Life Lessons- A Teal Deer of Growth

My life has been rather full of drama, some of which I played a part in creating, and some of which is just life. I've been sick, I've been down in the dumps, I feel like I have lost my funny a bit. I knew when I moved that I wouldn't be able to see people as much as I had been, but I didn't realize how much that would make me sad. I need to find people up here to hang out with.

It's also been an interesting experience in figuring out who I want to be, and how to accomplish that. I've gotten flack for not following people's advice, which first of all is a crap reason to give someone shit, and second of all should surprise no one who knows me at all. Of course I'm not going to blindly go along with what people tell me to do; it's so not in my personality. It doesn't mean I don't listen to the advice, and think about the advice, because I do. It just means that I think that I have the most comprehensive view of things. like the whole ex debacle. I know that lots of people didn't agree with how I handled that. I asked for advice, and I listened to it and in some ways, they were proven right. But he and I are the only ones who truly know what our relationship was. So I tried to combine my friends' experience with what I knew as best as I could. And if that pisses people off, so be it.

Going along with the ex thing, I'm also working on how I want to handle things, and how handling difficult moments define who you are. One of the things that people were upset with me about was that I communicated with him at all. After all, they said, he didn't deserve it and was just being selfish and it was going to accomplish nothing. and while they were right, I don't regret it. I want to keep that naively hopeful part of myself alive. If he had changed and I passed up a chance to get back together, I would wonder about it for a long time. Because of how he handled things, now I know that even if he was smart enough to want to get back together, the issues that made me most unhappy are still there. I don't want to be the type of person who once hurt, automatically assumes the worst of the person. I don't want to be the type of person who refuses to see the consequences of her actions, intended or not. I don't want to close myself off, I want to remain empathetic. And that is what I am using as my lodestone. Last night, I went to see Dar (I HEART DAR) wiht a couple of friends, and she was talking about the origins of "The Mercy of the Fallen." It's a song I like, but not one I had spent much time thinking about. But the whole song is about getting lost, and what that teaches you and leads you to, and one of the things is hopefully compassion. I have seen an amazing lack of compassion this past week. Losing compassion is not something I want to happen to me. (Of course, I've also seen a large amount of awesomeness from people who want to help. Even if some of them worry a little too much about me messing up my life.)

I'm also getting better at cutting people I feel are negative influences out of my life. Which sounds uncompassionate, but I don't mean for mistakes they make, and I'm not cutting them out out of vengance or anger. But I don't want people in my life who fake friendship, who try to justify their behavior in any way possible, who are perfectly okay with hurting others. I'd rather save my time and energy for other things and other people. This is a cumulative decision after several weeks and months of thinking.

Most of all, though, I want to look at how I've responded to things and be happy with my actions. I know I'll make mistakes, but it's how you handle those mistakes that shows who you are.

Something Borrowed, something blue

So one of my oldest friends is now married. For nearly a week. It was a lovely wedding, though it is a bit weird to think that my friend that I met for the first time in third grade now has a new last name… *sniffs* I do love weddings, though, especially in cases like these where I am just so happy for the bride and groom. The wedding planner was a nightmare, though. Seriously not on top of stuff for the wedding. I mean, she was a freaking hour late. An HOUR late. We were only a half-hour late and we were 7 girls getting hair and make-up done. No excuses, no phone call. Just showing up like that was when she was supposed to be there. We get there, have no idea where to go, and the sanctuary wasn’t decorated. The limo that was supposed to take the bride and groom to the reception. Never showed. The bride had to climb into her new husband’s freaking huge truck in a wedding dress. With a train that hadn’t been bustled. The whole thing was ridiculous.

The wedding was quintessentially my friend, though, and her family. So not what I would have done, but as long as they were happy with it, that’s all that matters.

As for my last post, apparently a false alarm. There were one or two more emails, but I am not going to force him to communicate with me, not when he started this all. The majority of my friends think that he was just being selfish and wanted some reassurance or comfort or something. I didn’t think that, but now… Well, whatever. I’m not going to worry about it, I’m going to keep looking forward, and if he wants anything, he’s going to have to a. work at it and b. convince me that it’s worth it. I’m not holding my breath.

A Year Plus

So, he emailed me yesterday, basically saying a lot of what I had wanted to hear. I can’t decide how I feel about this. Of course, I immediately start analyzing everything, what this means, what it could lead to, are we going to get back together, do I want to get back together… basically thinking way too far.

But I am proud of how I handled it. Yes, I responded, being honest. I thought about ignoring it, but my reason for not responding would be that I was trying to punish him by treating him in the same frustrating way that he had treated me. And that’s dumb. If I hadn’t responded, then I would be thinking about responding and that’s not good for my zen-like calm. Plus I’m trying to make sure that I behave in a way that I can respect, and acting out for petty reasons is not on that list.

The question though is what I want to do. I thought about calling people to get advice, but I know what most people would say. Especially those who have only heard the worst parts of things. Though I think after emailing him, I am leaving it entirely in his court. And I am okay with whatever scenario plays out. Yes we had a great relationship for a long time, and yes we could get that back (I think, depending on a variety of things). I do still miss him, and it’s not just because he’s “in my head.” It’s because I miss him. Genuinely and frequently, which to me says something. But if that’s not what he’s thinking, or if we did talk and some things were just not going to be fixed, then… I’m okay with that option as well.

A year later

It’s hard to believe it’s been a year. 365 days since I’ve seen someone who was so much a part of my life for so long. Someone who was my absolute best friend, someone who knew things I’d never told anyone else. Someone who also drove me absolutely crazy, who would ignore me when I needed reassurance, sit there silently or, even worse, fall asleep, when I was upset, and who made me feel so unimportant so many times. Someone who yelled at me for being an inconvenience when I had sacrificed to be somewhere to support him, who so often wouldn’t make the effort when an activity was important to me, and who repeatedly stole my joy and excitement.

This weekend was a strange one, in part because my friend decided to tell me that she had seen him. with another girl. on a boat cruise in Annapolis. I’m not going to say that it didn’t hurt, just like I won’t deny that I still miss him sometimes. Actually, it felt like being hit in the stomach. Repeatedly. And then it made me nervous, which was unexpected. Hurt, I get. But her telling me this ruined the hopeful illusion I had created for myself that I will never run into him. That he has vanished from my life for good. It’s not like I didn’t expect him to move on. I would and will have no problem with dating someone when I meet someone I’m interested in. And I’m not really surprised that he found someone first. For all that I wanted to be the first one in a new relationship, I’m also the picky one.

And after some advice and love from my wonderful knitting friends (both in real life and online), I restabilized myself and am cleansing my mind of him. I mean, I am in so much better of a place now than I was when I was with him, especially towards the end. I’m calmer, saner, happier, less stressed (or at least only stressed by outside circumstances, like moving and starting a new job). We were good together, but I’m looking forward to finding someone I’m better with. No, I’m not just looking forward. I’m excited. I just hope it happens soon, since I’m also not particularly patient.

Whales 'R' Us

THIS makes me so mad that I want to hate PETA (Not the blog entry, but the topic). Except I already think they are crazy and awful. But still. This is a new low. Apparently while they are so worried about treating animals well, they could care less about people. Who thought that this would be a good campaign? What gives THEM the right to be so cruel and demeaning towards women? Jerks. This makes me even angrier than the Bacardi ad campaign which I am too lazy to relook up. It basically consisted of the "ugly girl accessory, the must-have accessory for the summer." I'm now boycotting Bacardi. And might hit any PETA people I see. (Okay, probably not. In part because I never see PETA people. Greenpeace, yes. I do talk back to Greenpeace people, and refuse to give them money or sign their petitions. Every once in a while, I tell them WHY I don't like Greenpeace, but they are all punk kids who have no idea how Greenpeace has acted in the past.)

Luckily my anger has been off-set by the good news that I have a phone interview on Friday. I feel so wanted... :-) I'm still hoping for the job that I have the second interview for on Monday, but it's nice to have options and to be getting attention from the job-hirers. Plus I'm going to have Five Guys for dinner, in protest of PETA's encouraging people to be vegetarians.

Taxiing

CW has yelled at me one too many times. Every time I see her, "You never post, the last time you blogged was in May, and it was about being angry." So I'm reblogging. Well, not reblogging, since that implies that I'm taking an old entry and redoing it or something. But blogging a new entry. Plus I'm about to be an attention hoar on ravelry, and I need a new entry for those girls to comment on.

So things for me are kind of in a weird holding pattern. Either that or I'm taxiing to the runway, to keep with the plane metaphors. I'm in the finals for a job that I think could be really amazing. I mean, totally a great opportunity to make it what I want, lots of writing, for a good cause. I'm trying not to get my hopes up. I'm close, really close, but I don't want to be entirely crushed when/if I don't get it. I've also got a couple of other interviews, so I feel like things are looking up. I just want it all settled. Especially since I have to decide on where to live... I really wanted to live by myself. Or I thought I did. I wouldn't mind living with a roommate, if they were cool and didn't expect much of me. I don't like feeling like I HAVE to socialize, though right now I'm totally undersocializing.

This whole not seeing people at work or class means that I feel really chatty when I am around people. I have decided that now when I drink, I try and make up for whatever I'm missing in my life. I get really chatty and huggy. Which is kind of a new thing. Not the drinking, but the massive amounts of chatting. I think I've been surprising some of my friends who are used to the more reserved me...

As for the ex. I won't say I'm entirely over things, since stress makes me more emotional and being emotional brings stuff I felt for or about him. But I will say that I'm 98% over him. I saw something a week or so ago that brought up memories of him and I wasn't angry. I wasn't even really sad. I was nostalgic. I smiled. I kept going. Which I think is an excellent sign. Now I just need to find a new guy. And for any rubberhoar who reads this, let me add a post-script. A GUY I'M ATTRACTED TO. I think I'm ready for it. Entirely and utterly.

The anger remains the same

So even though I've moved on. Even though I've taken what I learned and made a list of my new ideal (it's a good list. I'll talk about it later), I'm still kind of pissed. I made the mistake tonight of having a martini, which eventually led me to look at his FB page. He's added a picture of him looking all happy. Dumbass. I shouldn't be upset. All of my pictures on FB are of me happy. And several are of me with other guys. Of course, he's going to put up a picture of him being happy, but it reminds me that he is having a life without me. Of course I'm having a life without him. I do wish I had the hotter pictures of me. Sadly, most of them are in my friends' hands. I just hope that he knows I have nothing but disdain for him and his actions, especially since we broke up.

I have taken stuff from that relationship to realize what I really want from a relationship. Some of it, he provided. I loved the way he cared for me, kissed my forehead, tried to incorporate my dreams into our supposed future. Despite my anger about how things wound up, I do recognize that he did provide a lot of what I needed. But he always claimed that he couldn't be as exciting as what I wanted. I think he may have been right. Not in the way he meant. But he never wanted to do anything. It was a major effort to get him to leave either of our apartments. And God forbid I wanted to go to a party or out with my friends. He never wanted to do any of that. Or even things that we could do as a couple. I had to think of them all, and he was never enthusiastic about anything that took any energy. I want someone who is willing to go on a hike, or go out, or go to my friends' parties. It's not like I want to ALWAYS do that. But sometimes. So here is my list:

1. can make me laugh.
2. can help me take myself less seriously.
3. is willing to be social.
4. is willing to plan things to do.
5. will actually follow through on plans.
6. will help me to be more active than I would be normally.

See? It's not such a horrible list, although there may be a few more. (I'd like someone taller than I am, and someone who has a relatively strong faith.)

Somehow Familiar

The End All Over Again

It has now been a little over a week since I officially earned my masters. I've been surprised by how exhausted I am. I mean, sleeping tons, having a hard time getting motivated to do anything... I do feel better about it all, though, since I talked to one of my friends last night and she said she went through that when she got her masters. Actually, she said it took her three months to start feeling totally normal. So a couple of exhausted weeks is probably not such a big deal.

The ceremony itself was... interesting. It was weird sitting in the room beforehand, knowing that a. I'll never be with all of those people in the same room again and b. I'll probably never see some of them again. Some of them I'm sad about, and some of them not so much. Which isn't to say that I disliked them, but that there are several that I'm kind of indifferent towards. But still strange. The ceremony itself... dear God, it was hot. Every time the sun came out, I about died. And of course, I didn't want to have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the ceremony, so I hadn't had much water and by the end was rather headachey.

It was lovely to have my immediate family here. There was some back and forth about the travel plans, which always throws my mom a little off and made her worried and naggy. I felt kind of bad, because by Saturday night I was a little snappy and snapped at my dad, when really it was my mom who had worn me down. "Are you sure we should do this, are you sure we shouldn't do this, what about this, why haven't you fixed this, you know you could do something about this..." I know that she likes to have everything planned out and that she doesn't know the area and therefore has to just have to trust me. I also realized over the course of the weekend that I react much better to requests phrased some ways over others.

Then my mom and dad and I went over to West Virginia. It was pretty much exactly what I needed. Slow, relaxed. I spent hours in the hot tub, reading and thinking and processing. I think it helped me to finally get to the point of acceptance with the whole break-up. I mean, I still think about it, but... I'm over it. I LOVED seeing all the stars. You can never really see the stars here. There... so many. It was gorgeous. We didn't have cell phone coverage, though, which kind of bothered me. with everything around my future all in the air, I don't like to be out of contact. Not that it made any difference. Though one of my friends is really pushing for her job to hire me. We'll see. It'd be great, though.

The Madness Begins/Ends/Goes Round and Round in a Circle

Well, the madness that has been my life is... quasi-over. That's right. I turned in my thesis to the grad school last week, and my last final paper (EVER!!!) yesterday. I did loose math and figured that I wrote approximately 150 pages this semester. I do wish my final papers had been a bit better, but I just couldn't stand to care or spend more time thinking about them. Now I'm on to graduation! I don't know that it has entirely sunk in. I dreamt last night that the head of my program returned it to me with a bunch of changes that had to be made and approved by midnight, and it was 7ish, and everyone else's was fine. Needless to say, I was a bit frantic.

I blame the new madness in my life, which is what I was thinking about last night before I went to bed. The new madness is basically finding a job. I've interviewed a couple of times, but the problem is once you get to the interview, you're STILL competing against a dozen or more people. I'm starting to get a bit panicked. I mean, I don't really have a large amount of savings to carry me through finding a job, particularly if I have no real source of income. The current back-up plan is to temp or work at B&N again. Which reminds me, I should go put in applications for those soon. But neither of those are going to provide a huge amount of money, and I'm working my connections as best I can and not getting anywhere. The two interviews I've had haven't come from contacts, but from random job applications (ones where you can just hit a little button to apply).

Plus I'm heartily tired of being single. I know, it's only been 8 months, but I LIKE being in a couple. I do. I just haven't really met anyone else that I want to be in a couple with...

Eventually

I’ve been feeling strange. Not weird; I’m always that. (Why do I so enjoy alternate interpretations of simple statements?) But not myself. Exhausted, for one, which isn’t surprising given everything that’s going on and the fact that I came down with a cold this past weekend. (I TOLD my classmates that I was going to keep getting sick until I got my thesis done. Thank God the migraines seem to have relatively vanished, though.)

But mainly I just can’t bring myself to care. Or when I do care, to connect. Last night I was pondering if my inability to connect is a part of why I love the RRers so much: awesome people online, minimal effort. I get the human connection I need, lots and lots of support, and no awkward silences. But that also makes me a little sad. I mean, there are people I genuinely like in real life, but I just cannot seem to connect with them, even people I have with in the past. It just seems like I can’t get myself to have the energy, if that makes any sense.

I really think it’s stress, especially since I’ve started heading more into a funk. On the one hand, I always have my very practical, relatively upbeat voice in my head telling me that I’ll find a job, that I’ll find someone new to date, that I’ll find a new roommate… It’ll all work out and I have so much more support than a lot of people do. (Of course, I don’t have any Wollmeise to sell, which could totally put me over the top…) But a part of me is convinced that there shall be no job, there shall be no significant other. That I will watch my savings bleed away as I continue to find no roommate. That I should just give up, and go buy one of the horrible snuggly blankets.

All this led to an absolutely over-the-top reaction to the end of The House of Mirth. Plus I missed the explosion on the water today.

Jobness. Or lack there of.

Well, I promised some rubberhoars that I would post, so here I am, posting. At 2:30am. I have no good reason for posting so late, but I am. Luckily I don’t work tomorrow! Yay for part-time employment…

Which brings me to the meat of this post. I’m being let go. Oh, they are trying to sugarcoat it. All “we love you and we’d love to keep you, but we know you won’t stay for very long…” But let’s face it. The real message is “we want to change your position, so please leave.” I’m not saying they don’t love me and they wouldn’t try and keep me if I were going to stay around longer. I mean, clearly I wasn’t going to stay at a part-time position where I get rave reviews only working 20 hours a week and spending at least half of that time putzing around. (This is not to say I wouldn’t work if I had the work to do. I would LOVE to be busy. I like being busy. Having more to do makes me more productive, and I like being productive.) But they had told me that this job was mine as long as I needed it, something I saw as a lovely back-up. A nice cushion. And now… I mean, it is getting a much-needed fire under my ass. After my supervisor told me, I spent the rest of the afternoon emailing contacts. Who, I might add, all also told me that anyone would be lucky to have me. Which is a bit annoying. I mean, clearly I love that my former supervisors and coworkers love me and think a lot of me (except for horrible boss and previous ED who had no idea was she was doing), but why then is it so hard to find work? Why can’t I get anyone to interview me? I think if I could just get the interview, I could convince them. Especially with my total dream job of assistant editor of knitting. Seriously. I would push people out of the way for that job. But I applied a couple of weeks ago and despite being insanely well-qualified, I haven’t heard word one. (I did reemail them yesterday; the job is still posted, so I figured reminding them about me and showing that I’m legitimately interested and not just applying to a million positions might help.) Hopefully, though, the fact that I have more contacts this time than I did last time will help me out. Seriously, people… I’m willing to move and everything!!!!

I don’t know. I think what really bothers me about this whole being let go thing is not the being let go part. It’s how they are handling it. I mean, don’t try and pretend like I have a say in this. Don’t tell me that we need to sit down and work out a date for me to leave, when you CLEARLY have one that you want me gone by. I will respect you more for just saying it. Also, you probably shouldn’t have told me that I can stay as long as I want; if you hadn’t, I wouldn’t have started considering keeping this job as a fall-back.

Running from the chapel

Dear Friends:

I love you all. I always want to share the joyful events in your life, and I never want any friend to hesitate to tell me something that makes them happy.

Sincerely,

Me

That said, this week has been really... emotional for me. Because while I am genuinely happy for my friends (one newly engaged and one newly married), these events make a part of me sad. Because I want what they have. It reminds me of everything I've gone through over the past six months (interestingly, it was exactly six months this weekend, on the day of my friend's wedding). I was supposed to be over being sad by now, but I'm not. I think I need a rebound or something. Plus I didn't get my fellowship, and I haven't heard anything from the awesome job I was totally excited about and applied for. Which all totally bums me out.

Plus this weekend was strange. I hadn't seen the bride in four years (I kept saying three, but later did the math and I was off). There's still an abiding affection between us, and a fair amount of history, but the fact is we haven't really been a part of each other's lives for years. I don't actually know what her life is like, and she doesn't know much about mine. So there's this distance/closeness...

The people I hung out with at the wedding were lots of fun, though. I think it was actually better because we weren't hugely close in college. One girl was in my group and we hung out, but we never that close, and the other two we occasionally hung out together, but only because of hte bride. And we had a great time. Plus I got to meet Stanzi, the first of the rubberhoars I've met in real life.

Non-exciting orals.

So now that all my fellow rubberhoars are following, I really HAVE to update. Thanks a lot, guys... :-)

My orals... are done. I think I actually read too much. They were pretty impressed with the extent of the things I knew, though I could have spent more time analyzing the literature through the lens of the theory I read. But I got what I wanted, so I'm good. But now I have to work on my thesis and I'm not sure who is actually my main advisor for my thesis.

I am very glad they're done. The stress was getting to me. I was feeling sad about SB who is now to be now as AH. All missing him and whatnot. But now that I've relaxed, things are a bit better...

Panic: AKA OMG, MY EXAM IS IN TWO DAYS!!!

I'm supposed to be working on my orals. I keep freaking out about them, which is very bad since I keep giving myself migraines. And since I'm stressed out about time, the migraines make me more stressed since I can't really work with them. I am amused by the fact that most people's responses to my freaking-outness are along the lines of "you like to talk. You always have something to say. You'll do fabulously." Which in some ways is true. I do like to talk, I do like class discussions. But it's the having to say something and say something witty and intelligent and well-researched that's putting some pressure on me. What if I haven't read enough? What if I forget everything I read? What if I stop breathing or get hit by a car or get a migraine or lose my voice or... (See, this is me. This is me over-worrying.) I've thought about my subject and how it relates to my books A LOT. I know the area. My advisors don't. It should be fine. It's going to be fine. I just need to not freak out.

I did buy stickers today. I'm going to put them on my notes to make me smile during my exam. They are shamrocks. My topic is Ireland. I also very briefly entertained the thought of buying a funny "Irish" hat to wear. Which would be SO unprofessional, but would be entirely entertaining.

As the World... Tilts.

I'm sick. Sick, sick, sick. It's been a long time since I've been this sick, since I've been barely able to crawl out of bed, since getting online is too much effort, and walking to class (I had to go; it was the first week) wore me out and almost made me pass out. Cassie has loved it, though. All the sleeping and me being around. I thought I was doing better. I even went to a party last night, one that I had been looking forward to for a while. It was the English department Inauguration Gala. I had fun. But then I woke up this morning and have been dizzy ever since. I even had a moment where I sat up in bed and then the world flipped and I fell over. Not really fell over, since I was only sitting up and in bed and I only fell over onto the bed, but it was still one of the stranger moments in my life/illness. Oh well. At least I'm not coughing my lungs out anymore. And I banned myself from driving while I feel like this.

But the sickness is making me sad and stressed and bored and emotional. I don't want to still be sad. He doesn't deserve for me to be sad. But I am, and I'm so scared and sure that I won't meet anyone new. Where am I going to meet someone? Not in my program, not at work... Everything else is mostly female-oriented. No one actually meets people at bars... And I'm tired of being whiny and needy and insecure. i just want to be well and happy. Mainly the well part. Especially since I've got stuff to do on Inauguration Tuesday.

A mixed bag

I've been feeling strange lately. Lots and lots of swinging from highs to lows for very little reason. I will go from being sure that at least 5 guys in a thirty-foot radius are looking at me to being sure that I won't ever find someone new and that I'm destined to be alone and no one is ever going to want to be with me. Plus I totally thought I beat this adorable girl at Whit's wedding, but I didn't and that made me sad.

I also thought I was over being angry. Sitting at my church at home over Christmas, I felt calm. Peaceful. Understanding. I still have residue of that. I did actually do something kind for him. If he gets my email with the necessary info. Which he probably won't, because he probably changed all his contact info to avoid having to ever deal with me again. But I'm not. I'm over being angry about stuff in the relationship. But I'm pissed at how he has treated me since. This silence? It's basically a "fuck you." Oh, I'm sure he has some sort of justification in his mind, but I don't care. I don't care if he's hurting or if he's scared. Grow a pair, put on your big boy pants, and deal with the world you've created. I'm just disgusted with how he's acted. Especially since I've been watching a ton of Gilmore Girls (yay for the entire series on DVD!!) and even Dean at 17 acted more mature.

Sigh. At least Christmas was relatively lovely. There was a travel debacle and I'm going to try to boycott Continental for their abominable treatment of my brother and sil, but it was mostly nice. Especially considering that I had absolutely no Christmas spirit this year. I mean, none. I've never felt so little. I mean the Christmas Eve service got to me (it always does), but... I have also had the realization that a. I don't care what people I went to high school think of me, and b. I'd rather not see any of them unless I'm trying and willing to see them. I did get to see Haley, who debates religion with me and with whom I will never agree on some of the points, but whom I still love. The debates might be fruitless, but it's okay because we still agree on major points (Christianity is based in love; hating people because you disagree with parts of their life is stupid) and because we're okay disagreeing. I don't leave there frustrated; I did leave exhausted, though. Debating until late at night is TIRING. I do think I'm going to love her next cd, though, especially since it's a break-up cd... I should demand she get in the studio ASAP.

We All Fall Down

SO I was going to post about how today was the day of success. Not only did I manage to finish my paper (final one for this semester! Whee!), I had what I thought was a brilliant moment at the end. I’m not sure, though. That was a couple of hours ago and now my brain is dead and I’m not sure of anything. Plus I’m getting my “I’m done with chaos and everything and now can get sick” sickness, so I really am pretty spacey.

I did manage to not text him last night. I wanted to, but I didn’t. It was going to be kind of mean. The word “liar” would have been used. But then I tried to come up with why I would want to text him this morning, and I don’t have any real reason. I’m not even looking to get a response any more. And why should I care if he knows or doesn’t know how I’m feeling? He clearly doesn’t care, so why bother. He knows he was lying, he knows I didn’t think we could be friends. If he wants to make amends, he can contact me and then we’ll hash it out. In which case, my response will probably be along the lines of why would I want to be friends with you after you treated me like you did?

I’m also feeling antsy and pissy and willing to dismiss anyone at the slightest provocation. Okay, that might be a BIT extreme, but I am awfully cranky. I think I’ll sit at home tonight, watch Christmas movies, and drink hot cider.

Happy Non-Anniversary to Me

Today would have been six years. Last year, it snowed on our anniversary and I thought it was lovely and he thought it was annoying because it freaked out all the drivers. This year, I ran errands, bought myself some lovely pajama pants on sale and a DVD, and am working on a paper. All alone. I also freaked out yesterday because he apparently has gotten on Facebook. Which is kind of a dumb thing to freak out about, but I felt like Facebook was a safe online area, one where the only mentions of him would come if someone asked me something. That I would have the control over whether or not his name came up. And now… now I’ll have to watch myself. Of course, given his complete and utter ignoring of my existence, which still continues, he’ll probably avoid me much more completely than I’d ever try to avoid him (Ironic, since he was the one who argued for staying friends. I know I’ve said that before, but the irony remains). I can’t decide if it’s because he had long ago stopped really caring about me and now could care less about having the common courtesy of occasionally responding, or if he’s just in too much pain and contacting me would make it worse. I hope it’s the second for multiple reasons, one of which is that it’ll prove me right. I like being right. Though I still think the second one is selfish. Especially since he initiated the break-up.

I also have realized that it’s not in the first few weeks you have to worry about calling or contacting. I had no real problems refraining then. I was too wrapped up in pain and pride to want to contact him then. But now… Now I can hardly stop myself. It’s like picking at a scab or something. I had some eggnog and rum last night, and promptly sent three texts. I mean, it’s not like I text him all the time. At most once a week. Which actually would be less if I ever got a response. Since I don’t, it’s like throwing stuff out into thin air. Who cares? It has no impact, no consequences. And most of them are positive and negative simultaneously enough to be rather neutral.

In the other funness that is my life, my new(er. It’s about three years old) laptop’s charger has stopped working, meaning I had to pull out my old laptop. Which actually isn’t as annoying as it might be. I mean, this thing has it’s glitches and I can’t do a number of things since the operating system is Windows 98 (meaning iTunes won’t run and I can’t update Firefox), but it is much lighter than my new one and doesn’t get scalding hot. Plus I’ve written a good number of papers on here and am fairly used to the keyboard. And actually like it. It might be my favorite typing keyboard ever. (Which sounds weird, but I’m assuming you guys get it. Certain keyboards have sizing/pressure issues.)

Avoidance

Well, it's a good thing I wasn't counting on a reply, since there has been none. Whatever.

I'm also majorly avoiding my final papers right now. I just can't bring myself to concentrate. I'm supposed to be working on at least the thesis of them... Sigh. I'm beginning to regret that we never went on the search for our work ethics that we planned in college...