually do something kind for him. If he gets my email with the necessary info. Which he probably won't, because he probably changed all his contact info to avoid having to ever deal with me again. But I'm not. I'm over being angry about stuff in the relationship. But I'm pissed at how he has treated me since. This silence? It's basically a "fuck you." Oh, I'm sure he has some sort of justification in his mind, but I don't care. I don't care if he's hurting or if he's scared. Grow a pair, put on your big boy pants, and deal with the world you've created. I'm just disgusted with how he's acted. Especially since I've been watching a ton of Gilmore Girls (yay for the entire series on DVD!!) and even Dean at 17 acted more mature.

Sigh. At least Christmas was relatively lovely. There was a travel debacle and I'm going to try to boycott Continental for their abominable treatment of my brother and sil, but it was mostly nice. Especially considering that I had absolutely no Christmas spirit this year. I mean, none. I've never felt so little. I mean the Christmas Eve service got to me (it always does), but... I have also had the realization that a. I don't care what people I went to high school think of me, and b. I'd rather not see any of them unless I'm trying and willing to see them. I did get to see Haley, who debates religion with me and with whom I will never agree on some of the points, but whom I still love. The debates might be fruitless, but it's okay because we still agree on major points (Christianity is based in love; hating people because you disagree with parts of their life is stupid) and because we're okay disagreeing. I don't leave there frustrated; I did leave exhausted, though. Debating until late at night is TIRING. I do think I'm going to love her next cd, though, especially since it's a break-up cd... I should demand she get in the studio ASAP.