So even though I've moved on. Even though I've taken what I learned and made a list of my new ideal (it's a good list. I'll talk about it later), I'm still kind of pissed. I made the mistake tonight of having a martini, which eventually led me to look at his FB page. He's added a picture of him looking all happy. Dumbass. I shouldn't be upset. All of my pictures on FB are of me happy. And several are of me with other guys. Of course, he's going to put up a picture of him being happy, but it reminds me that he is having a life without me. Of course I'm having a life without him. I do wish I had the hotter pictures of me. Sadly, most of them are in my friends' hands. I just hope that he knows I have nothing but disdain for him and his actions, especially since we broke up.
I have taken stuff from that relationship to realize what I really want from a relationship. Some of it, he provided. I loved the way he cared for me, kissed my forehead, tried to incorporate my dreams into our supposed future. Despite my anger about how things wound up, I do recognize that he did provide a lot of what I needed. But he always claimed that he couldn't be as exciting as what I wanted. I think he may have been right. Not in the way he meant. But he never wanted to do anything. It was a major effort to get him to leave either of our apartments. And God forbid I wanted to go to a party or out with my friends. He never wanted to do any of that. Or even things that we could do as a couple. I had to think of them all, and he was never enthusiastic about anything that took any energy. I want someone who is willing to go on a hike, or go out, or go to my friends' parties. It's not like I want to ALWAYS do that. But sometimes. So here is my list:
1. can make me laugh.
2. can help me take myself less seriously.
3. is willing to be social.
4. is willing to plan things to do.
5. will actually follow through on plans.
6. will help me to be more active than I would be normally.
See? It's not such a horrible list, although there may be a few more. (I'd like someone taller than I am, and someone who has a relatively strong faith.)
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
The End All Over Again
It has now been a little over a week since I officially earned my masters. I've been surprised by how exhausted I am. I mean, sleeping tons, having a hard time getting motivated to do anything... I do feel better about it all, though, since I talked to one of my friends last night and she said she went through that when she got her masters. Actually, she said it took her three months to start feeling totally normal. So a couple of exhausted weeks is probably not such a big deal.
The ceremony itself was... interesting. It was weird sitting in the room beforehand, knowing that a. I'll never be with all of those people in the same room again and b. I'll probably never see some of them again. Some of them I'm sad about, and some of them not so much. Which isn't to say that I disliked them, but that there are several that I'm kind of indifferent towards. But still strange. The ceremony itself... dear God, it was hot. Every time the sun came out, I about died. And of course, I didn't want to have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the ceremony, so I hadn't had much water and by the end was rather headachey.
It was lovely to have my immediate family here. There was some back and forth about the travel plans, which always throws my mom a little off and made her worried and naggy. I felt kind of bad, because by Saturday night I was a little snappy and snapped at my dad, when really it was my mom who had worn me down. "Are you sure we should do this, are you sure we shouldn't do this, what about this, why haven't you fixed this, you know you could do something about this..." I know that she likes to have everything planned out and that she doesn't know the area and therefore has to just have to trust me. I also realized over the course of the weekend that I react much better to requests phrased some ways over others.
Then my mom and dad and I went over to West Virginia. It was pretty much exactly what I needed. Slow, relaxed. I spent hours in the hot tub, reading and thinking and processing. I think it helped me to finally get to the point of acceptance with the whole break-up. I mean, I still think about it, but... I'm over it. I LOVED seeing all the stars. You can never really see the stars here. There... so many. It was gorgeous. We didn't have cell phone coverage, though, which kind of bothered me. with everything around my future all in the air, I don't like to be out of contact. Not that it made any difference. Though one of my friends is really pushing for her job to hire me. We'll see. It'd be great, though.
The ceremony itself was... interesting. It was weird sitting in the room beforehand, knowing that a. I'll never be with all of those people in the same room again and b. I'll probably never see some of them again. Some of them I'm sad about, and some of them not so much. Which isn't to say that I disliked them, but that there are several that I'm kind of indifferent towards. But still strange. The ceremony itself... dear God, it was hot. Every time the sun came out, I about died. And of course, I didn't want to have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the ceremony, so I hadn't had much water and by the end was rather headachey.
It was lovely to have my immediate family here. There was some back and forth about the travel plans, which always throws my mom a little off and made her worried and naggy. I felt kind of bad, because by Saturday night I was a little snappy and snapped at my dad, when really it was my mom who had worn me down. "Are you sure we should do this, are you sure we shouldn't do this, what about this, why haven't you fixed this, you know you could do something about this..." I know that she likes to have everything planned out and that she doesn't know the area and therefore has to just have to trust me. I also realized over the course of the weekend that I react much better to requests phrased some ways over others.
Then my mom and dad and I went over to West Virginia. It was pretty much exactly what I needed. Slow, relaxed. I spent hours in the hot tub, reading and thinking and processing. I think it helped me to finally get to the point of acceptance with the whole break-up. I mean, I still think about it, but... I'm over it. I LOVED seeing all the stars. You can never really see the stars here. There... so many. It was gorgeous. We didn't have cell phone coverage, though, which kind of bothered me. with everything around my future all in the air, I don't like to be out of contact. Not that it made any difference. Though one of my friends is really pushing for her job to hire me. We'll see. It'd be great, though.
Thursday, May 07, 2009
The Madness Begins/Ends/Goes Round and Round in a Circle
Well, the madness that has been my life is... quasi-over. That's right. I turned in my thesis to the grad school last week, and my last final paper (EVER!!!) yesterday. I did loose math and figured that I wrote approximately 150 pages this semester. I do wish my final papers had been a bit better, but I just couldn't stand to care or spend more time thinking about them. Now I'm on to graduation! I don't know that it has entirely sunk in. I dreamt last night that the head of my program returned it to me with a bunch of changes that had to be made and approved by midnight, and it was 7ish, and everyone else's was fine. Needless to say, I was a bit frantic.
I blame the new madness in my life, which is what I was thinking about last night before I went to bed. The new madness is basically finding a job. I've interviewed a couple of times, but the problem is once you get to the interview, you're STILL competing against a dozen or more people. I'm starting to get a bit panicked. I mean, I don't really have a large amount of savings to carry me through finding a job, particularly if I have no real source of income. The current back-up plan is to temp or work at B&N again. Which reminds me, I should go put in applications for those soon. But neither of those are going to provide a huge amount of money, and I'm working my connections as best I can and not getting anywhere. The two interviews I've had haven't come from contacts, but from random job applications (ones where you can just hit a little button to apply).
Plus I'm heartily tired of being single. I know, it's only been 8 months, but I LIKE being in a couple. I do. I just haven't really met anyone else that I want to be in a couple with...
I blame the new madness in my life, which is what I was thinking about last night before I went to bed. The new madness is basically finding a job. I've interviewed a couple of times, but the problem is once you get to the interview, you're STILL competing against a dozen or more people. I'm starting to get a bit panicked. I mean, I don't really have a large amount of savings to carry me through finding a job, particularly if I have no real source of income. The current back-up plan is to temp or work at B&N again. Which reminds me, I should go put in applications for those soon. But neither of those are going to provide a huge amount of money, and I'm working my connections as best I can and not getting anywhere. The two interviews I've had haven't come from contacts, but from random job applications (ones where you can just hit a little button to apply).
Plus I'm heartily tired of being single. I know, it's only been 8 months, but I LIKE being in a couple. I do. I just haven't really met anyone else that I want to be in a couple with...
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Eventually
I’ve been feeling strange. Not weird; I’m always that. (Why do I so enjoy alternate interpretations of simple statements?) But not myself. Exhausted, for one, which isn’t surprising given everything that’s going on and the fact that I came down with a cold this past weekend. (I TOLD my classmates that I was going to keep getting sick until I got my thesis done. Thank God the migraines seem to have relatively vanished, though.)
But mainly I just can’t bring myself to care. Or when I do care, to connect. Last night I was pondering if my inability to connect is a part of why I love the RRers so much: awesome people online, minimal effort. I get the human connection I need, lots and lots of support, and no awkward silences. But that also makes me a little sad. I mean, there are people I genuinely like in real life, but I just cannot seem to connect with them, even people I have with in the past. It just seems like I can’t get myself to have the energy, if that makes any sense.
I really think it’s stress, especially since I’ve started heading more into a funk. On the one hand, I always have my very practical, relatively upbeat voice in my head telling me that I’ll find a job, that I’ll find someone new to date, that I’ll find a new roommate… It’ll all work out and I have so much more support than a lot of people do. (Of course, I don’t have any Wollmeise to sell, which could totally put me over the top…) But a part of me is convinced that there shall be no job, there shall be no significant other. That I will watch my savings bleed away as I continue to find no roommate. That I should just give up, and go buy one of the horrible snuggly blankets.
All this led to an absolutely over-the-top reaction to the end of The House of Mirth. Plus I missed the explosion on the water today.
But mainly I just can’t bring myself to care. Or when I do care, to connect. Last night I was pondering if my inability to connect is a part of why I love the RRers so much: awesome people online, minimal effort. I get the human connection I need, lots and lots of support, and no awkward silences. But that also makes me a little sad. I mean, there are people I genuinely like in real life, but I just cannot seem to connect with them, even people I have with in the past. It just seems like I can’t get myself to have the energy, if that makes any sense.
I really think it’s stress, especially since I’ve started heading more into a funk. On the one hand, I always have my very practical, relatively upbeat voice in my head telling me that I’ll find a job, that I’ll find someone new to date, that I’ll find a new roommate… It’ll all work out and I have so much more support than a lot of people do. (Of course, I don’t have any Wollmeise to sell, which could totally put me over the top…) But a part of me is convinced that there shall be no job, there shall be no significant other. That I will watch my savings bleed away as I continue to find no roommate. That I should just give up, and go buy one of the horrible snuggly blankets.
All this led to an absolutely over-the-top reaction to the end of The House of Mirth. Plus I missed the explosion on the water today.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Jobness. Or lack there of.
Well, I promised some rubberhoars that I would post, so here I am, posting. At 2:30am. I have no good reason for posting so late, but I am. Luckily I don’t work tomorrow! Yay for part-time employment…
Which brings me to the meat of this post. I’m being let go. Oh, they are trying to sugarcoat it. All “we love you and we’d love to keep you, but we know you won’t stay for very long…” But let’s face it. The real message is “we want to change your position, so please leave.” I’m not saying they don’t love me and they wouldn’t try and keep me if I were going to stay around longer. I mean, clearly I wasn’t going to stay at a part-time position where I get rave reviews only working 20 hours a week and spending at least half of that time putzing around. (This is not to say I wouldn’t work if I had the work to do. I would LOVE to be busy. I like being busy. Having more to do makes me more productive, and I like being productive.) But they had told me that this job was mine as long as I needed it, something I saw as a lovely back-up. A nice cushion. And now… I mean, it is getting a much-needed fire under my ass. After my supervisor told me, I spent the rest of the afternoon emailing contacts. Who, I might add, all also told me that anyone would be lucky to have me. Which is a bit annoying. I mean, clearly I love that my former supervisors and coworkers love me and think a lot of me (except for horrible boss and previous ED who had no idea was she was doing), but why then is it so hard to find work? Why can’t I get anyone to interview me? I think if I could just get the interview, I could convince them. Especially with my total dream job of assistant editor of knitting. Seriously. I would push people out of the way for that job. But I applied a couple of weeks ago and despite being insanely well-qualified, I haven’t heard word one. (I did reemail them yesterday; the job is still posted, so I figured reminding them about me and showing that I’m legitimately interested and not just applying to a million positions might help.) Hopefully, though, the fact that I have more contacts this time than I did last time will help me out. Seriously, people… I’m willing to move and everything!!!!
I don’t know. I think what really bothers me about this whole being let go thing is not the being let go part. It’s how they are handling it. I mean, don’t try and pretend like I have a say in this. Don’t tell me that we need to sit down and work out a date for me to leave, when you CLEARLY have one that you want me gone by. I will respect you more for just saying it. Also, you probably shouldn’t have told me that I can stay as long as I want; if you hadn’t, I wouldn’t have started considering keeping this job as a fall-back.
Which brings me to the meat of this post. I’m being let go. Oh, they are trying to sugarcoat it. All “we love you and we’d love to keep you, but we know you won’t stay for very long…” But let’s face it. The real message is “we want to change your position, so please leave.” I’m not saying they don’t love me and they wouldn’t try and keep me if I were going to stay around longer. I mean, clearly I wasn’t going to stay at a part-time position where I get rave reviews only working 20 hours a week and spending at least half of that time putzing around. (This is not to say I wouldn’t work if I had the work to do. I would LOVE to be busy. I like being busy. Having more to do makes me more productive, and I like being productive.) But they had told me that this job was mine as long as I needed it, something I saw as a lovely back-up. A nice cushion. And now… I mean, it is getting a much-needed fire under my ass. After my supervisor told me, I spent the rest of the afternoon emailing contacts. Who, I might add, all also told me that anyone would be lucky to have me. Which is a bit annoying. I mean, clearly I love that my former supervisors and coworkers love me and think a lot of me (except for horrible boss and previous ED who had no idea was she was doing), but why then is it so hard to find work? Why can’t I get anyone to interview me? I think if I could just get the interview, I could convince them. Especially with my total dream job of assistant editor of knitting. Seriously. I would push people out of the way for that job. But I applied a couple of weeks ago and despite being insanely well-qualified, I haven’t heard word one. (I did reemail them yesterday; the job is still posted, so I figured reminding them about me and showing that I’m legitimately interested and not just applying to a million positions might help.) Hopefully, though, the fact that I have more contacts this time than I did last time will help me out. Seriously, people… I’m willing to move and everything!!!!
I don’t know. I think what really bothers me about this whole being let go thing is not the being let go part. It’s how they are handling it. I mean, don’t try and pretend like I have a say in this. Don’t tell me that we need to sit down and work out a date for me to leave, when you CLEARLY have one that you want me gone by. I will respect you more for just saying it. Also, you probably shouldn’t have told me that I can stay as long as I want; if you hadn’t, I wouldn’t have started considering keeping this job as a fall-back.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Running from the chapel
Dear Friends:
I love you all. I always want to share the joyful events in your life, and I never want any friend to hesitate to tell me something that makes them happy.
Sincerely,
Me
That said, this week has been really... emotional for me. Because while I am genuinely happy for my friends (one newly engaged and one newly married), these events make a part of me sad. Because I want what they have. It reminds me of everything I've gone through over the past six months (interestingly, it was exactly six months this weekend, on the day of my friend's wedding). I was supposed to be over being sad by now, but I'm not. I think I need a rebound or something. Plus I didn't get my fellowship, and I haven't heard anything from the awesome job I was totally excited about and applied for. Which all totally bums me out.
Plus this weekend was strange. I hadn't seen the bride in four years (I kept saying three, but later did the math and I was off). There's still an abiding affection between us, and a fair amount of history, but the fact is we haven't really been a part of each other's lives for years. I don't actually know what her life is like, and she doesn't know much about mine. So there's this distance/closeness...
The people I hung out with at the wedding were lots of fun, though. I think it was actually better because we weren't hugely close in college. One girl was in my group and we hung out, but we never that close, and the other two we occasionally hung out together, but only because of hte bride. And we had a great time. Plus I got to meet Stanzi, the first of the rubberhoars I've met in real life.
I love you all. I always want to share the joyful events in your life, and I never want any friend to hesitate to tell me something that makes them happy.
Sincerely,
Me
That said, this week has been really... emotional for me. Because while I am genuinely happy for my friends (one newly engaged and one newly married), these events make a part of me sad. Because I want what they have. It reminds me of everything I've gone through over the past six months (interestingly, it was exactly six months this weekend, on the day of my friend's wedding). I was supposed to be over being sad by now, but I'm not. I think I need a rebound or something. Plus I didn't get my fellowship, and I haven't heard anything from the awesome job I was totally excited about and applied for. Which all totally bums me out.
Plus this weekend was strange. I hadn't seen the bride in four years (I kept saying three, but later did the math and I was off). There's still an abiding affection between us, and a fair amount of history, but the fact is we haven't really been a part of each other's lives for years. I don't actually know what her life is like, and she doesn't know much about mine. So there's this distance/closeness...
The people I hung out with at the wedding were lots of fun, though. I think it was actually better because we weren't hugely close in college. One girl was in my group and we hung out, but we never that close, and the other two we occasionally hung out together, but only because of hte bride. And we had a great time. Plus I got to meet Stanzi, the first of the rubberhoars I've met in real life.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Non-exciting orals.
So now that all my fellow rubberhoars are following, I really HAVE to update. Thanks a lot, guys... :-)
My orals... are done. I think I actually read too much. They were pretty impressed with the extent of the things I knew, though I could have spent more time analyzing the literature through the lens of the theory I read. But I got what I wanted, so I'm good. But now I have to work on my thesis and I'm not sure who is actually my main advisor for my thesis.
I am very glad they're done. The stress was getting to me. I was feeling sad about SB who is now to be now as AH. All missing him and whatnot. But now that I've relaxed, things are a bit better...
My orals... are done. I think I actually read too much. They were pretty impressed with the extent of the things I knew, though I could have spent more time analyzing the literature through the lens of the theory I read. But I got what I wanted, so I'm good. But now I have to work on my thesis and I'm not sure who is actually my main advisor for my thesis.
I am very glad they're done. The stress was getting to me. I was feeling sad about SB who is now to be now as AH. All missing him and whatnot. But now that I've relaxed, things are a bit better...
Sunday, February 08, 2009
Panic: AKA OMG, MY EXAM IS IN TWO DAYS!!!
I'm supposed to be working on my orals. I keep freaking out about them, which is very bad since I keep giving myself migraines. And since I'm stressed out about time, the migraines make me more stressed since I can't really work with them. I am amused by the fact that most people's responses to my freaking-outness are along the lines of "you like to talk. You always have something to say. You'll do fabulously." Which in some ways is true. I do like to talk, I do like class discussions. But it's the having to say something and say something witty and intelligent and well-researched that's putting some pressure on me. What if I haven't read enough? What if I forget everything I read? What if I stop breathing or get hit by a car or get a migraine or lose my voice or... (See, this is me. This is me over-worrying.) I've thought about my subject and how it relates to my books A LOT. I know the area. My advisors don't. It should be fine. It's going to be fine. I just need to not freak out.
I did buy stickers today. I'm going to put them on my notes to make me smile during my exam. They are shamrocks. My topic is Ireland. I also very briefly entertained the thought of buying a funny "Irish" hat to wear. Which would be SO unprofessional, but would be entirely entertaining.
I did buy stickers today. I'm going to put them on my notes to make me smile during my exam. They are shamrocks. My topic is Ireland. I also very briefly entertained the thought of buying a funny "Irish" hat to wear. Which would be SO unprofessional, but would be entirely entertaining.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
As the World... Tilts.
I'm sick. Sick, sick, sick. It's been a long time since I've been this sick, since I've been barely able to crawl out of bed, since getting online is too much effort, and walking to class (I had to go; it was the first week) wore me out and almost made me pass out. Cassie has loved it, though. All the sleeping and me being around. I thought I was doing better. I even went to a party last night, one that I had been looking forward to for a while. It was the English department Inauguration Gala. I had fun. But then I woke up this morning and have been dizzy ever since. I even had a moment where I sat up in bed and then the world flipped and I fell over. Not really fell over, since I was only sitting up and in bed and I only fell over onto the bed, but it was still one of the stranger moments in my life/illness. Oh well. At least I'm not coughing my lungs out anymore. And I banned myself from driving while I feel like this.
But the sickness is making me sad and stressed and bored and emotional. I don't want to still be sad. He doesn't deserve for me to be sad. But I am, and I'm so scared and sure that I won't meet anyone new. Where am I going to meet someone? Not in my program, not at work... Everything else is mostly female-oriented. No one actually meets people at bars... And I'm tired of being whiny and needy and insecure. i just want to be well and happy. Mainly the well part. Especially since I've got stuff to do on Inauguration Tuesday.
But the sickness is making me sad and stressed and bored and emotional. I don't want to still be sad. He doesn't deserve for me to be sad. But I am, and I'm so scared and sure that I won't meet anyone new. Where am I going to meet someone? Not in my program, not at work... Everything else is mostly female-oriented. No one actually meets people at bars... And I'm tired of being whiny and needy and insecure. i just want to be well and happy. Mainly the well part. Especially since I've got stuff to do on Inauguration Tuesday.
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
A mixed bag
I've been feeling strange lately. Lots and lots of swinging from highs to lows for very little reason. I will go from being sure that at least 5 guys in a thirty-foot radius are looking at me to being sure that I won't ever find someone new and that I'm destined to be alone and no one is ever going to want to be with me. Plus I totally thought I beat this adorable girl at Whit's wedding, but I didn't and that made me sad.
I also thought I was over being angry. Sitting at my church at home over Christmas, I felt calm. Peaceful. Understanding. I still have residue of that. I did actually do something kind for him. If he gets my email with the necessary info. Which he probably won't, because he probably changed all his contact info to avoid having to ever deal with me again. But I'm not. I'm over being angry about stuff in the relationship. But I'm pissed at how he has treated me since. This silence? It's basically a "fuck you." Oh, I'm sure he has some sort of justification in his mind, but I don't care. I don't care if he's hurting or if he's scared. Grow a pair, put on your big boy pants, and deal with the world you've created. I'm just disgusted with how he's acted. Especially since I've been watching a ton of Gilmore Girls (yay for the entire series on DVD!!) and even Dean at 17 acted more mature.
Sigh. At least Christmas was relatively lovely. There was a travel debacle and I'm going to try to boycott Continental for their abominable treatment of my brother and sil, but it was mostly nice. Especially considering that I had absolutely no Christmas spirit this year. I mean, none. I've never felt so little. I mean the Christmas Eve service got to me (it always does), but... I have also had the realization that a. I don't care what people I went to high school think of me, and b. I'd rather not see any of them unless I'm trying and willing to see them. I did get to see Haley, who debates religion with me and with whom I will never agree on some of the points, but whom I still love. The debates might be fruitless, but it's okay because we still agree on major points (Christianity is based in love; hating people because you disagree with parts of their life is stupid) and because we're okay disagreeing. I don't leave there frustrated; I did leave exhausted, though. Debating until late at night is TIRING. I do think I'm going to love her next cd, though, especially since it's a break-up cd... I should demand she get in the studio ASAP.
I also thought I was over being angry. Sitting at my church at home over Christmas, I felt calm. Peaceful. Understanding. I still have residue of that. I did actually do something kind for him. If he gets my email with the necessary info. Which he probably won't, because he probably changed all his contact info to avoid having to ever deal with me again. But I'm not. I'm over being angry about stuff in the relationship. But I'm pissed at how he has treated me since. This silence? It's basically a "fuck you." Oh, I'm sure he has some sort of justification in his mind, but I don't care. I don't care if he's hurting or if he's scared. Grow a pair, put on your big boy pants, and deal with the world you've created. I'm just disgusted with how he's acted. Especially since I've been watching a ton of Gilmore Girls (yay for the entire series on DVD!!) and even Dean at 17 acted more mature.
Sigh. At least Christmas was relatively lovely. There was a travel debacle and I'm going to try to boycott Continental for their abominable treatment of my brother and sil, but it was mostly nice. Especially considering that I had absolutely no Christmas spirit this year. I mean, none. I've never felt so little. I mean the Christmas Eve service got to me (it always does), but... I have also had the realization that a. I don't care what people I went to high school think of me, and b. I'd rather not see any of them unless I'm trying and willing to see them. I did get to see Haley, who debates religion with me and with whom I will never agree on some of the points, but whom I still love. The debates might be fruitless, but it's okay because we still agree on major points (Christianity is based in love; hating people because you disagree with parts of their life is stupid) and because we're okay disagreeing. I don't leave there frustrated; I did leave exhausted, though. Debating until late at night is TIRING. I do think I'm going to love her next cd, though, especially since it's a break-up cd... I should demand she get in the studio ASAP.
Friday, December 12, 2008
We All Fall Down
SO I was going to post about how today was the day of success. Not only did I manage to finish my paper (final one for this semester! Whee!), I had what I thought was a brilliant moment at the end. I’m not sure, though. That was a couple of hours ago and now my brain is dead and I’m not sure of anything. Plus I’m getting my “I’m done with chaos and everything and now can get sick” sickness, so I really am pretty spacey.
I did manage to not text him last night. I wanted to, but I didn’t. It was going to be kind of mean. The word “liar” would have been used. But then I tried to come up with why I would want to text him this morning, and I don’t have any real reason. I’m not even looking to get a response any more. And why should I care if he knows or doesn’t know how I’m feeling? He clearly doesn’t care, so why bother. He knows he was lying, he knows I didn’t think we could be friends. If he wants to make amends, he can contact me and then we’ll hash it out. In which case, my response will probably be along the lines of why would I want to be friends with you after you treated me like you did?
I’m also feeling antsy and pissy and willing to dismiss anyone at the slightest provocation. Okay, that might be a BIT extreme, but I am awfully cranky. I think I’ll sit at home tonight, watch Christmas movies, and drink hot cider.
I did manage to not text him last night. I wanted to, but I didn’t. It was going to be kind of mean. The word “liar” would have been used. But then I tried to come up with why I would want to text him this morning, and I don’t have any real reason. I’m not even looking to get a response any more. And why should I care if he knows or doesn’t know how I’m feeling? He clearly doesn’t care, so why bother. He knows he was lying, he knows I didn’t think we could be friends. If he wants to make amends, he can contact me and then we’ll hash it out. In which case, my response will probably be along the lines of why would I want to be friends with you after you treated me like you did?
I’m also feeling antsy and pissy and willing to dismiss anyone at the slightest provocation. Okay, that might be a BIT extreme, but I am awfully cranky. I think I’ll sit at home tonight, watch Christmas movies, and drink hot cider.
Friday, December 05, 2008
Happy Non-Anniversary to Me
Today would have been six years. Last year, it snowed on our anniversary and I thought it was lovely and he thought it was annoying because it freaked out all the drivers. This year, I ran errands, bought myself some lovely pajama pants on sale and a DVD, and am working on a paper. All alone. I also freaked out yesterday because he apparently has gotten on Facebook. Which is kind of a dumb thing to freak out about, but I felt like Facebook was a safe online area, one where the only mentions of him would come if someone asked me something. That I would have the control over whether or not his name came up. And now… now I’ll have to watch myself. Of course, given his complete and utter ignoring of my existence, which still continues, he’ll probably avoid me much more completely than I’d ever try to avoid him (Ironic, since he was the one who argued for staying friends. I know I’ve said that before, but the irony remains). I can’t decide if it’s because he had long ago stopped really caring about me and now could care less about having the common courtesy of occasionally responding, or if he’s just in too much pain and contacting me would make it worse. I hope it’s the second for multiple reasons, one of which is that it’ll prove me right. I like being right. Though I still think the second one is selfish. Especially since he initiated the break-up.
I also have realized that it’s not in the first few weeks you have to worry about calling or contacting. I had no real problems refraining then. I was too wrapped up in pain and pride to want to contact him then. But now… Now I can hardly stop myself. It’s like picking at a scab or something. I had some eggnog and rum last night, and promptly sent three texts. I mean, it’s not like I text him all the time. At most once a week. Which actually would be less if I ever got a response. Since I don’t, it’s like throwing stuff out into thin air. Who cares? It has no impact, no consequences. And most of them are positive and negative simultaneously enough to be rather neutral.
In the other funness that is my life, my new(er. It’s about three years old) laptop’s charger has stopped working, meaning I had to pull out my old laptop. Which actually isn’t as annoying as it might be. I mean, this thing has it’s glitches and I can’t do a number of things since the operating system is Windows 98 (meaning iTunes won’t run and I can’t update Firefox), but it is much lighter than my new one and doesn’t get scalding hot. Plus I’ve written a good number of papers on here and am fairly used to the keyboard. And actually like it. It might be my favorite typing keyboard ever. (Which sounds weird, but I’m assuming you guys get it. Certain keyboards have sizing/pressure issues.)
I also have realized that it’s not in the first few weeks you have to worry about calling or contacting. I had no real problems refraining then. I was too wrapped up in pain and pride to want to contact him then. But now… Now I can hardly stop myself. It’s like picking at a scab or something. I had some eggnog and rum last night, and promptly sent three texts. I mean, it’s not like I text him all the time. At most once a week. Which actually would be less if I ever got a response. Since I don’t, it’s like throwing stuff out into thin air. Who cares? It has no impact, no consequences. And most of them are positive and negative simultaneously enough to be rather neutral.
In the other funness that is my life, my new(er. It’s about three years old) laptop’s charger has stopped working, meaning I had to pull out my old laptop. Which actually isn’t as annoying as it might be. I mean, this thing has it’s glitches and I can’t do a number of things since the operating system is Windows 98 (meaning iTunes won’t run and I can’t update Firefox), but it is much lighter than my new one and doesn’t get scalding hot. Plus I’ve written a good number of papers on here and am fairly used to the keyboard. And actually like it. It might be my favorite typing keyboard ever. (Which sounds weird, but I’m assuming you guys get it. Certain keyboards have sizing/pressure issues.)
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
Avoidance
Well, it's a good thing I wasn't counting on a reply, since there has been none. Whatever.
I'm also majorly avoiding my final papers right now. I just can't bring myself to concentrate. I'm supposed to be working on at least the thesis of them... Sigh. I'm beginning to regret that we never went on the search for our work ethics that we planned in college...
I'm also majorly avoiding my final papers right now. I just can't bring myself to concentrate. I'm supposed to be working on at least the thesis of them... Sigh. I'm beginning to regret that we never went on the search for our work ethics that we planned in college...
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Taco Dip of Holidays
This Thanksgiving was not quite the break from stress I was hoping for. In fact, it kind of wound up being a multi-layered emotional roller coaster. The top (and best) layer was getting to see my family, particularly my immediate family as they don't stress me out. We also had some extended family over. I love all my family, but some times they can wear me out. Plus my dad hadn't told the extendeds about me and SB, so within ten minutes of them getting here, I was face-to-face with the whole awkwardness of the situation. (My dad did have cute and understandable reasons for not telling them, but it made things harder these past couple of days.) And one of my aunts is not known for tact, so I got to listen to her talking about the whole thing all over again when my other aunt called on Thanksgiving and while I stared stone-faced at my knitting and pretended I didn't hear.
The next layer would be shear panic and annoyance about the next couple of weeks and school. Thanksgiving had to come at the worst time this year, and as soon as I get back, I shall have to fling myself madly into work for the next 10-12 days.
I also have decided that there are certain friends of mine that I am tired of making all the effort for. I'm not saying that I expect crazy nice things out of them, but seriously? An email every once in a while, a phone call, a coffee date? Is that too much to organize? It'd be one thing if they just didn't do that. It's when I see them making the effort with other people that I get annoyed. I don't have the mental energy to worry about this stuff. (And if you're reading this blog, I'm not talking about you.)
It doesn't help that all the stress plus the holidays plus the fact our anniversary would have been next week have made me very nostalgic and sad. I did even email him. It wasn't a fluff email (it did have some "I miss you," but it also had some "here's why I'm angry). I just wrote it as a catharsis, but then I decided to send it. I'm not expecting any real response, but it made me feel better. I was tired of having those conversations in my head. I mean, a part of me is hoping for a response, a reconnection, possibly a new beginning. Let's not kid ourselves, here. But mostly, I just wanted it out there.
The next layer would be shear panic and annoyance about the next couple of weeks and school. Thanksgiving had to come at the worst time this year, and as soon as I get back, I shall have to fling myself madly into work for the next 10-12 days.
I also have decided that there are certain friends of mine that I am tired of making all the effort for. I'm not saying that I expect crazy nice things out of them, but seriously? An email every once in a while, a phone call, a coffee date? Is that too much to organize? It'd be one thing if they just didn't do that. It's when I see them making the effort with other people that I get annoyed. I don't have the mental energy to worry about this stuff. (And if you're reading this blog, I'm not talking about you.)
It doesn't help that all the stress plus the holidays plus the fact our anniversary would have been next week have made me very nostalgic and sad. I did even email him. It wasn't a fluff email (it did have some "I miss you," but it also had some "here's why I'm angry). I just wrote it as a catharsis, but then I decided to send it. I'm not expecting any real response, but it made me feel better. I was tired of having those conversations in my head. I mean, a part of me is hoping for a response, a reconnection, possibly a new beginning. Let's not kid ourselves, here. But mostly, I just wanted it out there.
Monday, November 17, 2008
67 plus 1
As of yesterday, it has been 67 days, the number I thought would be magic (okay, not really. I did recognize that basing my hopes for survival and healing on an episode of “How I Met Your Mother” was not really practical.). And here I am, with freshly dyed and awesome hair, and I’m still sad. I still miss him. And I’m still angry. I’m tired of being angry, although I do think back fondly on the myself of two months ago who was afraid I wouldn’t get angry (the book I bought says you need to work through your anger in order to feel passion again). Both tend to hit me in strong waves, and I just want to forgive, forget and move on. Even more than feeling angry or sad or whatever, I’m tired of thinking of him. Wondering if he’s thinking of me, if he regrets anything. Wondering how long it’ll take the full regret to hit him, if he’ll ever contact me or if the night he broke up with me was the last time I’ll see him. I’m hoping this last wave, which has been stronger than those in the past, is the last one, the last “I’m ridding myself of him and therefore must mourn and process things once more” thing, rather than a “I’m stressed and sick and tired and worn out and thinking of all the things that I’ve got to do, therefore I miss my previous support system” thing.
I have decided that I’m probably not going to meet people in bars, and therefore need to rethink that aspect of going out. Saturday night was one of my friends’ birthdays (or at least her party), and one of her friends and I wandered around a bar, looking for someone I might be interested in (btw, her friends are AWESOME). And I found no one. Which in large part could be because the guys you meet in bars, especially bars in Adams Morgan, are not the kinds of guys I’m going to be attracted to. I do think another part of it, though, is that I’ve realized that I’m terrified of getting hurt. I know, I was all, “I’m ready to date again…” which isn’t entirely not true. I mean, how do you get over your fears except by facing them? But the thought of going through all of this again? Nearly gives me a panic attack.
I have decided that I’m probably not going to meet people in bars, and therefore need to rethink that aspect of going out. Saturday night was one of my friends’ birthdays (or at least her party), and one of her friends and I wandered around a bar, looking for someone I might be interested in (btw, her friends are AWESOME). And I found no one. Which in large part could be because the guys you meet in bars, especially bars in Adams Morgan, are not the kinds of guys I’m going to be attracted to. I do think another part of it, though, is that I’ve realized that I’m terrified of getting hurt. I know, I was all, “I’m ready to date again…” which isn’t entirely not true. I mean, how do you get over your fears except by facing them? But the thought of going through all of this again? Nearly gives me a panic attack.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
A not so brief summary
There have been about 214456987 things to blog about in the last week, but… well, I fail. First I was going to write about seeing Haley and her dad, which was awesome. I love Haley. Seeing her always reminds me that no matter how much we might disagree on issues (she’s conservative, I’m liberal), being open-minded and respectful makes all the difference. Every time, I walk away thinking how much I love her, and how much fun it is to see her, no matter what we wind up talking about. Plus, as I believe I’ve mentioned, we’re going through similar situations right now, so the support is nice. Her dad, too, is great. I was entertained by the fact that he was mildly surprised at my parents’ reaction to the break-up, which was more “We’re sad, we liked him,” than “How could he do this to our daughter?!?!?!” (the latter being what he felt was the correct response). His new cd, though? Is going to rock. I’m super-excited about it. And Haley’s going back into the studio, hopefully soon, and that’s going to be great, too.
Then I was going to write about my first date, which was okay. The guy was really nice, but there wasn’t a huge connection. Then I was going to write about knitting group drama, but then I decided I didn’t care enough and that it wasn’t worth the mental energy, what with all the things going on in my life.
Like, for example, the stress of having a prospectus due in a couple of weeks. This is basically my proposal for my oral exams, and I need both advisors to sign off on it and the reading list. It’s due the week after Thanksgiving, which means I have to have them sign it before I leave for Thanksgiving… Plus there is all the final paper stuff and I at one point dreamt that I was suffocating in a sandstorm while in a class (seriously? Mind, can you be a little less literal???). So me=STRESSED. Although I am starting to narrow down my topic, which is helpful. I also had a funny dream about Emily, where her fiancé was going to Tartuga so I wanted him to bring me back Johnny Depp.
I also dreamt about him. Twice about us getting back together, the first where I was so not enthused and the second where I was more hopeful and excited. Plus this weekend was the Dar concert we usually went to every year. That and the stress and the time of year and everything… I’ve regressed back to really missing him. A part of me is convinced he is coming back, but let’s face it. It’s unlikely. CW texted him on Saturday night (we’d gone out, had a few rum and cokes, and were feeling a little mean. Or I was, and she was willing to go along with it), and was surprised to get no response. I of course was not. He never responded to texts. And right now, I’m sure he thinks no response at all is taking the high road. Whatever. I recognize that he has a lot of growing up to do. I think a lot of my problems with the relationship revolved around issues of immaturity. But right now, I don’t care. Except for when I’m feeling angry. Because I’m still in that stage, too…
Then I was going to write about my first date, which was okay. The guy was really nice, but there wasn’t a huge connection. Then I was going to write about knitting group drama, but then I decided I didn’t care enough and that it wasn’t worth the mental energy, what with all the things going on in my life.
Like, for example, the stress of having a prospectus due in a couple of weeks. This is basically my proposal for my oral exams, and I need both advisors to sign off on it and the reading list. It’s due the week after Thanksgiving, which means I have to have them sign it before I leave for Thanksgiving… Plus there is all the final paper stuff and I at one point dreamt that I was suffocating in a sandstorm while in a class (seriously? Mind, can you be a little less literal???). So me=STRESSED. Although I am starting to narrow down my topic, which is helpful. I also had a funny dream about Emily, where her fiancé was going to Tartuga so I wanted him to bring me back Johnny Depp.
I also dreamt about him. Twice about us getting back together, the first where I was so not enthused and the second where I was more hopeful and excited. Plus this weekend was the Dar concert we usually went to every year. That and the stress and the time of year and everything… I’ve regressed back to really missing him. A part of me is convinced he is coming back, but let’s face it. It’s unlikely. CW texted him on Saturday night (we’d gone out, had a few rum and cokes, and were feeling a little mean. Or I was, and she was willing to go along with it), and was surprised to get no response. I of course was not. He never responded to texts. And right now, I’m sure he thinks no response at all is taking the high road. Whatever. I recognize that he has a lot of growing up to do. I think a lot of my problems with the relationship revolved around issues of immaturity. But right now, I don’t care. Except for when I’m feeling angry. Because I’m still in that stage, too…
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Lessons Learned, and I Don't Have to Move
I learned many a thing last night, the first and foremost being that it is freaking awesome to be on the winning side of a major election. Not only on the winning side, but in a toss-up state where your vote actually counts. I win! I also love how many people in other countries celebrated and congratulated and basically are saying, “Yay, Americans AREN’T morons…” Gives one a lovely glowing feeling.
I went with some of the other grad students to bar to watch the results come in. It was a good time. Lots of cheering and chatting and whatnot. They had both McCain and Obama shots there. I met some of the first years and hung out with a few more that I’ve met but never really see. HOWEVER. It was the location of yet another lesson. Do not joke more than once with a gay guy about him bringing you men back to the table. He just might do it. And it was thoroughly awkward. I mean, I think I might be ready to start dating again (I keep trying to figure out how I feel. It’s like when you have a bruise and you poke it to see if it still hurts), but not like that. I’m pretty picky and just because I might say someone is cute doesn’t mean I’m actually attracted to them in any kind of real way. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, but I just wasn’t interested. It didn’t help that whenever he was like “I don’t think she’s interested,” aforementioned gay guy was all like, “No, she totally said you were cute!” I could have smacked him. Sigh.
But still. Much happiness. And I’m dying my hair next week. That’s right, I took the plunge and made an appointment.
I went with some of the other grad students to bar to watch the results come in. It was a good time. Lots of cheering and chatting and whatnot. They had both McCain and Obama shots there. I met some of the first years and hung out with a few more that I’ve met but never really see. HOWEVER. It was the location of yet another lesson. Do not joke more than once with a gay guy about him bringing you men back to the table. He just might do it. And it was thoroughly awkward. I mean, I think I might be ready to start dating again (I keep trying to figure out how I feel. It’s like when you have a bruise and you poke it to see if it still hurts), but not like that. I’m pretty picky and just because I might say someone is cute doesn’t mean I’m actually attracted to them in any kind of real way. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, but I just wasn’t interested. It didn’t help that whenever he was like “I don’t think she’s interested,” aforementioned gay guy was all like, “No, she totally said you were cute!” I could have smacked him. Sigh.
But still. Much happiness. And I’m dying my hair next week. That’s right, I took the plunge and made an appointment.
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
Holding my breath
It’s election day, and I’m actually pretty excited. I wasn’t, but then I walked to work and saw the teenagers out with their “Yay, Obama” and “Vote” (with the “o” being Obama’s logo), and it all of a sudden hit me. If we don’t win today… God help us all. And I’m moving. Well, as soon as I get my degree.
This is only my second time voting in a presidential election (I was a mere 17 in the infamous 2000 episode), and once again, I voted early. And I’m glad I did. It only took me 20 minutes, I got my sticker, and I got out of there. But there is a strange energy everywhere. It might just be because of my location, but everyone is paying attention. Riveted to the television and internet and antsy to find out the results. And I doubt that it’s just DC; after all, there are insane lines all over the country. For this one moment in time, people everywhere seem to have realized: “THIS IS IMPORTANT.” The rest of the world will judge us for our decision, the rest of the world will be impacted by our decision, therefore the rest of the world is watching with bated breath as well. The news is reporting record early voting, so record it seems as though the early voting this year might outstrip regular voting percentiles from 2004.
It kind of feels like Christmas. But a Christmas where you get a decent economy, improved international relations, and reformation of several social problems (hopefully) if you’re good, and hatred and depression if you’re bad.
This is only my second time voting in a presidential election (I was a mere 17 in the infamous 2000 episode), and once again, I voted early. And I’m glad I did. It only took me 20 minutes, I got my sticker, and I got out of there. But there is a strange energy everywhere. It might just be because of my location, but everyone is paying attention. Riveted to the television and internet and antsy to find out the results. And I doubt that it’s just DC; after all, there are insane lines all over the country. For this one moment in time, people everywhere seem to have realized: “THIS IS IMPORTANT.” The rest of the world will judge us for our decision, the rest of the world will be impacted by our decision, therefore the rest of the world is watching with bated breath as well. The news is reporting record early voting, so record it seems as though the early voting this year might outstrip regular voting percentiles from 2004.
It kind of feels like Christmas. But a Christmas where you get a decent economy, improved international relations, and reformation of several social problems (hopefully) if you’re good, and hatred and depression if you’re bad.
Saturday, November 01, 2008
Not-so-Happy Halloween
Well, my Halloween was a complete and utter bust. Not because I didn't have plans. I had TWO things (at least) that I could have gone to, and I was totally going to do one. I even had a funny costume idea: I was going to be Russia to my friend's Sarah Palin. The theme: ensuring that everyone had enough foreign experience to be VP. But Thursday night I was exhausted and starting to get a headache. I thought, "It's just a headache, plus I didn't sleep well last night... I'll be fine tomorrow." Friday morning, I woke up still with a headache, but I figured it'd go away. It did not. In fact, it got worse. Not only did it get worse, it was joined my nausea. I hadn't thrown up in a long time for reasons beyond my control. I now remember how much I hate it. It was AWFUL. I'd get up only long enough to throw up, and then collapse back in pain, covering my eyes so the flickering from the tv didn't bother me and then dozing while listening to whatever was on. So, needless to say, I missed my party. Not only did I miss my party, but I actually have lots of work to do, so even though today I again was exhausted, I drug myself out and am now sitting at a cafe so I can download one of the movies I'm supposed to watch for class on Thursday. It's taking forever, and the other movie we have to watch I can only either watch streaming (which given my internet status at my apartment=going somewhere else to watch it) or go to Blockbuster and rent it, which I don't want to do.
Plus the fever has given me strange dreams, leading to me dreaming (of course) about him, in a weird situation where we were trying to be friends but not really and I couldn't really figure out what was going on and how to act. There was also an incident with showers and bathrooms and someone stealing my shower curtain and replacing it with cardboard... And then my family was there and we were doing stuff in DC. It was all... well, weird, and the main thing I remember was that seeing him and then having him vanish made me feel really lonely. Which of course makes sense, since I am kind of lonely, given that he was my best friend and I spent hours every week with him, and now I spend all that time by myself.
Plus the fever has given me strange dreams, leading to me dreaming (of course) about him, in a weird situation where we were trying to be friends but not really and I couldn't really figure out what was going on and how to act. There was also an incident with showers and bathrooms and someone stealing my shower curtain and replacing it with cardboard... And then my family was there and we were doing stuff in DC. It was all... well, weird, and the main thing I remember was that seeing him and then having him vanish made me feel really lonely. Which of course makes sense, since I am kind of lonely, given that he was my best friend and I spent hours every week with him, and now I spend all that time by myself.
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