Running from the chapel

Dear Friends:

I love you all. I always want to share the joyful events in your life, and I never want any friend to hesitate to tell me something that makes them happy.

Sincerely,

Me

That said, this week has been really... emotional for me. Because while I am genuinely happy for my friends (one newly engaged and one newly married), these events make a part of me sad. Because I want what they have. It reminds me of everything I've gone through over the past six months (interestingly, it was exactly six months this weekend, on the day of my friend's wedding). I was supposed to be over being sad by now, but I'm not. I think I need a rebound or something. Plus I didn't get my fellowship, and I haven't heard anything from the awesome job I was totally excited about and applied for. Which all totally bums me out.

Plus this weekend was strange. I hadn't seen the bride in four years (I kept saying three, but later did the math and I was off). There's still an abiding affection between us, and a fair amount of history, but the fact is we haven't really been a part of each other's lives for years. I don't actually know what her life is like, and she doesn't know much about mine. So there's this distance/closeness...

The people I hung out with at the wedding were lots of fun, though. I think it was actually better because we weren't hugely close in college. One girl was in my group and we hung out, but we never that close, and the other two we occasionally hung out together, but only because of hte bride. And we had a great time. Plus I got to meet Stanzi, the first of the rubberhoars I've met in real life.

Non-exciting orals.

So now that all my fellow rubberhoars are following, I really HAVE to update. Thanks a lot, guys... :-)

My orals... are done. I think I actually read too much. They were pretty impressed with the extent of the things I knew, though I could have spent more time analyzing the literature through the lens of the theory I read. But I got what I wanted, so I'm good. But now I have to work on my thesis and I'm not sure who is actually my main advisor for my thesis.

I am very glad they're done. The stress was getting to me. I was feeling sad about SB who is now to be now as AH. All missing him and whatnot. But now that I've relaxed, things are a bit better...

Panic: AKA OMG, MY EXAM IS IN TWO DAYS!!!

I'm supposed to be working on my orals. I keep freaking out about them, which is very bad since I keep giving myself migraines. And since I'm stressed out about time, the migraines make me more stressed since I can't really work with them. I am amused by the fact that most people's responses to my freaking-outness are along the lines of "you like to talk. You always have something to say. You'll do fabulously." Which in some ways is true. I do like to talk, I do like class discussions. But it's the having to say something and say something witty and intelligent and well-researched that's putting some pressure on me. What if I haven't read enough? What if I forget everything I read? What if I stop breathing or get hit by a car or get a migraine or lose my voice or... (See, this is me. This is me over-worrying.) I've thought about my subject and how it relates to my books A LOT. I know the area. My advisors don't. It should be fine. It's going to be fine. I just need to not freak out.

I did buy stickers today. I'm going to put them on my notes to make me smile during my exam. They are shamrocks. My topic is Ireland. I also very briefly entertained the thought of buying a funny "Irish" hat to wear. Which would be SO unprofessional, but would be entirely entertaining.

As the World... Tilts.

I'm sick. Sick, sick, sick. It's been a long time since I've been this sick, since I've been barely able to crawl out of bed, since getting online is too much effort, and walking to class (I had to go; it was the first week) wore me out and almost made me pass out. Cassie has loved it, though. All the sleeping and me being around. I thought I was doing better. I even went to a party last night, one that I had been looking forward to for a while. It was the English department Inauguration Gala. I had fun. But then I woke up this morning and have been dizzy ever since. I even had a moment where I sat up in bed and then the world flipped and I fell over. Not really fell over, since I was only sitting up and in bed and I only fell over onto the bed, but it was still one of the stranger moments in my life/illness. Oh well. At least I'm not coughing my lungs out anymore. And I banned myself from driving while I feel like this.

But the sickness is making me sad and stressed and bored and emotional. I don't want to still be sad. He doesn't deserve for me to be sad. But I am, and I'm so scared and sure that I won't meet anyone new. Where am I going to meet someone? Not in my program, not at work... Everything else is mostly female-oriented. No one actually meets people at bars... And I'm tired of being whiny and needy and insecure. i just want to be well and happy. Mainly the well part. Especially since I've got stuff to do on Inauguration Tuesday.

A mixed bag

I've been feeling strange lately. Lots and lots of swinging from highs to lows for very little reason. I will go from being sure that at least 5 guys in a thirty-foot radius are looking at me to being sure that I won't ever find someone new and that I'm destined to be alone and no one is ever going to want to be with me. Plus I totally thought I beat this adorable girl at Whit's wedding, but I didn't and that made me sad.

I also thought I was over being angry. Sitting at my church at home over Christmas, I felt calm. Peaceful. Understanding. I still have residue of that. I did actually do something kind for him. If he gets my email with the necessary info. Which he probably won't, because he probably changed all his contact info to avoid having to ever deal with me again. But I'm not. I'm over being angry about stuff in the relationship. But I'm pissed at how he has treated me since. This silence? It's basically a "fuck you." Oh, I'm sure he has some sort of justification in his mind, but I don't care. I don't care if he's hurting or if he's scared. Grow a pair, put on your big boy pants, and deal with the world you've created. I'm just disgusted with how he's acted. Especially since I've been watching a ton of Gilmore Girls (yay for the entire series on DVD!!) and even Dean at 17 acted more mature.

Sigh. At least Christmas was relatively lovely. There was a travel debacle and I'm going to try to boycott Continental for their abominable treatment of my brother and sil, but it was mostly nice. Especially considering that I had absolutely no Christmas spirit this year. I mean, none. I've never felt so little. I mean the Christmas Eve service got to me (it always does), but... I have also had the realization that a. I don't care what people I went to high school think of me, and b. I'd rather not see any of them unless I'm trying and willing to see them. I did get to see Haley, who debates religion with me and with whom I will never agree on some of the points, but whom I still love. The debates might be fruitless, but it's okay because we still agree on major points (Christianity is based in love; hating people because you disagree with parts of their life is stupid) and because we're okay disagreeing. I don't leave there frustrated; I did leave exhausted, though. Debating until late at night is TIRING. I do think I'm going to love her next cd, though, especially since it's a break-up cd... I should demand she get in the studio ASAP.

We All Fall Down

SO I was going to post about how today was the day of success. Not only did I manage to finish my paper (final one for this semester! Whee!), I had what I thought was a brilliant moment at the end. I’m not sure, though. That was a couple of hours ago and now my brain is dead and I’m not sure of anything. Plus I’m getting my “I’m done with chaos and everything and now can get sick” sickness, so I really am pretty spacey.

I did manage to not text him last night. I wanted to, but I didn’t. It was going to be kind of mean. The word “liar” would have been used. But then I tried to come up with why I would want to text him this morning, and I don’t have any real reason. I’m not even looking to get a response any more. And why should I care if he knows or doesn’t know how I’m feeling? He clearly doesn’t care, so why bother. He knows he was lying, he knows I didn’t think we could be friends. If he wants to make amends, he can contact me and then we’ll hash it out. In which case, my response will probably be along the lines of why would I want to be friends with you after you treated me like you did?

I’m also feeling antsy and pissy and willing to dismiss anyone at the slightest provocation. Okay, that might be a BIT extreme, but I am awfully cranky. I think I’ll sit at home tonight, watch Christmas movies, and drink hot cider.

Happy Non-Anniversary to Me

Today would have been six years. Last year, it snowed on our anniversary and I thought it was lovely and he thought it was annoying because it freaked out all the drivers. This year, I ran errands, bought myself some lovely pajama pants on sale and a DVD, and am working on a paper. All alone. I also freaked out yesterday because he apparently has gotten on Facebook. Which is kind of a dumb thing to freak out about, but I felt like Facebook was a safe online area, one where the only mentions of him would come if someone asked me something. That I would have the control over whether or not his name came up. And now… now I’ll have to watch myself. Of course, given his complete and utter ignoring of my existence, which still continues, he’ll probably avoid me much more completely than I’d ever try to avoid him (Ironic, since he was the one who argued for staying friends. I know I’ve said that before, but the irony remains). I can’t decide if it’s because he had long ago stopped really caring about me and now could care less about having the common courtesy of occasionally responding, or if he’s just in too much pain and contacting me would make it worse. I hope it’s the second for multiple reasons, one of which is that it’ll prove me right. I like being right. Though I still think the second one is selfish. Especially since he initiated the break-up.

I also have realized that it’s not in the first few weeks you have to worry about calling or contacting. I had no real problems refraining then. I was too wrapped up in pain and pride to want to contact him then. But now… Now I can hardly stop myself. It’s like picking at a scab or something. I had some eggnog and rum last night, and promptly sent three texts. I mean, it’s not like I text him all the time. At most once a week. Which actually would be less if I ever got a response. Since I don’t, it’s like throwing stuff out into thin air. Who cares? It has no impact, no consequences. And most of them are positive and negative simultaneously enough to be rather neutral.

In the other funness that is my life, my new(er. It’s about three years old) laptop’s charger has stopped working, meaning I had to pull out my old laptop. Which actually isn’t as annoying as it might be. I mean, this thing has it’s glitches and I can’t do a number of things since the operating system is Windows 98 (meaning iTunes won’t run and I can’t update Firefox), but it is much lighter than my new one and doesn’t get scalding hot. Plus I’ve written a good number of papers on here and am fairly used to the keyboard. And actually like it. It might be my favorite typing keyboard ever. (Which sounds weird, but I’m assuming you guys get it. Certain keyboards have sizing/pressure issues.)

Avoidance

Well, it's a good thing I wasn't counting on a reply, since there has been none. Whatever.

I'm also majorly avoiding my final papers right now. I just can't bring myself to concentrate. I'm supposed to be working on at least the thesis of them... Sigh. I'm beginning to regret that we never went on the search for our work ethics that we planned in college...

Taco Dip of Holidays

This Thanksgiving was not quite the break from stress I was hoping for. In fact, it kind of wound up being a multi-layered emotional roller coaster. The top (and best) layer was getting to see my family, particularly my immediate family as they don't stress me out. We also had some extended family over. I love all my family, but some times they can wear me out. Plus my dad hadn't told the extendeds about me and SB, so within ten minutes of them getting here, I was face-to-face with the whole awkwardness of the situation. (My dad did have cute and understandable reasons for not telling them, but it made things harder these past couple of days.) And one of my aunts is not known for tact, so I got to listen to her talking about the whole thing all over again when my other aunt called on Thanksgiving and while I stared stone-faced at my knitting and pretended I didn't hear.

The next layer would be shear panic and annoyance about the next couple of weeks and school. Thanksgiving had to come at the worst time this year, and as soon as I get back, I shall have to fling myself madly into work for the next 10-12 days.

I also have decided that there are certain friends of mine that I am tired of making all the effort for. I'm not saying that I expect crazy nice things out of them, but seriously? An email every once in a while, a phone call, a coffee date? Is that too much to organize? It'd be one thing if they just didn't do that. It's when I see them making the effort with other people that I get annoyed. I don't have the mental energy to worry about this stuff. (And if you're reading this blog, I'm not talking about you.)

It doesn't help that all the stress plus the holidays plus the fact our anniversary would have been next week have made me very nostalgic and sad. I did even email him. It wasn't a fluff email (it did have some "I miss you," but it also had some "here's why I'm angry). I just wrote it as a catharsis, but then I decided to send it. I'm not expecting any real response, but it made me feel better. I was tired of having those conversations in my head. I mean, a part of me is hoping for a response, a reconnection, possibly a new beginning. Let's not kid ourselves, here. But mostly, I just wanted it out there.

67 plus 1

As of yesterday, it has been 67 days, the number I thought would be magic (okay, not really. I did recognize that basing my hopes for survival and healing on an episode of “How I Met Your Mother” was not really practical.). And here I am, with freshly dyed and awesome hair, and I’m still sad. I still miss him. And I’m still angry. I’m tired of being angry, although I do think back fondly on the myself of two months ago who was afraid I wouldn’t get angry (the book I bought says you need to work through your anger in order to feel passion again). Both tend to hit me in strong waves, and I just want to forgive, forget and move on. Even more than feeling angry or sad or whatever, I’m tired of thinking of him. Wondering if he’s thinking of me, if he regrets anything. Wondering how long it’ll take the full regret to hit him, if he’ll ever contact me or if the night he broke up with me was the last time I’ll see him. I’m hoping this last wave, which has been stronger than those in the past, is the last one, the last “I’m ridding myself of him and therefore must mourn and process things once more” thing, rather than a “I’m stressed and sick and tired and worn out and thinking of all the things that I’ve got to do, therefore I miss my previous support system” thing.

I have decided that I’m probably not going to meet people in bars, and therefore need to rethink that aspect of going out. Saturday night was one of my friends’ birthdays (or at least her party), and one of her friends and I wandered around a bar, looking for someone I might be interested in (btw, her friends are AWESOME). And I found no one. Which in large part could be because the guys you meet in bars, especially bars in Adams Morgan, are not the kinds of guys I’m going to be attracted to. I do think another part of it, though, is that I’ve realized that I’m terrified of getting hurt. I know, I was all, “I’m ready to date again…” which isn’t entirely not true. I mean, how do you get over your fears except by facing them? But the thought of going through all of this again? Nearly gives me a panic attack.

A not so brief summary

There have been about 214456987 things to blog about in the last week, but… well, I fail. First I was going to write about seeing Haley and her dad, which was awesome. I love Haley. Seeing her always reminds me that no matter how much we might disagree on issues (she’s conservative, I’m liberal), being open-minded and respectful makes all the difference. Every time, I walk away thinking how much I love her, and how much fun it is to see her, no matter what we wind up talking about. Plus, as I believe I’ve mentioned, we’re going through similar situations right now, so the support is nice. Her dad, too, is great. I was entertained by the fact that he was mildly surprised at my parents’ reaction to the break-up, which was more “We’re sad, we liked him,” than “How could he do this to our daughter?!?!?!” (the latter being what he felt was the correct response). His new cd, though? Is going to rock. I’m super-excited about it. And Haley’s going back into the studio, hopefully soon, and that’s going to be great, too.

Then I was going to write about my first date, which was okay. The guy was really nice, but there wasn’t a huge connection. Then I was going to write about knitting group drama, but then I decided I didn’t care enough and that it wasn’t worth the mental energy, what with all the things going on in my life.

Like, for example, the stress of having a prospectus due in a couple of weeks. This is basically my proposal for my oral exams, and I need both advisors to sign off on it and the reading list. It’s due the week after Thanksgiving, which means I have to have them sign it before I leave for Thanksgiving… Plus there is all the final paper stuff and I at one point dreamt that I was suffocating in a sandstorm while in a class (seriously? Mind, can you be a little less literal???). So me=STRESSED. Although I am starting to narrow down my topic, which is helpful. I also had a funny dream about Emily, where her fiancé was going to Tartuga so I wanted him to bring me back Johnny Depp.

I also dreamt about him. Twice about us getting back together, the first where I was so not enthused and the second where I was more hopeful and excited. Plus this weekend was the Dar concert we usually went to every year. That and the stress and the time of year and everything… I’ve regressed back to really missing him. A part of me is convinced he is coming back, but let’s face it. It’s unlikely. CW texted him on Saturday night (we’d gone out, had a few rum and cokes, and were feeling a little mean. Or I was, and she was willing to go along with it), and was surprised to get no response. I of course was not. He never responded to texts. And right now, I’m sure he thinks no response at all is taking the high road. Whatever. I recognize that he has a lot of growing up to do. I think a lot of my problems with the relationship revolved around issues of immaturity. But right now, I don’t care. Except for when I’m feeling angry. Because I’m still in that stage, too…

Lessons Learned, and I Don't Have to Move

I learned many a thing last night, the first and foremost being that it is freaking awesome to be on the winning side of a major election. Not only on the winning side, but in a toss-up state where your vote actually counts. I win! I also love how many people in other countries celebrated and congratulated and basically are saying, “Yay, Americans AREN’T morons…” Gives one a lovely glowing feeling.

I went with some of the other grad students to bar to watch the results come in. It was a good time. Lots of cheering and chatting and whatnot. They had both McCain and Obama shots there. I met some of the first years and hung out with a few more that I’ve met but never really see. HOWEVER. It was the location of yet another lesson. Do not joke more than once with a gay guy about him bringing you men back to the table. He just might do it. And it was thoroughly awkward. I mean, I think I might be ready to start dating again (I keep trying to figure out how I feel. It’s like when you have a bruise and you poke it to see if it still hurts), but not like that. I’m pretty picky and just because I might say someone is cute doesn’t mean I’m actually attracted to them in any kind of real way. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, but I just wasn’t interested. It didn’t help that whenever he was like “I don’t think she’s interested,” aforementioned gay guy was all like, “No, she totally said you were cute!” I could have smacked him. Sigh.

But still. Much happiness. And I’m dying my hair next week. That’s right, I took the plunge and made an appointment.

Holding my breath

It’s election day, and I’m actually pretty excited. I wasn’t, but then I walked to work and saw the teenagers out with their “Yay, Obama” and “Vote” (with the “o” being Obama’s logo), and it all of a sudden hit me. If we don’t win today… God help us all. And I’m moving. Well, as soon as I get my degree.

This is only my second time voting in a presidential election (I was a mere 17 in the infamous 2000 episode), and once again, I voted early. And I’m glad I did. It only took me 20 minutes, I got my sticker, and I got out of there. But there is a strange energy everywhere. It might just be because of my location, but everyone is paying attention. Riveted to the television and internet and antsy to find out the results. And I doubt that it’s just DC; after all, there are insane lines all over the country. For this one moment in time, people everywhere seem to have realized: “THIS IS IMPORTANT.” The rest of the world will judge us for our decision, the rest of the world will be impacted by our decision, therefore the rest of the world is watching with bated breath as well. The news is reporting record early voting, so record it seems as though the early voting this year might outstrip regular voting percentiles from 2004.

It kind of feels like Christmas. But a Christmas where you get a decent economy, improved international relations, and reformation of several social problems (hopefully) if you’re good, and hatred and depression if you’re bad.

Not-so-Happy Halloween

Well, my Halloween was a complete and utter bust. Not because I didn't have plans. I had TWO things (at least) that I could have gone to, and I was totally going to do one. I even had a funny costume idea: I was going to be Russia to my friend's Sarah Palin. The theme: ensuring that everyone had enough foreign experience to be VP. But Thursday night I was exhausted and starting to get a headache. I thought, "It's just a headache, plus I didn't sleep well last night... I'll be fine tomorrow." Friday morning, I woke up still with a headache, but I figured it'd go away. It did not. In fact, it got worse. Not only did it get worse, it was joined my nausea. I hadn't thrown up in a long time for reasons beyond my control. I now remember how much I hate it. It was AWFUL. I'd get up only long enough to throw up, and then collapse back in pain, covering my eyes so the flickering from the tv didn't bother me and then dozing while listening to whatever was on. So, needless to say, I missed my party. Not only did I miss my party, but I actually have lots of work to do, so even though today I again was exhausted, I drug myself out and am now sitting at a cafe so I can download one of the movies I'm supposed to watch for class on Thursday. It's taking forever, and the other movie we have to watch I can only either watch streaming (which given my internet status at my apartment=going somewhere else to watch it) or go to Blockbuster and rent it, which I don't want to do.

Plus the fever has given me strange dreams, leading to me dreaming (of course) about him, in a weird situation where we were trying to be friends but not really and I couldn't really figure out what was going on and how to act. There was also an incident with showers and bathrooms and someone stealing my shower curtain and replacing it with cardboard... And then my family was there and we were doing stuff in DC. It was all... well, weird, and the main thing I remember was that seeing him and then having him vanish made me feel really lonely. Which of course makes sense, since I am kind of lonely, given that he was my best friend and I spent hours every week with him, and now I spend all that time by myself.

Two Steps Forward, 1.5 Steps Back

LL and I went to the Shen Wei dance production at the Kennedy Center last night. It was… interesting and fascinating and surprisingly mesmerizing. I say surprisingly because usually I enjoy dance, but kind of space out and get bored and whatnot. But this… it was like meditating through dance, especially the first half (the piece was Re:). The second half was a physical interpretation of the music, the kind of crazy dancing you do when no one can see or when you’re a kid or whatever. Only insanely controlled. I can’t imagine how strong these people must be. EVERY movement was perfect and interesting. The things they could do with their backs or their arms… occasionally they looked possessed, but in a non-bad way. It was highly enjoyable. (I am repaying LL by taking her to see Carmen with the tickets I got with SB’s gift certificate before he broke up with me.)

Besides that…well, I’m insanely stressed out, what with work and school and being crazily busy. And I’ve started missing him insanely much. I have Sara Bareilles’ song “Come Round Soon” in my head, and a part of me thinks he’ll call any day now and want to get back with me. I know it’s not true and I know it’s not healthy, but I can’t change the way I feel about it. And now all the tiny things are reminding me of him, small phrases, the fact that someone said “cookie,” the fact that it’s fall and we both love fall and he visited me in England in the fall… I miss him as much now as I did when I was overseas and he was not. And that was when things were still really good and when he hadn’t broken my heart (I also have that image from Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2, when Alexis says that).

Rewind

Yeah, so I realized something else tonight. While all that stuff I wrote earlier today is true, I didn’t stay with him despite it all. I stayed with him because of everything else. I mean, yeah, he occasionally was an asshat. But a lot of the time, most of the time, he was a good boyfriend. A really good boyfriend who would do anything he could to make me happy. And right now, I miss him. I miss him a lot. I just want to call him up and have him come over and watch tv and cuddle. And I know I can’t. I won’t. But I’d give a lot to go back to when I could.

Rehash

Ugh. I found an old diary entry from a few years ago (December, 2005, to be exact). It was describing a fight we’d had, the first time he really let loose on me. And I can remember that fight. I can remember how he just lost it and was nasty and mean. I believe that it was the fight that happened after his friends’ party, when I walked in to see him getting a massage from another girl when he knew I wouldn’t like that. (He tended to suppress negative emotion and then act out because of it.) Though she did give amazing massages. I was still pissed. He also blamed me for stopping him from playing Century Club. Whatever. I didn’t want to spend the night there, and I didn’t want to borrow pajamas from the girl who lived there because we weren't friends and that would be weird.

None of this was a surprise. I had realized all the things that drove me nuts and that were problems long before we broke up. He had been working on some of them (although I never think he REALLY understood why his perpetual lateness made me furious), and others had gotten better and a few I’d just given up on as weren’t going to change (like the aforementioned lateness).

But what I’d forgotten was that he threatened to break up with me, that he’d said that he didn’t plan on doing it like that, but still. (He also told me that everything would be great if I would just change and not mind things.) So how long had he been thinking about breaking up with me? How many times was he so close to ending things, while I wandered around oblivious? He never really could deal with my emotions (I’m crazy, I fully admit it, but I will give you a step-by-step guide to deal with the crazy. Step 1? Don’t make me feel ignored when I’m upset. It will push me over the edge into insanely hurt/pissed off.) and that was around the time when he so nicely told me that I should have not gone out to dinner with his family, despite the fact that I’d used a vacation day and worn a really uncomfortable dress for hours to look nice for his work event that his family had come into town for. I believe his exact words were “It would have been SO much easier if you had just gone home.” I put on a lovely face for his family, but I think they knew he’d done something. Probably because he tried to put his arm around me and I shrugged it off. I couldn’t help it. I don’t know. Maybe those things should have been the clue that he wasn’t the one. Maybe I should have been the one to end it way back then.

Friendness

All the stuff has been swapped, thanks to LL and her willingness to drive me to get my chair in her big car. Which I totally appreciate. Although I did realize today that he still has my framed print of Monet’s Water Lillies. Totally not worth the effort to get it back, although I appreciate the effort my family put into it to get it to me. At first, I felt peaceful. Done. It was nice. All free and stuff. But yesterday I started edging back towards sad and then last night I dreamt about him. Stupid dreams. And so today I was totally sad and missing him.

I have been meaning to write, though, how this has all made me realize what great people I have surrounded myself with. I mean, the support and the loveliness… The immediate reaction of “what the hell did he do, and clearly you are too good for him.” I’d been having a whole “I don’t have any real friends” crisis not too long ago (It sucks how drama from college still effects me). And I still don’t have a best friend out here, but I have a lot of really cool people all around me in all locations. People who text or email or call or invite me places and make sure that I’m doing okay. It’s really meant a lot.
\

Absenteeism

He wasn’t there. That’s right. He could not even manage to be at the house when I went to pick up my stuff. Oh, he insured that his roommate was there and could let me in. Or actually, he insured that if his roommate wasn’t there, they’d at least leave a key. But no. He “had to work late.” Which I might believe except that he was in charge of picking the day and time, and he usually knows a couple of days before when he is likely to have to work late. And he had everything all nicely stacked up in an obvious place, but not necessarily the easiest for loading, meaning he had to plan ahead enough to know that there was a decent chance he wasn’t going to be there. He did email me to let me know he “might not make it home in time,” but I didn’t get that email until after I’d already gone. It was not pleasant. Kind of like being punched in the stomach. Plus I couldn’t get one of my chairs in my car (I swear, my car fits a lot, but somehow the doors never quite open wide enough for anything mildly awkward), so I’m going to go by tonight with a friend with a bigger car and get it. I just told him to leave it on the porch, so there will be no real awkwardness and he can continue avoiding me as much as he wants. Which is mildly entertaining since HE was the one who wanted to stay friends and HE is the one who is pretty much killing any chance of that ever happening.

It has helped me to start feeling closure, though. Not as much maybe as if I’d actually seen him and seen how seeing him made me feel, but at the very least it has reminded me of all the times he put his job ahead of me. And I get that his job is important. But when he could never freaking tell them, “No, I’m sorry, I can’t do that at this time because I have other commitments,” it got old. It got old fast. Like when he couldn’t take me to the doctor’s office because he had to go to a meeting on his day off which he told me like the day before and I had to completely rearrange my plans to figure out how to get there. Or how when I did ask him to do something that was insanely important to me and so not optional and his response was, “I don’t know if I can miss work then.” Never mind that he managed to miss work for other people, like family or friends. Or how we could never make any kind of real plans, because “what if.” It made me feel pretty crappy and unimportant, and I couldn’t help but wonder if we did get married and have kids whether or not he would ever be there for them. I mean, who wants to have to see their kids’ faces fall when yet again Daddy can’t be there for their performance or game or whatnot because he has to work late AS ALWAYS?

Declaring against declarations

Well, I go see him tonight. For the first time. I’m a little freaked out. Or a lot. It’s just to get my stuff and he’s being properly abashed about the fact that it has taken so long, but still. What am I going to feel? Am I going to hate him? Love him? Want to hit him with my car? I guess I’ll find out shortly…

I’ve also decided that I probably shouldn’t declare things. No more statements like “I don’t think x will happen to me,” or “I probably won’t do y.” (At least I hedge them, though. I’d make a good lawyer…) But the whole anger thing? I was all, “there is no reason to be angry,” which is still pretty true. Except that there doesn’t NEED to be a reason, which I didn’t know. It doesn’t matter why he broke up with me; it just matters that. he. did. And that pisses me off. He hurt me and that’s not cool. And I know all the logical reasons, I have all those thoughts running through my head, too, things like I wasn’t really happy these past several months, I was tired of trying, too, I had doubts that I never let myself think about or take seriously… But I don’t care about that stuff. If I have to lash out at him and hate him for a while, so be it. Though hating someone while loving them is very confusing. And exhausting.

And I have to go home and totally make sure that I look hot. MUST. WIN.