I have to say, everytime I read Peggy's journal, it makes me feel like what I write about is small, unimportant. Not that that's a bad thing on her part. She just has all these deep things that she writes about. Well, fine. Not ALWAYS. I guess it's good. Makes me think about deeper things. But I still probably won't write about them. That way, I can astound and surprise people who have forgotten how intelligent I really am... :-)
I hung out with Shannon and Amy today. Shannon didn't mention anything I'd written in here, which I feel like she would have, so I THINK she lost the link. Not that it matters if she did or didn't. I just like to know. It was fun hanging out with them, but it was odd, too. I felt like I had to self-edit more than I normally do. It's hard; we've all changed so much, yet somehow expect everything to stay the same. I know I've changed a lot. I almost feel like a different person. I look back at who I was in high school, hell, who I was last year and I've come so far. I'm so much stronger, more independent. I always hid how unsure a person I really was; now I feel like I'm more the person I was pretending to be, or maybe a person with the qualities I wanted. And I don't know how that fits with my high school friends, people I feel close to because of our past. But we're friends who don't even know each other well anymore. It's all very odd.
Oh yeah. My brief but passionate love affair with cookie dough is over, leaving me satisfied, but slightly nauseous. I know, I cheated on my one true love, my body pillow, but we've talked it out and it's okay with everything.

Craving physical contact. Well, specifically with a male. But I would accept cuddling with my friends in a completely non-sexual way. I watched Smallville tonight. Decided that Chloe should turn Clark down. She deserves better. But I missed Emily and Michelle. No EMily to grab my arm and cuddle with it. No Michelle to ooh in appreciation. It was sad.
I went and looked for a job today. I hate doing stuff like that. I feel so stupid. All "Please hire me" and whatnot. I applied at Bath and Body Works and got an application for Books A Million that I now have to fill out and take back. I really only want to work at Barnes and Noble, where I've already applied, but they aren't hiring for a couple more weeks. This sucks.

k. Apparently, while I've never considered myself a feminist, never really thought about it at all until the past year, I've been one for a really long time. My dad bought me a shirt that says I do it because I want to do it in reference to female pilots because it 'seemed like me'. Then my friend bought me a book. And you guys will love this. It's called Kiss my tiara: a guide for smart-mouth goddesses. And yes, you all can borrow it. and yes, it's highly amusing. And yes, I realize that highly and amusing don't really go together and I really don't care. But anyway, I find it odd that EVERYBODY knew before me. I guess it's just a part of who I am.

I love Peggy. Or at least her cd-making ability. I have been listening to Damn the Man lots. And lots... It's highly entertaining. And again, no one is online. I did get to enjoy reading the stuff with my new online book club.Posted randomly about how cool I am. Okay, so I lied a bit. :-)
It was kind of sad. THe other night, I was reading through my old diary. Yes, I do that sometimes just for kicks. Anyway, I found this one entry from the summer after Matt graduated. And it was talking about how at camp everyone started crying (and by everyone, I mean me and like one other girl) because people were leaving. And I realized that that was the last time I've REALLY cried in front of people. not like sad-movie crying. Actual I'm crying because my heart hurts and I have to crying. Now, to put this in perspective, Matt is going to graduate from college in like a week. So that would put this about four years ago. It's been FOUR years since I've cried in front of someone?!?! What the hell is wrong with me? Okay, don't answer that. It was just weird to realize that I have actually cried in front of people before. Yeah, random side-note. I'm bored and tired, what do you expect.

I want to get drunk. completely plastered. Okay, maybe not puking. Maybe only pleasantly tipsy. Why? I really couldn't tell you. Boredom maybe. I've never understood drinking for its entertainment value. I could always see wanting to forget yourself, escape from feelings or thoughts that wouldn't stop. But just for the heck of it? Not really. Now, though, while I still don't see getting REALLY drunk and puking, mild drunkness has its allure. Plus I think I would be hilarious kind of drunk. I mean, as weird as I am normally? You picture it. Tell me if it doesn't make you laugh.
Why isn't anybody online!?!? I was so excited last night because I had several people to talk to. I was seriously bouncing in the chair with excitement. And now there are very few people online. My buddy list looks so sad.
I am going through major clean-out phase. I've been randomly going through crap and throwing it out or giving it away. Considering that I am a HUGE pack-rat, this is rather a surprise. I save EVERYTHING. You think I'm exaggerating. I have notebooks with papers from high school. I have ticket stubs from movies I went to see three years ago. I have almost any card ever given to me. And now I am throwing them away. It's kind of fun.

Coming home is so odd. Before, when I actually wanted to come home, I would look around, seeing all the things that were familiar, that brought up memories. I just wanted to sink back into my old life. Now, I drive around and feel like I'm at a museum exhibit. A weird, changing exhibit that only has faint ties to who I am right now. And all I want to do is be back at school with my friends. All you people that I miss SO much. I want to hug Whitney and Peggy, cuddle and squeal with Emily at Smallville, make fun of serious stuff with Michelle, tell Jessie that I hate her... And lots of other stuff. Lie out in the courtyard. But no. I'm here. Here with my parents who I love dearly, but have outgrown. I never thought I'd be tired of home. I never thought I'd understand why people were so eager to go back. Now I do...
Though I don't miss the Collins soap-opera. Being Peggy's conscience was tiring. Though I really wasn't. I enjoyed the fact that she called me her good angel, perhaps a little too much. But I didn't think she would do anything. She's too nice a person and that would be too mean to Adam. Not that he doesn't deserve it. But Peggy wouldn't be that cruel. And it would be hard on her, too. Though the whole thing was entirely too hard on her. You're too good for that shit, Peggy. You shouldn't have to deal with it.

Well, apparently my last entry surprised some people. And I would like to thank those people for refraining from teasing me in front of my mom. Another taboo topic. To be honest, I was surprised that they were surprised. I mean, all this time I thought I was pretty obvious. I did blush almost everytime Whitney teased me. And NO. I do NOT have a crush. I don't like that word. It conjures up images of seventh grade girls giggling and saying how cute some guy they've never met before. I had a crush on Coverdale. That is a crush. Neal. Neal I just really like. And the more I learn, the more I like. sigh. Oh well. Though now I know that denial really does work on my friends, always useful info. I will say, to give them SOME credit, they weren't there at several more obvious moments... But really. I've been hinting about it for the past couple of weeks in this thing. And I know that some people read it. Okay. Enough of this.
Well, I'm home. gag. It's only been a day and my mom is already irritating me. Though part of that could be due to the fact that I was/am completely exhausted from my whole three hours of sleep night then moving out. And I have no floor space. All the crap that took forever and a day to move out is occupying it all. Though I GUESS I don't really need any space to walk. We have all these worker people fixing up our house. It's going to be a while before they are done. Lovely. Like right now? We have no stairs. No way to get to the other computer or big tv. And that's my escape from my parents. Hopefully they'll be done in like a week...

Ahhh!!! Peggy wrote an entry in Bridget Jones style. That always makes me want to do the same. But I shall not copy! No, I shall stay strong and not lose my subjects and superfluous words.
Am I avoiding a paper? I think so. I have a page written... five more. I'm adapting my first paper. But it's hard because I have to mix it with a new book and that's giving me difficulty. And, while Peggy's hormones have subsided, mine have not. I kicked several trees on the way back from Starbucks with Michelle and Emily, which helped some, but not enough.
I wish I could just read people's minds sometimes. Like Neal's... He confuses me. Because sometimes I think he likes me and other times not so much. He's definitely started hanging out with my group of friends more, but there are several of us that he knows. He's more physical with other people, but that could be because he's not comfortable with me because he likes me. I could continue. I wish that all this hadn't started so close to the end of the year. Even with a few more weeks, I think it would either pan out or disappear. And I'm not sure whether or not he overheard Whitney and me talking about him. Not that we said anything huge or that it would really matter, but still. And he's such a great guy.
I've decided that sleep is overrated. Or at least I'm going to keep telling myself that, seeing how I'm not really counting on getting much. After I finish my paper, I still have LOTS of packing to do. grrrr...

Ahhh!!! Boys suck! Adam is so oblivious to other people sometimes. He has managed to seriously worry/hurt three people in the past two weeks. That's got to be a record. I hope he grows up soon. Eventually, his friends aren't going to want to put up with it anymore. Meanwhile, on my end. I thought that exercise was supposed to help get rid of sexual energy. I just freaking played ultimate frisbee for TWO AND A HALF HOURS!! And am I calm, collected, COOL? nope. I feel like I should go take a cold shower, even though I just got clean. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr... And yes, Whitney. I know there are other ways. But unless I jump someone, I don't think it's going to happen.

I'm listening to the other mix Peggy made me: Rebecca's Randomass mix. I love Peggy. I see a mouse, a mouse wearing a helmet... :-)
I am SO tired. I keep thinking that I don't need sleep. And it doesn't work like that. Though I was going to sleep later today, but I woke up at ten-thirty for the last time and realized since there was no way in hell I was going to be able to sleep again, I might as well get up. I started packing. I'm slightly screwed. I can't fit all my clothes into my bags. Not a good thing. And I don't want to leave! Anyway. I tried Merlot last night, wasn't a big fan. Must be an acquired taste. I had to drive home from my teacher's party because Beth, who drove, was slightly drunk and 'probably could drive home', but since there were three other people riding with her... We votoed her probably. Then she and Gabe and Neal and I went and played frisbee. It was really fun. We all got muddy, though Gabe never fell. And it started raining and it was lighting. It was awesome. And I'm not talking about the main thing that is on my mind. And I don't think I'm going to...

Well, I had written a perfectly nice entry last night about how lovely my birthday was and how much I love my friends and how much better this was than last year when almost everybody forgot and how embarrassingly nice my cake at prayer lunch was. But then my computer refused to publish my entry and I gave up and left. So that's all you get.
I MISS WHITNEY!! It's weird. She's hasn't even been gone a full day. And I want her here to hug and have fun with. Peggy and I both went through withdrawal last night. It was a little odd. Not that I don't love Whitney. But still. I shouldn't miss her already! What am I going to be like this summer, going through withdrawal with all my friends... Even though Whitney has developed a distinct like of seeing me blush... Which is kind of amusing because she doesn't realize that I blush really easily and have worked hard for the past six years to learn to control. And now I have managed to eliminate blushing from most topics. She has discovered one of the few that I can't control. She doesn't realize, though, that she could tease me about any guy that I have ANY vague interest in and I would probably blush. And it's her fault that I blush anyway. And school is almost over. And it doesn't matter anyway because I think he likes Sara...
Peggy says that boys are the root of all evil. I say they are the root of confusion...

It's almost my birthday!!!

Hehe. I'm working on Shannon's birthday present. It's fun. I would say what it is, but I think she reads this. At least if she hasn't lost the link...
I'm kind of sad. I had to add a class and now I no longer have no Friday classes... I was planning on working three days a week for two hours and they were planning on me working two days a week for three hours. How many people just randomly have three hours in their schedule? Not I. So I had to drop linguistics. A little sad. But the class I added is going to be taught by my teacher that I have now that I love. So it's not all bad. Plus I only have one more of my awful class left. YAY!!
I had an emotional breakdown on Sunday. It was really weird. One minute I was fine, packing my winter clothes up, listening to Pheobe's cd, the next I was hugging a sweatshirt and crying. I just bummed around for a while, randomly crying for no reason, and then got over it. And NY Nate was nice, so that made me feel better. Sometimes he can be great for self-esteem. Other times... not so much. :-)
I find it amusing that I can tell when people visit my webpage by when they take the quizzes I have on here...
I turned in my final draft of my story today. I hope she thinks I changed it enough. I only added like one and a half pages. But I didn't have that many things to fix. I really, really like it. I'm THINKING about sending it in to a competition. We'll see though. Thinking and doing are definitely two different things. And I'm much better at thinking than doing.

I'm still listening to Pheobe's cd. I should be listening to the "Damn the Man" cd Peggy made for me (YAY PEGGY!) because it would probably help my mood. I'm really not in the best mood for listening to romantic songs; they make me sad. But I forgot about Peggy's cd when I got up and now I'm too lazy to get up and switch cds...
I went to Little 5 yesterday. It was fun. Not thrilling, but fun. Poor Godspeed. They had such a rough time, starting with a bad wreck in the first lap and followed by three more. By the end of the race, all four riders had visited the med tent and both bikes had been screwed up. It's hard to compensate for something like that. Especially when one guy hurt his arm/shoulder after less than one lap and couldn't ride anymore. Michelle and I were going to walk around and pretend to be drunk. We didn't, but it would have been funny.
Our joint party was last night. It was amusing. It's kind of interesting. We all are starting to get a little tired of each other, but, since we know we're going to miss each other this summer, we hang out lots and lots. It makes things... interesting. I won at loaded questions. Yay for me. We did henna, but it didn't work out very well. I figured out why Whitney reminded me of Kim at the beginning of the year. Busy weekend...

Sitting here listening to Pheobe's new cd. YAY! Love all the songs; the Sunscreen Song's my favorite. So far... PHEOBE ROCKS!! Though now am extremely short on money as only have eighteen dollars to get me through the next week and a half. Will have to conserve money. And use credit card, though hopefully not much because still will have to pay for bill and have no job yet.
Last night, listened to Alex's jazz group with Michelle. Was fun. Was kind of surprised by skill of the group, though piano needed to be miked and was bothered because piano was never on beat. Then went on veranda where talked with Michelle and others who dropped by. Met Leah and Sabine and Liz through Neal. Like them very much and think they are funny and entertaining. Slightly sad that did not meet them before as now will have no real chance to get to know them before summer. Was funny drunk guy trying to talk politics. Enjoyed confusing him as was very easy. Know. Am Evil. Enjoy that as well.
Am slightly worried by the lack of current job for summer. Am cursing stupid recession. Know that economists claim recession is receeding, but still have no job and so have no proof of their statements. Also have not started six page paper. Don't even know what to write on. Early draft is due Tuesday. Also have barely scratched the surface of revising story and, since love story, want it to be perfect. sigh. Oh well.

I am glad I'm female. I was talking to NY Nate last night and he was complaining about female solidarity, how it is unquestioning. The case we were talking about wasn't like that. But in general. Would I support a female friend over a male? Hell yeah. And I can see how that would be annoying to a guy. But deal with it. I LOVE it! YAY FOR WOMEN!!! And I can even blame it on men.(Whitney and Peggy have taught me that talent...) Really academically, too. If you want to hear my reasoning, im or email me or actually talk face to face (what a novel concept!) and I will show off my amazing mind.
On another note, I've almost decided that I'm wrong about something. I'm not going to tell you what. But it makes me slightly sad... (now, wasn't that annoying?!)
All this heat makes me apathetic. I don't want to do anything. And ballroom today was GROSS! We were all sweaty. I've decided Monday I'm just going to go naked. Okay, maybe not. but it would make things more interesting.
Well, I'm going to go outside and ruin some more skin cells.

AHHHHHH!!! I definitely am feeling flirty. Sadly, I don't have too many opportunities or even too many people I am willing to flirt with. And no, Whitney. I don't need any suggestions. Instead, I'll just go crazy. And while I can flirt with my female friends, it's just not the same. sigh.
Anyway. It is SO beautiful outside. I had to walk to Ballentine to turn in my stupid story. I really didn't want to go, but I liked it. The night was so calm and warm. I felt like I was on a tropical island. All that was missing were the cute house boys, drinks with umbrellas, and a sarong. And there are these trees. I don't know what kind of tree they are, but the blooms smell... You could smell them from ten feet away. And the moon was low in the sky and orangish. I wanted to walk for a long time, but my sweatpants (I was doing laundry, so everything else was wet) were really hot.
I love my friends. They make me happy. Peggy said they would kill anyone who dared hurt me. It seriously gave me warm fuzzies. I think I forget that people actually care about me sometimes, that I'm not just a person who amuses them. I know that THEY mean more to me than that. But it's hard to remember that it can be reciprical. I'm really going to miss them all this summer... I'm really not looking forward to the end of school that much. It'll be nice to not have to do work, but I won't be able to see my peeps. And I'll probably scare some of my friends from home... That could be amusing, though.:-) Plus at home I don't see people enough. Here I'm surrounded. If I want to be around people, I just have to walk into the hall.

AHHH!!!!! I am SO tired! What ever happened to weekends being the time to catch up on sleep?
Friday I went to see Peter, Paul, and Mary with Michelle. I was kind of blah about it. But it was so happy! It was like a big campfire concert or something. They played Puff the Magic Dragon and This Land is Your Land and lots of other songs that made me feel like I was a kid again. They did have some sad, serious songs, but that was okay too. And they were all so cute! Peter and Paul were just two cute old men. After the concert, I went over to Dan's house. THat was fun, too. I finally have met all the characters so frequently mentioned in everyone's stories. Thankfully. I feel like I'm torn between three groups and the fact that I hadn't met everyone in one of them was definitely a bit alienating. I kind of wonder if some of the people I don't know so well would be surprised to know that I'm Christian. And I don't know if I like that or don't. Because I feel like I should be different, like there should be something uniquely Christian about me. But then I also don't want to be an uptight Christian. the kind that no one other than Christians like. The kind that never can really relax.
Saturday was Collin's Fest. Marla did an AWESOME job! (Yay Marla!) It rocked. They had cotton candy and pizza and cokes and buttons and leis and music. It was totally cool. I had to leave ot go watch Pride and Prejudice, though. Collin Firth is totally cute, though they did stretch some parts of the movie out. And yes, to those who were there, I am aware that I was totally annoyingly literary. I couldn't help it, though. I'm too used to discussing and dissecting books and Pride and Prejudice is one of my favorite 'classics' and one that I've discussed in class.
Anyway, this is long enough. I know, my entries are long. But I like to write. So I don't care, you don't have to read them. I won't get mad, I promise.

Peggy said that she and Whitney weren't making me a bitch, they were liberating the little bitch I already had inside me. Now I have a funny mental picture of a little person living inside me. Maybe she's the one who loves chocolate so much and has a desire to yell and scream and possibly hurt men with stilettos. I wonder if I could evict her. I wonder if I would even want to...
It is SO nice outside. Sadly, since I haven't shaved in a while, I'm wearing jeans. Blah. Whatever man, and I'm sure it was a man, came up with the idea that women should have smooth legs should be forced to shave his legs and then put bug spray on, WHICH REALLY HURTS!!!, and then shot. Plus I am running severly low on clothes. I had to wear silky underwear today, which had the effect of making my pants almost fall off. Constantly. I also had to wear my new shirt. Not that I don't like my new shirt. I just wasn't planning on wearing it for a while. I guess I'll just have to break down and do laundry tonight... Last time this semester, though!
Walking around campus was amusing today. Spring is the time when flowers bloom, trees bud, and high schoolers come to visit. It's horrible, but I laugh at the tours. I know, I was once one of them. But that was like forever ago! Okay, only two years, but still. And even then I felt like a dork. They walk around with their parents tagging along behind them, looking really lost with their little Steve and Barry bags. I never had a Steve and Barry's bag. Of course, I didn't want to go here. At all. It's amazing what a few rejection letters and a scholarship will do to convince you...

"No, that's pizza," I want to tell them. "Pizza wants to be free. Concentrate on liberating pizza from evil pizzerias. Information, on the other hand, really hates being free, and is never happier than when manacled to a wall, like Kirk and Spock in some piece of late 70s bondage-oriented slash fiction-Neil Gaiman
I just thought that quote was really funny. I mean, I would definitely be cool with liberating pizza. Anyway. It is a gorgeous day out there. Why am I inside? I really have no idea. I should be out there, trying to get my pale skin up to some symblance of normal. Instead of the PALE whiteness that it is now. Though I will NEVER go to a tanning bed. Personally, I don't see much point. And if Michelle becomes president, it'll be illegal anyway. So, why get in a habit I'll have to kick? Maybe the good weather will make my mini-rose bush start blooming again. It stopped when I left it here over spring break... no water for a week will do that to a plant.
Oh, scariness! There is a Rockapella version of... Gangsta's paradise! HOW HORRID IS THAT!?!?!
I'm a little bit upset. Three RA's have been fired. They weren't back in the dorm when they were supposed to be for the Championship game. Okay. So they messed up a little. Though one of them went to visit his mom who had just gotten in a car wreck. And the other two say they misunderstood the rules. They shouldn't be fired! And one of them is TJ. He's cute. I don't think any cute guy who is a RA should be fired. Unless they do something absolutely horrible.
Well, I fell into the trend. I bought a Finals shirt today. But I don't care. I AM A BASKETBALL FAN!! I know some of you can't understand that. But screw you. I like it. :-)